How to deal with 5050 custody - recent split

[s639]

Really struggling with husband pushing for 5050 custody of 16 month old son. We only split just under 2 months ago (found out he was having affair with work colleague whilst we were on holiday).

We currently have agreed Sunday morning to Tuesday afternoon (Monday and Tuesday, my son is in childcare and we both work so my husband would do drop off and pick up on Monday and I would pick him up Tuesday afternoon). He would also then have every other Saturday from 2.30. Which means every other week I wouldn’t see my son from Saturday at 2.30 until Tuesday at 4. I then have to work on Wed also so my son would be back in childcare.

It all just seems really complicated and for every other week my son won’t see me or be in his home from Saturday lunch time until Tuesday afternoon and it just seems too long. My husband conversely is saying it’s not even enough for him.

Does anyone have any advice about how to split the week when their partner is pushing for 5050? I really really don’t want to lose my son for half the week, he’s still so young but I do understand that he needs to see his dad also. Just don’t know what to do at all.

And we haven’t even started discussing long term finances and maintenance yet (my son and I are remaining in the family home which is rented until the contract expires next year. My husband pays rent and bills and I pay childcare, food and anything our son needs but when we move I will need to pay rent and bills plus childcare and food etc)….it’s all just really complex and any advice would be amazing.

Does he have the requisite £30k+ it would cost to take you to court? It rarely happens
It costs 200 and odd quid to go to court.

Apologies then, my solicitor said £30k + but that might have been for financial settlement not contact

If one person earns so much more than the other then someone should pay maintenance. But the reason why men usually want 50/50 because you can't have a meaningful relationship with your child if you only see him EOW. Not because they're trying to avoid paying maintenance. You're going to have to pay half of childcare costs anyway.

It's actually more common for women to say no to 50/50 because then they would receive less maintenance.

@s639 my girls are older, so their experience probably isn't directly comparable. They were 9 and 11 when we got divorced. The pattern has always worked well for them - they were adamant at the start that they didn't want a week on / week off, because they didn't want to go that long without seeing either of us.

You'll find lots of people on mumsnet fiercly opposed to 50/50, despite the wealth of evidence that children having a strong relationship with both parents is strongly associated with improved life chances. I do suspect that a lot of that is driven by a belief that mums are somehow just intrinsically 'more important', and a desire to maximise maintenance payments. However, there are also legitimate concerns about making it work practically for children. In my experience, those concerns are easily managed, amd very much overstated by the people who are so opposed to 50/50 (most of whom have no experience of it). For example:

1. Both homes need to truly be homes for the child. So they should have everything they need at both homes - that avoids them having to carry stuff between houses, forgetting things they want, or feeling that they live out of a suitcase. The only thing that consistently moves between houses for my two is a stuffed dog (and my eldest would absolutely kill me for confessing to that 🙂). This is the most important thing in my experience. While your stbex is living with his parents, that will be trickier - but as he gets back onto his feet, he will want to ensure that his house is a well equipped home for your son.

1. Think about how you do handovers. Your son is still very young, but our handovers take place around school hours. So the kids simply leave one house on changeover day, and return to the other after school. It's as natural to them as breathing. That is greatly aided by the fact that their mum and I live less than a mile apart.

1. Both parents need to put the kids first. It will be hard for both of you to only see your son half the time, but it's important to recognise when those feelings are about you. They should be set to one side when dealing with your son, so that both parents are positive and encouraging about the time he spends with the other. Those parental attitudes are an important part of a child feeling good about the arrangement. It also helps to put yourselves in the other parents' shoes - I'm always disappointed by the lack of empathy of some posters on mumsnet, who talk about how much they'll miss the child / how hard they'll find it, but seem completely oblivious to the fact that the other parent feels exactly the same.

1. It's important that the child can always have contact with the other parent. Neither should ever stand in the way of them calling / texting or whatever with the other parent. That helps give the child a sense of safety and reassurance.

1. Be prepared to be flexible. In particular, always keep listening to how the child is feeling. Occasionally, they may just need the other parent. Listen to and accommodate those needs. If it becomes clear that the arramgement really isn't working for the child, be prepared to revisit it (as with any other residence arrangement). Kids first, always.

So, with a little effort, 50/50 is a great setup. I firmly believe that, for a majority of kids (not all - every child is different), it is the best solution. Strong relationships with both parents give a child the best possible start in life.

@sandyvacancy - I'm not sure why the 2/2/3 would have a disproportionate impact on either parent's social life? They're both having the kids for the same number of nights per week. And both have every other weekend child-free. That's when my socialising gets done, anyway - I'm too busy working on the mid-week days when I don't have the kids, to ensure I can do shorter days when I do have the kids!

