How to deal with 5050 custody - recent split

[s639]

Really struggling with husband pushing for 5050 custody of 16 month old son. We only split just under 2 months ago (found out he was having affair with work colleague whilst we were on holiday).

We currently have agreed Sunday morning to Tuesday afternoon (Monday and Tuesday, my son is in childcare and we both work so my husband would do drop off and pick up on Monday and I would pick him up Tuesday afternoon). He would also then have every other Saturday from 2.30. Which means every other week I wouldn’t see my son from Saturday at 2.30 until Tuesday at 4. I then have to work on Wed also so my son would be back in childcare.

It all just seems really complicated and for every other week my son won’t see me or be in his home from Saturday lunch time until Tuesday afternoon and it just seems too long. My husband conversely is saying it’s not even enough for him.

Does anyone have any advice about how to split the week when their partner is pushing for 5050? I really really don’t want to lose my son for half the week, he’s still so young but I do understand that he needs to see his dad also. Just don’t know what to do at all.

And we haven’t even started discussing long term finances and maintenance yet (my son and I are remaining in the family home which is rented until the contract expires next year. My husband pays rent and bills and I pay childcare, food and anything our son needs but when we move I will need to pay rent and bills plus childcare and food etc)….it’s all just really complex and any advice would be amazing.

It's hard, but you'll need to make a mindset shift here. Your son will be in his home for half the week - he will be in the home that he shares with his dad. And for the other half, he will be in the home that he shares with you.

There are numerous ways of doing 50/50. I wouldn't recommend a week on-week off for a child of your son's age - it's just much too long without seeing the other parent.

A popular pattern, which is the one I have, is 2/2/3. That's a set two weekdays (e.g. Monday and Tuesday) with one parent, and a set two with the other (e.g. Wednesdays and Thursdays). Then alternate the weekends (Friday to Sunday nights). It means that the longest the child goes without seeing either parent is 5 days. But they're also not constantly moving around. Seems a pretty good balance.

You don't want to lose your son but your ex doesn't want to lose him either. If 50/50 works for your son then you shouldn't deny it.

You both need to think about what is best for your child. My husband has recently left me and my 4 year old. He is an extremely hands on Dad (has always done exactly equal childcare) but we’re not doing 50/50 as agree it’s too much shifting about for her when she’s so young and she needs a main home.

So he will have her to stay a couple of nights a week but then will also come over here and see her a lot, pick her up from childminder and give her dinner if I want to go out. We’re just starting on the journey but hope to make it fluid. Hopefully it will work. But that does depend if you can get on.

Has he been an equal parent in terms of childcare so far?

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad the issue with this is the person who has the child every Wed-Thu sacrifices quite a bit of social life don’t they?

A popular pattern, which is the one I have, is 2/2/3. That's a set two weekdays (e.g. Monday and Tuesday) with one parent, and a set two with the other (e.g. Wednesdays and Thursdays)

I'd love to see some proper research done on the effects on 50/50 care for the child. It seems far more in the interests of the parents than the child. Obviously they need the full involvement of both parents but the instability, lack of routine, feeling of been torn between parents and no "proper" home must be very stressful and can't help wellbeing.

Hi, I have had a bit of experience with this ( i'm Dad ) me and my ex split over 2 years ago and we did a complete 50/50 she moved over an hour away and it still works, we have had to change things for school but while they are young it is defiantly possible.

I really think both parents are needed and you must put the children first no matter what has gone on, at first it is hard but when you look at it from the point of the child and not just what you want out of the situation I think it can work, everyone is different but we used the link below to begin with and worked out an option that worked for us both.

www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/

Communication is really important and flexibility, we got into a routine that much that he knew when he was at mine and his mums he used to say I've got 2 houses, yes 50/50 is not ideal but we do not live in an ideal world so you make the best of a bad situation, in terms of maintenance we didn't do it during the 50/50 that was our choice as we both paid shopping / bills / clothes etc and had him the exact same amount of time, now he is at school we split uniform costs etc we are both quite relaxed about it.

I hope it goes well for you its a huge change.

We don't do 50/50 but our arrangements is ex has DS every Thursday and then every other week it's Thursday to Monday.

I think a lot of 50/50 arrangements now are also to avoid maintenance costs ( not in every case obviously) and generally it's women being turned over again and again along with kids who as they grow older just do not want it at all ( again not every case!). The kids I know on 50/50 have all stopped in their early teens as they can't stand it and who can bloody blame them? I'd hate it myself having to shift every few days. There really no such thing as two homes. That's a fantasy. You always have a favoured spot that you associate with really being home.?

In all likelihood he will be given 50:50 so you probably do need to get used to it unfortunately.

I am another one who doesn't think it is in a child's best interests. I had it from the age of 6 to 14 and I hated it. I am now obsessed with my own home and can't even go on holiday for more than 4-5 days as the homesickness is unreal.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I guess the challenge I face is that my gut says 50/50 is too much moving about for my son at 16 months old. I still consider him too young for a true 50/50 so I was interested to see how other young children had fared with this.

