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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Contact when child is poorly

37 replies

Sausageroll123 · 21/05/2019 10:16

Hi! What's everyone's views on contact with Dad when your child is poorly? I don't mean really ill, just a mild case of upset stomach, otherwise well in themselves.

My 5 year old daughter was due to spend last weekend at her Dads, she was just starting to get over an upset stomach, he picked her up, then within 2 hours had dropped her back due to not wanting her near his heavily pregnant wife in case she caught anything.

Floods of tears all evening when back home, asking why Daddy didn't want her to stay over.

I was wondering what other people do in situations like these? He would have her when ill before his wife was pregnant. Unfortunately daughter is ill quite a bit due to a low immune system following a bad illness last year x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Summerorjustmaybe · 21/05/2019 10:18

His dw was being bloody precious! Be prepared for much of the same once her pfb arrives.
Maybe agree with ex that she stays with you when she is ill. More time for you ime!!
Better than feeling unwanted by a crappy df..

Original poster

Sausageroll123 · 21/05/2019 10:23

Hi, I was more than happy to have her back! I just felt so bloody sorry for her! Have already been 'warned' by the ex that daughter may have to come back to me when she's with him at any point over the next month as wife could go into labour. Interesting to know what other people would do x

OP posts:

MummyParanoia101 · 21/05/2019 10:25

Well obviously she'll have to come back to you when/if his wife is in Labour........🤦🏼‍♀️

Original poster

Sausageroll123 · 21/05/2019 10:28

Yes of course she will have to come back to me when she's in labour! I was meaning that the ex has told me that I'm not to make any plans (that requires him to have dd) in the whole of the next month due to having the new baby arrive, on top of not wanting her to have her if she's ill = hardly any time with Daddy!

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/05/2019 10:30

In my head I’ve always thought dad shouldn’t get to opt out of parenting when the Dc is sick, it’s part and parcel of parenting. But in reality when my DC were sick they just wanted to stay at home in bed or on the sofa under a duvet. They didn’t want to have to go to dads. Although to be honest, their dad wasn’t the most tuned in parent and would have expected them to carry on with whatever he had planned, dragging them out in the car, or dumping them at his mums. They weren’t interested in that when they were sick.

Motherof3feminists · 21/05/2019 10:30

Funny how some dad's don't want contact if the child is ill. Mine took me to court for contact and breaching the court order when they were too ill to go yet refused to have them when they were vomiting. Some parents just seem to opt out of its not the nicer bits of parenting. His wife possibly doesn't yet understand that you don't get to opt out. She'll find out with her own soon enough though. FWIW I wouldn't be sending a child with a stomach bug anywhere. Social services told me I shouldn't send them if vomiting or diarrhoea or unwell enough to be in bed. ExH disagrees unless they are likely to puke on him or his precious car How I laughed when dd2 did vomit all over his brand new BMW. She got ill when there, I didn't send her ill. Obviously not laughing that she was ill, just that the abusive bastard had his precious car vom-bombed.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/05/2019 10:31

Well obviously she'll have to come back to you when/if his wife is in Labour.

No, not obviously. He could send DD to his parents/siblings/close friend. It isn’t a given that mum has to do the childcare when his wife is in labour.

Original poster

Sausageroll123 · 21/05/2019 10:33

He has a large family that could help out, and sometimes they do, but his first port of call normally is to send her back to me.

I would never send her to her Dad's if she was really poorly, or needing to stay in bed, or not wanting to go. Last weekend she was absolutely fine in herself, other than having a bit of an upset stomach once or twice a day. I'd had her with me earlier in the week when she had the proper runs! x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausageroll123 · 21/05/2019 10:35

Oh - his wife already has a child (who temporarily lives with the wife's parents) x

OP posts:

Amy326 · 21/05/2019 10:36

It’s a bit annoying and totally get why you’re upset for your dd but I can kind of see the wife’s point as well - would you want to catch a stomach bug while heavily pregnant? I wouldn’t! Apart from the fact it would be awful it can cause you to go into premature labour (not sure how many weeks she is but if say 35-38 weeks I would be nervous about labour at that point and wouldn’t want to catch a bug that may induce it). Not really relevant that he’s asked you to be available to take her back in the next few weeks if his wife goes into labour, that’s just to be expected surely, what else can he do? I wouldn’t make an issue of any of it if you usually get on ok, I think it’s just one of those things. It would have been better though if he’d never collected her in the first place if it was a problem, unless you didn’t tell him she was unwell until he came for her?

