Opinions - is this reasonable?

[BreatheAndFocus]

Hi - this is my first post so sorry for the length. I really want opinions about whether I’m right to be upset with ex, and if what he’s doing is acceptable. I don’t think it is but after years of manipulation from him, I doubt myself sometimes. Any input would be great.

Ex and me share custody of DD, who’s just 4 yrs old. We have 50/50 care by arrangement. There’s no court order. Ex recently started an apprenticeship course. DD recently started school. She does 8.40 to 11.55am 5 days a week as she’s a Summer baby and that’s how her school does it for starting Reception. So ex and I spent weeks over the Summer discussing and agreeing a new contact plan to take into account DD being at school. He’s previously been verbally abusive and manipulative, but he seemed to be being very reasonable and pleasant. I asked him how he was going to organise dropping off and collecting DD from school on his contact days. He reassured me that his hours were flexible and he could take shorter days on the days he had DD in the week. I stupidly believed him.

What’s actually been happening is that he’s not done any school drop offs or collecting at all. He’s got his elderly dad to do them all. His dad is mid 80s and he isn’t in the best of health. Ex has previously told me that his dad would need to give up driving soon because he was getting dithery and making poor decisions. Ex said that he (ex’s dad) only drove locally now and that he no longer let his father drive the car when DD was in it because of all this.

BUT I now find out ex has been driving DD all the way to his dad’s house at night and then his dad has been driving DD to school in the morning - a 50 minute drive!! Both ex and me only live 5 mins from the school so this is complete madness. His father then collects DD from school and drives DD another 50mins back to his (ex’s father’s) house. Then in the evening ex goes to his father’s house and drives DD another 50 mins back to his own house so he can pretend he’s had DD all along when I collect her from him in the evenings!

AIBU? Surely this is mad - not to mention possibly dangerous? Poor DD is exhausted and unsettled. I’m worried about her safety and her being so tired, and it also chills me that ex could do this and that he lied so believably that I trusted him.

If he can’t take DD to school, he could drop her off at mine for me to take, or use the school’s own wraparound care. I can’t get my head round why he’s doing this. I’m a SAHM.

What can I do? I’m dreading speaking to ex because he just talks over me, lies and makes it impossible to think.

Please - is what he’s doing really as wrong for DD as I think it is? How would you approach this? What are my rights? Can I do anything? I’ve been lying awake worrying most of the night : (

Anyone?

I think you do need to say something now before it becomes the norm. I would start by asking him to confirm if it is himself doing the drop offs and pick ups (in case you've got the wrong story) If it's not, then it's entirely reasonable to re-look at the arrangement as it's not what was agreed to. You can flag up that there's no need for the long journey or his father to drive so much when you know he's been worried about his driving before. You're happy to take on the drop offs etc.

Essentially you can not control how he manages your DD on his time, just as he can not control your time. What you can do is suggest that if he needs any help with drop offs and pick ups you would be only too happy help.

Oh meant to add as my solicitor said the UK family court system is reactive not proactive because you think something might happen is not a reason to change things.
In my case it took my ExH being arrested for drink driving with DD in the car before changes could be made. Even though I had smelt alcohol on him when had been driving DD.

i certainly woludnt be letting this go!!

i would ask your DD who takes her school etc- get facts from her then approach your ex

or if you can - the father (x's dad)??

What can I do?

Go to the school at pick up every day and get her. If your ex wants to stop you he will Have to take time off work and be there himself every day.

Thank you, everyone. Really appreciate all your comments : )

@refusetobeasheep That’s a very good point. I hadn’t thought that I’d be letting it become the norm. That’s spurred me on to say something as soon as I can.

@Lonecatwithkitten Thank you. Interesting to read what your solicitor said as I don’t have one (hoped I wouldn’t need one). Your answer was what I was worried was true - that ex can do what he wants in his time.

I was thinking of it as being what’s best for DD - best that she’s not driven by someone who is possibly driving poorly. I think you’re saying I can’t prove that? But I also feel that even if ex’s father was a fine driver, the fact DD is spending all that time travelling completely unnecessarily is wrong. Some days she’d be being driven around for more than 2 hrs : (

@carly2803 I’m sure this is what’s happening. I’ve spoken briefly to DD in a casual way and she confirmed what I thought.

I definitely won’t let it go! I’m angry and upset for DD. It’s all so stupid. I’m also fed up with ex’s constant lying. I can’t trust him to tell me the truth about anything. I sometimes feel there’s no point even talking to him because all I get is a pack of lies, but this I can’t leave.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart Thank you! That was my gut reaction, but then I worried I’d look bad doing that and as if I was trampling over ex’s contact time?

He’s already twisted things round previously to make me look bad when he was the one who was at fault. He’s a very good liar and people believe him. It makes me afraid to put a foot wrong in case he uses it against me

I could speak to him first to give him an opportunity to sort things out? Then if he doesn’t, collect DD myself like you suggested. I can’t get my head round how he can think it’s ok to do this. I was hoping he’d improve as time went by, but he’s just the same.

I would speak to him again and tell him that either he collects her or you do but either way his dad is not to be driving her anywhere. It’s just too risky. He’ll probably tell you he’ll do it but your DD is old enough to tell you if grandad has collected her. At which point you then take over the pick ups.

I’d be picking her up from school myself. If e ‘S Dad is there just tell him
You’re sorry but it’s too much for Dd to be taken back & firth & you appreciate he was helping Ex out but he can’t pick her up from school

Tell Ex you will see him in court.

