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Original poster

DS dad refusing to give me his address

28 replies

rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 09:27

I'm not sure if this is the right topic to post in but I wonder if anyone can help

I have a 2 year old DS. Ex left when he was tiny (didn't do any parenting when he was here) and has only ever seen him at my house once a week, usually for half an hour and very, very occasionally for 45 minutes (his choice). Every so often he cancels and goes a couple of weeks between visits.

I know ex has moved house because he has told me and CMS have confirmed he now supports 2 other children. Ex now randomly wants to take DS out on his own this week. I've asked for his address but he hasn't given it to me. I only know what village he is in (ten minutes away) but nothing more than that.

My question - I'm seriously concerned about letting him take DS when I don't even know where he lives. If he didn't return him I wouldn't know where to go to try and find him. I wouldn't let anyone else take my DS if they wouldn't tell me where they lived - do I have any right to refuse to let him take him unless he provides it? If I am justified in taking this position (all views welcome, please be kind, I only want to do what is right for DS) then can anyone help me word a message to ex to this effect which won't be provocative or anything.

To clarify: I would still encourage the contact but I would be there too. There are no court orders in place.

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 28/11/2019 09:32

Id hold of contact as you are not breaking any existing court order. Let him take you to court and get an agreement formalised. Sounds like you need consistancy and routine that your not getting at the minute.

plantainchips · 28/11/2019 09:47

He doesn’t have to let you know where he lives. I’m afraid. Just like you don’t have to tell him where you live.

Original poster
rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 10:39

@plantainchips are you sure? I'm wondering then if I should withhold contact unless or until we have a court order that officially names me as resident parent? At least that way if he did take DS and not tell me his address the police would have to find him and return him to me? I don't want to go into the ins and outs but he is a very angry person, he was abusive to me and has no experience looking After a toddler so I'm genuinely concerned for DS welfare in this type of scenario.

OP posts:
annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 28/11/2019 11:29

Yes you wait for a court order. If he takes your son and decides not to return him, the police won't intervene if he has PR.

My ex wouldn't give me his address at first, so I said that it has to be part of the agreement that we both know what street we both live on. (Previous emotional abuse etc)

I was happy with that because I know that area and his street is relatively small.

I personally could not hand him over not knowing where he was.

Original poster
rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 11:58

@annielennoxstuckinmyhead sorry you had to go through that. It's so awful isn't it.

Ok so I'll make one last attempt to get his address off him and if he refuses.... any idea how I can word this without antagonising him?

I'm thinking of saying something like 'I feel uneasy that you are withholding your address and don't feel comfortable handing DS over to you when you won't even tel me where you live. Something isn't sitting right with me. I'll be coming with you on your walk'.

To add: I am genuinely quite terrified of this man so do need to get the tone exactly right, if I can.

Any experience of the court process?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 28/11/2019 12:06

Apply for a residency order to protect your dc.
I moved and had to inform exh where the dc would be...
He followed the removal van to clarify!!
He liked an idiot tbh!!

areyouafraidofthedark · 28/11/2019 12:08

Legally he doesn't have to tell you where he lives. Don't you trust him to contact you if there is an emergency?

Odyy · 28/11/2019 12:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Winterdaysarehere · 28/11/2019 12:14

A judge ordered me to disclose my new address. If you go via court route for access he likely will also.
Ime.

LeaderoftheAteam · 28/11/2019 12:18

Ex wanted to know our address and I refused to give (abusive and would turn up unannounced and univitied whenever he felt like). Judge ordered that I didn't need to disclose. As his father he is expected to assume parental responsibility when in contact, it's nothing to do with you. Although I completely understand your discomfort. You could go to court to formalise contact but he may also ask for more contact. We had written into our order than daughter lives with me as opposed to a 'residency order'.

