How to cope with being a single parent

[Cantsleep22]

Hi all

It’s been 2 months since my ex husband left for another woman and I feel like I have passed the initial shock/anger stage and have hit the depression stage. Other than the school run I have spent 2 days in bed this week, ignoring calls and messages from worried family and friends. I didn’t mean to block them out but I just needed to be alone and being in bed seemed to be a secure place to grieve the end our 10 year relationship.

I’ve been to the doctors twice now and they won’t prescribe me any anti depressants because I am breastfeeding my 9 month old. They’ve forwarded me for counselling but it will take weeks when I need the help right now. They say I need to stop breast feeding if I want to take anything. I don’t want to stop breastfeeding

I just really feel like everything is getting on top of me. We have to sell the family home (I’m living in it alone with the children), I have to return to work early for financial reasons, cope with divorce, mediation for a drink/driving issue with ex, as well as day to day life cleaning/cooking/school runs/homework as well as a baby who has never slept through the night.

He has them couple of times a week but he’s supposedly living at parents so won’t have them overnight. I say supposedly because he doesn’t have a bed there and I know he’s staying with his new girlfriend. I hate him so much for causing all this upset and upheaval. Life has been hard with a new baby but I didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

Just struggling to work out where it all went wrong and how to move forwards with my new life as a single parent. DD has parents evening next week and it will be the first one I do alone. I can’t even think about DD 1st birthday or Xmas right now.

Currently sat in the bath where I’ve been for over an hour. Ex collected the children at 9am and has them until 8pm. I had all intentions of cleaning house, feeling myself, going to see a friend but I’m really struggling to motivate myself. I have downloaded parenting and how to get over break up books but again struggling to concentrate on them.

Words of advice or comfort would be welcomed right now 💗

You poor thing. I know how you feel. It's really hard acclimatising. Don't worry about the house. Get back in your dressing gown and go back to bed. If you're not up to socialising put that off until another time.Catch up on sleep. Maybe watch something funny or a favourite on netflix. If you can afford it order a takeaway and just nurture yourself.

I know cleaning and seeing friends might make you feel brighter (and they are good things to try to do to help your understandable depression) but I honestly think there is a time for that and a time for just healing, as if you were actually physically injured. Aside from which you must be exhausted. Rest. Take your time.

Oh my lovely, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I became a single parent when my DD was 5 months old and I remember feeling exactly like you, like the world had ended.
Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to grieve for the life you’ve lost. But you will be ok. DD is 6 now and I’m arguably happier than I’ve ever been, it might not feel like it right now but you will be ok.
In terms of antidepressants, I was prescribed some (wasn’t BF my DD) but decided not to take them in the end because I felt like I was delaying the inevitable and that the hurt and heartbreak was something I needed to go through, but what I did get was anti anxiety meds which relieved the physical symptoms I was experiencing so I don’t know if that’s worth exploring?
Don’t worry about cleaning the house, take time to rest as and when you need it. Is there one friend or family member you feel you can talk to? They could communicate with the others on to it behalf maybe.
for you.

Thank you lovely ladies. I know time is a healer and I will be ok eventually but how do I minimise the pain right now. I feel as though it is physical as well as emotional. As though my heart has literally been torn in two. I can’t get images out my head of them together. How can he move on so quickly from our family. We got married 2 years ago, went through a miscarriage last year and our youngest took a while to conceive. She was so wanted. How can it go wrong so quickly.

I am really struggling to see him when he has the children. I can’t even look at him or speak to him. He acts like he’s so happy and does the good dad routine when I just want to smack him. I know I’ll never get an apology from him but he hasn’t even acknowledged what he’s done.

I know I need to focus on myself but how can I get all these thoughts out of my head.

I’ll look into the anti anxiety meds thank you by suspect they will have the same breastfeeding warnings on them.

I’ve started to do a little bit of cleaning now and it’s helping a bit as well as your encouraging words thank you 💐

I think the pp who compared it to a physical injury is right. I felt like I had a massive gash in my chest that nobody could see.

Put yourself first. You really must. Don't do what you think other people want you to do, just do what feels right for you.

You are strong and resilient and capable. You will not only find a way to cope or manage, but to thrive.