Right now he doesn’t have any ‘in his time’ he has the time you’ve let him have, he’s ducked that up, so now he will have to go to court to get ‘his time’

The man is an idiot.

(Nothing against the grandad or older people driving. My Aunty is 90 and still drives, perfectly fine! I’d let her drive the kids)

If exfil is nice, maybe invite him round for a cup of tea and quality time with dd so he isnt doing a 110 min journey for nothing.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart Good advice. I must sound stupid but all ex’s lying just paralyses me because it’s so mad and so not adult (he’s lied about the weirdest things). What you’ve said sounds sensible.

@IncrediblySadToo Yes, he is an idiot. He’s created this situation himself. If he’d told me the truth, we could have sorted something out and I could have been flexible to his needs. What depresses me is that he doesn’t seem to learn from the fall-out from his previous lies. I genuinely thought he was getting better but he’s not. He’s only pretending. All the earnest, friendly discussions were all fake. I really, really don’t want to go to court. I wish he’d just be normal.

@C0untDucku1a I don’t blame ex’s dad. I’m sure he thinks he’s helping and I wouldn’t be surprised if ex has spun him a bunch of lies about the situation.

It’s awful weather here today. I woke up and my first thought was DD being driven in this wind and rain (and lightning forecast too). It’s not weather I’d choose to drive in. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that DD is going to be driven by him all that way.

I have to go in to school later today anyway, so I’m seriously debating just collecting her myself. I don’t want to email ex because he loves emails. He writes the most pompous replies, and bigs himself up by doing so. He’s then even more impossible to deal with because there’s not even a chink of doubt in his armour of arrogance and self-confidence, and he’ll talk down to me and lecture me I know some of it’s an act, but he can be vicious.

I meant to add that I prefer to talk to him face to face because he then has to think on his feet and isn’t so outrageously condescending to me.

Definitely pick her up yourself today, tell Grandad there must have been some mistake. Then when super idiot calls/comes to collect her, just tell him
It’s not happening. You’re not having her travelling all that way with his father when it’s completely unnecessary. It’s dangerous!

You don’t have to go to court, but you can tell him he will have to organise access through the courts - put the wind up him.

Liars like him don’t change ‘anything for an easy life’ They think, but it just makes life harder.

You need to make sure DD understands she doesn’t have to back up his lies and keep secrets from mummy. No matter what he says/threatens/bribes. ☹️

Make sure you’re writing all of this kind of stuff down sonthat if you DO need to go to court at any time, you have a history of his lies & stupidity! Better to be prepared and not need it

You said it perfectly - completely unnecessary and dangerous.

I can’t tell you all how much you’ve helped. Thank you all

I went into school today as planned - only to see ex standing there looking rough as anything. He said he’d been ill last night and had taken the day off. So - the good thing is that he actually did collect DD today, but the bad thing is that I didn’t catch him out on his lies.

However, I’m now ready to speak to him a lot more confidently when I get the chance (didn’t want to start anything at school). Hearing you all speak so much sense and confirm he’s being an idiot is a relief and a boost.

Update - I talked to ex, making sure to be polite but to the point, and it didn’t go well. He said he could do what he wants when DD is with him.

I responded saying that wasn’t the case of DD’s health and safety were affected, but he just won’t have it. He said he was happy with it and that was all that mattered.

I am so fed up with him He’s the most arrogant, bullying person I’ve ever met. He’s never wrong and he’ll do what he wants, either openly or deceitfully. I’m so worn out dealing with him.

If this is in the wrong place, please tell me. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to start a new thread or not. Any help or any positive stories or any experience with dealing with someone like this would be great.

I’m wondering whether I should get some legal advice? The reason I haven’t been to court so far is that he’s a pathological liar with a scary knack for making himself out to be perfectly lovely and reasonable, and me to be the baddy when all I’ve ever done is try to protect DD.

Feeling a bit hopeless about it all

Get a solicitor - you dont need to be scared of him, but a solicitor means there's a gateway between you and his shit. Let him write his pompous emails - you just need to reply with the bare minimum and not entertain the rest of his nonsense.

How did it get to 50/50 if you are a sandwich?

Is DD also spending the night with her grandad without her dad being there? It seems wrong if this is a very regular thing since her time with her dad should mostly be spent with him.

Do you think he would use the wrap around schoolcare option?

I can't imagine the grandad is going to be happy with spending almost 4 hours on school drop offs on a regular basis.

Get legal advice op. This sounds shit.
And let him be pompous in his emails - you need a paper trail.
Why does he want 50/50 do you think, to spite you? I'd not be happy with someone doing that journey frequently if they're not a competent driver. Is he definitely not? Do you lije/trust him otherwise?

Thank you all. It’s 50/50 because he’s a bullying sh*t. That’s the short version of a very long story. I think he’s making his father do all this driving because he doesn’t want me to have a minute of extra time with DD. I truly think that’s the main reason.

It seems him and DD are both staying overnight there so his father can do all the school driving.

I’ve arranged to get some advice. I don’t think there’s much I can do as he’s not breaking any law. I can’t understand why he’d do this and not think about DD. Even if he wanted to stop me seeing DD, you’d think he’d use the wraparound care. His attitude stinks.

Trying to co-parent with him is impossible. He lies constantly and trying to plan anything is an ordeal. But with 50/50 established, I don’t think I can change anything. I wish there was some way he could be told to be sensible about school for DD’s sake.

I think it's shocking of him to put your daughter in 'danger" so to speak when he knows there's a risk. I'd say something straight away. You are doing the right thing trying to protect your daughter and keep her safe. If he doesn't listen go and get her yourself and see a solicitor