Handovers/disengaging from ex

[fluffygown]

Divorced ex-husband 2 years ago and have tried hard to maintain boundaries. We used to get along but due to several disputes definitely do not now. For the record ex did everything he could to try to destroy me and since he failed has gone back to being as fake as anything in front of DC asking how I am etc and then still sending me abusive emails saying I am a bad mother for x, y and z. I've had enough!

We share parenting and with handovers in the past ex used to come inside my flat to drop off DC. I initially thought this was best for DC, showing mummy and daddy on good terms but no longer want ex in my house. We now meet in a local cafe for handovers and have some brief fake chat in front of the kids asking how each other is. Given all the hurtful emails he sends/countless texts I receive I can no longer keep up this bullshit pretence. I do not like the man.

I know these handovers will take place for sometime as DC are young so please tell me how you do it. In films I see a child say goodbye to one parent in a car, run into the house to be greeted by the other parent and the two parents never have to say a word to each other. Does anyone actually do it like this? In the past, I've said to my ex make the handover quick and he will insist he needs to ask me about random things or tell me something about DC. It's just another way to get at me. And to be honest even 5 minutes with my ex these days leaves me with a bad feeling, I'd rather not see him at all. Or do I suck up this fake and painful chit-chat for sake of DC?

Please tell me how you do handovers and tips for disengaging from ex.

[parent999]

I really struggled to disengage from the ex, she was pretty acid and I knew something was wrong when court proceedings started she would have a witness come out and stand there watching. I had to protect myself so just stopped talking altogether and text anything that needed to be said before or after swap over.
Ive found over the years its about precedent, its not easy to change the routine handover without backlash but when its done a few times it becomes norm. So go through the pain and change it to what you feel is best now. It should calm down eventually.
So my advice is swap over at the car, turn on your heels and go. Now and then my ex will be in a good mood and say something but it never lasts so I generally just concentrate on child and saying goodbye/hello.
This way also protects me from false accusations.

[eve34]

It depends on the age of the children and where drop off can be facilitated.

Mine are dropped off and sent out to the car. But ex pulls up to the kerb outside and I can see them off and wave

I have been hospitable over the past two years but it gets thrown in my face. So I no longer want him in the house. I am happy to do hand over on the door step. I have the kids ready shoes on and coats at door and keep it locked until they are ready to step out the door. I don't doubt it isn't right for the children but hopefully in time it will improve. Right now I am not being take. Advantage of any further.

[Nat6999]

When ds was small we did pickups & drop offs in a supermarket car park, we both arrived & ds just swapped cars until hostilities had cooled down.

[peonyfairy03]

Our handovers in the holiday is I always drop off children get out car and go in to their dads I then have to go and pick up usually I am kept waiting until the exact time not a minute sooner. I stay in the car and he hides behind door or I get the full gang ExH, OW new baby and her daughter even had her mother and father at the door once when I picked up.

All communication is done via email or he now texts children not ideal but OW won’t let him go anywhere unless she is there also which means if he was to drop off or collect the whole gang would be there.

[fluffygown]

Ive found over the years its about precedent, its not easy to change the routine handover without backlash but when its done a few times it becomes norm.

Very true @parent999 I always forget this! Feel like a lot of effort in the beginning but kids soon become used to it.

Good for you @eve34 If you have a horrible ex why should he come inside?

@peonyfairy03 Oh gosh, sounds awful!

Problem is my ex lives a few roads down so we meet in cafe which is on the way but maybe it's better to do a quick door to door exchange.