Single Dad trying to learn the ropes.

[Dan250]

Hello,
My wife walked out on my son (6 years old) and I and wondering if anyone would offer me any advice? She has moved to Scotland and has confirmed that she does not want our son as she's starting a new life, but does want to see him if and when she can get down. My son's not taking it great and it's heart breaking, but I'm not on here to mud sling at her.

My problem is that all of my family live in the south of England while I live in the north and work full time. Could anyone point me in the direction of what full time working parents do for before / after school to cover childcare? I have no idea where to even start looking!
My other option would be to sell our lovely house and buy a small apartment in the South to be near my parents, as that is all we'll be able to afford down there. As of now, she says she doesn't want any money through the divorce, but I think that might change when the honeymoon period wears off in here new relationship and reality sets in.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, to say the least, this is keeping me up at night!

You've had lots of good advice here, mate. A couple of additional thoughts, particularly from a dad's perspective:

1. You have a legal right to ask for a family friendly working pattern, no matter what your job is. They don't have to give it to you, but it is your right to talk to them about what flexibility your employer could give you to help you meet your caring responsibilities. Many employers will be surprisingly flexible - I have a senior public sector role, but they were brilliant in supporting me to adjust my working arrangements to accommodate my kids.

1. Definitely sort out the council tax discount, maintenance, and any benefits you might qualify for quickly. Financial pressures can snowball quickly if unmanaged, so make sure you're getting everything you can.

1. If your ex is currently saying she doesn't want any money, crack on with the divorce paperwork as fast as possible. If you can reach an amicable agreement, you only need to get the financials formalised in a consent order. Be aware, however, that a Judge may be reluctant to sign off on an arrangement that gives her nothing. Get some legal advice, and get things moving.

1. Definitely invest in friendships with other parents. It provides mutual childcare opportunities, but it's also really important for other parents to know you. I have spoken to a couple of dads where mums didn't like sending their kids to his house purely because he is a single man (apparently, we're all sexual predators). Making sure your kid's friends' parents know you will help to avoid him being isolated if some of his friends' parents are like that.

1. Be ready for ignorant comments from people who assume that kids are best with their mum. Mine's a 50/50 set up, so not a patch on yours - but if I had a quid for every time people have commented either to pat me on the head and say how totally awesome it is that I'm involved (no, it isn't. It's parenting. It's normal), or to say things like "you should send them home to their mum" when they're ill and I'm trying to juggle work and childcare. Just ignore that. What you won't be able to ignore is when the everyday sexism comes from officialdom - the doctor who literally reached across me to get my daughter's mum to sign a consent form; the school that just contacts mum because they assume that's right. Make sure schools, doctors etc are informed about your setup, and know they should be dealing with you.

1. Above all, your priority will be supporting your child through this. As others have said, speaking to the school is essential. Watch for warning signs that he isn't coping, and be open to getting him some counselling if he needs it.

Above all, good luck mate. The separation and divorce is hell. But the relationship that you have with your child afterwards is amazing - you can parent on your own terms, and live the life you want. My two girls and I are a tight little team. Don't forget to enjoy that, even while managing the tougher stuff.

Interesting that a man has asked for advice at 6am and had dozens of women helping him sort his life out for him, and 9 hours later he hasn't acknowledged any of them...