I understand, it really does feel like physical pain. I remember thinking at the time that if it was possible to die from heartbreak then I would. Just try your best to focus upon yourself and your DCs, although I know it’s easier said than done. You need something to try and take your mind off things and I found like something mindless was what worked for me as I couldn’t concentrate on books or TV or anything, so I became addicted to Candy Crush It kept me occupied but didn’t take any real brain power.
The one thing I wish I’d done differently was not to focus on him and what he was up to so much, although again I know it’s easier said than done. Be polite when you see him but no more, google the ‘grey rock technique’ too. And whilst I know he appears to have moved on and be happy, even if that’s true it won’t be the case forever. My ex wanted his freedom back, in doing so missed a hell of a lot of milestones in DDs life, and his OW was totally paranoid every time we were anywhere near each other (I’m guessing because she knew how they got together and what he was capable of) and that drove them apart in the end. I know he regrets it now but really would you want any man who could treat you that way without blinking an eyelid? The thing is though even if he is miserable he’ll never let on so don’t focus too much on how he seems to be feeling. He left you and your DC at a really vulnerable time and doesn’t deserve a single iota of brain space.
You can do this lovely.

I so feel for you - it’s an awful thing to happen and only time really makes it any better. I split up with my husband of nearly 20 years at Christmas, coming up for two years ago (after catching him arranging an alibi with a mutual friend so he could go off on a one night stand). You adjust. My exh was also awful to live with so their was some relief from that perspective. I felt disconnected and distracted for a long time. I found that writing lists helped - lists of what I needed to get done each week. Work out what would be best for you and the children regarding the house and arrangements. See if you can work towards that. I still have moments of total rage that me exh had been allowed to blow our lives up and then move on to a new relationship while I am bearing all of the main responsibility for looking after our children. But I just take each day at a time.

I would ask for a 2nd opinion on the antidepressants. I took them while breastfeeding for postnatal depression and was prescribed them specifically because they're safe to do so.

Otherwise the best thing I can suggest is lean on your support network, take the time for self care, it's really important, go as low contact with ex as possible and get yourself a shit hot lawyer.

Time is a healer and you'll come out of this stronger and better

Oooh yes, @Thatnovembernight has a good suggestion with the lists there, I used to do that too. It also helped me with the feeling of being overwhelmed by everything I had to do as seeing it broken down into smaller chunks made it all a lot more manageable.

No advice just love and hugs OP 💐💐💐

I’m so upset to hear so many lovely ladies out there have been through the same. What are these men thinking! What more do they want. Life can’t always be exciting and full of fun all the time. Life is hard and you should pull together to get through the difficult times and know there are good times to come. Not run off with the first woman that shows you any attention.

I like the list idea. I do actually do this now. I love a good list. I will try to focus on a couple of things I aim to do over the next week. Sorting out DCs wardrobes is the first one. They really need some winter clothes.

Financially I am struggling as he has been a real arse money wise. He didn’t pay the mortgage the first month. I had to borrow money to pay it then beg him to give me money back. He gave me half the mortgage in the end and nothing towards bills or food. This month he has paid the mortgage so that’s something at least. I have still had to cover bills and food. I contacted child maintenance and by the time he pays me on 1 Nov he will have been gone 3 months. That’s 2k he has got away with paying. He has a really good job and I’m on unpaid maternity leave. He said he’s doing everything legally and is paying what he needs to pay and when he’s told. Meanwhile he’s purchased a 42k car and thought it was a good idea to park it on the drive last week 🙄 honestly can’t catch my breath with him

Still struggling to stop thinking about them together. She has a better job than him and lives on her own in a 4 bed detached house 🤷🏻‍♀️ She a divorcee with no children but still carries her ex husbands name. Meanwhile her ex has moved on and got remarried with a child. I’ve obviously tortured myself on social media and done lots of research on her.

I get the idea about doing monotonous things, I am currently playing on a childish game similar to candy crush myself to pass the time! I’ve got 2.5 hours left till the girls come home now so I’m going to feed myself, get into my pjs, get cosy and watch some tv. Hopefully I can try not to think about things for a little while. Thank you all for listening to me today 💗

Spend whatever you have on a good solicitor. You'll be better off post divorce. We settle for crap because we want an easy life or are being manipulated without realising. For example, if you weren't working full time when you were married, there's an argument that you shouldn't have to now if he's not had to change his work and if he has fewer outgoings now etc. Brighter horizons ahead really. Get your tiara on you're queen of the house now x

It’s absolutely fine to breastfeed on Sertraline. I’ve been on it since Day 1 (came off anti-depressants for last trimester).

