How to cope with being a single parent

[Cantsleep22]

Hi all

It’s been 2 months since my ex husband left for another woman and I feel like I have passed the initial shock/anger stage and have hit the depression stage. Other than the school run I have spent 2 days in bed this week, ignoring calls and messages from worried family and friends. I didn’t mean to block them out but I just needed to be alone and being in bed seemed to be a secure place to grieve the end our 10 year relationship.

I’ve been to the doctors twice now and they won’t prescribe me any anti depressants because I am breastfeeding my 9 month old. They’ve forwarded me for counselling but it will take weeks when I need the help right now. They say I need to stop breast feeding if I want to take anything. I don’t want to stop breastfeeding

I just really feel like everything is getting on top of me. We have to sell the family home (I’m living in it alone with the children), I have to return to work early for financial reasons, cope with divorce, mediation for a drink/driving issue with ex, as well as day to day life cleaning/cooking/school runs/homework as well as a baby who has never slept through the night.

He has them couple of times a week but he’s supposedly living at parents so won’t have them overnight. I say supposedly because he doesn’t have a bed there and I know he’s staying with his new girlfriend. I hate him so much for causing all this upset and upheaval. Life has been hard with a new baby but I didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

Just struggling to work out where it all went wrong and how to move forwards with my new life as a single parent. DD has parents evening next week and it will be the first one I do alone. I can’t even think about DD 1st birthday or Xmas right now.

Currently sat in the bath where I’ve been for over an hour. Ex collected the children at 9am and has them until 8pm. I had all intentions of cleaning house, feeling myself, going to see a friend but I’m really struggling to motivate myself. I have downloaded parenting and how to get over break up books but again struggling to concentrate on them.

Words of advice or comfort would be welcomed right now 💗

Thank you lovely people. I am starting to realise he had no chance of turning out decent with his mother raising him.

Had some good news today, I have so much holiday owed to me at work that I don’t need to return until after Christmas and will get paid full pay during that time. I just hope it doesn’t affect my universal credit entitlement too much. This helps with my worry with breastfeeding as it gives me a whole 2 months extra by which time she can drink cows milk and hopefully less of mummy’s milk.

I will now be easing the children in with the childminder thus giving me some much needed alone time.

A mixed day all round but trying to take the small victories over the shit

OP, you are doing incredibly well. You should be really proud of how you’re coping. Especially as this is still early days, when most women would be floored with shock, grief, panic and anger.
Take things gently. There will be good days and bad days for a while yet, and you still have a lot of emotional work to do, processing your reaction to what has happened.
I don’t think it sounds like antidepressants are required - your feelings are perfectly normal and appropriate, given the situation. And you sound like you’re functioning really well despite everything your shit of an ex has done.
You will come through all this. 20 years from now, you will look at your grown up DC and be so proud of how you’ve raised them and how far you’ve come.
You will be an independent successful adult. Your ex will just be a failed father and husband.
I was widowed with two babies still in nappies, and brought them up alone. I was terrified initially, but I learned to manage, and they’re now adults and doing fine. You will be the same. You’ve got this. Good luck, OP. A big hug, and God bless.

So sorry to hear what you’ve been through babdoc, it must have been such a hard time. Well done for all you have achieved and I’m sure your children have grown into marvellous adults 💗💗 you sound like an amazing human being. I hope you went on to find love again?

That’s lovely to hear after the social services allegation it’s nice to have confirmation I’m not a terrible mother! It’s a touchy subject as obviously I am exhausted so my patience is not what is was so I am naturally more shouty. This coupled with a almost 7 year old who’s just lost her father and is struggling with the new household dynamic, it makes for a tense time. I can’t believe social services would take those allegations so seriously, who doesn’t shout at their children 🙄

I do agree on the anti depressants now. I won’t be taking them, I’d rather keep up with the breastfeeding which gives me all the oxytocin I need to get me through. He’s taken everything else away I won’t let him take our breastfeeding journey too.

Today I’m going to my local shopping centre to treat the kids to some winter clothes and pjs. I’m going to revel in the fact I get to make the decisions going forward about what they wear, eat etc. I need to turn this round to a positive time all round. I’m sure there are many hard days to still come but I keep telling myself if cannot get any worse

Hi can I pop in?. I’m a single mum to 2 girls aged 2 (nearly 3) and 1. They don’t see their dad at all due to him being abusive. I’ve had to give up our house and we have been moved away from home, I’m now unemployed. I’m struggling with the life change and I’d like to chat to some other single mums for support

Hi @TilandPop of course you can. So sorry to hear you’re going through this. It must be so hard doing it all on your own. Do you have family or friends to help out with your little ones? Have you settled into a new home now? I do hope you haven’t had to move away from familiar faces x

Cantsleep I only really have my mom and dad, they moved away with me. But all my other family are an hour away so I don’t see them much. We’ve settled into our home now thankfully, it’s lovely. But just very isolating now, I only really see mom and dad once a week.

