Using a solicitor to initiate contact

[Pisces90]

For over 2 years my daughters dad has had limited contact(his choice.) I have made an app with a solicitor because i want to find out once and for all if he has any intention of having contact and being in our childs life.
He blocked all contact when he met his partner and wanted to use his Mum as a go between. I tried it for a year and a half but everytime his Mum contacted me again it was to inform me that he is refusing everything i am asking of him. Like phome our child on her birthday.. he goes months on end with zero contact. Currently none since a few days after Xmas.
He has photos of our daughter on Facebook and it pisses me off that he portrays he is in her life when he is not.
I have finally got the courage to see a solicitor and i was wondering how they deal with cases like this where the absent parents blocks contact. How do they view it? What is their attitude?
I want nothing more than for my child to see her Dad but after giving him every opportunity to sort something and now having resort to a solicitor i want it to be on MY terms.
I have told him more than once that i want no contact with him and only want him speaking to our child and seeing her. All i want is consistent contact and for him to vid call her on her own Gmail account. He did it once then never logged in again.
Sorry this post is a mess i just never thought i would need to involve solicitors but i can't keep living in limbo not knowing what his intentions for our child are.
He pays zilch maintenance but thats a whole other thread.

That's when they set out the visitations and they can decide to allow lone/overnight access etc. Mediation won't be offered due to DV. This was about the time I was advised against going any further and to just leave contact lines open for him to contact me. That is all that you should have to do to be fair, if he can't even pick up the phone (or get his mum to!) then just leave it be, his sad loss.

Let him say what he likes and publicly be a dad, that is out of your control and you know the truth. If he's like my ex he will do the same to someone else and then people will see that he's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

In front of who? The court case and what id said would still be between just the two of you with written accusations.
He will either respond or not to the solicitor, if he doesn't nothing will happen, they can't apply to remove his pr.
He could easily say he didn't receive anything or they had the wrong number.
If he decides to respond and go to court he could pretend to be the best dad in the world ( court does that to people)
And be granted eow and some holidays and in that he can pick and choose ( to an extent) if he actually collects the dc or not.
And then he could tell everyone how he won against you!!!
I have a feeling your going to go through it anyway, but just think how would you feel if he missed two weekends of contact and then turn up to collect dc on their bday as it's his year?... or collects dc for a family event ( showing off what a great dad he is) and still doesn't speak to you?
also judges agree that some parents shouldn't communicate unless it emergency or because they can't so use a communication book.
So your dc could be collected by your ex's mum ( as you've said he has a history of dv so it would be a reasonable request from him) and dropped off and still you have no communication with him.

There was a thread from a pp before about what happened when her ex stopped and blocked her and the dc's wanted to see their dad, have a search for it. Nothing happened, letters were sent but he chose not to respond and was told she just had to wait to see what and when he was ready.

Op. There is no solicitor, judge or court order in the land who can force your ex into contact with your child. Zero. None. Fact.

It's shit. I've been where you are. You're desperate to foster and encourage a relationship between them but he's not interested - his actions speak way more than his words - to his family and friends and social media. You're tired of making excuses for him and you feel absolutely awful for choosing him as your dcs parent.

My ex did exactly the same. He now only sees them twice a yearish, usually 6-9 months between contact. Totally his choice. He will not speak to me.

I ended up seeing a counsellor because I was feeling so rubbish about the situation. Turn the situation round OP - you've done your absolute best, the ball is squarely in his court. In future you can always tell your dc you bent over backwards to encourage contact but he CHOSE not to see her.

Just withdraw from the hassle. He's not seeing her anyway and I know that the mental load that puts on you is crippling you. It is an overwhelming all-consuming feeling, I remember it well.

So one final text/letter/solicitor letter. If you want TO RESUME contact it must be arranged via solicitor initially, then built up according to dcs wishes. Make sure you include all the efforts you have made to facilitate contact, but don't UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES deny him access. Let him make the next move.

Definitely contact CSA for maintenance, not negotiable. Why are you so against this?

Oh, and I don't think there's a chance in hell you'll get legal aid for this, but a single appointment and letter from a solicitor will cost you maybe £100, money very well invested.

Whilst child support IS seperate to access, Judges do take a very dim view of men who don’t pay.

OP - I spent the first 7 weeks of my DDs life trying to get my ExH to see her. Then I gave up because it was fucking my head up.

3 years on, I still have the same number, same address, he visits his Dad who lives a few streets over, has not once contacted me about her. Nor have his family.

