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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Single Dad trying to learn the ropes.

27 replies

Dan250 · 02/03/2019 06:20

Hello,
My wife walked out on my son (6 years old) and I and wondering if anyone would offer me any advice? She has moved to Scotland and has confirmed that she does not want our son as she's starting a new life, but does want to see him if and when she can get down. My son's not taking it great and it's heart breaking, but I'm not on here to mud sling at her.

My problem is that all of my family live in the south of England while I live in the north and work full time. Could anyone point me in the direction of what full time working parents do for before / after school to cover childcare? I have no idea where to even start looking!
My other option would be to sell our lovely house and buy a small apartment in the South to be near my parents, as that is all we'll be able to afford down there. As of now, she says she doesn't want any money through the divorce, but I think that might change when the honeymoon period wears off in here new relationship and reality sets in.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, to say the least, this is keeping me up at night!

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 02/03/2019 06:27

My ex lives too far away to have regular contact. My DS goes to visit in school holidays. You could do the same - fly or drive him up and get her to do the return.
I used to try to get him to Skype him several times a week but he didn't particularly enjoy it so now I let him set the pace and they talk to each other less, but I don't stress about it.
In terms of childcare - we get jobs that fit with it! If you currently work shifts or very long days you'll have to change your job. Some school have breakfast clubs and there are always childminders if they don't have an after school club but they won't usually work past 6.

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 02/03/2019 06:28

Really sorry to hear that. What a terrible attitude towards your DC from your ex!!

You need to look at before and after school clubs or a childminder for childcare. Ask around at school for info.

Are you friends w any other parents? We do mutual favours w friends as nobody really has family here. Its so helpful when you just need to pop to an appointment for an hour or whatever. Are you close to your ex’s family? Would they want to offer support?

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 06:29

Could you call the school and ask for advice on where other parents use for breakfast club and after school care?

When dd was young there was an after-school club that collected them from school in a mini-bus. They were open until 6pm.

What hours are you going to need care during? If you don't get home until 7 in the evening for example, your best bet would be a childminder. So you would drop ds off in the mornings, they bring child to school, collect from school etc.

There should be childcare tax credits too to help with the financial side.
Is your workplace flexible? Would you have the option of adjusting hours to fit around childcare?

AlwaysColdHands · 02/03/2019 06:29

I would chat to school (receptionist?) in first instance. If there isn’t a before and after school club on site then they might be able to recommend another one nearby (some schools do a walking bus type supervised transition school to another club down the road).

Or, they might know of a childminder who does before/after school hours.

Honestly, ask to speak to someone at school in confidence, I’m sure they will be able to offer advice. Many also have specialist support workers/ counsellors/ therapists who routinely come into schools to work with children experiencing difficulties & it sounds like your son would benefit from being able to talk to someone about what has happened.

Best of luck to you

DonnaDarko · 02/03/2019 06:29

My son isn't in nursery yet, but when I was a kid, my mum was a childminder and regularly did before /after school care.

Your local government might have a list of registered childminders online.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 06:32

Also, it may be a very obvious one, but I would make sure to have a chat with dc's teacher so that they are informed of the situation (fully!). Don't be embarrassed about the situation, they'll have heard it all before and it will be treated with strict confidence. But they need to know, as it can have a huge impact on dc's behaviour at school.

Hadalifeonce · 02/03/2019 06:32

Huge sympathy for your situation. Lots of school offer before and after school clubs. Parents often use childminders if they work full time, they can be more flexible sometimes.
I assume your son is already established in school? Have you spoken to the school about your situation? You might find they can be very supportive.

It must be really tough, good luck,

MrsBartlettforthewin · 02/03/2019 06:34

In the short term could any of your relatives come and stay well you get sorted? My childminder does before school from. 7:45 and after school until 7pm. Not all do but they are out there. Or could you look at working compressed hours? Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 06:35

And some may disagree with this, but just in case the other kids get wind of the word and pick on him about it, you can prep him with a simple answer such as 'yes, Mummy had to move to Scotland for a new job'. Lots of parents are absentee, lots work away.
Mercifully, my dd is now in a school with a lot of parents working internationally etc., so her circumstances are not unusual (I work away).

C0untDucku1a · 02/03/2019 06:41

If moving back down south gives you an extended family, cousins and grandparents, id do that. But it really depends how involved your family would be whether it would be worth uprooting him.