Odyy · 28/11/2019 12:18

This reply has been withdrawn

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Imtootired · 28/11/2019 12:26

Maybe you could write “ I’m happy that you’d like to spend time with DS but I would only feel comfortable with you taking him if I have your address in case of emergency. If that’s not ok with you then you can still come while I’m there. He’s still so young and I want to know where he is” that’s just a suggestion

letmepeeinpeace · 28/11/2019 12:28

I was told (by a family mediator) that my ex LEGALLY has to inform me of his address

ArnoldBee · 28/11/2019 12:29

If needed the police would be able to find him. At the moment you both have pr which means neither of you has more right than the other over your child without a court order so if the police did find him they would have to leave your child where he was anyway.

Ratbagratty · 28/11/2019 12:31

Your message should be about your dc welfare, not your feelings. He is doing this to cozy up to new gf / play happy families.

It is not in xxx best interest to go out alone with you as he/she only sees you sporadically for short periods of time. If you wish to see XXX please visit at XXX at XX time.

Original poster
rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 12:34

@Imtootired that's SO much better than what I had put. Thank you so much.

Gosh I'm feeling really uneasy about this. @Ratbagratty I wish I'd said that to begin with actually but I did agree to it so I don't feel I can backtrack now.

Am now more confused than ever about whether court is a good idea. This is torture.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/11/2019 12:39

You are getting mixed opinions but without a court order in place he can do as he likes and doesn't need to tell you where he lives. With a court order he doesn't necessarily need to give you his address but a judge could order him to.

I wouldn't let a man who had occasional 30 minute visits take my DC out of my care when I wasn't confident about his parenting. Tell him if he wants to start taking him out he needs to increase his contact gradually until you are confident your DS (as it's all about the child's best interests) could go out with him without feeling anxious to be away from you. If he goes along with this, fine. If he doesn't, let it go to mediation and court if necessary so that you get a set schedule in place and confirm you are RP.

3xcookedchips · 28/11/2019 12:56

I was told (by a family mediator) that my ex LEGALLY has to inform me of his address

This is wrong.

Original poster
rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 12:58

@Doyoumind thank you for the advice. I completely agree. I don't know if this is the start of increasing contact or just a one off. But I was going to suggest he only takes him for an hour and then returns him. He said himself it would just be a 'little' walk so I think an hour is more than enough. DS is thankfully comfortable in his company.

I'm not sure how he will be away from me as he's never been cared for by anyone but me or my mother. We shall see.

I've mixed feelings about court now. My concern now after reading other responses is if he asks for a lot more contact and there's no time to build it up slowly so DS can properly adjust. I'm very worried. Generally. All the time. I think I'm living in a heightened state of anxiety which I've never experienced before. Before I met DS' dad I was a confident, independent person and now I feel a knot of worry in my tummy all the time.

OP posts:
doritosdip · 28/11/2019 13:29

I would start the process of getting a CAO so that if something goes wrong then the police will return your son to him. Maybe tell your ex it's to protect his time with Ds. You run the risk of him wanting more contact but I wouldn't want you to end up like one of those women's whose exes randomly decide to keep their child and the police is powerless to do anything for weeks.

Yanbu wanting you know his address btw. I'd ask him during the mediation process.

carly2803 · 28/11/2019 15:28

never mind about the address (i dont know the answer but surely any decent person wouldnt mind giving this up?)

but i would not be handing over a child to someone who spends 30 mins whenever he can be arsed . no way

let him either take you to court or you take him if you need to

i will put money on him not bothering! he wants to play happy families dosent he?

Original poster
rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 16:52

@carly2803 I do get what you're saying. But I don't want him to tell DS when he's older that mum prevented contact. And if there is any chance he's going to ever try and be a good dad I need to know I didn't step in his way. If he changes and becomes good, Ds needs never how shite he was for the fi4st 2 years.

OP posts:
plantainchips · 28/11/2019 17:40

Yes, 100% sure he doesn’t have to give you his address. Threads moved past that now but good luck Smile

Original poster
rainbowsand · 28/11/2019 18:46

Ok he pushed back when I asked for it again so I sent @Imtootired response and he sent me the address. So thank you! @Imtootired can I come to you to draft all my difficult messages for me?! Grin

OP posts:
doritosdip · 28/11/2019 20:11

Fantastic result!!!