Opinions - is this reasonable?

[BreatheAndFocus]

Hi - this is my first post so sorry for the length. I really want opinions about whether I’m right to be upset with ex, and if what he’s doing is acceptable. I don’t think it is but after years of manipulation from him, I doubt myself sometimes. Any input would be great.

Ex and me share custody of DD, who’s just 4 yrs old. We have 50/50 care by arrangement. There’s no court order. Ex recently started an apprenticeship course. DD recently started school. She does 8.40 to 11.55am 5 days a week as she’s a Summer baby and that’s how her school does it for starting Reception. So ex and I spent weeks over the Summer discussing and agreeing a new contact plan to take into account DD being at school. He’s previously been verbally abusive and manipulative, but he seemed to be being very reasonable and pleasant. I asked him how he was going to organise dropping off and collecting DD from school on his contact days. He reassured me that his hours were flexible and he could take shorter days on the days he had DD in the week. I stupidly believed him.

What’s actually been happening is that he’s not done any school drop offs or collecting at all. He’s got his elderly dad to do them all. His dad is mid 80s and he isn’t in the best of health. Ex has previously told me that his dad would need to give up driving soon because he was getting dithery and making poor decisions. Ex said that he (ex’s dad) only drove locally now and that he no longer let his father drive the car when DD was in it because of all this.

BUT I now find out ex has been driving DD all the way to his dad’s house at night and then his dad has been driving DD to school in the morning - a 50 minute drive!! Both ex and me only live 5 mins from the school so this is complete madness. His father then collects DD from school and drives DD another 50mins back to his (ex’s father’s) house. Then in the evening ex goes to his father’s house and drives DD another 50 mins back to his own house so he can pretend he’s had DD all along when I collect her from him in the evenings!

AIBU? Surely this is mad - not to mention possibly dangerous? Poor DD is exhausted and unsettled. I’m worried about her safety and her being so tired, and it also chills me that ex could do this and that he lied so believably that I trusted him.

If he can’t take DD to school, he could drop her off at mine for me to take, or use the school’s own wraparound care. I can’t get my head round why he’s doing this. I’m a SAHM.

What can I do? I’m dreading speaking to ex because he just talks over me, lies and makes it impossible to think.

Please - is what he’s doing really as wrong for DD as I think it is? How would you approach this? What are my rights? Can I do anything? I’ve been lying awake worrying most of the night : (

Thank you @Mamabear500

I was starting to doubt myself sometimes. He makes me do that a lot. It makes it very hard to be sure what’s reasonable and what’s not. I feel worn down by the situation sometimes. Every time I try to stand up for myself or set boundaries, he suddenly becomes a victim and I’m the big meanie upsetting him.

On another occasion, he’d been in the wrong and his parents accused me of doing the very thing he’d done! When I tried to politely correct them, they went on the defensive and had a go at me, saying I was causing trouble. So I can’t speak to his father or anyone about this and have a reasonable chat. He seems to have already told his whole family I’m the bad one, so I can’t raise anything or say anything.

I posted on here to get some feedback and it’s been really helpful. I’ve also spoken to friends and family, and they all think what he’s doing is unnecessary, but every time I try to raise it with him he accuses me of trying to cause trouble. He’s now told his DF I’m trying to cause trouble, so that’s totaly shut off any chance of another discussion there.

The general situation gets me down. I don’t know how to navigate across all this. If this had been something minor, I’d have kept my mouth shut, but it’s not. But saying something hasn’t helped, it’s just made things crap again.

I’d just stop the 50:50 now before it becomes too established especially if nothing’s been agreed in court. It’s absolutely bonkers that you’re available to do school pick up but your child is having to go with their grandparent. It’s not contact time if your ex isn’t seeing your daughter.
I would just go and pick her up from school every day and if ex wants to see her when he’s back from work then I’d let him have her then since he’s only 5 mins away.

Also to add you can contact the school and say she’s not allowed to leave with grandparent.

Thank you @Polly111 I’m so tempted to do the pick-ups but I don’t feel I can because it will look like I’m being confrontational and breaking our 50/50 agreement. I thought ex could nominate someone to do his pick-up? (Ex has PR).

I have a suspicion ex almost wants me to do this so he can then look like the reasonable one who stuck to the agreement. He’s lied from the start and I don’t want to give him any ammunition.

I’ve spoken to the school and they seem sympathetic. I had to tell them because DD was so tired one day. I’m trying hard not to rush in and mess things up. A friend told me “Keep your side of the street clean” - ie don’t do anything wrong even if they do.

50/50 is all about the nights spent with each parent so if he collected her from yours before bedtime he would still be counted as having 50/50. Is it possible he'd be ok with picking up for yours so he can still say he does 50%?

@pikapikachu No, he’s insisting on 50/50 - literally. Exactly the same hours each.

He sees his hours as his even if he’s away from DD. If I were to take DD to school, he’d see that as me taking his hours. DD’s needs don’t get a look-in. It’s all about winning in his mind. He’s done similar before but on odd occasions. I never thought he’d do this on a regular basis.