Have you spoken to your family?

endofthelinefinally · 02/03/2019 06:42

Don't move your home or job. Your son needs stablity and you need to keep your job.
You have had great advice regarding childminders and after school clubs. Things will get easier. You are the resident parent. You are entitled to stay in the family home.
Talk to your son's teacher asap.

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 06:43

And don't panic. Hundreds of thousands of people are working single parents. It can take a bit of getting used to, but it is doable.

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 06:46

And, if your now ex is working, you may be entitled to maintenance from her, as you are the resident parent.

Decormad38 · 02/03/2019 06:48

Try to also make some friends with other mums and dads at school gates, events etc they can often be a lifeline to easing the pressures for example sleep overs or odd pick ups. They will also be with you all the way through school so worth knowing especially when you forget when parents eve are etc.

GailTheFish · 02/03/2019 06:53

For childcare options there may be a local parents Facebook group which might be a good source of info. You can also find out anoiyt registered child minders local to you if you go onto the OFSTED website and search by postcode.

More generally, it is worth checking you are claiming the benefits you are entitled to now you are a one parent household - child benefit and child tax credit etc. Gingerbread (an organisation for single parent families) might be a good point of support and could connect you with other families in your area.

ivykaty44 · 02/03/2019 07:00

If you haven’t already contact council tax to inform them you’re now living solo in the house, without another adult you’ll get a reduction of 25%

Use the entitled2 calculator to see if you qualify for any benefit help, do this and add in childcare cost as you may get help with that cost

Lwmommy · 02/03/2019 07:12

If you have a spare room and the money then an au pair might be a solution for you as they will give you wider coverage.

You can search.for childminders here www.childcare.co.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAzePjBRCRARIsAGkrSm6WVye2Q-D-pK1O8CqxlGrIhqrXYRvYwV871wtO4YFUt4sifAoeBAIaAnlsEALw_wcB

Or post on a local facebook group.

Definately speak to his teacher or the head as your son is going through a difficult time and will need support, his behaviour at school may also be affected.

Look at your finances and see whether there is any room for you to drop income and then see whether reduced hours at work my help.

You will need to figure out a routine that works for both of you.

  • What time do you need to get up
  • When will you get washing done to make sure your DS has school uniform and you have work clothes
  • When is bed time
  • What food can you have on the table in the time that you have to make it.
  • When will you fit in housework, food shopping, socialising....
Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 07:35

Tbh without knowing the type of job you do (hours worked/flexibility/whether you work overtime/shifts/have to entertain clients some evenings), we can't really give you more specific advice.

If you're in a 9-5 job with a short commute, after-school would be sufficient.

Anything outside of that, and childcare becomes problematic.

What is the support going to be like down south (ask them specifically, as you might be surprised at the amount of refusal to help you'll get!).

Are there job opportunities in your industry down south?

In any event, you have the immediate question of what to do now, even if you do decide to move, as you're not going to instantaneously purchase a flat and find a school place and move.

A lot of places are going to be booked up entirely now as we're so far into the school year.

You need to take a day off work, ring teacher, ring around childcare options, ring council, ring tax office, CMS etc.

Would it help if we gave you a to-do list? It can be overwhelming when you don't know where to start. If you give us more details, we can write out a to-do list, and find the relevant telephone numbers etc. for you. (We're nice like that Wink )

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 07:36

Can you tell my job is a PA? Grin

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 07:38

I'd also put speaking to HR on your TO-DO list. They may be able to advise you on how flexible they're willing to be in confidence, if you don't fancy airing your dirty laundry with your manager in the first instance.

ivykaty44 · 02/03/2019 07:53

Many things you can do online

Email school in the first instance, then you can offer to chat face to face if needed
Change council tax online, local at your local council website
Benefits are all online
Child maintenance also needs to be arranged
Check online for childcare, wrap round care
This maybe useful to know www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement
As might this www.gov.uk/flexible-working

Drizzlehair · 02/03/2019 09:14

Definitely get the ball rolling with child maintenance, your ex should be paying you money to support your son, it should not all fall to you, regardless of how much each of you earns

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 02/03/2019 10:18

Are you getting child benefit paid into your account?

Coronapop · 02/03/2019 10:21

A school with a before and after school club is the simplest option, or a childminder. School may also have holiday club, or visits to Mum or relatives in holidays.

rightreckoner · 02/03/2019 10:22

Another plug for Gingerbread ! My second today Smile

They have a parents helpline that can help signpost you through some of this - benefits, maintenance etc or whatever is relevant to your situation.

Sorry you are going through this. On the plus side single parent families who get through the tough times are tough as nails imho

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