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Original poster

Court date upcoming

74 replies

gemmal4625 · 28/09/2019 22:35

Hello everyone

I'm a new member and wondered if I could get advice of anyone who has been through something similar or just has knowledge of the situation I'm in.

My partner left me last year, we have a 3 year old daughter together and I'm allowing him to see her every other weekend at the moment as well as a day during the week most weeks.

He wants more and has pestered me month after month after month for this. I don't want him to have anymore time than he has as we live 30 odd miles away and don't think it's fair that my child has to go up and down the motorway all the time and also she has pre school 2 days a week and also goes swimming with me for another morning!

He has been adamant that he wants an overnight stay in the week as his job will let him have a day off and condense his hours.

Long story short we've been through mediation where we didn't agree and anything and we are now barely on speaking terms!

He is now taking me to court and is asking for an overnight stay in the week with him dropping her off the following day at bedtime, he also wants to take her away for a weeks holiday which would break me!

Our court date is in the next few weeks and I'm just worried what the outcome might be, has anyone had anything similar, I have taken brief legal advice but I don't want to plunge £1000's of my daughters eventual inheritance into an expensive legal battle! I don't think my ex has a solicitor either but I don't know for sure!

Does anyone have any similar experiences they can share with me of what I'm likely to expect to happen?
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
G

OP posts:
Crazycatperson · 28/09/2019 22:45

Your daughter is 3 I see. Does she go to nursery? If she does, then your argument would be that she cannot be travelling all that way to and from her father's house mid-week. If he wants to see her mid-week day you're more than happy for him to have her for tea, close to your home. Every other weekend (fri to sun?) is generous. Re the holiday, what's the longest she's been away from you? Would he look after her properly? Would he allow her to call you? Would the holiday cause her distress? Perhaps a week's holiday would be something to build up to.

RandomMess · 28/09/2019 22:48

His request sounds very reasonable!!

So ask for one overnight mid week and EOW does he have her Fri-Mon? If he does that's still only 5 nights out of 14!! You each should be having at least 4 weeks holiday per year with her.

This is about your DD having a proper parenting relationship with her Dad not about whether you miss her not.

Crazycatperson · 28/09/2019 22:50

Sorry, re read your post and saw she goes to pre school twice weekly. When will she start school?
What is your main concern about him having her overnight once through the week? Is it because you'll miss her or do you have concerns re his care?

NorthernSpirit · 28/09/2019 22:54

I’m allowing him to see her....

I don’t want him to have any more time....

I don’t think it’s fair MY child....

You do realise that it’s both your child, you are equal and you aren’t in charge?

How would you feel if you weren’t allowed to see your own child and someone dictated to you?

It’s what’s best for the child, not about you.

Walnutwhipster · 28/09/2019 23:02

Why are you so opposed to what seems like reasonable requests? 30 miles really is no distance.

Original poster
gemmal4625 · 28/09/2019 23:35

Thanks for the responses!

He collects her at 6pm on Friday and returns her at 6pm Sunday.

And then on a Tuesday he has her from 12-6pm.

I dont have any major concerns about his parenting no, but I am a stickler for a routine and I know for a fact her bed time are at least an hour later than when she it with me, she is always really tired when he drops her off after his weekend.

I'm happy to let him to come and take her for tea in the week, I just don't feel it's right for her to be up and down the motorway when she has preschool etc!

The longest she's been away from me is his weekend, she's never been longer and I would worry that this will distress her but yes I guess he'd let me call her.

I feel he's fighting so much to have more time, but I know he spends a lot of it with his mother and niece and think a lot of this is so she can spend more time with them, when she could be with her actual mother, it just doesn't seem right!

OP posts:
Peakypolly · 28/09/2019 23:41

And he is her “actual Father” and it is nice she can have a close relationship with her actual Granny and cousin.
This does seem harsh but your issues do seem to be with you missing DD,rather than what is best for DD.

Barbel · 28/09/2019 23:49

Ofgs just agree what he's looking. Why bother even trying to go against it. Court will likely agree with him and rightly so

Beansandcoffee · 28/09/2019 23:51

Sorry but dads should have 50% if they want it. It isn’t about you allowing him access but about him having a relationship with his child. On MN we are very quick to moan about about absent fathers but it seems that your ex actually wants a relationship with his child and you are preventing it.

standupandsmilenow · 28/09/2019 23:53

He doesn't need a solicitor any judge would agree with what he requests.
Especially as the way you talk it's all about you and your hurt.

CJsGoldfish · 29/09/2019 00:05

he also wants to take her away for a weeks holiday which would break me!

And here I was thinking it was about the child. Confused

Not in your case, clearly.

readitandwept · 29/09/2019 00:18

Save yourself the trouble and let him have the very reasonable access he has requested.

Your attitude is awful and I hope he gets every second with his daughter that he's looking for.

girlintheglass · 29/09/2019 07:26

Years ago my DH was in this situation with a two year old son. The mother didn't think it was fair that he has his son more than every other weekend and a day in the week. She also stopped a holiday and refused to let him take him to Disney land Paris for a weekend. And even had the same argument that DS shouldn't be spending time with the grandparents when he could be with her. Went to court, she lost out. It became 50/50. Which is fair. I know it is hard for you and I appreciate that. But he must feel this too. You are both her parents. Don't spend the next how ever many years fighting because the upset and damage it causes the child is terrible.

NorthernSpirit · 29/09/2019 09:42

@girlintheglass your story is exactly the same as my OH.

The mother dictated contact and how the father parented. An agreed (I’m writing holiday) was stopped the night before as apparently the mother would HER children too much for the 5 days they were away visiting their grandparents.

