Anyone who's been through the same I can talk to?

[user1485859001]

Hi is there anyone who been through the court for custody of their little ones or anyone who's a single parent who I can speak to. We split up at the end of August (on and off) and I'm now worrying about the whole court thing. Iv been told it will go in my favour by my solicitor and everyone else but it doesn't stop me from worrying.

Court is in feb. I'm worried about the cost as well. I don't get any benefits or legal aid. I work part time.

Is the court really scary? I imagine I will get there and just break down crying and be unable to talk. I'm worried about the whole thing. Y

sorry i have no experience so can't help but sometimes just talking does.. what is the reason for going to court? Could you not reach an agreement on contact at mediation?

How old are the children?

Thank you for replying. It's just the one we have. She's nearly three.

It's going to court as he wants her 3-4 days a week. He wasn't ever at home when we were together. He worked till 7pm so she would be in bed most of the time. The weekends we would all be together. I worked one in four Saturdays. He worked some weekends. He just wasn't ever there so I'm not sure how he can want her so much now. Before I use to ask him to take a day off work to look after her if I needed to do a day training but he wouldn't. He'd be really awkward.
He's even said he just wants her so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance as he will have her part time. We have tried to do it out of court but we can't agree.

Hi im going through this too my ex i left as he was emotionally abusive, now he wants all his days with my 1 year old yet did nothing for him when he lived here and now says its because we didnt have money! He had contact as and when but i want a more stable routine ive not contacted a solicitors yet but will be doing!
I went to court years ago with my other kids dad its not scary just you a judge ur ex and solicitors in a little room. If nothing can be agreed you normally get appointed a CAFCASS officer who visits etc see how the child is with you both, in the end my ex wouldnt do what the court said so he got nothing! Wht i would suggest is you write evrrything down that happens like a diary, when he has your child any discussions etc then you can report it all.
Good luck if you have any more questions and i can help i will x

Your post sounds like I could have wrote it (the first section). Did you mention he's emotional abuse? I have to my solicitor but not sure if it makes me look like I'm trying to play the victim which I'm certainly not. But not sure if it's best unsaid. I'm a bit of an open book and would prefer to say everything that actually happened but iv been told not to look like I'm putting him down. I don't feel I am. I'm just telling the truth.

That's good to know it's not scary. I imagine us in a big court house in front of lots of people.

Iv already started a diary but I have forgot to write some things in it.
DD cries when she knows she has to go to daddies house and even when we were there over Xmas (I tried to make it specially and put things behind us) she kept saying she wanted to go.

That being said she does love her dad.

Start off by writing a time line of your relationship and his with dd from the start,
his behaviour towards her mainly as unfortunately even some abusive parents get access - does he have her unsupervised?
Have you proof you have offered access and he refused? Does he pay cms?
Does she attend nursery? Lots to think about. Write it all down as you will forget at the solicitors!

No not a big court house just a room. Ive made an app with solicitor next tue to sort mine, hes nice one min and really nasty the next. I tried for month to get him t leave he never would told me i need to see a doc im not right in the head. He now says im lying all all the time when i have it all in texts. My son doesnt really bother if he sees him or not as im the one that has always been his main carer, he cried even when he was with his dad and i was upstairs in the bath. My ex asks for overnights but ive said name one time you have ever got up for him?? He has never my son would just not settle for him. Im thinking of my son not me, i want the best for him. Yes i want him to have contact but not just when its convenient for him! Just like yourself ive tried to be nice it doesnt work! If thr reason you split is because of how he is with you then yes speak up about it, i rang womens aid they helped be recognise what he was doing. And they do it to get what they want which is what he will do in court so you need to say what he does and how he makes you feel so the court knows they will see him for what he is as i was told let him trip himself up!!
Do as your doing do the best for your child and dont listen to your ex. Make sure you carry on writing it all down and you can show the CAFCASS officer if you get appointed. It all gets wrote down. Let me know how you get on

I went though this nearly 2 years ago, difference was I didn’t want ex to see my dc at all as he was abusive. First went to court as I was requesting I could take hem abroad as ex wouldn’t give his permission. (Back then I didn’t have the order that shows I can legally take them without his permission under 30 days so I applied for that at the same time) that was just me, my solicitor (I did have legal aid) him and the judge. Carcass were then involved and all the interviews etc etc done and had to go back to court and there was me and solicitor, ex, then the judge and 2 other people next to him. That was all, the room, even though a large building/courts, wasn’t that big and it had desks sort of in a long line you sit at and the judge will be slightly higher up in front of you. Why do you not get any benefits if you’re part time?

