Thinking of Abandoning your Wife and Child? Here’s what you need to know.

[Adviceshop]

1 – will I have to pay maintenance to my ex?
A: Yes – you will have to pay 16% of your gross salary (after pension deductions)
2 – So if I increase my pension contributions my maintenance will go down?
A: Yes.

1. My child is in nursery as we both work – will I have to pay half towards childcare?

A: No, not at all. If your ex wishes to continue working she will have to pay it all.

1. But won’t I have to have the child half the time and pay for my half when I have them?

A: Not if you don’t want to, no. You can just see the child at weekends and explain you can’t have them in the week because you work.

1. Is there a minimum amount of time I will need to see my child?

A: Again, no, you can see your child as little as you wish.

1. What if my ex won’t let me see my child?

A: You can take her to court to force her to allow you to see the child

1. Can my ex take me to court to force me to see the child more regularly?

A: Not at all, no, this is not available as an option.

1. Can I move away from my ex and child?

A: Certainly. In fact, if you move a long distance away you can apply for a “variation” to your child maintenance so that you pay less. You can say this is because you are incurring costs in visiting your child.

1. So I would have to prove that I was incurring these costs to get the variation?

A: Not really no. Keep the receipts from one trip and say that you’re making that same trip every month, even if you’re not. 10. Can my ex move away with my child? A: Yes, but you can apply for a court order to stop her. 11. Can she apply for a court order to stop me moving away? A: No, of course not. 12. Won’t my leaving have an adverse effect on my child? A: Probably, but your ex will probably do everything in her power to minimise the ill effects. 13. How can I be sure my child will be looked after? A: If your ex neglects your child she will be punished by the state. If it gets really bad your child will be taken into care and looked after by the state. 14. Can the state make me take my child back? A: No, not at all. 15. Won’t society think badly of me for doing this? A: Possibly at first. Explain how unhappy you were. If you see your child a few times a year and pay the minimum maintenance then eventually you will be called “A Good Dad”.

AnnaNimmity

So they had 3 properties? That's very different to this situation. They have 1 house that they've only had for 3 years so large mortgage left and virtually no equity. There will be no money to buy 2 new houses from the sale of this 1.

They would have to have 2 mortgages, which she won't get as she doesn't work so how is it worked out? If he pays the mortgage, plus bills, plus maintenance that is all of his money gone.

If he rents 1 room in an HMO he will have to reduce the money to her plus never have the kids overnight.

If he takes enough money for rent on a flat then the amount he pays to her will be drastically reduced. I have no idea what will happen.

yes they did! Very wealthy couple.

Oh sorry I misunderstood.

Sounds like they need to go to court - how old are the children ?

Their needs are paramount and their needs to be housed, near their school and support networks, come before the father's need

Why does the fathers needs come below the mother's needs?

And this is the issue - housing the children near their school will leave no money for dad, at all. The only solution is to buy cheaper houses in a much cheaper area which will be away from the schools.

How do you get the money to go to court? Isn't court the final stage, after solicitors and mediation? Who pays for all of the costs? Does he have to pay his costs plus those of his wife?

how old are the children ?

Primary school age. Youngest is 4

2 ex partners who are committed to 50/50 could sell up and both have more modest properties near each other. They could both work 3 day pw with their mums doing 1 day per fortnight each. They have equal pay and both pay into a joint bank account the same amount of money that they agree goes solely on their child.

The rest of their income goes on their own households.

In an ideal world.

Personally i think a clean break settlement is better.

I think some dishonourable NRPs are trying to derail this thread...

I am so sad to read this but I'm not surprised. I bet the legislation is compiled by men.

And I don't understand why some NRPs think that the amount of money they pay or don't pay to provide for their child's needs is in anyway related to how much time they spend with them or how involved they are in that child's life.

@ThighThighOfthigh not everyone has their mum around to help with childcare - or dad - or any extended family!

Kids should come first and if they are living with mum she needs to be housed. An excellent threat HAS been hijacked.

Kids should come first and if they are living with mum she needs to be housed. An excellent threat HAS been hijacked

I don’t see hijacking? Unless this thread is supposed to just slag off dads and not discuss how the issues might be dealt with?

Personally I don’t think there is a fix. I also think it’s always the person who didn’t instigate the split that is left in the shit, whether male of female.

You are right that the RP needs to be housed. The reality is your average household income/housing doesn’t split into two. So inevitably the RP retains the family home as like you say, the kids need housing. Which leaves the NRP unable to afford suitable accommodation for overnights. Then you get the disney weekend parenting, and disagreements on parenting in general.

It is very hard to maintain the same relationship with children as when you were living with them. Not seeing them everyday makes a massive difference.

I am not saying the stuff in the o/p doesn’t happen. It does. But I also think while we have this societal expectation that mum does the bulk of the childcare, goes part time, sahm etc while dads work full time and earn the money, it will make it easier for dads to walk away. The dads i’ve known who’ve stayed involved are generally the ones where the relationship was equal- both worked, both shared the parenting and household tasks etc. When the mum does the bulk of the parenting before divorce, it can be hard for both parties to adjust post divorce to dad stepping in to look after the children as an equal parent.

Some RP’s also can’t afford the reduction in CM if too many overnights.

Will it change? I don’t think it will. I would line to see dads taking more responsibility. We also need the default to stop being women that step back from work, and look at options to retain earning power. But on the same lines If I did divorce there’s no way I’d not want my children with me the majority of the time.

So in summary, men need to step up before divorce if we are to expect them to do so after. We also need a financial situation where both parents can maintain a home in school catchments etc, and earn enough to maintain their lifestyles equally.

