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Original poster

Do kids really grow up to see absent parents for what they really are?

37 replies

StrongerThanIThought76 · 17/12/2018 17:08

Firstly I grew up with divorced parents - my mum still cannot abide my dad, 30 years on. He was present in our lives though, and did pay maintenance regularly.

Fast forward to now and my ex sees the kids once or twice a year, plays textbook Disney dad then leaves me with everything to mop up. Was like this when they were tiny, now they're teens.

Folk keep telling me that despite the kids thinking the sun shines out of his arse, and me feeling like a drudge/fishwife/shit parent 90% of the time that in time "they'll work it out" as in actually realise who did all the donkey work of parenting rather than flash the cash twice a year. He of course tells me he's 'doing his best' by sending maintenance (which he once demanded I email him thanks for every month).

Do they? Am I busting my gut for nothing or do kids really grow up to appreciate the RP for all their slog and see the very absent NRP for what they are?

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 17/12/2018 17:11

I don’t know is the answer. DS1s “dad” is effectively an overblown babysitter once a fortnight. That’s the sole involvement in his life (ex took me to court so it’s court ordered), no calls/texts/maintenance. He didn’t even realise he was already at high school (I told him several times!) but DS1 thinks he’s fucking amazing because he Disney Dads it and never says no, chucks as much junk food as he wants at him and no limits on Xbox.

But I wanted to add a voice of solidarity and say I get it, when you’re the one who’s done all the actual parenting but they’re the superhero.

BoebePhuffay · 17/12/2018 17:14

I don’t know. I’m in a similar situation. Well actually we havent heard from ExP in almost two years now. One DC doesn’t want to know about him. The other is really broken hearted and wants nothing more than to see his dad. People tell me he will work it out for himself who did all the parenting and how shit his dad was. I wish he didn’t have to. I don’t want him realising he wasn’t important enough for his parent to bother with. I don’t care if he never realises his dad is a lying manipulative prick, I just want him to stop hurting and never to be hurt by him again.

metronome1 · 17/12/2018 17:16

Yes I did. I still have a relationship with my father now I'm an adult, but I'm quite open about the fact I know he was a rubbish father. My brothers are exactly the same. We love him but we know he's a shit.

ems137 · 17/12/2018 17:17

My kids realise the truth and they're only 12 & 11. Their dad isn't even that bad, but obviously not great either!

Last year I got sick of going along with them thinking he was perfect so started gently pointing stuff out to them. Not in an obvious way but still pointing it out. So DD said "oh my friends dad only sees her twice a month, it's not much is it" I said "well your dad only sees you twice a month too" and "do you know if dads taking you on holiday this year, I'm booking ours and I don't want the dates to clash" (he NEVER takes them anywhere!)

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 17/12/2018 17:17

I think it happens when they have kids of their own.
Chin up op,

BertieDrapper · 17/12/2018 17:19

Yes they do.

Child of divorced parents (split when I was 2)

Don't get me wrong my dad is not a total arse just .... inept.....

We used to see him every 2 weeks for the weekend. He would often be late. Would bung my £20 every now and then (for 2 kids) and would barely hear from him between visits.
I can now go weeks/months without speaking to him and if I need help with DIY or any other favour he is generally the last person I ask.... my step dad is the one I ask for help with DIY!

As you grow up you see your parents for who they are ... human.... and flawed.

X

longnight · 17/12/2018 17:20

From my experience I say yes. I've seen my sperm donor once and he never paid maintenance if I saw him on fire I wouldn't spit on him he's a waste of space. Had though of looking for him at one point found out he went on to have more kids.
My oldest dc is nearly 15 he hasn't seen his dad since he was 6 through his dad's choice. I have offered at various points to try and get in contact him if my ds wanted. He has no interest says he wasn't around when things was tough or when he needed advice. Ds was a daddy's boy when he was little he's predicted good grades and plans on joining the police force when he's old enough.

Dinnaehinksae · 17/12/2018 17:20

I would say yes. My dad was crap. My mum is as far as I'm concerned my only parent. I still as an adult rarely have anything to do with my dad though now it's my choice as I realised exactly how terrible he'd been as a parent.

GreenDinosaur · 17/12/2018 17:28

It can take a while, my DH is in his 40's and he's only recently figured out that all the bullshit his dad fed him growing up wasn't true and the truth was that he was just a selfish twat.

Escolar · 17/12/2018 17:52

My niece is 16 and she realises (my brother has been her step Dad since she was 2 years old). I think she got it when she was about 12.

