Using a solicitor to initiate contact

[Pisces90]

For over 2 years my daughters dad has had limited contact(his choice.) I have made an app with a solicitor because i want to find out once and for all if he has any intention of having contact and being in our childs life.
He blocked all contact when he met his partner and wanted to use his Mum as a go between. I tried it for a year and a half but everytime his Mum contacted me again it was to inform me that he is refusing everything i am asking of him. Like phome our child on her birthday.. he goes months on end with zero contact. Currently none since a few days after Xmas.
He has photos of our daughter on Facebook and it pisses me off that he portrays he is in her life when he is not.
I have finally got the courage to see a solicitor and i was wondering how they deal with cases like this where the absent parents blocks contact. How do they view it? What is their attitude?
I want nothing more than for my child to see her Dad but after giving him every opportunity to sort something and now having resort to a solicitor i want it to be on MY terms.
I have told him more than once that i want no contact with him and only want him speaking to our child and seeing her. All i want is consistent contact and for him to vid call her on her own Gmail account. He did it once then never logged in again.
Sorry this post is a mess i just never thought i would need to involve solicitors but i can't keep living in limbo not knowing what his intentions for our child are.
He pays zilch maintenance but thats a whole other thread.

Legally speaking no one can be made to have contact with a child. Stands to reason as it wouldn’t be in the child’s best interests to be with someone who didn’t want to have them.

That being said it doesn’t mean you have to be hanging up waiting behind the door for him or tolerate inconsistent contact/continued let downs. If at some point he comes forward with what he wants all you have to do is make your decisions based on what is in your child’s best interests and you really shouldn’t go wrong.

The solicitor will be able to send him a letter setting out your concerns and what you propose should happen in terms of future contact. Then the ball is in his court as to whether he actually does anything or not. You could of course send him such a letter yourself directly, but if you think a letter from a solicitor will make him take a bit more notice/consideration and you are happy with what the charge for it will be then it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Try to see a solicitor who is a Resolution member and find out what they want to charge for a meeting/letter. Also think about whether he should respond to you or to the solicitor - and agree what you are prepared to incur costs on with your solicitor up front. What you don’t want is him wasting your solicitors time and generating work which you will have to pay for.

On the maintenance front if you want to pursue you can go through CMS but probably worth making a direct request to him first as there are charges for CMS recovering service I believe. I would make sure the communication about contact and about money go separately as the two issues are not linked and it doesn’t look great to have them in the same correspondence.

Thank you for your reply.

I know no one can be forced to see their child but my ex tells people he wants to see her. His mum was always saying he wanted to see her and when she was frustrated even admitted he just wants it all his own way. Plus he has my childs photis on facebook. Yet he makes no contact with me and never answered me when i tried.

I will be getting legal aid so costs not a worry. I did send him a letter last year by myself but no response. I am hoping a letter from a solcitior will force him to do something. Even if that means he wants no contact then at least i know where my child stands.

My concern is that he does want to arrange contact but makes demands on when and where to have her. I know he has rights but the reality is he a stranger to our child now. She is 3 so doesn't know what a Dad is if you know what i mean. I would like him to have consistent contact before he can have any unsupervised access. That is what i ideally want and i am so worried that going down this route could do more harm than good. I went through it all for over a year. The constant crying for Dada. Asking for him. Hearing noises outside thinking its her Dad coming to the house. That was when she barely understood so now we are passed that i don't want it happening again. I just don't want to go to solicitors and lose any control over the situation. As in him hurting her feelings and letting her down again.

Will solicitors see him as a parent with rights or do they take into account the emotional hurt he had caused and expect him to make the effort or just grant unsupervised access right away?

I am sorry this is so long my heads all over the place because i feel like if this doesn't work then there is nothing more i can do to help my child see her Dad.

Oh just to add to that i won't be hassling for maintenance. I will only be mentioning it to show it's something else he doesn't do for our child.

Are you sure you will get legal aid? It is gone for most family matters accross the board and especially in respect of Child Arrangements. Save for applications to court for Child Arrangements Orders where there had been domestic abuse in the last five years. I am unsure there is any funding to cover this type of pre proceedings work. Other than mediation which you may get funded (if it is suitable for you - not if there has been DV)

It is a difficult situation as you can’t predict how he will respond. He may do nothing, he may seek to formalise contact arrangements and if you don’t feel comfortable with what he is asking for this could lead to him making an application to the court for an order. If that happened the court would consider whether it is in the child’s best interests for contact to happen. It is usually accepted that it is in a child’s best interests to have a relationship with both parents. At age three the child is too young to express their own view. How and when contact happens the court can look at - if none has been happening then they would be likely to look at building it up in a. manner suitable for the child’s young age. Generally however the court would support progression to more/longer contact if all goes well. Supervised contact is for situations where there are safeguarding concerns but there is supported contact which takes place in a contact centre venue but not supervised one to one. Again generally there needs to be a good reason to limit contact in this way and it would generally not be a long term option.