He also blasts me all over Facebook, makes out like he’s fought tooth and nail. Reality is I set up mediation when she was 12 weeks old and he told them on the phone to “stop hassling me, I’m not interested in being a Dad, no law can force me”. I have that on paper and could easily put it all over social media to shame the fuck out of him.

He doesn’t pay either. CMS have been useless. Several liability orders. Bailiffs got nothing each time.

My DSis ex agreed in court to see DC once a year because that’s all he wanted. He hasn’t seen them since that day. Some men just don’t want to be a Father. Stop trying so hard. He’s made his feelings clear. Ignore him on FB. Stop engaging. You and DD are better off alone. EOW and half the holidays contact can be a nightmare for everyone. Be happy that you won’t be part of the drama.

Strongerthanithought thanks for your post. It really is horrible. I go through phases of being okay then the longer i hear nothing from him it eats away at me and gives me so much stress and a bad temper :(. It takes a long time to get your head around the fact that the absent parent simply does nothing out of choice.

I have a clear plan for tomorrow which will be to air my concerns about the blocking contact and the long lengths of time between seeing our child. I will leave an email and number and say i am ready to hear any arrangments he wants to make with me for being in her life or if he would prefer he can use his own solicitor. I don't want to force it. Just an almost friendly letter saying the door is open and always has been and is there any way he would like to resolve this situation? I just need to know for my own mental healths sake that i tried and that it will be the last word from me until he makes a move.

Regarding child maintenance i opened a case in 2016 not long after we split. Everything was fine until he started job hopping since 2017. It has been an absolute nightmare dealing with them but i made my peace long ago that i have to make do without his money so anything i do get is seen as a bonus. Currently £20 since November Arrears sitting at nearly 2k. They have set up a DOE on him so many times but he leaves before he has to pay. I really don't get how someone can live like that. Loser.

Sorry i would like to answer you all individually but i noticed there is no quoting system here so it is kinda hard to keep up with the replies!

Ah yes then if you are in Scotland then legal aid is different to England and Wales and is governed by the Scottish Legal Aid board. That is a relief. Not saying you’ll definitely get it for this type of issue but that makes ALOT more sense. The SLAB also have an eligibility calculator on their website. The law is Scotland is also different but not so much that it can make someone step up and be a good parent!

I think the issue with you making an application is that he then has a platform to gain an order without him actually having sought anything. He may ask for the moon on a stick in court and get it. He may not bother at all. It’s a bit of an unknown quantity. You will need to think very carefully about you applying and really discuss all the possible ways it could go with your solicitor.

Personally I think a formal invitation to him to engage and start reesrablishing the relationship with the child in a manner that is suitable for her is the way to go. Leave the ball in his court so that he needs to take some initiative.

All the social media stuff is such BS and so upsetting but I think it is best to have a thick skin about it and ignore it. You know the truth. The truth is what matters.

Another rule of thumb for when you want to post/commit any rage to writing is to take a minute to really look at what you want to say and how - would you feel happy with a Judge reading it? How would you feel if your child saw it when they were older. In most cases it is best not to post anything - don’t get sucked into his crap or doubtless his friends and family’s comments who think oh poor him. If any of them engaged their brains they would realise that he hasn’t actually done anything to secure his parent child relationship. They just aren’t worth your energy.

I have no experience of this but if I were you I don't think I'd be making an effort trying to force contact. An unpleasant, unreliable father has got to be more damaging than an absent father imo. I would not worry about what he is saying to other people etc and just get on with your and your daughters life together.

If he wants to make contact then he can do the chasing and you should just try to make him commit to a regular time, even if it is 2 hours once a month say.

OP - I understand your frustration . Having been through something similar, I now often wished that I hadn't bothered. I have a court order, stating the minimum contact to which DD is entitled and her father still lets her down constantly, going for months without seeing her.

(My ex spent almost a year without making himself available to our DD, not even a phone call. He lived cruelly close to us. And he claimed that he was being prevented, by me, from seeing her. I applied to court for an order so that, at the v least, I'd be able to show DD that I'd tried... Waste of time and money. 2 years down the line, everything is still chaos and he still lies about everything.).

But you have to do whatever you feel is the right thing to do. Just don't expect miracles! Good luck!

Op with the best will in the world you can't control what he does. Even if he says he will do something there is no guarantee that he will. Even if he says he never wants to see her again it doesn't mean he won't change his mind in the future. Therefore your wish to have "closure" is unlikely to be achieved.

I would seriously suggest you think carefully about what you really want to achieve from all of this.

