Moving schools advice please

[overwhelmedmummy17]

Hi,

I’m mum to three girls aged 10, 7 and 7 months, my oldest two are from my first marriage.

Baby’s dad and I live separately at present and the children and I are in a two-bed flat with no outdoor space while baby’s dad lives in a four bed house he bought a few months ago for us all to move into.

Both my oldest two have changed school twice.

Baby’s dad would like us to move in with him which would mean another school move for my daughters, although it would this time coincide with moving up to secondary and middle schools- just not with friends (again).

I’m likely to come under a lot of fire from their Dad if I move them, I feel very confused about whether I should try to get us all under one roof, their own rooms, big garden etc, or if I should struggle on in the flat o my own so they suffer less disruption short-term.

Any advice would be great- I suffer with anxiety which is leading to me being a bit frantic and woolly headed of late.

Just bumping this thread for you, @overwhelmedmummy17. Hopefully some Mumsnetters will be along soon with some advice and support.

Have you asked your girls what they want to do? That's your first port of call. If they are against a move of schools, would it be possible for them to stay at the same ones but still move house? Give them all the possibilities and talk it through with them.

If the move into the house with your partner would be good for all of you then I'd move. Another school move isn't ideal but in this case look at the long term. They'd be moving schools anyway and they'll make new friends at that age. I speak as someone who moved school often when young due to my father's job.

I think a lot depends on how long you've been together, how well your kids know him, how it will affect contact with their dad.

But why did he buy a house for you all to live in, in a place that means big changes for your kids, and without you being 100% on board?

Our relationship developed very quickly because we knew each other previously, he’s a lot older than me with no children, and I’d recently recovered from cancer. While pregnant, I discovered he has an alcohol problem and tried to fet him help. He’s engaged with help but hasn’t stopped drinking. He’s a high functioning alcoholic- managing to hold down a senior role despite one or two bottles of wine every night to himself.

If he's an alcoholic don't move in. Never mind the kids moving school - the alcohol problem is plenty reason not to live together. Do you really want your kids to live with an alcoholic. Do you really want to be relying on an alcoholic to keep a roof over your heads?

Omg do not move in if he has an alcohol problem. Stay where you are.

Then I'm shocked that you're even considering it. Don't be so foolish.

Do not move your girls in with an alcoholic. Please. Outdoor space and their own rooms are nice to have but not essential at all.

The functioning alcoholic is a no for me. This is likely to be more instability for the children.

Regardless of the school issue, I don't think moving in with him is a good idea. Yes, he may be high functioning now, but it doesn't tend to stay that way unless they stop drinking I'm afraid. The physical health issues alone from that amount of alcohol all the time will start to make themselves known, and that will be on you and your family to deal with.
Can you use this school issue as a stalling point for you all moving in together to your partner?

Did he dangle the big house carrot after you found him out?

Thank you for helping me explore my options- it can be hard to do that when the people you see every day have their own strong views.

I spoke to my children sensitively about it and what came through strongly is they like him as a friend, that they would love their own bedrooms, that they know I will always look out for them, and that they would most love it if we could find somewhere bigger for just the four of us.

I appreciate where the commenter who said I am foolish is coming from- just please bear in mind I have absolutely no support network whatsoever. After school clubs, evening hobbies, everything my children want or need is supported by me alone. Even when I was going through treatment. I think the thought of someone to share some of the load with was really appealing and it’s easy to get lost in the thought of some respite, especially when said alcoholic calls you mentally ill for challenging him.

I’m going to stay put for now- and look at what options are available for my girls and me to move xx

Hats off to you for getting through what you have

Now realise that if you can come through that alone, you can do anything.

He sounds awful. Get rid while your baby knows no different. She deserves better than to be brought up by a drunk father and a mentally abused mother.

As he is in a senior role I hope you are getting at least legal minimum maintenance.

You say that one of the reasons for your reluctance to move is because of your ex, but you also say you have no support network. Does your ex not have his children at all? Do you rent your own flat? are you getting cm from your baby's father? That may go some way towards renting yourself a bigger flat.
Children, above all, need to feel safe and secure wherever they live. Living with an alcoholic is the opposite of safe and secure. Ask anyone who had to live with an alcoholic parent. It doesn't matter how well they appear to function, one day it will all come crashing down.

I don’t have a support network as I grew up in a bad home, got into a bad marriage and found the courage to leave - with the help of a counsellor- because my ex-husband was having an affair but more than that eroded my confidence- what I wore, how I arte, how I cooked, how I drove were all under a microscope . The breakdown of that relationship was hard and in the process a lot of our friends, who were his to begin with, were no longer mine. I moved out of the area because it was a horrible situation, and shortly after that I discovered I had aggressive breast cancer. I had very low self-esteem when I divorced, so much so I didn’t fight for anything. My ex had all the house and assets. He pays maintenance but docks it by £200 ever month to cover fuel as he does the driving- he says I’m not a good enough driver.
I’m absolutely not going to move in with baby’s dad. I’m determined to somehow turn my life around. I provide a stable and loving home life for my children, I adore being a mum so I’m further ahead than I realise. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and I thought baby’s dad was giving me a raft when in fact he’s part of the reason the boat capsized in the first place.

£200 a month seems an enormous amount is this through the cms ? Is he paying the legal minimum ?

It does sound like you have had a tough time but remember we have patterns of behaviour which put us in the same place over and over again