You'll find lots of people on mumsnet fiercly opposed to 50/50, despite the wealth of evidence that children having a strong relationship with both parents is strongly associated with improved life chances

Absolutely agree that a strong relationship with each parent is important. Fundamentally disagree that shunting 1, 2, 4, 6, 8. year olds around each week is good for them. Indeed there’s much published evidence it’s not. And besides would you want to spend 50% of your time somewhere else, with your stuff all over the place? Nowhere quite feeling like home. Selfish

I do suspect that a lot of that is driven by a belief that mums are somehow just intrinsically 'more important', and a desire to maximise maintenance payments

More likely what I’ve written above. What’s best for the child. Don’t know about you but I value that above a couple of hundred pounds a month.

Don’t know about you but I value that above a couple of hundred pounds a month

Me too but youd be surprised how many rps are motivated by money.

Hi s639,
Just wanted to add a little perspective. When my exh left we lived in Scandinavia, home of gender equality 🙂
I felt exactly the same as you do, totally despondent.
However, both my and my exh's lawyers gave us the same advice, that no court would recommend 50/50 for a child so young (ours was 3). The rule of thumb there was that the child should spend no more than 1 overnight away from their primary carer per year old they were each fortnight, so for a 3 year old the NRP would have 3 nights out of 14, building up to 50/50 as they got older if that makes sense.
There should still be other contact if poss e.g. midweek dinner, Saturday day out, but the child should have one home.
They said the only exception would be if their were older siblings or multiples that they would have for extra support and then maybe the schedule could speed up a little.
I realise the courts are different here, but I just wanted to say there is no "one size fits all" solution and the idea that 50/50 is the only way for your child to have a healthy relationship with both parents is not a universal truth.
Good luck, I have been where you are and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

It's easy to say you're against 50/50 when you're RP.

We have a 50/50 pattern as follows:

Week 1
Monday - Mum
Tuesday - Dad
Wednesday - Dad
Thursday - Mum
Friday - Mum
Saturday - Mum
Sunday - Mum

Week 2
Monday - Mum
Tuesday - Dad
Weds - Dad
Thurs - Mum
Fri - Dad
Saturday - Dad
Sunday - Dad

It means that while we do 50/50 I get the longer stretch of 5 days in one go, the longest kids are away from me is 3 days. Works well for both of us.

We have had 50/50 since 11 months. She is a well adjusted, content and happy child who has no issues with transitioning between households and never has. She is now 7, and has never expressed any upset. Whilst I accept it doesn't work for everyone, o also don't believe it should be automatically excluded either- which often mothers do. If both parents have been involved, then it's in the child's best Interest for that to continue. If it's too stressful for the child- fair enough then arrangements should change. But usually it's the parents that seem to have the stress (understandably) no one wants to be a part form their kids- but when it's the norm, with a living parent, they seem to cope.

My ex took me to court for 50/ 50 “shared care” the shared care being the important bit to him as it’s shared care that would wipe out his maintenance liability. We had one session of mediation and it was not good. I hadn’t claimed full maintenance since we split 4 years ago as I didn’t want to rock the boat, but decided to go through cms. He received the letter after our first mediation session and filed papers with the court re shared care. The first hearing was dismissed as we hadn’t had our telephone interviews and A new date set. I still then arranged for my next mediation session, unfortunately I had to cancel it as my mum was having a stem cell transplant. My ex didn’t allow us any time to try and settle things outside of court even though my mum was critically ill. I ended up in court exactly 1 week after laying my mum to rest.
My ex didn’t get 50/50 access. It wasn’t what the children (12,11 and nearly 9 wanted- they weren’t interview at his request) also my ex was already having the children overnight 5 nights out of 14 and we’d been doing that pretty much since we split- at his request, sometimes with amendments made by him. I had also said that the children were happy to go to him for an additional night on the week that he was only having them for 1 night.
The court ruled in my favour. The arrangements stayed as they were and live with me. However as the children said they wanted to go for an extra night every other week that they expected to see that happening.
And even though it’s not an official night at his and quite often he doesn’t have the children due to work, he was very quick to let CMS know he has them for an extra night every fortnight...... because it puts him into the next bracket down to the day for a reduced payment.
And I know it’s all about money for him as he throws it in my face saying I’m trying to get as much out of him as possible and I only work 16hrs a weeks to claim benefits (I don’t work 16hrs a week and haven’t claimed in over 2 years😂)

I never ask for any extra contributions to trips/ uniform/ clubs.....
This all happened in March this year.

