Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

What do i say to this?

40 replies

fairyfly · 17/09/2004 10:27

I am tired of the converstaions i have with my x when he chooses to ring. It happens out of the blue and basically he still has the power to break me with his words. I said if he wasn't going to start being consistent he should leave us alone. He went into a barrage of he would see them but how can he help when i don't help myself. I don't know what he is talking about he is far too clever with his manipulation. I ended up crying after being made to feel like everything was always my fault. Then the line he says which gets me everytime is..if you can't cope and manage on your own then my girlfriend and i will have them. I said no thanks, his answer is well shut the f up then and stop moaning, you are doing it because you want to.
My life is fine until i get all this, how do i handle what he says, without him breaking me down again and why the hell can he still.

OP posts:
Twinkie · 17/09/2004 10:33

FF he can because you let him honey.

PLease please go to see s solicitor and get some sound advice about when he can see the kids and get it written in stone - this will give you time to do your own thing and hopefully give you a life that means you won't be effectd by him.
Everything is not your fault either and he can't even be arsesd to see hsi kids regularly do you really think he is going to want to take them on with his new girlfriend??

IOpresume that you have been tot the CSA and he is paying for his childrens keep too - if not that is also something you can start.

Angeliz · 17/09/2004 10:35

fairyfly, do you HAVE to have longer than neccessary conversations with him??
I understand you both have to still talk because of the kids but he sounds like he know exactly what buttons to press and upset you
My mam has the ability to do this to me, one little comment and i start questioning my parenting skills. (happenend very recently!)
I 'm not in your situation but with my mam i try and not give her the opportunity to upset me by not going into anything too sensitive!

Angeliz · 17/09/2004 10:36

BTW, not that it's relevant but wanted to say i have a good relationship with my mam (came across wrong there) .
Fairyfly i hope you get some good advice+

Original poster
fairyfly · 17/09/2004 10:45

I don't know actually whats wrong with me, he just has his girlfriend in the background and they both make me feel like a complete idiot. I am supposed to be acting in a professional manner and i don't, i loose it. He has agreed to start seeing them again, i am going to get it written up by my solicitor. He wont stick to it, he will ring in a couple of weeks and deflate me. I am crying like i did when he first left. All i expect of him is you are doing really well, he just explains to me how bad i am.
As for csa they won't touch him as he is a student.

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 17/09/2004 10:45

FF - I used to have exactly the same thing with UH and in the end I sorted it out by finding something else to do every time he rang so that I wasn't concentrating on what he said, like filing my nails, flicking through a magazine etc and I made a rule with myself to only reply to what absolutely couldn't go without an answer, ie what time to come over etc etc and to everything else I made myself reply "I'm not prepared to discuss that with you right now" - even if it was "well, why not?" or "when will you discuss it". It led to a few stilted and ridiculous conversations at first but it helped my state of mind no end and quite quickly he stopped ringing because there was nothing essential to talk about and he realised he cou;dn't get anything out of me.

anorak · 17/09/2004 10:47

fairyfly you should definitely get a formal contact agreement and go to CSA for money. Then there won't be anything to discuss. His times for seeing the boys will all be set out by court order and his payments will be decided by the CSA.

At that stage you don't have to discuss anything with him unless you feel you want to confer about the boys over some issues. In that case if he can't be civil, simply say, please call back when you are feeling calmer and less abusive, and put the phone down.

A**ehole!

mummytosteven · 17/09/2004 10:47

agree with Twinkie - go legal, and crack down on access - he has set times, and if he doesn't stick to them, he doesn't see the kids. I would also avoid phone conversations with him - either arrange things via solicitors or by e-mail. So [angry} that he is playing mind games with you. Otherwise I would say you somehow need to defuse the panic that his phone calls induce in you - maybe visualisation techniques - imagining yourself on a lovely sunny beach and letting his words float over you (I know far far harder in reality), or the cracked record approach - have a prepared response when he comes out with inappropriate comments (i.e. anything emotional that is undermining you) such as - I don't wish to discuss this with you, or can we just stick to practical arrangements.

anorak · 17/09/2004 10:50

posts crossed.

I love wobblyknick's idea. It's about getting your mind on a higher plateau, away from gutter scum...

Just tell him he will be hearing from your solicitor regarding contact and put the phone down.

He better make sure he remains a student until ds2 is 18 then cos the instant he starts working you can have him!

mummytosteven · 17/09/2004 10:51

FF - also hard as it will, you have to try and disregard his opinion of you, and not want to obtain his approval- he sounds like a controlling man, quite a manipulative abusive man - he has a vested interest, if you like, in thinking of himself as sorted/wonderful life with girlfriend, and pigeon holing you as vindictive/can't cope ex. Unfortunately some people in one's life- if you are unlucky parents and/or partners have their own agenda which benefits by crushing one's self-esteem - so you will never be able to get their 100% aproval even if you were a cross between Mother Theresa, Louis Pasteur and Elle McPherson - and just end up destroying oneself by trying to obtain approval that will never be forthcoming.

anorak · 17/09/2004 10:52

How true M2S

Original poster
fairyfly · 17/09/2004 10:57

We have had mediation, the works, solicitors letters, arrangements, he dissapears, then i get these phonecalls. I am really bloody dissapointed in myself, i obviously still love him, if i feel ill when i hear her and if he can still get me in this mess. Thought i was passed it, nobody in the world has this effect on me, i never shout at anyone wail.
I am calming down a bit now, my head goes cloudy and everything goes out of perspective. Jealousy is an evil sod.