NutellaFitzgerald · 17/12/2018 17:55

My parents didn't divorce until I was 17 bit it's clear as day to me who my actual parent was. I haven't spoken to my dad in years and have no interest to. He tries now and again but really he should a)have been there when his kids were small and b) maybe made amends when we were older in a way that goes beyond self interested waaah i am old and lonely why won't anyone visit me? way.

So he was present but absent. It was noticed. It came to a head when i had children of my own. That brought it into sharp focus for me.

Starlight456 · 17/12/2018 18:35

My Ds (11 ) has figured it but hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3.

He mostly makes jokes about how crap he is . I know there is a bit of pain in the jokes.

Surfskatefamily · 17/12/2018 18:47

My dad was there for me, but he actually made things difficult for my mum. She didnt tell me until i asked as an adult what he contributed. Half the cost of school trips

He bought shoes and clothes but refused to give maintenance. His accountant made sure it looked like he barely earnt

Has left me with a lesser view of him

thefourgp · 17/12/2018 18:56

My parents split when I was three and my sister and I realised what a douche he was when I was 11. We decided to tell him we wanted nothing more to do with him then. I worry about how long, if ever, it will take my kids to realise what an arse their father is. He’s so manipulative and good at playing the victim I worry they’ll spend years accepting his bullshit excuses. They’re still little though so who knows.

TheBigBangRocks · 17/12/2018 20:07

I think they do, both parents not just the non resident one. I think once you are an adult with your own children you realise all the flaws.

eve34 · 18/12/2018 16:07

I always knew I wasn't a priority to my father. He left when I was five. I love him. But know he had nothing to do with my up bringing.

My ds dad left last year. Ds now 12. Wants nothing to do with his dad. Dd who is 6 is the apple of his eye. So will be a while I think.

I just hold my head high knowing I have done all I can for the children and have also tried hard for the kids to see him as positively as possible. But I'm not covering for him. Just try to be as honest as I can.

QwertyLou · 30/12/2018 16:14

I’m a bit late to this thread but OP, I know exactly what you mean and it’s hard. I’m the boring, mundane parent telling him to make his bed.. absent “Dad” (who has never met him) could swoop in tomorrow with a bunch of toys and he’d be a superhero.

I idolised my Disney “uncle and aunt” growing up, whilst resenting and not-idolising my boring parents. I now realise how amazing my parents were, and that my U and A were almost never around (which is fair enough)! So I think your DC will know Flowers

drowningincustard · 30/12/2018 17:30

A lot of people here seem to be replying about absent crap parents which to me is different to weekend disney dad - who makes a big show of money/being lax on rules leaving you as the 'bad cop'.
I don't know the answer but live in hope that at some point kids grow up and realise money and an absence of boundaries does not make up for a lack of parenting... xxx

brownmoose · 30/12/2018 17:37

Yes, but it took me 30 odd years to do anything about it.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/12/2018 18:00

My ds has t seen his father since he was a toddler.

He doesn't pay maintenance.

He doesn't send any presents since he split from his wife (who was great but sorted it all!)

Ds doesn't know he cheated and that's why it ended.

Ds has made his own mind up he's a waste of space!

Personally I think kids make up their minds on a parent being good enough or not by what they need and want from them. If you're providing a warm loving family home they probably only need a Disney dad. So he's what they need. Doesn't mean they don't know what he is iyswim?

cushioncuddle · 30/12/2018 18:14

The children often do , however they can be left craving their absent parent's attention into adulthood. Sometimes they keep trying to please , lap up any communication or good Will gesture and won't have a bad word said against them because they still feel like the small child wanting them to love them , to not feel rejected.

8FencingWire · 30/12/2018 18:20

Mine told me the other day her dad is a deadbeat dad.
Now I know she’s got him down to a T.

goldengummybear · 30/12/2018 19:13

My ex is a Disney Dad. One kid has gone NC but the other 2 (15 and 12) are well aware of what they can expect from their Dad and have very low expectations of him. He would happily buy them a car at 17 or pick them up no questions asked whatever time of night but is not one to go about emotional stuff. For example he'd not be able to name any of their friends or what their favourite dinners were. They have a polite relationship where they do stuff like take his dog for a walk. My kids know that they can get away with bad behaviour because he's now a Disney Dad who thinks that they'll not turn up to future contact but the reality is that it has made them lose respect for him. My kids are old enough to understand that rules are for everyone's benefit and that he truly thinks that he can buy their affection.

I think that if they don't admit it now, they will be confronted by this reality when they become parents themselves as they will not understand how someone can see their child twice a year. (I assume that there's no contact like phone or text)

goldengummybear · 30/12/2018 19:15

ChristmasTwatteru- my ex has never entered our kids school. We've had at least 1 child there for 6 years and he lives 45 minutes away.

Kemer2018 · 30/12/2018 19:16

Yes, i saw it early