Do kids really grow up to see absent parents for what they really are?

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Firstly I grew up with divorced parents - my mum still cannot abide my dad, 30 years on. He was present in our lives though, and did pay maintenance regularly.

Fast forward to now and my ex sees the kids once or twice a year, plays textbook Disney dad then leaves me with everything to mop up. Was like this when they were tiny, now they're teens.

Folk keep telling me that despite the kids thinking the sun shines out of his arse, and me feeling like a drudge/fishwife/shit parent 90% of the time that in time "they'll work it out" as in actually realise who did all the donkey work of parenting rather than flash the cash twice a year. He of course tells me he's 'doing his best' by sending maintenance (which he once demanded I email him thanks for every month).

Do they? Am I busting my gut for nothing or do kids really grow up to appreciate the RP for all their slog and see the very absent NRP for what they are?

Mine has. I would have preferred for him to keep oblivious to it. It has been so painful to watch my son being hurt by the realisation of what a bad father his is.

Count your blessings, there is no fairness on this

Yes, I did. I was taken in my all the gifts and fun trips initially but as I grew up I saw him for what he was. He'd send me money for passing my GCSE's but wouldn't know which ones I took and he'd tell people proudly I went to uni but he couldn't tell you now which uni I went to, what I studied or what I got. My mum always encouraged a relationship but it must have been hard when we were younger and were distracted by superficial things and didn't realise he was making up for his overall crap ness. Also, I only saw my dad a once a year and as I grew up seeing my friends see their dads every other weekend, made me see how poor his efforts were in comparison. Now I have a civil relationship with him but my heart entirely belongs to my mum and I see and appreciate all she did (especially since becoming a mother myself).

Didn't dawn on me till very late. 30? My dad wasn't THAT bad growing up.

It went from close to nothing. he didn't come to my wedding, and I've been NC since.

He later let down both my brothers, and since, all 3 of us haven't had any contact with him at all.

But even then, it was only when I had ds's.

Actually not even then. When we went through difficult periods parenting ds's aged up to teens, I saw my mum and her love and parenting in a new light.

And only then realised lots of things about my dad.

So, I fear OP, that different realisations occur, later and later as we ourselves experience different things?

I did- I didn't see my dad aged 4-16, at all, whilst my mum wasn't biased about him, I knew he was a prat. I distinctly remember feeling let down by him every birthday, christmas and father's day.

Dd1 saw him for what he was aged 6. Just after her birthday in fact. Dd2 is more accepting of him but dd1 hates him and his gf. She sees him as a liar, a shit dad, and has said she'll start calling him by his first name now. She's 11.

Yeah, they do, but there's no satisfaction in it tbh. I would love for ds to have a good dad. ( He has DP who-if he did but know it-has his back, and hopefully he will come to appreciate that when he's 20 or so!)

My younger son started seeing through his dad’s quite early on (10?) and stopped seeing him completely aged 14. He is very clear and matter of fact about his father’s idiosyncrasies but I think that’s due to his autism.

My older son thought his father was marvellous for years and quoted him as an authority on everything. Only in the last year or two has he realised the truth. He’s 18.

My children are getting there - they are young (11, 9, 6), and the older 2 still love their dad but are starting to realise his faults.

He focusses his attention on the 6-year old who thinks the sun shines out of him, but even she will constantly tell me that mummy does so much for her and that I work so hard etc, so I think even she is beginning to see through him.

But I am the same as you OP, and I wonder if they will ever see through him fully, and if they will stop contact when they are older. I have facilitated contact as best as I can, so that they are able to make up their own minds either way, but it is a very painful and frustrating journey in the meantime.

I have always been told that the children work things out for themselves in the end and see their fathers for what they are as they get older and mature.

I seriously hope so!!!

I don't get it - why does that worry you? Surely that is irrelevant to you as a caring parent although I would say in most cases the answer is yes. Certainly when children get to 16-20 they very much look back on their childhood and see what it was like especially in comparison to others. This is especially true if there is something missing. I never saw my dad when a child until 18. My mother stopped him for no good reason although he not only paid maintenance for us but for my mam too right up until age 20 - and she wasn't even looking after us herself!!!! I met my dad age 18 initially just to find out what makes me me and learn more about my expended family (which was also stopped from seeing us) and got the full story from him and others - the result for the rest of my life (same with my brother) we will never have any feeling for our mam for the rest of our lives! My children are adopted and I am a single parent (their adopted mam has also hardly seen them or done anything over the years) just me and because of their severe neglect and abuse by their birth mam my son especially is very lucky to be alive (only survived by eating dog food and drinking out gerbil bottle) and left with many disabilities because of all this including AD, ADHD, FASD, atypical neurological development disorder, autism etc. Personally, I don't think it is any of my business what they think of their three other useless parents when they grow up. It is up to them. All I care about is being the best parent I can be and I don't need a reward or recognition for it just because I have been the only one there for them throughout their childhood etc.

My stbxw us a narcissistic, neglectful chronic alcoholic because of certain things my dds ended up on a child protection plan. Now they get to see her first a few hours at the weekend. Both are realistic as to why their mum isn't here, both say really pointed things, like when they see a vodka bottle in the gutter, if we go somewhere where something bad happened.

It's difficult, there are times when they make up reasons not to go to contact, they have both actively blocked her. The evenings especially, when she has a tendency to drunk dial.

They are caught between a rock and a hard place, they want to see mum, but they don't want to.

Both are worried that they may grow up to be addicts or alcoholics.

It's not helped by the fact that stbxw cannot see what she is like, and that she demands that the dds "love" her. She is also in full denial even though the police and children's services removed her from the home (twice I was an idiot the first time and let her back) none of this was caused by her.

It is quite horrible for them, because they know they are being manipulated, but it will take sometime before they have the strength to say no.

I think what is even harder for them, is it's their mum and it's now their dad who looks after them. I know other kids are snarky to them about this.

It's just damn difficult and only time will tell