So I’ve just done my first parents evening as a single parent. Couldn’t help but notice every other child had 2 parents. DD must have noticed too as on the way home she asked why daddy doesn’t want to live with us anymore ☹️ I explained daddy doesn’t love mummy anymore but still loves her and her sister. It’s so hard doing this stuff on my own. He hasn’t even messaged to ask how she’s got on 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TilandPop I'm a single parent too and my kids are 3 and 1!!! Every day is mental, so kudos to you for getting your own place and getting set up.

@Cantsleep22 unfortunately those awkward chats are going to happen. As long as you can show the kids as much love, routine and stability as possible, they'll get through this just fine.

That's the best thing about separating when you have kids. They keep you going, even when you don't want to.

Cantsleep that must’ve been heartbreaking, but as long as she has her mum there to support her she will be fine. How did she do at parents evening?

giantwatermelon that’s crazy!. I just feel like a failure, I now live in a council house and I wouldn’t be able to work as my I don’t have anyone to watch the girls. I will get a job when DD2 starts school, but until then I’m doing some crafts and selling them for a bit of extra income. It’s just such a drastic change to my old life. But we are much happier now so that’s all that matters.

I’m in the same boat, my husband left me earlier this year for another woman, he is completely denying he cheat on me with her even though I have evidence and I think that’s the hardest part of this, that I’ll never have closure.

He sees the kids one night a week and all the next day but is making every excuse possible to not see them more than that.
I work full time, I’m exhausted and I feel like a total failure.
Counselling is helping me a lot, have you thought about giving it a try OP?

Brief note from someone thirty-some years on - it works out fine! You will get back on your feet, your babies can be happy and successful, it can be very rewarding.

The hard part to live with is that they don't really care about their children.

About 'what went wrong', OP - nothing that you did. He took his cock elsewhere because that's what really mattered to him. Not your fault at all, in any way. Get your head round that. He, and others, will want you to shoulder all or some of the blame but actually, he had the choice and he made it.

So I have to eat my words. Turns out ex called the school and arranged his own parents evening appointment. He messaged me to say he wanted to call DD this morning to tell her how proud he is. I asked her if she wanted to call daddy and she said “well I’ll see him the weekend and I’m watching the tv now so no” 🙈 he now thinks I’m being spiteful of course.

@TilandPop she did fantastic thank you, I am so proud of her the lovely hardworking young lady she is growing into. I am going to treat her to a cinema date just me and her to reward her. We’ve not been able to go to the cinema since youngest DD was born so she’s really excited about it. I bet you shut your front door now though and are greatful you have no dramas and it’s just you and your children. I’m still stuck in the family home which has memories so it’s a bit horrendous. Can my wait until I can move.

@FrustratedMum30 so sorry to hear what he did to you. I’m glad you have evidence as you can doubt yourself when they deny it can’t you? I don’t get why they think they can get away with it. We are not stupid are we. Is he still with OW? My ex was hiding clothes and had her number saved as a mans number. A few weeks after we split he put her on his car insurance and was staying overnight at her house. That’s enough evidence for me to know it was going on a while. Your life sounds exhausting especially working full time but I always try to tell myself it won’t get any worse than this. It can only get better. I am still on mat leave and am dreading going back to long work days then being the sole person to sort the kids out on an evening. Glad counselling is helping you. How often do you have sessions? I am on a waiting list for counselling but I’m lucky that I have been back to the docs and they’ve got me in for my first session next Friday. Just hoping it helps

@PlasticPatty thank you for giving us an insight into life after cheating and single parent hood. I absolutely cannot wait for the day I look back and think he’s done me a favour and am happy again. I realistically don’t think I will be able to move forward until I have both DDs birthdays, my birthday and Xmas over which are all in Dec. A new year a new start which is when I will also put the house up for sale.

Yeah he’s still seeing her, I can honestly say I’m over him and do not want a lying cheat like him but I don’t think I’ll ever get over what they did, it’s just vile.

That’s really good I’m glad the doctor has got you an appointment so soon.
Yes it really is helping and you might feel the same that it’s nice to just let it all out and talk to a person who isn’t involved. I have sessions every 2 weeks.

cantsleep aww well done! A cinema date sounds lovely. When will you be able to move?

I’ve had a difficult weekend, DD’s have been constantly wanting attention and my anxiety has been bad. I’ve locked myself in the house today, put the tele on and just tried to get through the day!

