DD has no daddy and its breaking my heart... advice please x

[clothears]

I have no idea how to 'bump' threads but Im hoping someone will dip in here and read my message.
Briefly I got preg during a breakdown from which Im fully recovered. I chose to end the relationship I was in and continue with the preg. I simply was not/am not in love with her father and so I didnt was us trapped in that situation.
My dd father saw her a few times when she was born but for the last 2 years has consistently said that he does not feel he can be involved because its too emotionally painful for him. To be fair to him - he already has one seperated family and he may yet meet someone with kids etc and it would just be so complicated for his other kids who are at sensitive ages anyway. There is no way he would have time to be involved in my dd life anyway. So, he has been consistently absent in her life BUT consistently supportive in mind. He always asks how I am (but not dd) and he recently gave me his leather settee cause I really needed a new one. He does support her financially and has never back tracked on this at all. He says the same thing every time it comes up 'its just too painful'.I know he still loves me.
OK to the point... My dd has recently been pointing at random men and saying 'my daddy?'. Totally TOTALLY breaking my heart that I chose to give her a life without a father. What on earth do I say to her.... umm well actually darling you dont have a father!! No way, I cant do it. Im totally lost - Please Please help

You just type bump and it goes to the top of active convos for a few seconds - hopefully long enough for someone to notice.

You are in a horrible situation - I can't offer much advice because I've not been there, but perhaps you do need to explain to her that sometimes daddy's aren't around but that she is well loved by those round her. Is there a male role model in the picture?

cloth - I can't help you personally but I have a friend staying with me right now who is in a very similar position with her 2.5 yo ds. He is asking who his daddy is, and his (useless arse of a) daddy wants nothing to do with him, claiming it's all "too difficult" for him. Poor lamb. I don't know what she's going to say to her ds, but I will ask her tonight. In this case the dad won't provide financial support either. Today her ds said "are we going home to see 'the father'?" (meaning, were we going back to my house to see my dh) - he seems to have quite a good grasp of what's going on, given my ds calls his mum 'mamma' on the basis of her having been here for two days!

I just used to tell DS1 I was his mummy and his daddy roled into one, he jusr kind of accepted that....to the point where he is only just asking about his dad now and he is nearly 12.

There is only one way in which to deal with this in my opinion and that is to gently tell her how it is.

i'm not sure i completely understand your situation but, your dd does have a dad and he is supporting her financially and supporting you emotionally....? i don't understand why it is too painful for him to see her. is it not painful for him not seeing her?

i don't think you should say to her she doesn't have a dad cos that's clearly not true, you could just say to her everyone has a dad but hers doesn't live with her

All of your messages are really helpful. I probably havent explained clearly cause Im typing through tears and upset.
He always hope we would get back together - I always said no. He gave up asking about a year ago - after he stopped seeing dd. He never took her out, it was a broef visit here and there when she was newborn and didnt mean anything to her. I have had some really hard times and he has always been a friend/support. He is in no way her dad/daddy and I worry that telling her she has a daddy now will alter her expectations of the a role REAL daddy will eventually play in her life - when I eventually meet someone. I dont want to say she doeswnt have one either cause ehat if she feels different to others, excluded. I had a similar upbringing so I guess that makes me a little sensitive. He will never be involves, is not on her birth certificate etc. I despair of myself, that I chose this for her. She deserves a daddy. Ive even pondered trying to make it work with him so that she can at least have a bash at a normal life. We only ever dated for a few months and dd was conceived 3 months fter we spilt up and I was recovering from my then fiance walking out on me. All very traumatic. Gosh - Im so scared about creating emotional problems for her. I had 3 years of therapy which only ended this year and I never want her to have to go through that becuase of a decsion that i made.

Thanks sleepcat. I dream of that outcome for us. He isnt mentally ill at all, he is a company director and works very very long hours He has hos 3 children from 3pm on wednesdays every week to 8am on thursdays and from 3pm fridays til 8am mondays every other week. He simply doesnt have the time to be involved with dd, and I do understand this. He doesnt want to tell his other kids because their mum has just had another child and they are so terribly confused with everything that has gone on over the last 3 years - bless em. I love them dearly and dont want to disrupt their lives just to satisfy my own issues - hope that makes sense.

If you would like a different perspective, I will give you one. My bilogical father left my mum early pregnancy. Has never had anything to do with me. I have always known from very early that I didnt have a dad. I do remember a time in primary school wondering why and would often ask my mum. I cant remember exactly what she said and just grew to accept that the way it was.

You say xp has other children my bd also did and we did unite together for a short time when I was about 18, but by that time I did not want anything to do with him.

