DD has no daddy and its breaking my heart... advice please x

[clothears]

I have no idea how to 'bump' threads but Im hoping someone will dip in here and read my message.
Briefly I got preg during a breakdown from which Im fully recovered. I chose to end the relationship I was in and continue with the preg. I simply was not/am not in love with her father and so I didnt was us trapped in that situation.
My dd father saw her a few times when she was born but for the last 2 years has consistently said that he does not feel he can be involved because its too emotionally painful for him. To be fair to him - he already has one seperated family and he may yet meet someone with kids etc and it would just be so complicated for his other kids who are at sensitive ages anyway. There is no way he would have time to be involved in my dd life anyway. So, he has been consistently absent in her life BUT consistently supportive in mind. He always asks how I am (but not dd) and he recently gave me his leather settee cause I really needed a new one. He does support her financially and has never back tracked on this at all. He says the same thing every time it comes up 'its just too painful'.I know he still loves me.
OK to the point... My dd has recently been pointing at random men and saying 'my daddy?'. Totally TOTALLY breaking my heart that I chose to give her a life without a father. What on earth do I say to her.... umm well actually darling you dont have a father!! No way, I cant do it. Im totally lost - Please Please help

if it helps I'm in a similar position without thepain but will face a similar dilemma because I adopted my son as a single woman. How will I explain to him that I chose to bring him up wihout a Dad? I'm not sure yet but I meet regularly with a great group of women who have all chosen in various ways to bring children into their lives wihout an active father and I hope to learn fro mtheir example asmy DS grows.

There is a great book called "Single Mother by Choice" which is American but you can get from Amazon which although it deals with deliberately choosing motherhood whilst single does have some good chapters on talking to your child about the lack of a father in the family.

Shimmy - I love your message. Its a great plan and I one I will use. I will have to preactise because it reduces me to tears that anyone would choose not to be near her, she is such a lovely girl. I am always telling myself how lucky I am not to have to share her but had forgotten that this means she misses out. I will practise being positive and will indeed use your wonderful words. Thank you so much. Mumsnetters to my rescue yet again.
Kewcumber - such a lovely story that you shared. I think the main difference is that I actually know and have regular contact with her father despite his not wanting to know her. Im feeling that maybe I should discontinue contact so that Im not betraying her?

"Im feeling that maybe I should discontinue contact so that Im not betraying her? "

What about getting to include her instead?

You can get him to see her without her knowing if you think is better for her not to know him, but at least it would give him the opportunity to reconsider his position.

TBH, I don't buy the lack of time excuse, I suspect he is afraid of getting attached to her. He has other children, he knows it will happen.

IWIIM - I agree with what you said but he wont agree to it. I tried to make him see we could all meet up on the weekends he has the kids, just two friends meeting up who have children. He wont do it because he says that when he finally meets someone - or i do that the new partners would not be able to be involved and then you get resentment and arguments and the contact would stop anyway. I guess there is a part of me that agrees. Im so sorry to have moaned on about this - its weighing me down and I really needed to be heard - thanks to everyone for listening and responding x

It sounds to me a bit as if he is punishing you. He is refusing to see his (your) dd because you decided not to be with him? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. He sees his other kids, so why can't he see your dd? Ok, perhaps it is not the best time to tell his other children that they have a half-sister but, as Shimmy says, it would be best if he tells them sooner rather than later in order to avoid hurting them in the future. Maybe he doesn't want his ex wife/partner to know about his child with you as she could give him aggro about it? On the other hand, although it makes no sense to me, I do think that some men think they can avoid emotional anguish by just pretending things didn't happen. It is possible that it really hurt him to not live with his other kids and he thinks that by not getting to know your dd, he is sparing himself some pain. The don't have time reason is not valid, just an excuse - something could and should be worked out. Except he perhaps wants weekends free for dating. If he finds someone to love, are they not going to have children together? Either way, he is going to have to explain to his new love about his complicated relationship history, children. Perhaps another reason he doesn't want to be in your dd's life is that he doesn't want to explain about your dd as well as about his other children in case it puts a new love off. My dd's father doesn't see her and tells me that, as they have never known each other (he and dd) they will never miss each other. It's rubbish because he knows that dd will be aware of her friend's Daddies and will wonder about him. He is being selfish, head in the sand, protecting himself, not thinking about her. He lives a 4-hour drive away and I understand that it would be difficult for him to see her every other weekend but once every couple of months would be fine as long as it was regular and consistent. It is a shame that couples break up and some children don't have proper Daddies who live with them but I believe some contact, even if it is infrequent, is appropriate and beneficial. I think your dd's father could do the same? I agree with Shimmy's suggestion of showing her a photo. I have done this with my daughter when she kept pointing at the Daddy Gruffalo in 'the Gruffalo's child' book and saying 'Mummy'. She didn't mean that I am a Gruffalo , just that the child was with her Mummy. So I showed her a photo of her father and said this is your Daddy. She accepted it but we'll have to play it by ear going forward.

