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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Single dad

40 replies

Lad86 · 31/05/2019 17:21

Hi am a single dad to a young boy,he sees his mum few times a week,she is an alcoholic and hasn't got much time left literally days/weeks.....we have been separated for a few years but still feel sad and don't know how to tell me son...is this normal???

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 17:23

How old is he? Presumably old enough to have guessed that something's seriously wrong?

Original poster

Lad86 · 31/05/2019 17:24

He's 7

OP posts:

Moominfan · 31/05/2019 17:30

I think at that age he probably is very aware that his mum is different. I'd tell him honestly that she's not well and give him lots of reassurance that's it's nothing to do with him

Original poster

Lad86 · 31/05/2019 17:36

I have said that its nothing to do with him and she loves him so much etc,its just heartbreaking seeing his little face get upset when he sees her ot talks to me about her

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Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 18:13

It's not something you've got any control over so all you can do is reassure him that you'll always be here for him. And hopefully there are two sets of grandparents to lend support and help the two of you.

endofthelinefinally · 31/05/2019 18:18

So sorry you are coping with this.
Is she in hospital? Or in a hospice? What are the plans for her care?
If palliative care is in place you can ask the nurses or hospice staff about support and counselling for children in this situation.
I am sure there are other support organisations that will help to prepare your son. If you ring your local hospice they will be able to give you some contacts.
Are you making a memory box for him?

Original poster

Lad86 · 31/05/2019 18:42

Yes memory box is in place,grandparents are great on my side and has never met them on her side,she was in hospital but has discharged herself as she claims she wants to die at home and not in hospital.thank you very much for everybody's help
Its tough working full time and having to sort childcare out etc...hopefully will try and get a few nights away when the worse happens

OP posts:

Original poster

Lad86 · 31/05/2019 18:53

Am not the eldest of people as am 30 so never been through anything like this,although I have had full custody for a few years it still don't prepared me for the worst as I blame myself for not doing more and hope my son doesn't blame me when he's older

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QueenofPain · 31/05/2019 19:00

You can’t blame yourself, you can’t fix anyone who doesn’t want to be fixed. You are doing the absolute best that you can do in this situation, please don’t beat yourself up, it’s counter productive.

Nobody with an addiction can start working towards getting better until they hit rock bottom and want to get better more than they want to stay in the pits of despair. Sometimes the consequences of their addiction beat them to rock bottom and they never get a good chance at recovery.

Singlenotsingle · 31/05/2019 22:40

They also hide it very well, so you don't know the full extent until it's too late.

SpideyMom · 01/06/2019 15:52

I just want to say you sound like a fantastic man and dad @Lad86. Your son will be very proud to call you his Dad.

Unfortunately you couldn't have done anything. Addiction is a terrible thing but you are not responsible for someone else's choices. And this is very important to teach your son. I am a single mom to a 4 year old. His dad is not in his life by his own choice. I already talk to my son about accountability and being responsible for our own actions and make sure he knows he is not responsible for his dad's choices.

I wish you all the very best for your future, and sympathies for the sad time ahead.

Original poster

Lad86 · 01/06/2019 23:40

I don't know how to feel,I was with her today on her dying death bed and was crying so much,but now I feel that she's selfish or is that me being horrible and looking for an excuse,I took her to the docs many times,took her too her a.a meetings and hospital,but in end I had enough after years of ae physical and mental abuse .... but still feel guilty even righting this....me head is all.over the place

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SpideyMom · 02/06/2019 13:27

But there is only so much you can you. You can't make someone do anything they aren't willing to.

Your emotions are to be expected. She is the mother of your child. You have a history and even when she passes you will always be connected by your son.

It is incredibly sad, but she is responsible for what has happened to her. Addiction is terrible but ultimately they have to be the one to get themselves better. Sadly in this case its beat her. But please don't hold yourself responsible. It must have been heartbreaking for you having to watch her continue down that path. Sometimes we have to 'give up' and put ourselves first.

I hope you and your son will be OK. Time will heal but none of this is either of your faults.

Original poster

Lad86 · 09/06/2019 08:47

Thank you for everyone's words,sadly the worse has happened and she is no longer with us :(

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weleasewoderick22 · 09/06/2019 09:02

I'm sorry to hear that op. How're you and your son doing?
Nothing to add except good luck for the future

MrsMozartMkII · 09/06/2019 09:05

I'm so sorry lad.

I hope she finds her peace now.

As others have said, it's not your fault. People are ultimately responsible for themselves.

SpideyMom · 09/06/2019 09:17

Sorry to hear this. Sending lots of love and thoughts to you and your son during this time.
I hope she is now at peace

Original poster

Lad86 · 09/06/2019 09:47

She was very peaceful in the end,but was so so hard watching her take her last breath

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AuntMarch · 09/06/2019 10:15

I'm sorry to hear you and your son are going through this.
There are a variety of charities that offer support and guidance for bereaved children (and how to support them), including some regional ones - a quick Google of "child bereavement charities" brings up a few sites that might be helpful to you. Don't feel like you have to find your way through this on your own.

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 14:39

I am so sorry @Lad86 It speaks volumes about you that you were with her at the end, despite everything you must have gone through.

Use this site. People on here care and will listen and support you for as long as you need.

Wishing you and your little boy all the love in the world. Take care x

MrsMozartMkII · 11/06/2019 08:02

How are you and your little boy today?

Original poster

Lad86 · 11/06/2019 09:12

He doesn't understand and wants to ring her and go and take her out for tea,I feel so lost and numb,me brain just wont function properly

The funeral is next week so that will be an extremely sad day.but I have to go back to work this afternoon so will see how I get on

OP posts:

stucknoue · 11/06/2019 09:17

contact your local child bereavement charity but also alcohol support orgs who may have very specific support. Take care of yourself as well as him. It may be months before he is ready to talk, and issues can return years later but you can support him.

MrsMozartMkII · 11/06/2019 09:19

Definitely contact the child bereavement groups, but contact someone who can help you through this as well.

Starlight456 · 11/06/2019 12:15

So sorry you are both going through this .

There is a children’s bereavement charity . Winstons wish which has been really helpful to some on here.

Remember both of you are grieving and whatever you feel is ok.

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