You need to think what you would propose - is there a family member who could support contact to begin with - a grandparent with whom the child already has a good relationship perhaps.

I think you need to be clear in your mind what you want and what you think the way reintroduce contact should be. Your solicitor will be able to advise you as to whether the court would think what you want reasonable or not.

It’s a balance between knowing you have done everything you can to support that relationship for your child and potentially opening up a can of worms which may take things in a direction you aren’t necessarily comfortable with.

While not paying any maintenance doesn’t exactly cover him in glory the court will not factor this in as to whether contact should or should not take place.

Also even if he says he doesn’t want contact now that does not preclude him from changing his mind in the future. Obviously the question why now would be asked but delay/absence doesn’t mean he would not be successful. Clearly if you can show you have tried to engage him in the past to work things out then he won’t get very far blaming you.

I'm sure you'll get plenty of good advice here.

Just on the Facebook aspect - you'd be better off just blocking him and never looking. You can't make him be any different and this blatant lying on FB will only make you miserable. My GC's mother plasters photos of them on her FB with comments like "they are my world" when in fact she sees them one day a month and often cancels even that. You can't change this so just block and ignore.

Unless there is dv you won’t be eligible for legal aid.

I had an ex who barely managed contact. Tbh the best thing I did was stop trying to make him be the dad he never was going to be.

I would ensure you offer him contact via email so you have a record tell him it would be in a contact centre or at his mums .( if appropriate) Then leave it . If he then asks for contact tell him to go to mediation.

Then you can ask that he has consistent contact.

Yeah i am sure i will get legal aid. I have already spoken to the solicitor who will be handling the case. They are the only one in my area that offers it. There was DV in the relationship but i hadn't even mentioned that to the solicitor. I will wait until the face to face meeting.

I do have worries about my exes ability to parent alone. I won't go into it all but he is very unmotivated, selfish and lazy. He is good at being the fun visitor but i would never want to pur my daughter to stay with him alone right away. Like i said the contact has been limited so i think overnight stays is the end goal. I just want him to build a bond with her first and have some meaningful contact.

In regards to his FB i can't see it. He blocked me right away when he made a new account. I was told about it by a friend. I don't want to see it anyway. This is what i mean by he blocks all contact. I have no way to talk to him about anything and i don't say anything to him yet he still has me blocked. Its all very confusing for me and it will be even worse for my daughter when she grows up and sees for herself that he blocks contact.

Like i said he wanted to use his Mum as a go between and i tried it but nothing ever resolved. I stopped contacting her at the start of the year and surprise surprise i haven't heard a peep from her either. Having to deal with her was causing too much arguments and animosity so i had to put a stop to it. It's not like my child was actually getting to see or speak to her Dad so it wasn't worth it anymore. Thats why i have went to a solicitor now to finally put an end to this in some form.

I can more than show i have tried to engage with him to see our child. I have degraded myself begging him to be in her life. He never replied. I have plenty messages from his Mum as well describing his refusals to speak to his child or make any effort at arranging contact. So i know he can never blame me.

Sorry this is all very long. I am just worried about opening a can of worms but i feel if i waited any longer that my daughter will see what is happening. I would rather have it sorted asap so she either has her Dad or i have something to tell her along with proof that i tried for her.

I'm in a similar position. I try with both child's dad and his side of the family. At the start of the year I too stopped bothering especially with his family and they've not once asked to see child.

A solicitor advised against what you are talking about, saying the judge could decide he'd be fine on his own with child (which he absolutely would not!! Anger and drug issues!).

One thing I wish is that I'd gone to CMS earlier as it took months to sort out. It doesn't give him any more power as a parent. My child's dad gets it taken directly from his wage as he wouldn't pay. The money I get from him goes in an account for our child, it is the child's money, not mine so he couldn't use that against me, I use my money for our living expenses and his as savings for child's future.

I have set up an email address just for evidence relating to the issues surrounding this problem, the abuse, I make a record of missed visits and why, so that everything is together just in case I died I obviously wouldn't want him to have her so want to arm my family with as much as possible information they should never have to know but may be crucial to a case.