Do we make benefits equal? So if parents choose 50:50 they can share tax credits or child benefit? Particularly relevant if a child has additional needs and may have costs associated with making adjustments to the house, needing specialist equipment etc.

Doesn’t happen though. Divorce is shit and always will be. Someone will always lose out.

They could both work 3 day pw with their mums doing 1 day per fortnight each.

Whose mums? Do you mean the grandmothers? Do you not think grandparents need to work then?

And please tell me where I can get 1 of these 3 day week jobs that pays for a mortgage?

I think some dishonourable NRPs are trying to derail this thread

Yep.

Though I do think it was awfully kind of them to mosey on in here and stand as exhibits in evidence. 🤠 💩

Cheers fellas. Too kind.

If anyone means me, I'm a female RP with grown up kids. I'm just thinking through hypothetical situations where it could possibly work.

Newbame12 my ex got caught cheating with his boss. He got asked to leave and moved straight in with her. Even going so far as to introduce them to their new mum weeks later.

He tried to force the sale of our family home because he deserved to be able to move on. If I'd of sold I'd of had to move area and the kids school's. But he tried to stop me moving areas/schools as that was stopping him seeing the kids. He forgotten he had moved over an hour and half away to live with the OW who refused to move house. So anywhere i coukd afford was too far. I was stuck between a moron and a brick wall. He didnt care where we lived just that he got the house and he got to control where we lived.

So please tell me how he didn't benefit from the split. He lives in a mortgage free house. Sees the kids when he likes. Has numerous holidays abroad. Isnt involved in any of the day to day lives of his children. Hes gone back to uni on day release. Has been promoted as he was able to work long hours.

Ive had to buy him out of the family home that i hate. He chose the house. I wanted to move but the upheavel would of been too much for the kids. Ive stayed for them. Not me. Ive dealt with the children having anxiety attacks, crying for hours, blaming me that daddy left. Ive taken them to counseling. Ive enabled their relationship with him to the best of my abilities and due to this and the counselling etc. all he sees every other week is two children happy/relieved that he has turned up and too scared that he wont to ever tell him the pain he caused.

But yeh im living the life of riley

So please tell me how he didn't benefit from the split

I didn’t say he had . I didn’t say anyone benefitted, except its usually those who didn’t instigate the split that get shafted.

I was musing on how to make a split more even, financially and parenting wise to provide two, secure, equal homes for the kids.

For that to happen you have to have two parents who want to be involved equally. And from the comments on here i dont think that happens often.

The public perception of some NRP is very different to the reality they cause the RP and kids to live in.

" I think some dishonourable NRPs are trying to derail this thread. "

I guess we are not allowed to have different opinions?

@DecomposingComposers you are extremely disingenuous.

No fault divorce- no such thing in UK.

NRP being expected to pay 100% salary - see OP.

In fact -just read the OP. It's just bollocks that the NRP is having such a hard time and my heart absolutely doesn't bleed for them.

I'm not disingenuous at all and I'm using the term "no fault" as short and for no one has done anything awful or no abuse, adultery, coercive control etc.

The facts are as I've said single wage earner, large mortgage outstanding, young children.

He isn't the nrp because they are both still living in the house. He cannot afford to.move out and nor can she. Mil.has suggested that he moves into an HMO.

That's as far as it has got. I don't know what will happen eventually.

I'm not disputing that a lot of ex husbands try to get out of paying, won't see the children etc. But there are also.situations like this were it seems.like the system is almost set up to ensure that the couple are pitted against each other during the process. This can't be the only case where there isn't any equity in the family home to provide the basis for 2 individual homes to be bought so what happens in those cases?

Is it really the case that the dad has to see the children for only day visits eow?

NRP being expected to pay 100% salary - see OP.

I also have no idea what any settlement will agree on. The stbexw is currently saying she expects to stay in the house until youngest child is 18, so 14 years, for man to pay the mortgage plus maintenance plus car. That will take all of his wages.

I don't know, if and when it gets to court, what will be decided.

The public perception of some NRP is very different to the reality they cause the RP and kids to live in.

Too true.

@DecomposingComposers the scenario you are painting is not what happens. He won’t have to pay 14 years of spousal maintenance because it is extremely rare in the U.K. She will have to work. The house will most likely be sold and each will walk off with whatever equity there is. If she wants to stay she will have to pay the mortgage. Mesher Orders are also very rare as the courts favour a clean break. Is she able bodied? He is likely to only be obliged to pay child support. MILs don’t make the financial settlements in the U.K. - that’s what the legal system is for.

So you have distorted all the facts.

The courts do not look at who did what. They are only interested in property.

So in my case there were safeguarding concerns that meant my ex could not stay in the house. Apparently irrelevant in court. All the courts care about is property.

I initiated proceedings because I needed this man out if our lives. He has left with much more money than he ever put in to the marriage and only pays a small amount of child support.

The family courts operate with a “broad brush” so apparently cannot take the time to actually consider the case properly. The legal system is a disgrace - that is the real injustice here.

Your “friend” needs a solicitor though to sort it out. He will have to prioritise those costs - as I did while spending 100% of income plus my savings on supporting myself and my children.

He won’t have to pay 14 years of spousal maintenance because it is extremely rare in the U.K. - not spousal maintenance, child maintenance plus mortgage.

I haven't distorted any facts. I have just referred to what is happening now. I clearly said we had no idea what the end result would be nor what the outcome will be when it goes to court.

You say the house will be sold but then where will the children live? He's not going to see them homeless, so what happens?

Yes, she's able bodied.

Who has to pay the legal costs? Are each party responsible for their own costs?

Oh and don’t forget, he can’t just REFUSE TO PAY. Just like my ex. Ignore two liability orders, all good 🤦‍♀️