I will have to ask again about anti depressants. Although today I haven’t been too bad bar the wobbly start this morning. I’ve actually enjoyed some free time to myself. I went to see my friend and watched some trashy tv. DD came back and started crying. Wouldn’t tell me what was wrong for ages then said she had lost a ring she had at the party she went to today. Not so sure that’s why she was upset, probably more to do with spending the whole day with her dad and having to say bye to him. Feel so upset for her but is him that’s done this! Youngest has come back wreaking of his aftershave. We co sleep so it’s now all I can smell in bed. Grr! Had a relatively good day then it’s ended a bit shit

This doesn't sound like clinical depression so antidepressants probably won't help (or won't help much) although there are some you can take breastfeeding. It sounds like grief. You are grieving the relationship, and you need time to do that. Ten years is a long time to let go of somebody, and yeah he's not dead but your relationship is, and who he was to you that person is gone. So do a Bridget Jones tissues, wine and food movie marathon with lots of crying. And if it's taking longer than you'd like, then I think that's where talking comes in. With your friends or family if you feel able, or with a counsellor if not. Not everybody cuts up their ex's clothes, hooks up with a stranger or takes up a new hobby. We all deal with break ups differently, but the longer and more serious a relationship it is normal to have a grieving process. It's healthy to work through your emotions as they come. It's ok to not be ok just yet.

So sorry to hear that your day didn’t end that well OP, but it does sound like you made some progress so be proud of yourself for that ❤️

I’ve been there with the social media stalking, I even had a folder of screenshots at one point I don’t think anyone would judge you for it but it became a bit of an obsession with me, and I’d really suggest nipping it in the bud early doors if you can!

I started antidepressants when I was pregnant and I'm breastfeeding now. I would have a chat to another doctor as I know sometimes the benefits of being on them outweight the consequences of not being on them, if that makes sense?

Also hugs, it's a fucking shit time. He's a fucking dickhead and your left holding it all together and it's not fair.

Take time to grieve. Don't apologise for that. It's natural your body and mind need it to get over the shock. Speak with a psychologist & get a good one. They'll help you through the very very worst of it. Surround yourself with friends and friends when you feel able. Book yourself a hair appointment and change it up and pamper yourself for a few hours.

Ranting on here is the best thing! There's a lot of us women out there: I was where you were nearly 2 years ago to the day. And I've just signed up to do a degree course, I've a job interview next week and I don't think I've ever been happier. Life suprises you in ways you'll never fully understand but just take one day at a time. Xxx

I just wanted to say I am going through something very similar, I have a 7 month old Ex left for another woman albeit he lied and has started taking the kids there to stay overnight as he is also living with her! It's really hard to see them playing happy families with the children, my eldest child is struggling a lot with it all and I feel a bit powerless to do anything! Again ex also doesn't see what he's done wrong and no apology etc. I have just been plowing myself into housework, reorganised the house a lot which has helped me feel more relaxed at home as it's different to when he was here and seeing friends to offload but I am still very up and down. In terms of financial help I am also on maternity and get help from universal credit - perhaps something worth looking into.

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons no judging here my friend. I feel like a total stalker. I’ve found her ex, I know where she lives, where she works out etc. I need to stop because it’s not helping me move on. I just feel like I need to know what’s so special about this person that’s made him leave his family. I did message her when I found out and she was so brazen admitting she knew about me and the kids but didn’t want to be hated or caught up in the middle. Bit late for that my dear!

