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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Court date upcoming

74 replies

gemmal4625 · 28/09/2019 22:35

Hello everyone

I'm a new member and wondered if I could get advice of anyone who has been through something similar or just has knowledge of the situation I'm in.

My partner left me last year, we have a 3 year old daughter together and I'm allowing him to see her every other weekend at the moment as well as a day during the week most weeks.

He wants more and has pestered me month after month after month for this. I don't want him to have anymore time than he has as we live 30 odd miles away and don't think it's fair that my child has to go up and down the motorway all the time and also she has pre school 2 days a week and also goes swimming with me for another morning!

He has been adamant that he wants an overnight stay in the week as his job will let him have a day off and condense his hours.

Long story short we've been through mediation where we didn't agree and anything and we are now barely on speaking terms!

He is now taking me to court and is asking for an overnight stay in the week with him dropping her off the following day at bedtime, he also wants to take her away for a weeks holiday which would break me!

Our court date is in the next few weeks and I'm just worried what the outcome might be, has anyone had anything similar, I have taken brief legal advice but I don't want to plunge £1000's of my daughters eventual inheritance into an expensive legal battle! I don't think my ex has a solicitor either but I don't know for sure!

Does anyone have any similar experiences they can share with me of what I'm likely to expect to happen?
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
G

OP posts:

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 11:51

No. People can have their own point of view, you know.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/10/2019 12:05

no Cats is a fully paid up member of the ex wives club and will always think any mother is reasonable, and any dad is a total twat, regardless of circumstances.

OP, I think you need to start putting your child first. Its great that he wants to see her more, he is just as much her parent as you are. Don't you want to her to experience nice things like swimming and holidays with both parents?

Original poster

gemmal4625 · 02/10/2019 12:09

The travelling distance never takes much more than 30 mins, we lived in the middle of our friends and family and when we separated he moved back to his way and I moved back to mine.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/10/2019 12:29

I think you need to remember OP that before you separated your daughter was used to seeing her Dad each day, she got used to the change and she will get used to seeing him more.

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 12:38

@holidayhelpppp is a fully paid-up stepmother.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/10/2019 12:39

i'm a step mother, a mother, we've been RPs, NRPs and I am also a step child.

I don't project my feelings onto other people scenarios, though.

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 12:42

And my ex, who was abusive towards my kids, has now wish to see them/wouldn’t dare go to court. On the one hand I am relieved - contact would not be appropriate unless supervised. But at the same time I realise my kids have lost out on having a supportive dad and the amazing benefits of that. Still my ex was never going to live up to that ideal.

ColaFreezePop · 02/10/2019 12:43

OP please listen to the PPs.

This is not about you

Don't waste your money and more importantly cause friction just over what you want.

If you go down the path that you have indicated in your first and following posts you will have a minimum of another 10 years of being taken to court by her father. You will find that he will win most of the time because he's the one being reasonable.

The clubs and activities you have arranged for your DD are not as important as her spending a decent amount of time with her father.

Also 30 minutes travel is nothing. It can take me 30 minutes to get to or from my childminder with my daughter if I choose to walk - that's an hour in one day.

You are better of agreeing to what he requests and ensuring you build a cordial relationship with him. That way you can encourage him to take your joint daughter swimming, and he can encourage you to do things you haven't thought of doing with your joint daughter that she enjoys.

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 12:44

@holidayhelpppp no, not projecting at all, are you!? Not much.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/10/2019 12:47

cats how am I projecting? can you elaborate?

I told op to think about her daughter, rather than herself and see the positive.

I didn't jump to the conclusion shes a shit mother because dps ex is, whereas you have jumped to the conclusion dads not interested presumably because that's your experience.

catspyjamas123 · 02/10/2019 13:01

It’s not helping the OP to get into a personal spat.

hsegfiugseskufh · 02/10/2019 13:04

why start it then?

I don't think your jumping to wild conclusions is helping OP either, tbh.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 13:10

His requests are reasonable. Surely you're happy he wants to be a part of her life? So many dads don't give a shit. As you both moved you both should be equally responsible for transporting her between you. You need to stop thinking about yourself and about her instead.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/10/2019 13:15

@gemmal4625
And yet you expect her to go from LIVING with her father to seeing him significantly less

You have to face facts your not together anymore and so you'll need to share. Your daughter isn't a pawn to punish him for him leaving you

Beansandcoffee · 02/10/2019 18:30

Op not once have you answered a question. You are wasting your money going to court. The judge is likely to offer the father 50:50.

I’ve been in your position and it is hard. But the dad was good enough to make and have a child with so I’m sorry but he sounds like a father who wants to be involved and not just a sperm This court case will cost you lots of money. For what?