I do not feel cheated but I do firmly believe in a family unit if at all possible due to my experience. Only you know best for your dd. Children are very accepting. My mums situation was very difficult, but your daughter will grow to understand. At 34 I have still not made contact with him, but on the other hand he has not made contact with me either.

I think that you can still explain the situation as has been suggested in previous posts. If you find someone in the future, who she can call daddy, that's perfect, but that doesn't mean you can put the explaining in hold or pretend the new daddy is the long lost other daddy.

I don't know how old your child is, although from your post I believe very young. If so, explaining at this age may have some advantages: they are not expecting or need very complex answers, some simple and easy to understand explanation mey well be enough to help them cope for the first few years.

Hope that helps.

And no, you don't have to tell her it was due to lack of time!

I would want them to have a relationship but Im a realist and I know it wont and cant happen, for the reasons ive already said. I do accept that this situation will probably have a good outcome but my concern is the decision that I need to make now to ensure consistency and honesty as far as possible. she is 2.4 and would not grasp too much at this stage. when she says daddy... Ive no idea how to respond. I know this will change as she gets older and her understanding improves but its right now that concerns me. She has an Uncle who is my very best friend. Not a real Uncle just someone she sees alot of. Thats too scares me because she has to say goodbye to him alot (he lives miles away) and I worry what that does to her. she gets really funny when its goodbye time, no tears but very withdrawn - what have I done?

i don't understand the no time thing. could she not be included in the time he has with his other kids??

By good outcome I mean that I will meet someone and we will all live happily ever after!! Thanks sleepcat - its weird but I always thought lack of time was a good excuse. Not sure why i think that. I asked him about this situation directly last night by text.... he said 'i know what your saying... there are lots of people in your situation though and their kids just adapt to their surroundings... Hey Ive got a date tonight, wish me luck x'
Hmmmmm GIT.
Other people, their kids, my situation - as if he has forgotten he provided the sperm

I agree with him not to tell the other kids as they have had to face so so much recently. Its not fair just yet to put further pressure on them. They are 16 (and expelled after divorce), 11 and 8. Not good ages to introduce to much confusion

i suppose he thinks if you have said you don't want him involved, he's trying to distance himself from you and talk to you as though he is not directly involved. he's probably trying to protect himself from getting more hurt, if he does still love you.

was he married when you had your relationship?? don't answer if you don't want, just trying to understand the situation

I like snugglebumnappies style

Besides, I know a person who was exactly in the same position you are with a girl in the same position your DD was. (girl was my age so no longer a girl!) Anyways... what I'm trying to say is that although a busy person (very succesful businessman and politician) he made the time to spend with her, without mixing up the 2 families at all, and... she had a father.

My sister has a friend who has a very good relationship with his father, and another friend who is the daughter of the wife of the same father. They both are in their 30s, don't know about each other and don't know they are half sisters even when they have met each other at Uni. I'm not going to say this is an optimal situation, you are very aware about all the issues attached to it, but what I am trying to say here is, it may not be optimal, but it may be possible and even positive.

His wife had already started a new relationship with someone else and though they shared a house the divorce was about 2 months from complete when we first met. As i say we only dated briefly and I ended it cause I didnt see it going anywhere, then he kind of rescued me a few months later, one lot of sex under the influence of heavy duty prescribed drugs later and I was pregnant, Having preveiously believed I was infertile after many years of trying to get pregnant this was a miracle, so I kept my longed for baby - but at what cost to her? check out our photos - she is so precious. she saved my life but can i save hers?

Thanks sleepycat - speak soon x

Poor you, you sound so sad but really you are doing the very best for dd. There's nothing to regret.

Just a few thoughts here - you wont be able to tell dd that she has no daddy for very long. Children learn from very young that babies are made by a mummy and a daddy and she'll soon be asking how you made her. So perhaps it would be better to tell her that she has a daddy but he doesn't live near. If she asks why you can tell her that lots of girls and boys don't live with a daddy. If she is very curious perhaps show her a photo of him in a casual way while making it clear that he is not an important figure in your lives. (e.g. Look dd - this is a photo of the daddy that helped me to make you. He's a nice smiley man, isn't he?)

Children do accept any situation completely happily as normal as long as you present it to them as happy and normal. Make your situation into a positive for her. Tell your dd how lucky you both are to have such a special little family of just the 2 of you because it means you have lots of time and love for each other.

As regards dd's dad. Remind him that when she's older she may take it on herself to seek him out and turn up on his doorstep. If he wants to be able to look her and his own family in the face perhaps he should stop thinking so much about his own pain and start thinking about how he can lessen it as the years go by for dd. My friend's son found out he had a secret sister when the secret dd started emailing her dad. Son now furious that the lie has been carried on all these years.

Honesty - nearly always best policy.