Can I join? Single mum of a 3 year old little boy. I’m a TA, so he’s in nursery most of the day and I just feel like I’ve failed him. His dad wants nothing to do with him at all, so I’m completely alone. It’s just heartbreaking, it’s been getting to me a lot lately as DS is asking questions. I just feel terrible.

@FrustratedMum30 I know exactly what you mean. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over it either. It’s like a wound that will leave a scar. It will heal over time but never fully go and will always be there as a reminder of the hurt. Great to hear about the counselling. Only 4 days to wait now till I see someone.

@TilandPop I’m going to insist on not putting the house up for sale until after Xmas. I’ve got both DDs birthdays December too so I feel like the new year will be a fresh start for us all. He is now saying he will only pay half the mortgage and has applied for a variation on child maintenance. I am sick of the uncertainty so being financially dependent on myself cannot come soon enough. Sorry you’ve had a bad weekend. I know exactly how you’re feeling. Sometimes you just need to not get dressed, eat rubbish food and recharge your batteries. How are you now? Do you get any help with the kids?

@onthebusoctopuss of course you can join. Big hugs to you. How long have you been in this situation and why is he an absent father?

It seems there is lots of us out there. I just found out that my husband of 20 years decided to leave us. We’ve got two children 12 and 7 and I am going through the same emotions and it seems like rollercoaster 24/7. Can anyone recommend a good Solisitors dealing with divorce . Sending virtual hugs to all who struggle out there

Believe me sweetie I've literally been in your shoes and I really hope you read my post.

My ex upped and left me and our 3 year old daughter after 10 years to move straight out of our house and into the house of another woman and her two kids. He then proceeded to get her pregnant and marry her all within the first 6 months.

As if that wasn't ridiculous enough it all took place in the village we lived in.

I then had to remove my child from the village school for obvious reasons and turn our whole lives upside down.

I used to wake up every morning and that initial feeling of remembering what I'm going through made my heart sink.

I've spent the last two years since watching him and his new family try to make my child their child and it's been hard for both of us. My child doesn't like going to stay with him anymore even though he demands 50/50 shared care and it breaks my heart.

I have to listen to my child talk about his new wife and their baby (my child's only sibling) all the time. There's literally no escaping it.

Over time though, I've since realised that my life with him was definitely not what I wanted for both myself and my child. I didn't realise at the time but he dragged us both down and certainly did not set an example to my child of how a man should be.

Now I pitty his wife, even though she came between us because she's now the one listening to his incessant wittering on and suffering his controlling ways.

He's also made my life a misery with various other aspects of the arrangements since we split but my life is a lot better without him in it day to day.

I know it feels hard now, it's all still very fresh but you will honestly find your feet and end up knowing you're better off without him.

The grass is rarely greener and he'll find that out sooner or later.

Keep your pecker up and please please please take it from someone who knows, you'll honesty look back on all this and thank god it happened.

I believe things happen for a reason and You'll go onto better things! There's a man out there that wouldn't dream of doing this to you and your ex will rue the day you meet him.

You'll get through it, we always do x

So sorry to read your post hun and wanted to let you know that though it doesn't feel like it now, I promise you that you have all the strength you need inside to deal with this and move on, and you will be happy again. My exH left me and our 21 month old DD out of the blue one Friday night after work. We'd been married for 13 years. Within weeks he was sleeping with someone almost half his age and pressuring me to take responsibility for all the bills, huge mortgage on the new home we'd bought, nursery fees, the lot.

I grieved for the man I once knew and the future I thought I would have. I felt incredibly vulnerable and very stupid for believing in him. Then I realised how much I had sacrificed to make him happy and let him flourish, always always putting his needs first at my own expense. I realised how I had desperately clung on to a sinking ship because I was frightened of the world and had no confidence in my own ability to go it alone, and no belief that better existed - well I can tell you 100% that it does.

He has our DD every other weekend and though he pays maintenance I'd never say we co-parent equally. I've learnt to manage financially and emotionally almost alone. I've found time to travel and do new things. I've found a life. I don't have family close by, but my circle of friends have been incredible and I got some counselling too, which was extremely helpful. I'm now moving house, almost divorced, in a brilliant new job and have met an incredible loving, supportive man who would never hurt me or take advantage of me in the way my ex did. DD is absolutely thriving. Those initial dark days and weeks seem like they belong to a different woman and though life is stressful and ridiculously busy, I'm thankful for my hard-won happiness and proud of myself. You will be too xx

Another single mum here. I have a 4 year old DS and a 2 year old DD. DC haven’t seen their dad for a year as he found a new gf and cut them off. DS is struggling with school and it’s so hard doing it on my own