Doyoumind · 02/10/2019 21:13

Beans I'm sorry but that's not true. The OP doesn't seem to understand how the system works but you aren't helping her. The father hasn't even asked for 50:50. He's asked for 5/14 nights so the judge won't award him more.

Original poster

gemmal4625 · 08/10/2019 00:34

Well I've had my first hearing and couldn't agree anything.

As I thought my ex wants a midweek stay despite the distance! I reiterated that I don't think that fits well with my daughters routine...the officer we saw initially seemed to agree!

But nothing could be decided as there was only a legal advisor present!

2 months now and I have to go through it all again!!

OP posts:

titchy · 08/10/2019 12:39

You don't have to at all. You could simply agree to his very reasonable suggestions which are in your child's best interests.

readitandwept · 08/10/2019 17:59

despite the distance!

You're being utterly ridiculous and selfish. You said yourself it's a half hour journey. A perfect time for them to chat, play games and chill out. Her routine can be changed. Your her mum, not an army sergeant. A good relationship with her dad far outweighs any of the negatives you're trying to create. You're coming across as extremely jealous and controlling.

MrMeSeeks · 08/10/2019 21:39

You dont need to go through this again at all you could very easily put an end to this.

OhTheJoys1 · 08/10/2019 23:00

OP,

What you have described is exacly the same situation my husband was in with his 3 year old daughter including distance. He self represented, asked for the same access as your ex and ended up getting more than he asked for. You really are not going to win this battle. it is very unreasonable that you are trying to actively deny your daughter time with her other parent who she will love equally.

If it is important to you that your daughter goes swimming then her father can take her. You sound like a very self serving mother.

FenellaVelour · 09/10/2019 16:52

But nothing could be decided as there was only a legal advisor present!

Nothing could be decided because you and your ex could not agree. Nothing to do with the legal adviser. Courts do not make orders at first hearings without the consent of both parties.

You need to think about your child and how you can ensure she has a rich and full relationship with her father. What he is asking for is not unreasonable and it’s very likely all you will get from this is an ongoing argument, more stress, and a court order you don’t agree with.

kitk · 09/10/2019 20:28

OP, please be sensible. The advisor didn't agree with you, they were showing empathy to both sides. Unless there is a pretty excellent reason for ex bot to have contact you're just setting yourself up for losing even more time with DD (including resident parent) and getting a massive slap on wrist from the judge. It has been said multiple times below but what he's asking for is not unreasonable. First time DD was away for a week aged 2 (and ex was not an invested parent) I hated every second of the time but it was about what was best for her. I still hate her spending time with him but SHE loves it and that's what it's about. We don't have kids to benefit our lives- we have kids to live our lives doing what's best for them. 99% of the mums on here understand how terrifying and unfair it feels to be without your child but it's not about how you feel! You should save yourself so much grief for the next 15 years by agreeing to truly reasonable requests now. I anticipate that this message is a massive waste of time but... I'll risk it in case person number 80 whatever is the one who helps you change your mind and show you that even tho you think you're putting DD first, you aren't....

summerbreezer1 · 09/10/2019 21:21

OP, I am a barrister. I have done some family law (although by no means is it my primary practice area). Please do not consider the below legal advice (I am not insured for this) but I want to give you some thoughts from another standpoint.

The first thing to say is that once a court order is made, you will have to comply with it whether you like it or not. You have no control whatsoever over what the court orders.

The court could order that she goes and lives with him and its YOU that gets to see her every other weekend - that is not likely in this situation, but it is possible. You are taking a huge gamble here - you are putting the future upbringing of your child in the hands of a complete stranger.

The welfare of the child is the primary consideration in any determination by the court as to the upbringing of the child. (Children Act 1989 section 1).

All things being equal, it is in the child's interests to have deep, satisfying and engaged relationships with both their biological parents. Those relationships, and the trust that is necessary for them to grow, is only developed through time spent together.

Your ex's requests are not onerous. 30 minutes driving time is nothing in the spectrum experienced by the court (remember they deal with many parents who live overseas).

Your daughter's routine can be changed, activities can be accommodated, compromises made. The fact is, if he wants more contact, the chances are he will get it.

You have no rights here - only responsibilities. The rights are the child's.

A relationship with her father and her extended family will build her self-esteem and her sense of safety: there is a whole other group of people in this world who love her unconditionally! That is a wonderful thing, and she is blessed. Many children do not have that. Please do not deprive her of that gift.

Your very best option is to negotiate with him. That is how you retain some control over the process and hopefully you will come to an agreement with him that, whilst it may not be your ideal situation, you can at least live with.

If you go into court with the attitude you have displayed in your posts, I fear you are in for a very rude awakening.

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