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Original poster

If xp seeks legal advice about access to the kids, will it go to court or is it sorted outside of court ??

31 replies

nutcracker · 10/08/2007 18:25

He is not allowed to see them as from yesterday, as he lies about where they are going and who is going with them, and ignores requests to make sure they have enough to drink etc.
I no longer wish to deal with him at all.

I am well aware that I cannot stop him from seeing them if he takes it further, but if he does what will happen ??

Tbh I doubt he will bother as he will think I will change my mind eventually, but I won't, I am sick of him pissing us about.

We were never married but his name is on all 3 birth certificates.

OP posts:
yesheresafiver · 10/08/2007 18:53

dont know nutty (it is i, the owly one btw), thought id bump it for you...have to rush...speak to you laters.

charliecat · 10/08/2007 18:57
Sad
compo · 10/08/2007 19:00

I am for you and for you
BUT he is their father. What do they say about it? Do they enjoy spending time with him?
Don't do anything in haste that you might regret later.

zmandaz · 10/08/2007 19:14

If he goes to court he can request a parental responsibility order and access rights as far as I know. You're best to write everything down so that if it comes to it you can show that he's not been responsible whilst the children were in his care. I've been told that the courts will try to allow reasonable access where possible. As far as not having to deal with him directly, if you have a solicitor you can ask that he only contact you through them only.

The thing is, it would cost him to go to court so it depends on how badly he wants access. I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:23

They do enjoy spending time with him yep, but I do not trust him one bit.

They left here at 10:30 yesterday and I told him they only had one drink each so he'd have to buy a bottle of water for them to share and he said ok. Also told him that there wa sun cream in the bag, could he make sure they had it on.

They arrived home at 5pm and they had only had the one drink I had packed them, and had no cream put on. They were all ratty through dehydration and had bright red necks.

When we split I told him he could have as much access to the kids as he wished, but this has never worked, the cntact has been so sporadic and it really unsettles the kids, especially ds.

He is also banned from taking them anywhere near his parents. He hates his parents as much as I do, but I know what his family are like and they will work there way round him and he will take them there if he thinks he won't get found out.

Yesterday ds had to spend all day out with a boy who constantly slaps him, hits him, tells him he isn't allowed to speak, move or laugh, and is basically a bully. Had I been tld beforehand that this boy was going, then ds wouldn't of gone.

I cannot trust him to take the kids out and care for them adequetly, and I am just not prepared to bend over backwards for him anymore, just because it is his right to see his kids. If he wants to see them he needs to prove he is capable and right now he isnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:24

Oh and if it will cost him to go to court, which it might as he reckons he has a job now, then I can garuntee he will not go for conatct or anything.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 10/08/2007 19:29

if he seeks legal advice he will have to pay if hes working.If you are adament that he is not seeing them then it will have to go to court if he takes it further

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:29

Sorry, my post was a bit ranty, wasn't intentional.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:30

Right ok, thanks.

I'm not sure what to do tbh, but I just do not trust him at all and am sick of him being interested one minute and not the next.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 10/08/2007 19:31

ur post isnt ranty.....he has pissed u off nad really isnt thinking about his kids needs.....i would be annoyed if dp couldnt be trusted to give the kids a bloody drink.why anyone should have to remind someone to do that is a joke really

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:35

Well yeah, especially as I had already reminded him to do so.

I think for now, I am going to do absolutly nothing and see exactly what he does, which I have a feeling won't be alot.
As he is aprently now working, there is no way he will pay anyone to sort out access on his behalf, so there is every chance we won't hear from him again after a few ranty phonecalls.

I always wanted my kids to be able to see their dad, but not when he behaves like this. I can honestly say that at the mo they would be better off with no contact.

Oh and thanks for the bump earlier oh owly one

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 10/08/2007 19:38

you do whatever u think is best for ur kids.you r the constant role model who only wants to protect them.

jaynehater · 10/08/2007 19:42

I'm so sorry if this upsets you, but can i put a POV from the other side?

DH's ex was constantly calling into question dh's ability to care for dsd, when in reality it was just the kind of debate that would have occurred within the context of their relationship, had it continued.

Only you can know if he is genuinely risking their health and wellbeing, or whether these are issues that you would have taken issue with as his partner and tolerated.

Dh and ex divorced 12 years ago, and the only advice I can give you is from our viewpoint - sometimes you have to trust that although the other parent isn't doing it how you'd like (and I have to say here, I'd be the last to allow uncomplicated access, I would dread the thought of relinquishing the care of my wonderful dd's to dh, however much he loves them) they're doing it to the best of their ability, and that's ok too.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:42

I don't think I know whats best though.