So sorry to hear you are in the same boat @notjustamother and with such a small baby too. It’s so so hard as they are so dependable. I just don’t know how these men move on so quickly. What is it they are looking for?! How do you occupy your days without thinking about them together? My ex tells me nothing about her which I’m glad but drives me mad as I’m left guessing

The ex was asking today about parents evening. I had sent him a newsletter a few weeks back and parents evening was clearly on there. He’s not mentioned it so I've gone ahead and planned to go alone. Today I’ve asked if he can change night he’s having the girls this week because parents evening falls on his night and he’s said “so I’m not allowed to attend parents evening then? Also what’s happening on DD’s birthdays and Xmas this year, when can I have them?” Ugh so that’s made me feel totally shit today. I can’t bare the thought of having to wave my daughter goodbye on her first birthday. Would it be unreasonable to ask him to come and see her open her presents on the morning of her birthday then have her the day after instead? This happens to be the day he is supposed to have them anyway. Makes me laugh because I’ve replied and he’s obviously with her today as I’ve had no reply. He will wait until he’s at work tomorrow as usual. If she’s so great then why doesn’t he message when he’s with her 🙄

I can't actually escape her as it's a mum from eldest child's class! He is also the same will barely reply when he's with her if at all! I am annoyed the fact she is effecting me coparenting with him! I have made it very clear to them both I have no intention to ever be with him again!! Rest assured there relationship won't be perfect! Ex told me she already is checking his phone most nights,
She has kicked him out 3 times already and is very insecure. Makes me laugh because she started it on lies and knowing he was with me what does she expect?

We've dealt with one birthday so far, he had eldest child overnight at hers it was awful and I spent the afternoon and evening with them on their bday, it's another child's birthday next month and he doesn't want to see his dad so it's all with me! (Eldest is favourited hence why he wanted to stay with his dad but I think he struggled as he was due to stay the day after and refused to go)

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say the day after or to split the day. It's horrible working things like this out. When it comes to babies birthday I am not missing anytime and he came come to whatever I have planned. I'm not missing any firsts with her for him! I am doing the brunt of everything!

It's a bit like a bereavement in my view. It took me at least 2yrs to stop feeling angry every time I saw him to be honest. So be kind to yourself OP, it will indeed take time.

Tbh I try not to think about them, I struggle when he takes the kids there because I hate the idea of her mothering my kids, she seems very full on with them for such a short space of time (two months) and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't often get time alone, 5 hours this week because he refused to have the kids overnight unless it was at hers - I refused as they only split last weekend while the kids were there and he came back trying to be with me the following day and I told him where to go and then suddenly they were back together! I keep busy with friends, I do housework, I walk the dog, sometimes I lay in bed and get upset and eat chocolate, the worst thing I've done is when the stress has been at the peak is I spend money I don't really have and develop some kind of awful shopping habit! I generally try and get out the house if I can. The rest of the time I have 4 kids so I never stop! Like I said generally normally have one with me as on dads days often one will refuse contact and want to stay with me or he'll let us down!

Hi OP, it’s been 3 months since ExP left. He has not seen the kids, not even so much as picked up the phone to talk to them. He’s paying child maintenance and said that is the most contact he will have with them. So I’m now a single mum to 2 year old twins. I don’t have many wise words as I feel like I’m just getting by day to day, but I’ve kept a little diary and everyday I write little things in that make me happy (such as DT1 gave me a cuddle and said he loved me). I’ll read them before bed and try and cheer myself up a bit.

It’s definitely like a bereavement only I think is worse because you still have to see that person!

Had a call from social services today. They’ve had an anonymous call about me. Someone’s reported me for shouting at the kids and being argumentative with the father when he collects the children. Needless to say i know who anonymous is, it’s his mother as I’ve had words with her. What kind of grandmother encourages her son, who’s had an affair, not to pay the mortgage, bills or for food then reports the mother of her grandchildren to social services! She’s a foster carer for gods sake. Does she want her grandchildren in the care system?! Not that they believed a word of it thank god but it’s really shook me up. Especially because I’ve been to the doctors saying I’m struggling. Haven’t I been through enough

I just wanted to say there are lots of us here and listening.
He sounds like a twt.
You sound amazing.
I know who I'd want my children to spend the most time with and be influenced by - and it isn't him or dear mil...
Keep on moving forward. Some days it might be more of a roller coaster but the movement is always forwards.

@Cantsleep22 family are weird as and mothers will usually stand by their sons even if they're in the wrong.

Is there anyone who can help you manage the kids while you work decreasing the amount of stress you're under?

Is there anyone who can mind them for an hour while you go for a run etc?