If you’re looking at published research, 50/50 only really works for the child where the parents are able to communicate well (i.e. no significant conflict) and to parent consistently, otherwise it’s confusing and disruptive for a child to be spending different weeks in houses with different rules.

EOW gives the child a stable and consistent base during the week when things are more routine (nursery, school etc) and in my view is often the best arrangement for them. I would say the outcome I see most often in family court is EOW with perhaps a night in the week for tea (not overnight). 50/50 can work but only where the conditions are right.

My ex took me to court for 50/50 and the case went on for 2.5 years. In the end he got max 4 hours every other Saturday due to history of DV.

I would be extremely surprised if a judge agreed your arrangement for such a young child. Many dads don't get any overnights at all until the children are older and might think about introducing 50/50 from around 3 years old. Even that would be a stretch.

Court isn't expensive if you self represent. The application is less than £300.

My child was 10m old when the case started btw

EOW parenting time is not enough if you want to establish a strong bond with your child.

I think 50/50 is too much at such a young age. Recent court experience for close family with 4 year old was fri-sun every other weekend and one overnight midweek.

These threads always attract people who say why 50/50 works for them, those who say why shouldn’t nrp have 50/50 care .

But in reality lots of nrp have not been involved , this can apply to women as well as men. I don’t believe anyone should take a very young child away from main caregiver.

That said we do live in a world where men are more involved in the care of children this should also be reflected but children are not N experiment who should be taken away from main caregiver because other parent decides to be involved

How involved you have to be for 50/50 to be the best option? Will NRPs ever get the chance to be involved if they weren't very involved at first?

It’s not about the parents, or about giving them a chance. It’s about what the children need.

Would you want to live in a different home every other week, with different people, different rules, different routines?

Almost every child is going to live in different homes after divorce. Every other week or every other weekend. Most kids get used to different routines. What they really need is a healthy meaningful relationship with both parents.

I would rather see my dad every other week than every other weekend.

I have a 13 month old and dad is requesting 5050 split

He currently has our child one night during the week and one night over the weekend (24 hrs)

I have always been flexible and insisted if he wanted to pick her up from childminders he was more than welcome to but he has never asked

I split bank Holidays and am very considerate with many things that he doesn't even thank me for

We had a verbal conversation regarding the current arrangement we have 2 months ago and said we will review in 6 months (particularly as he is about to lose his house due to landlords selling)

From comments that have been made a souly believe he only wants our daughter more to avoid paying maintenence costs which breaks my heart as I truly enjoy being a mum

As there are no safeguarding issues etc I understand this could be granted, he's requesting 4 days one week with him and his family and 3 days the following, wants set days, but is happy to be flexible and happy to arrange each week a week in advance (very contradicting..)

Of course I would suggest set days but this honestly isn't the route I want to go down, I don't think he has considered that even if he doesn't pay maintenence he will have to pay half of the childcare cost

He left when our DD was 3 months old and every bit of access which has slowly built over time has been offered by me.. I don't like him he's narsastic and controlling but I'm really concerned that this will go through if it goes to court and I really just don't want that

I respect childeren have a right to see both parents and I fully encourage their relationship but I do believe it's not in the best interest of the child as they are never in one place!

Any similar experience outcomes shared would be much appreciated

@Polly303x My ex only ever asks for 50:50 when there is a mention of money. There are a variety of reasons why 50:50 isn’t suitable for DC so I have let maintenance go for sake of DC needs being best met.
Given age of your child and you are the primary caregiver and so a switch to 50:50 would have to be eased into slowly. When a man asks for 50:50 custody of a young child without mentioning or agreement that it shouldn’t be rushed into as child needs to be in a position where they view both parents as the primary caregiver, this to me is a red flag because he isn’t thinking from the perspective of the child or their best interests. Have you asked him to outline how he envisions a transition to 50:50 arrangement would work? This might give you a clear indication of his intentions aka if he actually just doesn’t want to pay maintenance or not.

Do not start this pattern if it's not what you want. Because it will be so hard to break it once it has become established (which happens very quickly) and will be very hard to reduce the time. My solicitor said at this age little and often is what is recommended. Definitely not 2 or 3 days at a time! Or anywhere near 50/50. I think you need to put your foot down and let him know what you're happy with at the mo, and if that's not overnight's yet then that's that. He doesn't get an automatic right to 50/50 especially with a child so young. It's not in the best interests of the child, they need to feel safe and secure with where they are living and sleeping, not being shifted back and forth all the time.