He knows I didn't want it to be like this. My parents made a right cock up of their divorce from mine and my brothers point of view, and xp knows that it was important to me that our seperation didn't end up like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 19:45

Jayne, had we still been together and he'd taken them on a day out with people who i didn't want him to, and not given them a drink or put sun cream on then we'd have had a row about it as in my opinion these are basic parenting skills and he doesn't have them, and the reason he doesn't have them is because is is far more interested in his own well being.

The fact that ds had to spend a whole day with a boy who I have been trying to keep him away from for the past few months makes my blood boil. Xp was well aware what this boy is like with ds and yet he still made him spend all day with him just so he could continue the chase foe the boys mother. He is a selfish pig.

OP posts:
jaynehater · 10/08/2007 19:49

That sucks.

I'm a little oversensitive on this one sometimes, as a partner of someone who was denied access for months over minutae, so please forgive me if I was crass.

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/08/2007 20:05

On no I quite understand where you are coming from

As I said, xp was told when he left that he could see the kids as often as he wished, but he has chosen to mess them about instead.

He is 50 in January, you'd think he'd be grown up enough to sort this out properly.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 10/08/2007 20:56

nutcracker sounds like your ex is very irresponsible, he should be protecting his children when they are in his care, you could sit back and do nothing or go to mediation, if he wont do that then it could end up in court.

orangehead · 10/08/2007 21:59

solistors will try and settle it out of court first.he will have to pay solistors fee and court fees unless he not working, so if u think his heart not in it this might put him off. I similar situation in middle of court as I stopped contact a year and half ago as he was going to shops and leaving kids in house alone, at time aged 2 and 3 1/2, leaving the same nappy on them all day long, letting them watch the matrix, not turning up at times as well as long list of other things. Court can go either way decides on what cafcass officer you get but generally if you are concerned about they welfare they will prob suggested supervised contact with either a family member or a contact centre

gingeme · 10/08/2007 22:13

nutcracker when ex and I split and I met my now dh he went for custody because he was jelous. It was a blessing in a way because we sorted when and where he could see dc and we both had to stick to it or go back to court. It worked for a while until he decided my dh wasnt bringing them up properly and went for custody again. Basicaly it was laughed out of court. It has all settled now(this was over 5 years ago now) and all is ok.
I would advice you to atleast get an appt with a solicitor to see where you stand as far as his visiting rights are concerned. Oh and by the way parental responsability isnt worth the paper its written on. My ex kept throwing it at me that he had it and my solicitor told me this.
Good luck with it all I know it is extremely frustrating.

pirategirl · 11/08/2007 10:18

nut, i send you hugs, i don't have any real answers, as am goingthru similar, i think we have met b4 on this subject.
its never endingisnt it, and youfeel like you have no rights, to decide for your kids, nut they have every right to let them down.

My thread, below says of how my ex just picks and chooses, yet we dont have that luxury do we.

I guess, if yo put your foot down, they can go to court, and be allowed to have the regular contact, but it wont stop them stillletting the kids down, pissing us about, and basicaly not demonstarting basic care.
my dd comes home filthy,with matted hair and it's days old dirt. if he ever washes her hair it's never brushed, ans he just doesnt give a toss.

LIZS · 11/08/2007 10:26

nutty . I'd suggest you write down this and any other instances where he has been less than vigilant when in sole charge or nto shown up as arrnaged, just in case he does try it on , which seems unlikely tbh.

allgonebellyup · 11/08/2007 10:41

Can i just say that when i went to court because dd's dad showed up after 2 yrs and wanted access, i had written it all down in a diary for the court to see.
it showed he hadnt bothered with dd for 2 whole years, no cards, phone calls, nothing.And started huge fights ,physically pushing me in front of her etc..

the court basically said "the past doesnt matter any more, we need to look at the future."
so they ignored me and granted my dd's dad access every other weekend where he could take her away to hotels and spend the night with her,doing whatever he wanted
Courts are crap imo

Original poster
nutcracker · 12/08/2007 11:21

Thanks for all of the advice. I have decided to wait and see what xp's next move is before I do anything.

I think he will probably ring in the next few days. If he does, I will tell him that if he wants access he is ging to have to get a solicitor and then I will do the same.

Going by his previous record, I think he will find it all too much trouble and won't take it any further, which is kind of good and awful all at the same time, as it means he really does not give a toss about his kids.

I am finding it so hard to think I ended up with a bloke who cares so little about his own kids. Plus when I was with him, seeing his 2 kids from his previous marriage was so important to him, so why not our kids, what did they do that is so wrong.

I just cannot get out of my head that since we split I have tried so hard to get him to see his kids regularly and take them out even 2 seconds down the road to the play area, and then he comes over here to take someone elses kids out fishing in the parl. My ds would have loved his daddy to take him fishing in the park.

OP posts:
LIZS · 12/08/2007 11:30

nutty. How old were his other kids when you knew him intiially . Could it be he just doesn't know how to cope with younger ones ?

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