Your dd is young. What she needs more than anything is to be loved and to have stability in her life. Just because she has a father doesn't mean he is a good one. You can't control or even really influence him but you can keep her safe & give her a good life by yourself.

On a very basic level why would you think it would be a good thing to force him to spend time with her if he doesn't want to/isn't interested? Isn't there a strong chance she will have a crap time with him and/or that he will let her down. How awful would that be?

I would leave well alone. He can say what he likes to other people. They don't really matter. The people who do matter know the truth. Most importantly your dd needs to know you love her, that she is brilliant and some sort of explanation that suits you both around some daddies don't live with their children. There are story books about things like this (we have a couple).

My ds hasn't seen his father in 5 years. His father isn't interested. We have a lovely life and he spends time with positive role models male and female. He asks about his "d"f sometimes and I know he may want to see him in the future. I tell him about him as honestly as I can. It's not ideal but tbh many people's lives are not ideal.

Just on the legal aid point, the solicitor may have told you that they do legal aid but that's not the same as you will qualify legal aid if that makes sense?

Your solicitor should be asking you what you want to achieve from all of this (and also whether that is realistic) but that doesn't mean they will. I would really strongly suggest you think about that - if necessary with a therapist/someone who can help you look at this objectively.

Good luck op.

Op I've just read a bit more of the thread. It reads as though you are struggling with this & so that's the reason for taking legal steps.

Can I suggest you might be better off finding someone to help you deal with the situation and how that makes you feel rather than throwing dd into the spotlight & trying to initiate contact with exp who clearly isn't interested otherwise he'd be there taking her out & participating in her life.

Can't thank you all enough for your kind concerns. I had terrible anxiety last night and all morning but i found the courage to go to my app.

So when i got there i filled a form out for legal aid and she is certain i will get it so fingers crossed.

It was a fairly quick app..i detailed the lengths of time between contact and the solicitor will be constructing a letter asking to re establish contact in a supervised manner(at his mums) or to go with a contact centre. She said that centre costs might not be covered by legal aid. But i hope it doesn't get to that stage. She also asked me what i do in emergencies and i said i can't tell him anything so she has asked he make himself available by phone. I didn't mention the DV because she never asked and as someone pointed out here that was against me not our child so i didn't see it as relevant.

I actually feel overwhelmingly positive after that appointment and even if he doesn't respond then i will always know i tried my best and me and my daughter can carry on as normal.

You can have your child's photos removed from Facebook as she is under 13 and you're her bio parent. They will ask for proof. I sent them a photo of the birth certificate x

In the kindest way OP reading your thread, I'd say you are the one who wants to keep this man in your life and you need to start to accept he's moved on. What he posts on FB is irrelevant, out of your control and if he wants to play Disney Dad on there, you can't do anything sadly. Why even look?

It's shitty that he's abandoned his DD but that's on him to explain why to her, and not you. You said yourself that she doesn't ask for him. Can you contact your GP and try to arrange some counselling for yourself to help you try and move on? It just doesn't make sense for your DD to see someone who doesn't provide for her, doesn't make the effort to stay in touch and was abusive to her mother........

He is her bio parent too so i don't think i can do anything about the photos. I will leave that be. It riles me but it will make me look petty if i try to get him to remove them and i can't go down that road now.

Sorry Spanielears if i have come across that way but you have interpreted it wrong. I don't want anything to do with him. I don't even want to speak to him. Because he is my daughters Dad i would only ever speak to him if i really had to or when my daughter is older and she wants us both there for something. I cant even begin describing in words my hatred for him but i am the type of person that believes in fairness. I dont think its fair that i bring her up alone, that i dont get any financial help for her, that i get no support. Then we are on to my child. I dont think its fair she has to grow up without her Dad. That she is treated so badly and like she doesn't exist while he pretends over FB that he is in her life by using a picture he took of her after going 5 months zero contact.

If you ask me it should be illegal to abandon your child and you should go to court to remove responsibilities rather than it being the other way round and absent parents being chased to contribute to their offspring in any way.

I moved town to get away from this man. I moved on from him long ago. All i want is him being in our daughters life because i know that is what my daughter would like. If he never contacts again then that is fine with me because i have grown used to it.

It doesn't matter if he's her bio parent. Pictures on Facebook aren't in your child's best interests. He won't know it's you who has reported them either

Just an update for those questioning the legal aid. I got the letter today to say it has been granted. I feel very lucky to get it and hopefully my case has a resolution asap.

Good for you just hope you get the out come your hoping for.