My OH took her to court was awarded the very reasonable contact he had been requesting for 2 years, and a judge told the mother that if she continued her behaviour the children worked be taken off her and they would live with their father.

Even now she dictates contact - a polite recent request for contact was met with ‘no, you can not see MY children’.

Children aren’t possessions and one parent doesn’t have more power than the other. Everything you have said is about you and your feeling, it’s not about what’s best for the child which is having a lovingly relationship with her dad.

In the case of my OH - After 6 years of courts & fighting to see his own kids you can now see the damage it’s caused to one of his kids and it’s so sad to see. Don’t be that person.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 29/09/2019 11:51

You will almost certainly lose your case. And rightly so.

pikapikachu · 29/09/2019 12:16

The week holiday is not unreasonable. May I suggest that you start working up to 7 days ?

He's not being unreasonable about the mid week overnight too. I assume that the 30 odd miles takes less an hour in travel?

GingersAreLush · 29/09/2019 14:42

he also wants to take her away for a weeks holiday which would break me! it really won’t. You’d miss her but it won’t break you.

As for the rest of it... he’s not asking for anything unreasonable, he’s an involved dad (as much as he’s “allowed” to be) and your daughter is safe and happy with him. It can be hard but compromise is so important. And I say this as someone who’s been through family court for a year previously with an unstable abusive man. It’s difficult to put feelings you might have about your ex aside but necessary for your child’s sake.

Doyoumind · 29/09/2019 14:54

I've been to court several times so have experience, however my ex was abusive and isn't a good parent.

The court will not be happy that you haven't come to an agreement outside of court because his request isn't unreasonable, even though it will be hard for you.

It will come down to the judge on the day but I think there is a chance he will be awarded the midweek overnight. Swimming lessons etc aren't more important than contact.

Routine is important.

What you need to think about is what happens when she goes to school because it will come around soon. If he's not going to be able to get her to school on time, or whatever, that is potentially an issue which the court might listen to.

Go to court with a detailed and reasoned proposal. Think about what will happen at Christmas, on birthdays, for school holidays etc so that as much as possible is written into the court order. It will make a big difference and reduce future disagreements.

DonnaDarko · 29/09/2019 15:01

He wants to be a part of her life and I think his requests are perfectly reasonable. It's good that he's changing his working hours so he can spend more time with her. I think the problem is not him, it's you and your own issues.

kitk · 29/09/2019 15:13

It is so hard and scary when you're the primary caregiver to have to face up to sharing so much of your time with someone else but you have to put DD first here. He's not asking for unreasonable contact and although it's so hard to be without your child, you will adapt in time. In your situation I would accept his requests and try to future proof an arrangement that can continue once she starts school

3xcookedchips · 30/09/2019 09:49

You sound like some one who wants and expects complete control...

In this situation on behalf of your child and the father, court can only benefit their relationship as they will endeavour to put a schedule in place suitable for her age and ensure you do not disrupt or interfere...otherwise it will dangled on the end of a string for you to yank when you want...

FYI: becuase your child is 3 its unlikely this will be the last court hearing - unless you wake up to a few realities...

Crazycatperson · 30/09/2019 11:13

Hello again!
In view of there being no issues relating to the care your ex provides to your daughter, I think your ex's request is fair and reasonable. I do however think that 30 miles is a long journey for a young child who is going to school (or nursery). If he has her overnight mid week now I'd suggest it is not on a day she goes to nursery. When she is school age, the court may consider having tea with dad as a better arrangement. She could have overnight contact during school holidays though. Re her spending time with her paternal family, this is a real positive! The court will consider it positive too, as your daughter should feel loved by lots of people and not just you. I split up with my son's father when my son was a baby. His dad has shown little interest in him, and only sees him if someone can physically take my son to his house. He's never taken him on holiday or attended parents evenings etc. As for maintenance - I won't even go there! I've always promoted contact though, and my son has a great relationship with his paternal family. I made sure of this as you never know what is around the corner and if you're not around, then dad and paternal family are!
The bottom line is, he will may not be a stickler for routine as you are, but there is love there. Please be grateful that your daughter has a father who is interested in her.

Willydish · 01/10/2019 19:01

I agree with the view point of most replying posters that your reluctance to agree to your ex having more time is more about your feelings and emotions than what is best for the child. Your being presumption of what you think will be negative affects. It would take time to acclimatise too but if both sides are on board this COULD be a smooth transition if everyone cooperates and pulls together.
I really do feel you are being selfish over the 7 day holiday issue. Would you hope to go on holiday in the future? Had you stayed together with your ex I would imagine likewise you would also be hoping to be able to do this. Why should a child miss out on a holiday that can be afforded (not everyone can) because you will miss them? I really don't agree with forcing different expectations post split that wouldn't be there had a split not happened.

PrettyPurse · 01/10/2019 19:07

Sorry @gemmal4625 but l also think you are unreasonable.

DD is not a baby and can voice any needs. EOW and during the week is very reasonable.

Or if tiredness for pre-school is your main concern then maybe he should have 3 weekends a month and no over nights mid week....

Ultimately he is her Dad and l think you'll be wasting your £££ going to court.

It will have to be reviewed when she starts school..... and be prepared for your Ex to want half of school holidays

whatthehek · 01/10/2019 19:10

My ex lives 42 miles away, that's about an hour in the car give or take traffic. He has our 3 year old son every other weekend but he will want more contact as time progresses.

It's difficult when it's a bit of a distance. If he asked for every weekend I wouldn't say no. It makes it difficult when they attend nursery and eventually school. I'm pretty sure my ex wouldn't interfere with mid week for that reason unless it was holidays.

If he asks for extra days, I don't say no. I miss my son like mad when he's not here, but I have to remember it's about him and not me. If he's happy to go, then I'm happy for him to go.

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