I hear of so many families that it’s 50-50 just so father doesn’t pay maintenance. Does the child benefit get paid solely to you in a single bank account? If it doesn’t get that changed now.

Definitely echo telling carcass everything. Especially any kind of abuse no matter how big or small. Yes you don’t want to look like you’re just slagging him off of course, but tell them everything. If you need to cry, then cry! I ended up in pieces in my interview. You will be asked what support etc you have in place so make sure you have answers to that.

Beware of being too open with Cafcass. However much you hate ex don't let it appear apparent. They can say your hatred for him is clouding your judgment against dd being with him.

He got up with her approx once a week as I made him but I don't have any proof. If we were both working it would be myself who would get her ready and drop her off to my mums. It's me she always comes to for comfort and he hated that as he didn't like being left out. I couldn't help that.

He sees her unsupervised. He was emotionally abusive towards me but he wasn't abusive with her.

Even he's dad said it was emotional abuse but of course he won't say in court and I don't think I have any evidence. Just a few text from him saying if I need him to talk to him.

My ex does see her every Thursday and every other weekend. Im happy with this but he's not.

He pays CMs £14 a week even though he earns well. He's self employed so can hide the money.

I also went to women's aid to get advice.
I stupidly told him this and now he's trying to say I'm playing the victim and making it all up and that he's not controlling. He's saying I'm only saying that so he doesn't get DD 50:50.
She did attend nursery but he doesn't anymore. She went one day a week for 3 hrs. She only attended for a couple of months. I had to pull her out as it was taking me about 1hr each way to get there.
I can't place her in another nursery until I'm settled and the house is sold and I know where we will be living.

I one your ex saying your not right in the head, mine had never said it to me however he wrote on the court forms the reason being my mental health.
I said to him in the past I feel like I'm getting depressed with the way he is always putting me down. I was on anti depressants years ago but haven't been on them for years. I think half the population have been on them.

The reason we split is because I couldn't take anymore. It felt like e always put money first and he put me down all the time.
He did say he wanted 50:50 so he didn't have to pay. I may have it on a massage. He said that if he had our DD part time then he would be able to put a roof over her head and feed her etc so I wouldn't have to and he wouldn't need to pay me.

I get the child benefit in my bank. We never had a joint account.

Seems like hes all about the money not what is actually the needs of your child. Like my ex because he is controlling he cant make me hand over my son. I was told off womens aid to stop contact and speak to a solicitor as his abuse is not what i should put up with all because he doesnt get his own way! He acts like a dad in front of people but then ignores our son when on his own hes too busy on his phone , as well as messaging me to tell me what a bad person i am! So now im going to see a solicitor i cant have it anymore he texts me everyday sometimes just to ask how my son is but then has a go out of no where his problem is he has no mates just work he goes to.
I think once you have been to court youll have a clearer head too. My Caffcass officer i had years ago was really nice and listened to me, they come to see where you live what support you have etc. They will see your bond with your child. Id offer what you think is suitable for contact and take it from there. Ill be saying 2 days when hes off no overnight stays till our son is comfy with him .
Its not nice for our kids to go through this.
Oh and well done for leaving, even thoigh its hard i feel so much better, i dont have to explaine where ive been who with what was said etc!
And now i have my own money.

Following this as I'm in the situation

I also forgot to say i never spoke at my first court meeting my solicitor did it all x

Thank you for your help. I'm sorry you have had to go through it all already :(.
Yes women's aid were the only people who seemed to take me seriously. No one else would help. He even changed the locks on our home (once I moved to my mums). I went to go round there to get some stuff (he knew I was going) and that's when I found out.

He then filmed me round the house saying about women's aid how I only called them to try and be spiteful. It was like he was trying to catch me out, like I made up what he was doing. I even went to the police after that as I felt intimidated but again nothing could be done.

Now we are on better speaking terms. I think now I'm out of the situation I'm not so worried anymore. Iv come to terms with it never going to get more money off him for our DD. It's annoying he's lying and he's getting away with it but there isn't anything I can do.