As a PP has said, even if you do all this, in a few months time he may decide he does want in your daughters life etc so though it sounds like you're looking for a bit of closure/arrangement it won't work like that necessarily. As sad as it is, I think the best thing is to just let sleeping dogs lie, if he and his family are not pursuing/accepting contact (even though you've offered it!!) then just try to get on with your life.

You're daughter doesn't deserve that treatment, you have already tried to gain a relationship for her, it's a two way street.

I agree with pp .

It sounds like contact would not be positive . He can no matter what he replies come back years later and want contact.

If you are getting no response let sleeping dogs lie is the better angle . I was advised by a solicitor the longer the absence the better

After his shit behaviour at Xmas i told myself enough was enough and i knew i was done. His Mum was warning him he was going to lose our child because of his behaviour but he still didnt change.

In the first week of Jan is when i was told about his FB. He has previously been off all social media. Probably so i couldn't contact him. He put pics up of our child and her name in his bio. So this has really infuriated me that he wants to somehow pretend he is in her life. I know what he is like and makes on to his family and friends that i don't allow him to see our child. I have kept a dignified silence over this but i can't keep living in limbo and having him twist the facts of the situation. My daughter is happy and thriving and no longer asks for her Dad. Its sad but i am used to him being gone so if its for good then i can deal with that.

I just feel its at a lose end and by going to a solicitor i can tell my Daughter i went to the maximum lengths to initiate contact. I always want something(a letter to him) that i can keep for future reference that i tried as much as i could.

Let me firstly apologise for the wrong use of you're (should've been your!!) Annoys me so that's that.

Secondly I totally get where you are coming from.

Let me play devils advocate... you send the letter and keep your copy and I'm assuming proof of delivery to his copy, he ignores. You think 'well that's that.' Few months later he comes over all 'what a horrible mother keeping me from my child' nonsense these men peddle and attempts restarting contact...then what will you do? You will never have closure unfortunately. Or rather you will never know you have closure. This might sound patronising so sorry if it does but he has all the chance to contact you as you (unlike him!) have kept contact channels open for him.

Here's another one..you go to solicitor and it's a drawn out court drama where it's arranged that he has contact on his own (this can be arranged even when there's DV if it's not been around your daughter ie the abuse was towards you not her).
Or even its arranged then after a month or so he stops showing and you begin the drama of her calling at the window and door for him again 💔

Please try to talk this through with a therapist if it helps you put it to the side and get on with your life without him and not trying to force him to be the father you want him to be (sorry that sounds harsh but these men just don't realise the wonders that are their own creation and it's bloody soul destroying when it feels like a rejection from these 'dads' towards their own flesh and blood)

Thanks for your concerns welllit.

I feel going to the solicitor will give me closure no matter what the outcome. The whole time he has told everyone he doesn't see our child because of me.. odd because i can't contact him to engage in any conversation with him. I assume he has seen some messages but i have never told him he can't see our child. It left me very confused and hurt. Then i realised it was just his way of still emotionally abusing me. Constantly blaming me for him not seeing our child. When i know i have done nothing wrong! I am dreading relaying this to the solicitor incase i break down. That is why i tried so hard because i didn't want my child blaming me for his absence.

I have so many examples of his emotional abuse over the past few years and i am prepared to use all that against him. Not to stop him seeing our child but to prove that it is him that has been beyond difficult and that if anything goes to court it's down to his behaviour not mine.

I am so used to seeing him let our child down that i am passed it. If anything was arranged and he did let her down then it would seriously be the last time. I wouldn't engage any further in trying to get him to be a Dad and leave it for good. Then it would be his turn to initiate contact if he had a change of heart.

I'm not sure what advice you've received and how you could just get legal aid when so many can't and have to repeatedly prove dv with police records etc
Which makes me think you really need to be sure that you aren't going to be given a surprise invoice down the line.
But,
If a court order is granted for eow, or once a month you are aware that if he doesn't show up or is late, he will not be in-trouble and can have who he wants legal around the dc and you aren't allowed to stop contact because he missed some or turned up late.
That reports and accusations can be made going through court that affect both sides?

A piece of paper to prove you tried isn't something you should show your dc ever. I haven't ever shown my dc the shit my ex did because they don't really care or understand TIL they are adults and between that time he could come in and out of dc life.
In four years he may believe he's grown up and want to be part of her life and if you sudden after years of trying say no they will ask why? And saying he didn't turn up or he was ea won't stop it.
Because you took him to court before when all that stuff had happened.
Plus if you say that you've tried contacting him but he blocks you and that's he's abusive it won't make sense.

