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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex threatening not to see kids at Xmas unless I agree to his terms

37 replies

BelleBoyd · 13/12/2018 10:14

I have offered my ex to visit on Xmas Day anytime between 11am-4pm at my mum’s house with me and the kids. He is refusing and says he doesn’t want to and will only see them if he’s at my house with them for the whole day or I take them up to his family’s about 2 hours drive away (haven’t actually been invited by his family).
I think I’m being more than reasonable as he’s very verbally and emotionally abusive. I can’t have him in my home anymore, previous xmas’ I have. I don’t want to spend the day with his family and him either. He hasn’t a home the children can visit as he stays somewhere by his choice children aren’t allowed.
I feel terrible about telling my kids that daddy’s not seeing them on Xmas Day and I absolutely know he will tell them it’s because mummy didn’t let him.

OP posts:

tiktok · 13/12/2018 18:30

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order

Fee is £215 but many ppl get help with this. Form for a CAO is C100 - you can see it online.

Starlight456 · 13/12/2018 18:43

Why are people pushing for CAO.

A CAO. Only means Rp has to make children available for nrp? How does that help?

GreenTulips · 13/12/2018 18:48

The thing is she always asks me but why? And why can’t he? And why can’t I arrange it?

'You need to ask daddy about that'

Branleuse · 13/12/2018 18:59

The thing is she always asks me but why? And why can’t he? And why can’t I arrange it?

I dont know my love, I offered him to come to nanas but he cant. Im sure he has his reasons and will see you another day. Dont you worry, we will have a lovely time.

CottonTailRabbit · 13/12/2018 19:11

I speak as the child of a bad marriage.

Nice adults pretend that chaotic abusive adult is not chaotic and abusive. Yet child has eyes and ears. Sees and feels the bad effects. Child knows nice adults are nice therefore they wouldn't lie and say a "bad guy" is a "good guy". Result? The wrongness must be in me, the child, somehow, by child logic. But how? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my world? People say one thing but my senses tell me something else. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Like travel sickness of the mood.

Start being truthful in an age appropriate way.

Her dad is abusive. He actually gives no fucks about seeing her at Christmas. She is anxious. Yet apparently she will be gutted that he won't see her. So somebody has been lying through their teeth to her about him, right? No wonder she's anxious. You say he loves her. She experiences something else. Is this what love is? Is this what she will expect from love later?

Lying about love and abuse does not help her.

Helpisneeded13 · 13/12/2018 19:27

Going against most the pp, and it's
Not that I don't agree with them, it's more the fact that you should try your hardest ( which sounds like you have and more) to come to an agreement for the sake of you and your child. Court could say that you have to alternate Christmas's to come etc.

And if you read other threads, your see how much they struggle with that.
I wouldn't want to spend Xmas with my ex when he's being difficult, but is there a reason he's giving?
Like he want to see dd open gifts etc, if so give him an additional hour. He may not actually stay the whole if he can feel so unwelcome.

Also explain to him that his attitude and threats are making it difficult not to worry there will be tension on Xmas day.

MissSusanScreams · 13/12/2018 19:37

I would be honest with her too. Tell her the age appropriate truths with no lies or bending the truth to hide things. She’s not an adult but she still has eyes and ears and will be getting the impression that daddy doesn’t like her and that his approval is worth having because he is a ‘good guy’.

This is the main reason we don’t see MIL and her husband anymore. I didn’t want to have to lie to my child about what an utter fucking bastard he was and make pretend that he wasn’t a manipulative drunken cunt who’s good opinion was worth nothing. His own daughter is so anxious for him to love her (he’s not capable because he’s a narcissist) that she is severely depressed. Because all her life she was told the lie that daddy was a good man and nice and just a bit sad.

I know this is a different situation but she will be better armed for the future when she has to navigate her relationship with him herself.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/12/2018 19:48

I wouldn’t spend money applying for a CAO. It gives him more power as it’s all about giving him contact. Which you already do.
On the other hand you can’t actually force him to have contact. So even is on his contact days set by a CAO if he decides not to turn up you can’t force him to. It’s pointless waste of money.

I second pp who said they’d tell your dd the truth in an age appropriate manner.

I always did with my dc otherwise they grow up resenting you. Thinking well dads this fabulous wonderful guy even mum says so so the shitty person must be her.

Tell her daddy has been invited to come see her at nanny’s, but he said no.
If she’s asks why, say you don’t know. And tell her you love her and nanny loves her and discuss how much you’re going to enjoy Christmas.

Not bad mouthing your ex doesn’t mean putting him on a pedestal for your poor child who then wonders why this fantastic amazing man doesn’t want to see her despite being so amazing.

GreenTulips · 13/12/2018 19:56

CottonTailRabbit

Good post

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 13/12/2018 21:06

This is a very interesting point that I haven’t thought about quite like this before. That by saying he’s ok, means well or whatever doesn’t tally with the awful behaviour she sees and puts up with and so as a couple of you have said will make her feel she must be wrong somehow. I will definitely change how I approach this with her and be more upfront and matter of fact about him when explaining things to her.

OP posts:

CottonTailRabbit · 13/12/2018 21:32

Good luck. I hope you have a very merry dickhead-free Christmas.

tiktok · 13/12/2018 22:20

OP, just to clarify....a CAO is not needed or beneficial for everyone. But in some cases it does clarify, and enables managed expectations. If there are concerns, the court can order supervised contact only and specify who is to supervise and where. It can also protect the RP and the children.

What it can't do, of course, is compel a NRP to behave well and reliably. But if the order is for (for example) Xmas afternoon from 2-4 at whatever place, no one can insist it should now be longer hours somewhere else.

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