I was meant to have a telephone appointment the other day with cafcass but no one has still got back to me. I called them and they just said someone would call me back.

Also it won't actually be my solicitor representing me at the court as it's to far away and she said she would have to pay someone else to represent me.

Well i think they speak on your behalf? Mine did i didnt speak at all in the end my ex stopped coming hahaha.
Now i have to go through it all again. This ex is just like jekyll and hyde, he gets so nasty then turns nice again. Its very weird my friends say he isnt wired right 😂😂
I just care about my son having thr best possible life, i dont care what my ex does or who with! As long as my son is cared for in his care then thats all that matters, its thr ex that constantly messages me when he has him and when he doesnt and ive told him he doesnt need to message all the time.
Your ex sounds very controlling to least your away now you can live your life the way you want without being told make your own decisions etc.
Caffcass will ring you before court think its just to get a handle on things before court

Hello,

We want through court process last year, I am not going to lie at times it was so stressful I had panic attacks and my ex found it incredibly stressful too, if you have any particular questions please shoot and I can share more of my experience.

Overall we settled through a process called a family conference in our second hearing and it was the ex, his mackenzie and I. I didn't feel the barrister would be necessary at that point but for the first hearing it was super stressful and tempers running very high as you can imagine.

I second the comment that be careful with cafcass, I was very stressed and i didn't do my prep and when the call came I didn't help myself in terms of what specific concerns I had. Luckily for all of us the cafcass officer saw that we are both good people but completely unable to communicate, the initial report they prepared was objective and mostly fair with small miscommunications.

Once cafcass make up their mind thats pretty much how things are going to go down so please try and find the time to organise your thoughts in terms of what you want and what you don't want and likely compromises.

This too will pass, with you all the strength and make sure you have a good support network (friends, family, work colleagues) as it can be a rough experience at times.

Thank you for replying. Cafcass haven't even called us when they were meant to. Still haven't heard anything.

I'm assuming they will need to call before it goes to court?

I'm hoping me and my ex will be able
To sort it out of court now. Will on one hand I want it all done properly as i don't really trust him (and he doesn't me). But then I'd rather settle out of court if we can as it's so much money.

My solicitor said it shouldn't go to a second hearing. Do u mind me asking why yours did?

I think we have come to some sort of agreement. My only concern is every other day he will seeing her four days as week (two days the alternate week) and those 4 days are more than I will see her that week and I'm here main carer. Also I asked DD if she wants to see daddy and she says no mummy or nanny. So il he taking one of the days my mum usually has her so she can be with her dad. I'm aware dad should see her more. I'm just thinking off DDS needs and wants. But on the other hand she is only (almost) 3.

Hi just wondering how your getting on with everything xxx

Hiya. Sorry I haven't kept u updated. It went really well. I have residency. He wants to take me to court again though now for the house. How are you?

Did he think that 50/50 was going to be cheaper for him than £14 a week? Because surely at 50/50 he would be expected to provide as much for her as you would?!

But that's not the point. Glad it went well-known it was a helpful post to read as a single expectant woman!

Hi well ive stopped contact 4 weeks ago still messages me telling me rubbish like yesterday " just to let you know as i have to pay for mediation etc i cant afford to take son out or buy him anything" hahahah dont know what he expects. Then this morning he sends me a letter about parental responsibility copied off equal right for seperated dads website, where he has only copied what he wants not the whole template, again made me laugh. Its all about control with him not seeing his son. My son is non the wiser about not seeing his dad.so until he takes me to court and gets told off a judge what he does is wrong he wont be having contact.😊😊😊

Well I got there and the cafcass worker told me that he realised 50:50 wouldn't work.

He said to the cafcass worker that he wanted it to go to court so he would have set days which couldn't be changed.
Im not sure if it's about the money as I won't get anymore now as he lies about how much he earns. He's self employed so he can.

I'm just glad that side is all over. Now I have the stress of the house. But iv been to court once so at least I'm prepared and ready to face it again.

Does he pay you maintenance?
Have you got your court day yet?

Yes pays me 160 a month and says thats to pay for everything he will ever need 🤣 and no not got a court date, he just send empty threats i know he wont take me to court he like to think he can threaten me!!