I hope you get the right support and answers and I hope you rethink and understand what your doing. It's terrible that he's just ignoring his dc and you are feeling upset but be aware the people on here who say they won at court do not - even if the court is what they wanted the stress and bull that goes with it is damaging.

I also just want to add you seem sucked into this idea that all children should have contact with their nephew. Be very careful what you wish for . If he decides yes I will get in contact then you have an abusive man looking after your dc . It is not in your hands if he is safe. Courts imo have a very low threshold for supervised to move to unsupervised.

My 11 year old ( I do also have proof of why my ex shouldn’t see my Ds which he will never see as I think that would be very damaging barring in mind by this age they are aware he is 50% his dads dna ) he is told if his dad wants to see you he has to take me to court to check it is the right thing for him . A piece of paper saying I don’t want contact will not do that.

I think understandably you want closure but it never happens . I very much doubt my ex will get in touch after 7 years but in reality cannot guarantee it . But my time and distance and not trying will make a difference not a piece of paper .

Every time your dc is rejected it hurts and that just re opens wounds for you

Legal aid depends on what solicitors offer it. I spoke to a couple who both recommended the one i am away to see. I have to take proof of income and a bank statement with me and she said i will be signing forms. I know it's not fair that not everyone can access it because legal aid funds have had cuts but it's really down to your location and being lucky that you are near one that offers it.

I sorta feel like my initial query wasn't answered. Maybe because no one who has read this thread has experienced it? I want to know how solicitors deal with absent parents that actually block contact. Because after all this is a fairly modern thing these days with social media so solicitors must see it all the time now.

In regards to no contact/abusive and not making sense. My ex has had limited contact with me. The contact we did have always ended up with him turning nasty. I have messages from his mum detailing what he has said and i have screenshots from him sister of messages he has sent to her about me. It is all personal abuse against me and never about seeing her child. So i know at first it sounds like it doesn't make sense but if i typed anymore info i would feel like i was writing a book!

If he has blocked contact then he could speak to you through your solicitor (if at all) and you would foot the bill (or your legal aid would cover it) which I thought a pp had answered. He can still contact you unless you take out an order against him (which is you basically blocking him but legally, your solicitor will probably explain this to you).

Briefly I will explain they do not take into account that he has blocked you to some extent. They are there for the child really, not you as such. In my experience you will be offered a letter sent as that's what you seem to want. Then they will see what happens. He will not lose any parental responsibility if he ignores/blocks but they will probably advise what we have been saying that if it goes to court he may get visitation arrangements where he can say he doesn't want to see you. They are unlikely to (unless as I've said previously) the violence was directly affecting/towards his daughter, offer supervised visits - it has to be extreme to get this - they MAY ask his mum or someone to be present during time with his daughter. They don't really take into account what you think of him. If you go with your evidence it won't hurt BUT that's between you and him, not your daughter and him if that makes sense.

The trouble is it's not the same everywhere and even speaking to people from the same city can differ hugely and be very contradictory, but unless they deem it dangerous for the child they do tend to like both parents to have contact. If you think that you will go in and show them he's blocked you, he's not agreed to meet, his posts on Facebook just won't matter to them at all I wouldn't think, and show you have tried to initiate contact and his abuse evidence please don't kid yourself into thinking they will just say 'yes fair enough he doesn't DESERVE lone access'.

Does that answer a bit better?

What do you want the outcome to be?

Ok - this is not what you want to hear but I feel i’ve got to reiterate. What you have been told simply isn’t the case about the legal aid i’m afraid. It’s not like it was getting an NHS dentist a few years back. It’s not about having a legal aid provider near to you. It’s about meeting very limited criteria that apply to everyone. The fact that you have been told you will get it guaranteed without you mentioning DV rings alarm bells for me. There is advice online www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid and a CLA helpline as to eligibility. I would speak to them.

What you have said about popping along with your financial info and signing a form is how it used to be several years ago. Solicitors could check means and decide on merits. It is not as simple as that now.

You are probably thinking I know what i’ve been told why do people keep banging on about this?! Because wrong/misleading info on funding and costs should not happen and it is the first sign the person giving the advice is not the right person for the job.

I echo what I said about seeing a solicitor who is a Resolution member, experienced and reputable. Get this funding issue cleared up first and foremost and be clear that no costs are to be incurred until it has been so.

Re how your solicitor can “deal with him” - the question is more is what can and can’t the law do. Only the court can make orders which are enforceable.

