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Original poster

Meeting sometime new???

31 replies

SpideyMom · 16/09/2019 23:30

OK, well I thought this would never happen but since August I've started talking to this guy so it's very early days. It is a pretty big deal for me to be honest. I have been on my own since I separated from my DS dad, it's been over 4 years. I've been content and happy.

I do get offers of dates but I've never felt any connection to anyone until now. And it really scares me as I was so shut off and as I say happy and content.

My problem is I really don't know how to deal with this. We haven't met yet but I feel its getting there and its been mentioned a few times but nothing ever set. I often find myself trying to work things out to be told I am over worrying.

I just can't seem to stop myself worrying and panicking and generally just wondering how black-and-white I should be?

I have been happy on my own, time is very precious to me so I don't want to waste it on someone who doesn't want to get to know me too.

Ultimately I just want to laugh with someone and share abit of life with them if all goes well, but initially I really just wanna laugh and enjoy their company.

How do I move things on or is that down to him? We both have kids who obviously will always come first so neither of us get much free time. But we are both in our mid 30s, him being a few years older than I am so I don't want to feel confused about a situation.

Help me please from someone who is beyond clueless in these situations

OP posts:
Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 06:50

Probably shouldn't have posted so late. Obviously I meant someone new

OP posts:
fuckyouelsa · 17/09/2019 06:53

I'd think that since you've been chatting since August, you should just meet? Don't read into things too much, take things as they come and don't invest yourself too soon.

fuckyouelsa · 17/09/2019 06:54

And in answer to how do you move things on, just ask him if he'd like to meet since you've been chatting a while and seem to get along/have shared interests etc

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 07:11

We have both asked each other the same question a few times now. We just haven't actually arranged anything. At first I was OK about that but now I just think we need to meet

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Rosielily · 17/09/2019 07:33

I assume you've made contact via a dating site? Some men just like to "chat" without meeting up, as do some women. I've found myself in the situation you describe. Now I just say "let me know when you're free to meet up" and leave it at that. If they don't respond, or if they respond and don't answer your question, then you've got your answer. Just move on and look for someone who does want to meet. Good luck!

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 08:42

Thanks for your replies.

To be honest its made me really nervous. I had a terrible terrible time with my DS dad. I've been over that relationship for a long time but I've been on my own most of my sons life. I've made myself happy and content again. It's only recently where I've felt like I want to venture into the dating world.

Maybe I'm fussy but if I don't feel any kind of spark I won't engage in conversation. I get offers of dates but I never take them up on it because I don't feel motivated to and that says it all for me. I don't think it's fair when someone is putting their intentions very clearly on the table and I don't feel even slightly interested. They deserve someone who does want their attention and I mean that in the nicest of ways. Everyone deserves to be happy.

This one though has taken me by surprise as its brought out a side of me I thought I had shut off forever. My DS dad ruined me. I've never wanted to put myself in a situation where someone else could do the same to me.
But I really want to get to know him more. We seem to get on so well when we talk, but I am very aware meeting in person is different to over messages. We move forward then randomly take a step back. And then move forward again for things to step back a little again. I guess it's got me over thinking which I really shouldn't be doing. We talk every day so it isn't a lack of communication, I just feel sometimes we come to a standstill. I've even joked about us just being pals who message and he said 'you must be joking, I can't stop thinking about you'. So I suppose its there where the uncertainty comes in.

I guess the first one was always going to cause me to worry haha. I know for sure I don't want to dive in and expect everything from someone. I really just want to laugh and have fun with someone and see where it goes. I don't have the kind of life where I can invest every spare moment in him. I don't think it's healthy. But I also don't want to be still making bad choices and wasting time and the wrong people

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PumpkinP · 17/09/2019 09:36

I think your putting too much pressure on it, you haven’t even met up yet. I think you need to get that out of the way first

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 09:42

Very true

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kitk · 17/09/2019 19:37

I think you need to meet. There's no way for you to know whether you want things to progress til then and you might be wasting all this worry time on someone whose looks or personality repulse you. Or you might go, find out he's an absolute perfect man and revise your feelings. Either way one date is not signing you up to a long term relationship. I'd meet and go from there and given he sounds like an online guy, be safe and tell a friend your deets. Fwiw I was just looking for dates and fun times and met the most perfect man who has properly changed me and DDs life. You've done everything right- time to grieve your precious relationship, recover your confidence and self respect- one date can't hurt cab it? Report back how it went!

Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 19:40

Echoing other posters. Meet up and SOON. You could have a coffee one day this week.

Unfortunately there are too many time wasters who just want to chat, and a lot of men who will just ghost and block you for no reason - before or after you meet.

I won't go longer than a week or two without meeting now (unless there is VERY good reason not to) and I limit text chat. One or both parties can get overinvested in someone they've never met before and that's just odd.

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 20:52

I'm used to the man making that move though. So what do i do? I know I must sound pathetic but I really don't have a clue

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Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 20:55

I've said we should meet up before. He has agreed. That's how far we get. It's getting abit annoying really

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Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 21:59

'Hi man. Are you free on X day at X time to meet for a coffee?'

PumpkinP · 17/09/2019 22:43

I would just say “so when are we meeting up then” I don’t think that’s too forward if you’ve both already discussed meeting

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 22:46

So I just said if you fancy it let me know when you are free so we can get something arranged. He replied asking where I live

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Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 22:51

Do you know roughly where he lives? Are you close?

Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 22:51

Obviously don't give your address!

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 23:01

Oh god I'm not giving him my address.
I know the area he lives. We are about 45 minutes apart.

I really don't remember arranging to meet being this hard when I was younger lol

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PumpkinP · 17/09/2019 23:01

I think he probably just means area not actual address. Well I hope so anyway!

Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 23:04

It doesn't have to be hard op! Youve asked when he is free, and now he wants to know whereabouts you are hopefully so he can come out your way or suggest somewhere halfway.

Original poster
SpideyMom · 17/09/2019 23:12

Well I've left it in his hands now so we will see. I will be a bit disappointed if he deflects after everything he has said, but at least I will know for sure.

I'm very black and white to be fair. Just this guy has caught me off guard. I like to know where I stand which is why meeting him is important to me to know if I am interested in knowing him more or not.

I feel better for asking though as it was definitely needed

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darkcloudsandrainstorms · 17/09/2019 23:16

You want to meet someone new but you are frightened that they will turn out to be someone old. The chances of someone new actually being someone old are what you make them to be. Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over. It is a real danger. We don’t change. We make the same choices. Ultimately the same mistakes.

You make the difference happen yourself.

Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 23:28

You can't always leave it in the man's hands op. Why can't you take a bit of control? Has he replied?

Original poster
SpideyMom · 18/09/2019 06:35

Because one minute his talking about how much his got to meet me and soon, then before anything is arranged he will go quiet.
Though we talk every day messages are not constant which I understand. We both work, he plays football and we have our kids, but I suppose those moments of silence are where I start to over think. I always thought you'd want to get to know someone if you are making it obvious you are interested in doing just that. It's silences that make myself step back and not want to put myself too much out there. Then i worry that I have been a fool and let my guard down when I shouldn't.
I totally get that I am overthinking/worrying but it's a little inconsistent which I am not used to. I am used to a man making the move.

No reply yet, so I dunno, we will see. He doesn't answer his WhatsApp during the day so I won't expect one soon. But say he does deflect (which I hate more than a straight no) would you say anything else or just leave it there?

OP posts:
Rosielily · 18/09/2019 07:33

Oh just leave it. You've made the effort, he hasn't done anything constructive to facilitate meeting up, and while you're wasting time on him you could be missing out on someone who does want to meet and who you might actually like. I'm the same age as you - believe me, I could write a book the equivalent of War and Peace about some of the men on dating sites. If you want a relationship and not a pen friend then you both have to meet to see if there is a real life spark, not a cyber one!