Thanks skyatnight. Im exhausted with all this thinking! I so apprecite all you have said and you have hit the nail on the head about the reasons for his avoidance. I think Im going to revisit this another day after some much needed shut eye. Thanks again to everyone. x

I was thinking about this this morning and there is no question, your dds father should see her. I appreciate that you are concerned about his other children but your primary concern is your own dd. His other children are going to have a new half-sibling when their mother has her baby. I think they would accept that they also have another half-sibling, your dd, if it is explained to them in the right way. Yes, they are distressed about their parents splitting up but it is all about how the matter is handled. You seem to feel guilty about your dd not having a proper Daddy. I empathise with this. I found it a huge dilemma whether to go ahead with my pregnancy. We were engaged to be married and the pregnancy was planned, and then he changed his mind. He told me it was too soon, if I had a termination we would be fine and we could try for a baby again later. I was 36 and thought if he can let me down like this, I can't trust him not to do it again and I might never have another chance to have a child so I went ahead - but only after terrible stress and anguish (he kept changing his mind and asking for another chance). I really didn't want to be a single parent and was worried, and still am, about how it would affect my child. In a way, you have the added pain of knowing that you chose not to be with your dds father and I think he is playing on your guilt a bit. He should have contact with her but there is no law to say he has to and it could not be enforced if there was. The emphasis in the media seems to always be about absent parents who don't pay maintenance. This is a very important issue but there seems to be no shame in fathers not seeing their children. Sorry to go on about this, I'm not the most subtle of people, but I suppose the parallel with my situation means that it is almost like therapy for me to post on threads about this subject. But I think you know your own situation and don't wish to push things with him. You are probably right to not put pressure on him, just maintain the friendship. You are more concerned about doing the right thing for your dd. Please try not to feel guilty. I know it's hard but there are thousands of people in similar situations and the children can and do thrive. Your dd will be ok if you are ok and I'm sure it is better for her to have one happy parent than two parents in a bad relationship. I would definitely not tell her that she has no father but be honest about who he is and that he just doesn't live with you. And, as Shimmy says, just have a light touch about it - this nice smiley man is your Daddy. She will ask more questions as she grows up. I suppose it is a bit like having an adopted child. I am two years down the line. It is tough. I also lost my Dad when dd was 10 months and my Mum died when I was 17. But I have other family and things are gradually getting better and I am getting stronger and dd is fine. Dds father says he wants to come and see her but nothing happens. I just have to hope he reconsiders some day. You are still in contact with your child's father, so there is hope. If you meet someone else, then maybe your dd will have another proper live-in Daddy one day but she only has one father and that will not change. Thanks to anyone who bothers to read this long diatribe! Best wishes.

Thanks so much for your input skyatnight.I hope that by maintaining a friendship with dds father that one day he will change his mind and get to know her. I went to bed so angry with him last night but feel calmer today.
I plan on using the words that shimmy gave, guess it wont be long. x

Hi clothears, I'm in a similar position, my dd's 2.5 and has recently started asking about her father who I've had no contact with since I was pregnant. I think it's really important to remember that at this age they are just asking about everything to sort out what's what around them - it doesn't have all the emotional baggage that we feel when they ask. I'm trying really hard to give basic but factually true answers without making anything sound too 'heavy' - and I'm sure that at the moment my dd's more upset about not having a cat or a rabbit! Like Shimmy says, if you treat your situation as normal and positive then she will feel that it is, and she can face up to the complexities when she is old enough to understand.

My ds has never met his dad. When I was temp nannying (for a family I've known since before I had ds) when ds was about 2 he spent the 3 weeks calling my charges' dad "daddy". But, he also called their Mum "mummy" and my youngest charge (also 2yrs) was calling me "mummy"! It was very confusing!! At that point, for my ds, the word "daddy" was just that, a word. It didn't really have any meaning to him. Now he's nearly 5 and asks frequently about his Dad.

The Dad I just mentioned passed away 18months ago when ds was 3.4. In the last 6 months or so ds started telling people that his dad is dead and I have to keep explaining to him that his dad isn't dead he just lives somewhere different to us. I am permanently feeling guilty about his absent father but that doesn't really help ds so I try and think of the positive things that I bring to his life, like playmobil etc!!

I totally agree with telling the truth in a way that they can understand. At some point it is quite likely that your dd will cross paths with her half siblings and the longer it stays a secret the harder it'll be for everyone.

It's really frustrating when you know how wonderful your child is and the absent parent doesn't want to be a part of it. Just think, you get to have your dd all to yourself and don't have to share the hugs!!

Mogs0. Thanks for this. I know your all right - im one for planning ahead and cause of my own problems I guess Im over compensating to prevent problens for dd.
I have made myself strong with the knowledge that I dont have to sha hugs etc but to the point that I dont date, and actualy I had never considered how bad it might be for her that she doesnt have 2 parents. As you say its just guilt the whole time. Im sure it will get easier x