I hate contact, it's such a pita

[disneyspendingmoney]

You would think contact is about the DC's having a good time with their estranged parent. I mostly guess they do, my ex's favourite gets all the attention and they both get filled with sugar and bought tat. But the rest of it is such a pain.

If I don't have the DC's all neat and sparkly, ex moans, complains about my parenting, It's not as though the fucker pays any maintenance (wait till hrnrc and CMS catch up with you, you fuckwit, especially over the benefit fraud).

The DC's come back from the contact complaining that all ex does is moan about shit, school, food, clothes, hair even my ability to walk the bastards dogs that I'm saddled with.

It's only 3 hours a week, find something better to do with them other than pick at stuff. my ex caused this all but is in serious denial about this, the dick reckoned that she could manipulate me into giving more contact than what children's protection, cafcass and the court said Even thought that she could manipulate me into giving up primary carer after the final orders from court.

I am fucked off, because the manipulative arsehole tells everyone that it's all my fault and I'm denying access (you should see the shit I get from the in-laws and the snark from people) and forgets to mention the arrests, the at risk register that she caused them to be put on and that four separate agencies, from the police, children's protection, to cafcass, to addiction services that advised the court.

I'm pissed off.

You job is to counteract it not added to it. And by your tone and what you have said your not doing that and are partly to blame. I don't care if the rp is male or female it's your responsibility to distance and distract your dc from this.
Communication. When my exh acts up I don't join in I talk to my dc. Your acting as if it's a war field.
I understand Op your stress and angry but all that will end up happening is some hurt mixed up adult dc. I know my parents always fought.

@Bandara 'if you have dc you wont...' well have some first then join in to the discussion on parenting.

Shit this is some drama and I'm confused you male or female OP?

itsrainingagain19

I'm not being factitious here, but can you give me some guidance in how to counteract the toxic behaviour and blatant lies that my ex us coming out with.

I told my ex not to do this as it's detrimental for the children. The fallout is is that DD is angry at me.

I talked to dd and explained, she does understand the situation but to have them coming home worked up unnecessarily, is not right.

How can it be stopped? NC isn't an option. I regret yesterday because my ex followed up with emotional manipulation and blackmail to dd - which makes things worse. Trying to work through toxic parenting with a toxic parent who isn't going to change is really difficult.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

@HotChocolateLover of course a child needs both parents. I ask you the question - would you rather have one parent, or would you rather have two? What is your answer? They are fundamental relationships to a child's life.

@Bisset I think that your post is complete and utter nonsense. EVERY study everywhere shows that a child benefits greatly from having both parents. If the parent does not want to be involved , that cannot be helped. If the parent does want to be involved - no one has the right to take that away from them.

@Bandara I do not feel that your approach is aiding this thread at all. Blanket statements such as "every study everywhere" with no references is not helpful, taking single parents to task who deal with difficult, abusive and unstable ex partners, is not helpful. Refuting their real world experiences with "common knowledge" and hearsay is not helpful.

You've made your point and shown what your belief is, thank you for your input, but I feel it's better directed elsewhere.

@Bandara OK. In an ideal world two would be great, however, I think you have already stated that you don’t yet have kids so don’t know the realities yet. From a personal perspective, my father was a dope smoking loser who couldn’t be bothered with me or my sister. In fact, he was so not bothered that when I went into status epilepticus (9 seizures) he couldn’t even be bothered to come and see how I was. Yet my sister left her two babies in the middle of the night (with her husband) to see me. As for DS dad. He beat me up, financially and emotionally abused me.

The answer is, NO. Children do not always need both parents in their lives. My son has a loving step father, grandma, auntie, uncle and other relatives. That’s enough.

@Bandara are you thick? Of course people know two parents are better than one but having an abuse parent leads to a damage child or adult.

Plenty of people the world over are surviving with only one parent @Bandara. What is it you think they "need" two for? Why are you asking people what hey would prefer? Preferring to have two is not the same as needing them.

I'd prefer lots of things in life, but it is not to my detriment not to have them.

There is a big difference between the two stances of 'it benefits a child to have both parents around if they are civil and able to co-parent successfully' and ' children need both parents despite one being emotionally and/or physically abusive'. There are many people who have grown up with one or no parents for whatever reason who live absolutely fine and successful lives and go on to have their own positive families and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Bandaranaike has his/ her own agenda that has nothing to do with this thread. I gave 2 situations where it wasn’t in best interests they moved onto the next person.

@disneyspendingmoney
I think it’s about minimising the damage. Almost try and tell the kids not to take what she says seriously. Ask if they are happy at school . Assuming they are then , we’ll so we know it’s fine .

If talking to her makes it worse then don’t.

I also think it’s important with some lies to say well we know that’s not true , roll eyes or laugh and move on rather than having to pick through and discuss everything.

I don’t know there ages but if appropriate teach them some phrases they can say like can we not talk about that , teach them about changing the subject , whatever may be appropriate to help them through.

I absolutely feel your frustration . If I only had 3 hours a week I would spend it having fun and trying to catch up on what I have missed but realising they are not how most people parent is actually quite sad.

@Starlight456

Thank you for your advice I see what you are saying. It would be easier if the dds weren't tense and wound up coming home. I've tried distraction techniques in the past that have worked, such as, as soon as the get home rush them out for cake, but that's not right or sustainable either.

Ultimately, it's a two way street and I realise that I have to find ways to rise above this. I had a talk with DD and she's feeling better - we've come to a "don't ask don't tell" agreement as discussing things does no one any good, especially the dds.

Would a run round the park help ? At least help them burn off some of the sugar rush too

@Bandara

I think that your post is complete and utter nonsense. EVERY study everywhere shows that a child benefits greatly from having both parents. If the parent does not want to be involved , that cannot be helped. If the parent does want to be involved - no one has the right to take that away from them.

Every study may show, at a macro leve, that a child benefits from having both parents.

But you didn’t say that.

You said ‘A child always needs both parents’

Without the later qualification you added about ‘if the parent wants to be involved’

That is utter rubbish.... and dangerous rubbish at that.

Oh... and I don’t agree if the NRP wants to be involved it’s always the right thing either.

@BobTheDuvet that was absolutely awesome advice, you and @Starlight456 have been fantastic. Thank you both very much.

I'm going to see if I can get Starlights advice to work about the park or maybe a swimming pool. Something where they can work it off and out

I have to admit I realise that my ex is trying to goad me and I got caught. I the trap. And No , u e been down the anger and mental health bullshit - it's very frustrating

Thanks all

Today the rude fucker has said that she won't pay maintenance because she has to spend sooooo much during the three hours (usually 2½) of contact.

Where's the dental
Where's the school trips
Where's the after school
Where's the shoes, knickers socks bras

Oh FFS.

Really, that's what being a parent boils down to.

Surely what you spend of your own free will on your children is not the responsibility of the other parent.

So this is a case in point of how to be selfish in one simple sentence.

Fuck me, this is straight out of the seperateddads playbook.

And this is one of the miriade reasons the kids are with me (other than social services and the courts).

Well I guess it shows being mean, selfish and idiotic are gender neutral.

I think the worst thing is; playing up to a stereotype, that shouldn't exist.

But there you go.