It's probably worth nothing that since 7 months old my son has had separation anxiety with me but not my husband. This eased off a bit around 14 months but has flared up again now.

Yes he was extremely hands on and I'm not denying their bond, nor am I trying to stop him seeing his child. I would never do that. I just question my son spending 3 nights and 4 days away from me as being in his best interest at this age.

Thank you @JamesBB for the link - I'll have a look.

It's just such a huge decision and I don't know what's best for my son. I just want to minimise the impact of all this on him - how he feels is all that matters but he's too young to tell us.

I’m sure it won’t go to court but just so you know a court wouldn’t always say 50/50 especially with such a young child. My solicitor said they think about what is best for the child first and foremost - so if you do the majority of the childcare, work less at all etc that has influence. Would a 16 month old want to be without either parent for 4 days? I’d say no to be honest as it’s a long time

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I do appreciate it's a mindset shift but my husband is currently in the spare room at his parents so it isn't really another home for my son. He will move into his place eventually, potentially with the woman he had an affair with but that isn't clear yet.

Agree that one week on and one week off absolutely wouldn't work.

How did your child/children fare with 2/2/3? Especially for the times they don't see the other parent for 5 days?

This won’t be a popular opinion but fuck him, there is no way that 50/50 is best for a child that age and frankly if he cares so much about his sons interests and having enough time with him, he probably shouldn’t have shagged his colleague and split up the child’s family. People on here are always saying that the parents behaviour in the relationship is separate to their abilities as a parent but I really question that. In my opinion having an affair shows an inability or unwillingness to put the child first and do what is best for them and I would worry that would translate into other situations. Any truly good parent would be able to avoid the temptation of an extra marital affair because of the horrific impact it would have on their child. No way would I be losing half of my time with my baby and setting off a bomb under the poor child’s life because his father couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. He made his bed, he can lie on it. Your baby comes first now and he needs stability and consistency with his primary care giver. I would allow some contact as far as is in the child’s best interests but would fight 50/50 all the way.

Sadly you'll have to suck it up. It's very common in other countries.

@sandyvacancy there's a chance he may take me to court to get a true 5050 split if I don't agree to it. I did get a solicitor to get advise on this and she stated I've shown I've been fair and reasonable so there's a chance the court wouldn't agree with 5050 at my son's age but it's always a risk as there's no safeguarding issue etc.

@rainycloudyday of course I agree. And that's what I feel inside. If he cared that much about his son, why didn't he talk to me before sleeping with someone else. But I have to set that aside now as the courts don't care about it and despite what he's done, I still want my son to have his dad in his life regularly. I just can't get my head around what that looks like and how to minimise the emotional impact on my son.

Does he have the requisite £30k+ it would cost to take you to court? It rarely happens

" I think a lot of 50/50 arrangements now are also to avoid maintenance costs ( not in every case obviously) "

Every time there's a thread about man who wants 50/50 someone will say he doesn't want to pay maintenance. But if you have 50/50 then you are going to pay half of childcare costs. So why is maintenance so important??

@sandyvacancy no he doesn't so am hoping he doesn't start the process and we can sort it out between us.

It's of course still very raw as has been less than 2 months but I just can't accept 5050 for a 16 month old baby and he is really pushing for it.

As much as I'm pushing back on 5050, I'm not denying him access at all. Every other week he will have from Saturday lunchtime through to Tuesday afternoon (he'll be at work but will have either end of Monday and Tuesday morning before he goes to work) and even that I find too long for my son to be away. The alternate week it will be the same but from the Sunday morning, He will also pick him up every week on a Wed from the childminder and put him to bed at my house before I come back from work. He has only done 2 days so far as we are easing him in gradually and comes back so clingy to me.

I think I'd tell him it's not working, it's too much and he needs to go to court.

@Mum56347 because if you have the child 3 days a week you may maintenance. If you have them 3.5 you often don’t. So can make a difference

Could you cope with him seeing him most days but only for an hour or so? Even if he's at your house in the evening?

50:50 at so young is going to be hard. Luckily it will be your sons normal by the time he's older.

@Teachermaths I think that may be more disruptive and I know that my husband won't agree to it as he has already said he wants the full days and overnights so that it's quality time which I do understand.

@timshelthechoice. I am going to have to raise my concerns with him but I just think his response is that he wants half the week.

Does anyone have experience of going through court to contest 5050??

Of course it can make a difference sandyvacancy. Why should anyone have to pay maintenance if you have 50/50?

Perhaps one person earns £150k and the other £20k. It would be very hard for the lower earner to then give the child the same standard of living in both houses.

My ExH pushed for 50/50 we then did 2/2/3/2/2/3. In the end it didn’t work children were being hauled all over the place. They didn’t cope and no matter what I believe they only see one place as their main home. They only go EOW now. Ex’s choice due to his commitments and children wanting more stability.