Bookaholic73 · 21/05/2019 10:36

Honestly, with a heavily pregnant wife, I think he did the right thing.
Maybe he could have taken his child out for the day instead, away from his wife though?

Windygate · 21/05/2019 10:38

Basically the RP gets all the drudge work including illness whilst the NRP cherry picks what parenting they are prepared to do.

Kanga83 · 21/05/2019 10:40

Tell him to man up or suffer the consequences when your dd grows up. I grew up with a flakey dad who put his wife and then subsequent son first. I was second- if his wife didn't want me there I wasn't there. I told him where to go at the age of 20 and no contact in 16 years.

If your ex has a second child with his wife what on earth does he think will happen when she's pregnant again and his other child falls ill? Will they all be banished to protect queen bee? My daughter is also immunity compromised for various reasons, but if she was well enough to go to see her dad and he took her I would be livid if she was brought back early to suit the missus, who could have excused herself to her bedroom or he could have taken your dd out for some one on one bonding time . Sounds like a queen bee calling the shots and a man who needs to find his balls and be a dad.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/05/2019 10:41

what else can he do?

What do other people do with their children when they go into labour?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/05/2019 10:42

Maybe he could have taken his child out for the day instead, away from his wife though?

The child is ill. Maybe the wife could have gone out for the day.

Bookaholic73 · 21/05/2019 10:43

The wife is heavily pregnant, and the OP said the child wasn’t very poor;y, just an upset stomach a few times that day.
Makes more sense for the pregnant lady to stay home!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/05/2019 10:47

A child with an upset stomach a few times in the day needs to be at home near the toilet, not out and about so a well adult woman can sit at home. Why can’t adult woman sit in a friend’s or family members house? Or coffee shop? Library? Visit her child?

Minty · 21/05/2019 10:48

My exP did this and the kids hated it. They weren't allowed to see the baby or their dad for a week after the birth and then couldn't stay with him if they had a cough or cold in case the baby got ill. Lots of antibacterial hand gel all round.
Tbf this is a phase and will stop being a problem once the baby is bigger but it is a massive pita at the time and difficult for children caught up in it.

MustardScreams · 21/05/2019 10:48

What about heavily pregnant resident parents with children that catch stomach bugs? Ffs I’m sick of part-time dads getting to pick and choose when they parent with crap excuses. Good hygiene and they would have been fine.

Dd’s dad is like this. I’ve given up trying to get him to see her more, even though it breaks my heart because she misses him so much during the week.

There isn’t much you can do op. Just be parent enough for both of you and your dd will see through him eventually. Which is awful and should never happen, but men like that don’t change. I feel there’ll be plenty more excuses in the future with a new baby around.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/05/2019 10:48

Fucking hell, people would really send an ill child out of the house so a woman didn’t have to be inconvenienced by her presence.

Original poster

Sausageroll123 · 21/05/2019 10:52

He's normally a great Dad, which is why I'm surprised things like this are now starting to crop up. I'd have my daughter all the time if I could, but love the fact she has a great relationship with her Dad. Which is why it was so awful seeing her crying because she couldn't understand why Daddy didn't want her. I guess I'll have to expect it to happen once baby arrives too, like a previous poster has said...

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 21/05/2019 12:59

I wouldn’t send my child either it’s part of co parenting . My worry would be how will this be when baby is born. I wouldn’t want my baby near someone with a tummy bug either

megletthesecond · 21/05/2019 13:01

I think it's totally up to the child and where they are comfortable being ill. I wouldn't want to budge with an upset stomach.

sue51 · 21/05/2019 13:08

Its not right that your ex treats her like a visit in his home. She obviously wanted to be with her dad at the weekend and the fact his wife is pregnant is neither here nor there. Parents don't get to cherry pick the good bits.

SkintAsASkintThing · 21/05/2019 13:08

Usually I'd think he was being ridiculous but I'll make allowances for the heavily pregnant wife.......a tummy bug whilst in labour and firing from all exits would be my worst nitemare.

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