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Original poster

Ex threatening not to see kids at Xmas unless I agree to his terms

37 replies

BelleBoyd · 13/12/2018 10:14

I have offered my ex to visit on Xmas Day anytime between 11am-4pm at my mum’s house with me and the kids. He is refusing and says he doesn’t want to and will only see them if he’s at my house with them for the whole day or I take them up to his family’s about 2 hours drive away (haven’t actually been invited by his family).
I think I’m being more than reasonable as he’s very verbally and emotionally abusive. I can’t have him in my home anymore, previous xmas’ I have. I don’t want to spend the day with his family and him either. He hasn’t a home the children can visit as he stays somewhere by his choice children aren’t allowed.
I feel terrible about telling my kids that daddy’s not seeing them on Xmas Day and I absolutely know he will tell them it’s because mummy didn’t let him.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/12/2018 10:18

He sounds horrible - I'm glad you're not still with him.

Stick to your guns. Nobody has or wants to have their ex at their house for the full day on Christmas Day.

Just say to your children, "It'll be just us on Christmas Day. Dad says he wants to come here but he's always really horrible to me so I've said no this year."

Isadora2007 · 13/12/2018 10:21

Doesn’t sound like much of a loss to your kids- wanker.
Stop Disney Dad-ing him. Be honest but appropriate- “Daddy cant fit in with our plans for Xmas day so he will arrange another time to see you” and move on to another topic. It is far better for them to have a nice stress free Xmas than see him if he is a controlling arsehole.

mummmy2017 · 13/12/2018 10:23

Tell him, that is his only option if he has chosen to not see them, that is his responsibility.

SlowlyShrinking · 13/12/2018 10:29

If he wanted to see them he’d move heaven and earth to make it happen. He just wants to control you/them. His loss if he doesn’t see them. You’ve been reasonable.

convertingroom · 13/12/2018 10:37

He doesn't want to see them then.

notapizzaeater · 13/12/2018 10:37

You e offered, he's refused - tough he will have to suck it up.!

CryingMessFFS · 13/12/2018 10:38

He doesn’t want to see them, he’s trying to control you. Tell him you’ve given him an option and if he doesn’t want to see his kids on Christmas that’s his call

SeaSandLandSky · 13/12/2018 10:45

Do not let him use the children as a bargaining lever. You have made a fair and decent offer to him, therefore if he chooses not to accept it, it's his problem, not yours.

Your absolutely right not to have him in your home, especially as you would be alone as the only adult with him.

You do not ever have to do anything he demands anymore. EVER!!

Have a good Christmas your way.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 13/12/2018 11:52

That’s reassuring that I’m being reasonable. Just upset at the thought of my daughter being so upset and disappointed not to see her dad. And worried that she thinks it’s my fault although I know in time she will come to understand.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/12/2018 11:54

He sounds awful, stuck to your original plans, if he won’t accommodate them, he doesn’t get to see the dc. They prob won’t notice anyway in the excitement of the day

Beechview · 13/12/2018 11:58

Just explain it as ‘daddy is welcome to come to visit at gran’s but he says he can’t make it’
Don’t let him try to blame you.

MumUnderTheMoon · 13/12/2018 12:08

He is trying to control you and is using your kids to do it which is disgusting frankly. Let him say what he want but be clear with your children " I've encores Daddy to come and see you at nanny's but he has told me he can't". Leave it at that, also if I was you I would talk to someone at women's aid to get advice on your ex.

Fatted · 13/12/2018 12:11

You've given him the opportunity to see them and if he wanted to, he would take it up. Don't let him guilt trip you into doing what he wants. Do what's best for your children which is having Christmas with their family members who do want to spend time with them.

tiktok · 13/12/2018 12:16

You're not being unreasonable at all.

For the future, I suggest you explore mediation with a view to applying for a child arrangements order if you can't get an agreement through mediation. Get your Xmas arrangements written down - ditto your Father's Day, Mother's Day, birthdays and so on.

Then if he starts to play games, you can apply for an enforcement order.

It's usually far better to sort things out without going to court, but if only one of you is a grown up, the courts allow you to insist the other one at least pretends to be mature.