OP posts:
aloha · 17/09/2004 10:57

If he is criticising you, say, "I'm not prepared to listen to this" or as Wobblyknicks says, "I'm not prepared to discuss this" and put the phone down. He can only criticise you because you are sat there listening. It won't be nearly as much fun if you simply put the phone down and walk away. PLEASE don't expect anything from him. He isn't going to tell you how well you are doing, and hoping and expecting him to is just making you feel sad and disappointed. You KNOW you are doing well. MNetters know how well you are doing. Your KIDS know how well you are doing. You don't need his validation - he's an arse, and who cares what arses think, eh? He's clearly loves putting you down to make himself feel big - classic bullying. Don't let him. If he's such a tiny little man that he needs to belittle the mother of his children to feel good, what does that say about him eh? And yeah, sure, he and his girlfriend will have your kids...when he can't even be bothered to see them. I agree, sort out contact times and reduce your communication to an absolute minimum. If he can't be civil then use text or email to deal with the basics about the kids. You don't need to talk to him about anything else.

aloha · 17/09/2004 11:00

It's not love, FF, I feel a bit sick and upset when I hear dh's ex barking at me down the phone - I certainly don't love her! It's stress and that produces adrenaline which feels like love sometimes - not good love but the upsetting, nervous bit.

sykes · 17/09/2004 11:04

FF, it's a heap of emotions all mixed up. And of course you still have feelings for him - you spent years with him and have his children. Just don't feel disappointed in yourself as you have NOTHING to be disappointed in yourself about and a massive amount of things to be proud about. Anyway - have you sh*ed your course tutor yet? That should help.

Original poster
fairyfly · 17/09/2004 11:10

No he didn't like the way i was cutting out letters from a newspaper with leather gloves on

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 17/09/2004 11:13

It's a natural emotion to feel bad when someone criticizes you, whoever they are. Just show him that you refuse to talk about it or defend yourself and he WILL get bored. He'll probably know that it is still hurting you, am sure my UH did, but thats not enough - he needs a 'return' from you to make it worth his while. If you don't give him anything back apart from "I refuse to talk about this" or whatever, there will be no point him doing it - he'll get no satisfaction.

wobblyknicks · 17/09/2004 11:14

And I meant refuse to defend yourself there - if you don't defend yourself against what he says he may feel like he's right but trust me it will be a VERY hollow victory for him and he'll quickly get sick of it. It's no fun making someone feel bad if they won't snap, every bully knows that.

libb · 17/09/2004 11:15

Oh FF - I know we don't chat often so I hope you don't mind me commenting too. You are coping and you are managing on your own, you are doing it all the time, every day, every night.

He needs to get a sense of responsibility - not just wander into your life whenever he sees fit. Get strict guidelines down for visits, answer all questions relating to the kids and block out everything else he says.

If he needs his new girlfriend to help back him up on the phone then you must be pretty formidable and a force to be reckoned with - channel that strength into giving him the proverbial two fingers! You are a lovely person and very amazing.

CountessDracula · 17/09/2004 11:16

FF he sounds like a cruel and uncaring man. Can you not just talk to him about things concerting the kids and if he starts on his manipulation, say "oh there's someone at the door, bye" and hang up quickly. He will soon get the message

sykes · 17/09/2004 11:17

If it is at all possible to reduce contact with him do - easier said than done, I know. And remember, he does wear white shoes and very silly badges.

mummytosteven · 17/09/2004 11:20

agree with WK - if you start trying to defend yourself it gives what he says a spurious legitimacy - whereas he is a nasty piece of work who should keep his unpleasant thoughts to himself. The problem isn't whether or not he has a high opinion of you - the problem is that he should have his mouth washed out with soap and water and not say such unpleasant things. He has no right to say anything like this, or take the moral high ground the way he has treated you.

Original poster
fairyfly · 17/09/2004 11:26

Now my red cloud has lifted i realise what utter shite he spoke. He twists everything until i am so confused i scream. He said i was only angry because i had to shop at Netto and not Marks and Spencers for food,( he does have a slight point) thanks all, and libb you can talk to me whenever you want.
Solicitor has been rang, really need to try and help the csa by getting some info on him, but can't unless i look round where he lives. Now i am just angry again but i swear to god if she talks to me one more time i will strangle her.

OP posts:
libb · 17/09/2004 11:29

Why does she talk to you at all? it is none of her business surely? . . . the silly old trout.

ladywallopofcod · 17/09/2004 11:29

get caller id

wobblyknicks · 17/09/2004 11:31

I know its hard but try and take it all in your stride. If you can give the csa more help do it, if not, let it go. And the Netto/M&S thing - its still food, it still nourishes you and your littlies and once its eaten who gives a damn? Even if you could food shop at Harrods every week , what difference would it really make - unless you stapled the empty wrappers onto your clothes to show you buy Harrods food!!