Your solicitor can:

• Articulate your position to your ex
• Communicate with your ex on your behalf
• tell you what the law can and can’t do and the types of orders a court can make
• tell you what a court would be likely to order in your circumstances if you or you ex applied for an order
• tell you the merits/downsides of going to court
• give you advice as to how you might best achieve the outcome you want if that desired outcome is something the provisions of the law can achieve

Your solicitor can’t

• Make your ex respond/engage
• Make your ex be a good parent, or consistent or reliable
• Give you any guarantees or certainty as to your ex’s future behaviour

I understand where you are coming from but it's my understanding that a parent can initiate contact later and unless there's mitigating circumstances eg dv gradual contact can be enforced. Do the grandparents have contact? Even if your ex isn't interested, keeping in contact with grandparents, cousins etc keeps them in touch with their family. It's irresponsible for (usually men) parents to stop contact but alas too common

Thanks to everyone for the detailed replies. I have read them over and over.

I know they won't care about him blocking me but how is he supposed to see his child if he never asks me to see her? I told him to make an arrangment and stick to it then we would never need to speak again. I have no interest in speaking to him or seeing him. I just want a plan in place for contact. But it does make me wonder would the solicitors really expect me to agree to him having her alone if i have no way to contact him? What if he just took her?

I live in Scotland so i don't know if legal aid is different here but i spoke to one lady from the firm i am using who took a brief description of the case and she said she would find out if the family law solicitor was taking on any more legal aid cases like that at the moment. Then i got the call back from the actual solicitor who explained i would be able to apply for legal aid.

I know they can't force him to be a Dad. I tried for long enough.

Also his family have no contact either. I was always contacting them for him and it created too much arguments. The fact i haven't heard from any of them either says it all really.

Sorry but I wouldnt be engaging a solicitor at all. This man has shown he has no interest in his DD. You say you want closure then you talk of him having regular contact and want a clear plan. He clearly doesn’t want that and I think your opening a can of worms. If anyone should be seeing a solicitor it should be him given his excuses at not seeing his DD are down to you BU. I think the best way forward is to withdraw completely. If he wishes to re engage let him seek legal advice that should be your closure.

But it does make me wonder would the solicitors really expect me to agree to him having her alone if i have no way to contact him? What if he just took her?

Yes, this is exactly what may happen and this is why I was advised against taking any legal action. My situation was so similar to yours which is why I am trying to not let you make the same mistakes I did. At that point though it wouldn't be your choice to 'agree'. The decision would be made for you. You can disagree all you like but once that can of worms is opened (by you - beginning legal proceedings) you are basically allowing the judge to take all decisions out of your hands as you're basically admitting you can't sort it out for yourself, sorry what I'm saying comes across harsh but it's quite unbelievable it can be true until it's too late and you see for yourself that it is true.
He could argue the same what if you just took her also, so that is moot point in the laws eyes unless you have an order against him, then he would be breaking the law if he just took her.

Sorry but this is how it so easily can be.

The thing is he does show interest. Just not to me! Which has made this all very confusing for me and his family. He tells everyone he wants to see her and he even has photos of her on FB but yet he does absolutely nothing to be in her life and has blocked all my attempts at contact and refused to get an actual solid contact plan in place when he was using his Mum as a go between. It is like he wanta to play the victim and act like he has been stopped seeing his child in some way when he has not. I just can't live in limbo anymore. I am not sleeping very well because i feel like everything is up in the air

In my mind going to a solicitor would give me peace because i know it's not a message from me or his Mum that he can easily ignore. Well he can ignore it but he can no longer keep up the charade that he is stopped seeing his child.

I have the app tomorrow so i will update with how it goes. Thanks for everyones concerns.

Wellit are you talking about a child arrangment order? In what circumstances do they usually give them out for? Has anyone had one?

You've got his game, playing the victim is exactly what he is doing. He would look a right arse in front of people if he just said no I can't be bothered to see my own daughter. Also he gets to blame you and look the victim- two birds and one stone.

There's that or an anti molestation order. Both should be explained in full to you. They're quite complicated but if you google it should help.

I hope the solicitor puts you off going down this path.

Exactly. I have said to him during previous arguments(probably over a year ago) that he only behaves like this because it is all private and if his friends and family knew what he was doing then they would be disgusted at him. I have had to stop myself plastering his behaviour over Facebook but during the really bad times it was very tempting to expose the truth.

I have read about CAOs. Is there a reason you think it is a bad idea? Have you been down that road yourself?