(Disclaimer - I'm not a lawyer but I volunteer supporting people applying to the civil, inc family, courts)

SummerGems · 13/12/2018 12:19

He is being an arse dictating such particular terms but tbh I can see it from both sides.

You don’t want to drive to his family (fair enough) but equally he doesn’t want to go to your family either which is equally fair enough.

But the dictating all day in your house is out of order. What contact does he usually have with the DC? Overnights etc?

Just say to your children, "It'll be just us on Christmas Day. Dad says he wants to come here but he's always really horrible to me so I've said no this year." no please don’t do that. The children don’t need to be caught up in any disagreements between the two of you. As they grow up they may see this for themselves, but you shouldn’t use this as a reason to justify to them not seeing their dad any more than he should be telling them that you won’t let him.

If there is no middle ground compromise you can reach i.e. him picking the kids up in the evening to stay overnight at his for instance then he doesn’t get to see them purely on his terms.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 13/12/2018 12:29

Yes I’m no comfortable saying that to the children either. I am very worried what’s the best to say to my daughter as she is suffering already with anxiety over the chaos he creates. He can’t have the kids at his home. His family are worried he shouldn’t be with them alone at all. At the moment the arrangement is every Saturday but the whole day arrangement hasn’t happened for a few weeks. He’s seen them for a few hours once a week.
Tiktok I had thought mediation with an abusive ex wasn’t a good idea? He would also just lie and manipulate and then ignore any agreement, we had counselling once before and it was a painful farce. The child arrangements order sounds a good idea. I am on a very low income though and would be worried about escalating costs?

OP posts:
redastherose · 13/12/2018 12:34

You are not stopping him seeing them he is! Please don't let him guilt you into feeling like this is your responsibility. He is their Dad and he should want to see them. If he doesn't then that is his choice.

Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself I know that it takes a lot to break old feelings of responsibility as you will be used to being blamed for everything.

You give him the option to come and see them at your Mum's once again and tell him that this is his choice and if he doesn't choose to take it then that is entirely up to him and no one else. If he doesn't see them then you have to be honest with your DC's and say that he was invited to Grandma's but didn't want to come. Sometimes you can't protect children when their Father is just being a dick.

kayakingmum · 13/12/2018 12:38

It depends how close they feel to him. If I knew it would make them really happy I would do the 2 hour journey in the afternoon, after Christmas dinner so they could spend the evening together.
If you think they wouldn't mind that much I wouldn't bother.

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2018 12:45

I was a child in a similar situation, with none of the adults having like adults.
I would have so welcomed a straightforward factual reason
“I offered him to come to grandma’s but he isn’t going to.” Gently Followed by “ what do you think about that” it would have helped my anxiety.
Please don’t let him use his child/ children as bargaining chips, or she’ll grow up desperate to prove herself to every unkind man she meets.
I’m really glad you are no longer with him op, and I’m sorry you’ve been put on this situation.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 13/12/2018 12:57

Thankyou that’s exactly what Im worried will happen to her. The thing is she always asks me but why? And why can’t he? And why can’t I arrange it? I will just tell her he has been invited to Grannies but at the moment says he doesn’t want to come. That’s the simple facts. And if she asks why I will have to say I don’t know because I don’t. Of course it will leave her feeling unloved, not valued, possibly a bad child who’s not worth being with. It properly breaks my heart

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 13/12/2018 18:07

This is all part of the control best response ok then .

Any response he has bothered you is a win for him, any moving goalposts a win .

This isn’t about him wanting to see his dc this is about power and control.

tiktok · 13/12/2018 18:21

Didn't realise he was abusive OP, thought he was just an arse! Of course you are right - mediation with an abusive man is not a good idea and you would not be required to undergo it.

You can go to mediation alone or else skip mediation on the grounds of his abusive behaviour and get a new CAO or an enforcement.

tiktok · 13/12/2018 18:25

You can claim help with court fees if you go for a CAO. If you are on a v low income, or benefits, and without savings (less than £3k), you can claim. Otherwise there's a fee. Will try to find a link.

tiktok · 13/12/2018 18:26

You can apply for a CAO yourself. You don't need a solicitor.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/12/2018 18:30

I think you are being very reasonable and putting in place barriers that protect you and your children. One the day your children will be excited and busy, hopefully this will distract them from their Dads no show.