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Original poster

do you ever wonder what you saw in your dcs dad

30 replies

mojosmum · 24/07/2007 13:53

i cant believe that my dds dad is the same man i fell in love with he is spitful nasty & starting toget verbally agressive he wants it all his way doesnt consider dds feelings & when i bring up her feelings he says im putting these words into her head which make me more upset as if he knew dd he would know she is very strong minded & nobody could make her think or say something she doesnt want to

i so hate this man

OP posts:
zmandaz · 24/07/2007 19:05

ooooooh yes! I hadn't seen ex-h for about a year when I saw him in court and I looked and thought 'why'!

I can't believe I thought he was a decent, kind, honest man when he's the exact opposite of all those things. It does make me worry about my taste in men, definitely!

Original poster
mojosmum · 24/07/2007 19:18

ZAMANDAZ - I agree how could i be so wrong about someone & will i always get it that wrong i keep asking myself that

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sweeties · 25/07/2007 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spidermama · 25/07/2007 16:25

So what happens when you see your ex in your children?
I hope you don't mind my asking. I'm with dh but he's behaved very badly recently and I sometimes wonder how life would be without his. This is one of the things which worries me. Our kids look so like him, how can I not love him?

MascaraOHara · 25/07/2007 16:28

hell yeah. He's ugly as sin as well.. all I can say is that I was at a very low point in my life.

sweeties · 25/07/2007 16:56

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TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 25/07/2007 17:02

I used to feel like that about DD's dad, when he was being vile to me.

But in the last few months, since he's had a child with his new wife, we've started getting on spectacularly well. The original attraction between us was based on making each other laugh, & now we seem able to laugh together & support each other a bit again. It's great.

I do see him in DD, but even when things weren't so good, I'd try to keep thinking about the really positive things that she could inherit from him - humour, charm, and rather fine cheekbones...

sweeties · 25/07/2007 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mojosmum · 25/07/2007 18:01

when i look at my dd she looks the spitting image of her brother her dads son & he is a lovely boy who is sadly suffering from dds dads behavier aswell so i an very happy for her to look like her bro if she did look like her dad that wouldnt be a problem he is only ugly on the inside not the outside if you see what i mean

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pirategirl · 25/07/2007 18:45

i do wonder abotu his behaviour, like was he always so bloody selfish? so negative and boring? Or does that just become his incarnation when he is within spitting distance of ME?

I don't understand the spite, I never will. It drains me and upsets me. I wonder if I will ever getover it, or if it will ever stop bothering me?

To look at he is still lush, but this just doesnt compute anymore, because of his antics.

Rosasmum · 25/07/2007 19:21

All the time, the person that I loved no longer exists, i think he is pathetic. Just wish I could stop feeling so angry about it all.

TwoIfBySea · 25/07/2007 20:57

Is there some sort of switch that flips from the person you meet, fall in love with, dedicate to spend the rest of your life with to the utter s*bag who can walk out on his own children.

Mine did last Friday saying he needed some space. I have just found out that this space may have to do with the financial debt he has put us in without telling me. I am up to my neck in it and although he says he will pay I no longer trust him.

I have been a fool. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. There is an answer for you mojosmum! Oh and my mum wishes to drown him.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 25/07/2007 22:37

Oh dear, poor you, TwoIfBySea

That stinks

& for you

Original poster
mojosmum · 26/07/2007 13:29

twoifbysea - im so sorry

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LWandLottie · 26/07/2007 15:40

Oh god yes! DD is 10 weeks old tommorrow and her dad has made the effort to see her once when she was 3 weeks old. Haven't heard from him since then at all, and when I did see him all I could think was 'eeeewwwww! I slept with you!'

Compared to some ex's he sounds like a saint. He was never violent towards me or anything, but he's a complete shit. Angry at the world for the fact he's a lazy arse type iykwim? Turned really dickish when he came up, shouting at me in the middle of the street, slamming about in MY house etc. He left early.

Now when I think about him, or see him, or even remember the sound of his voice I cringe. Haven't seem him in dd yet, and I'm hoping with me raising her she'll hopefully take after my nature instead of his.

madamez · 26/07/2007 15:45

Well my DS was unplanned and his dad an old drinking buddy of mine rather than a partner. We are very amicable probably because we have not had a bitter breakup since becoming parents, but I think it's possible to get back onto good terms with an XP when you have children- and you really do have to try for civil terms (expcet in cases of violence, rape, etc) for the DCs sake.

Original poster
mojosmum · 26/07/2007 18:33

madamez - it takes 2 to be civil i have tried it but dds dad wont do it he has to have it all his way or not at all

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charliecat · 26/07/2007 18:37

Ive recently spilt up with my dcs dad, I look at him and think Phoar;) but then he opens his mouth and the vileness that comes out of it makes my blood boil.
He didnt used to be like that, but he is now.
I cant change him so Ive left him.

zmandaz · 26/07/2007 19:09

I was showing a family friends some holiday photos and she remarked on how much DD looks like her Father. I was quite upset - don't get me wrong, DD is absolutely gorgeus but I guess I've been in denial that she looks anything like him. But you can see in the photos that she's definitely got his nose and hair colour. Ex-h will never see her and I hope that if I can give her a stable upbringing then she will only take after him in those traits and not his instablilty/aggressiveness.

madamez · 26/07/2007 20:19

Mojosmum - obviously don't know your circumstances but it sounds like you and your DD might benefit from talking to some kind of mediator or counsellor about how to keep the lines of communication open with her dad without fighting. SOmetimes when people break up they get kind of locked into these defensive positions of trying to prove that they are right and the other person is wrong and it needs an outsider to break the deadlock.

Original poster
mojosmum · 27/07/2007 10:12

madamez - i have asked dds dad to go to mediation he has point blank refused & i dont feel councelling on my part for this would be any point as i am more that fair my solicitor says that what i offer him & how flexable i am propered tobe is more than reasonable he just wont commit to it or his daughter the strange thing is he is bringing up a daughter who isnt biologically his [he me her mother when she was 6mnth preg] he is on birth certificate & treats this girl better than he treats my dd, im not saying i want her tobe be treated less than dd but would be nice if they could be treated the same iykwim

OP posts:
madamez · 27/07/2007 22:14

Mojo: so what does he want that you're not prepared to give him? What do you want that he's not prepared to offer? Ok you may not want to answer on an internet thread (and you have every right not to) but it does seem a bit as though you're just so furious with him that you want everyone to agree that he's totally the bad guy and that's really not a good attitude to live with.

Original poster
mojosmum · 27/07/2007 22:36

MADAMEZ - this man told me he was married the day i told him i was pregnant i had no clue maybe thats cos i was i nieve 19yr old but i did the right thing & ending it there & then, he said he wanted to be part of the babys life but has been in & out of her life for the past 6yrs i want him to either commit to regular acess & not at all he is refusing to commit to it do know why but he is yes i am angry what he did to be but thats in the past i just want him to decide if he wants to be a dad or not to my dd but he will not make to decission & yes that makes me vv angry that he is doing this to my dd
does that answer things for you?

OP posts:
madamez · 27/07/2007 22:42

Ok well I see your point. But, grim though it is for you, please try to not to insist that he's either there regularly or not at all, because if you take steps to cut off his access altogether it may turn your DD against you (even though your doing so would be understandable). In time, she'll realise he's unreliable and may decide to cut him off herself, but if you do it she'll blame you for the fact that she doesn't ever see her father, whereas if you can stay calm about it and be there for her it will be easier for her.

JeanieG · 27/07/2007 22:46

Yes, yes, yes. He is a total arse. My DC's are 11 and 9 and have just been told by him that doesn't want to see them again until they change their surname to his. (They have my surname).

What a lovely fella?