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Original poster

One Night Stand

61 replies

Lizadork · 05/11/2018 23:32

At 15, I was an idiot and very emotionally damaged. I got pregnant on purpose by a one night stand. I can't excuse it. I won't. My past is just what it is.

Now 22, I have a 7 year old and I have Facebook details for my ONS. We never spoke again after that one night. I am not sure what to do. I feel guilt. I am in a better place but I haven't fully come to terms with what I did and how it impacts us all. Not sure if telling is more about me than what is best for them.

I don't know what to do.

I've kept my ONS a secret for years. My parents think a jerk broke my heart.

OP posts:
CandyCreeper · 06/11/2018 00:04

I personally would leave it. How old were they?? 15 aswell??

universe00 · 06/11/2018 00:19

So he doesn't know that he has a child ?? Of corse you need to tell him!!

Original poster
Lizadork · 06/11/2018 00:33

He was 18

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 06/11/2018 02:22

I think it would be good to tell him, your child is his too.
He might be really pleased, you never know.

Notacluewhatthisis · 06/11/2018 03:12

I think, given it's been 7 years you can afford to take a little more time to consider things. Like why you want to tell him now, what it might mean, what happens if he isn't happy, what happens if he is and wants to share custody of her, how you will feel about it all, how she will and all those things.

A couple of months isn't going to make a huge difference after 7 years.

Notacluewhatthisis · 06/11/2018 03:13

Oh and you need to think about being honest with your parents. If your ons, gets involved in your lives and your parents find out you lied, will that be ok?

yakari · 06/11/2018 03:21

I agree after 7 years, a few more weeks won't hurt. Really think all this through - what do you want? what might he want (or not want)? what would your son want?
Be prepared for ever option in terms of his reaction - happy, angry, utter silence, happy then angry, involved then walks away. Frankly the simplest outcome is just happy to find out, gets in great with your son and is respectful of your set up - whole host of alternative options could be the reality.
What does your son know/think? Ultimately you should let both of them know the truth but the timing is not dependent on suddenly finding the dad on Facebook

ThursdaysChildHasFarToGo · 06/11/2018 03:33

I think you should tell him, for practical matters such as past medical history of him
And his family that may impact the health/future health of your child if nothing else.
It takes two to make a baby, unless you were seriously underhand in getting pregnant even at 18 he couldn't reasonably think that having unprotected sex with someone may not lead to pregnancy and a child. I don't think you need to go into the ins and outs of it with him, your parents or your child in that case.
After 7 years it'll be a massive shock for him, he may take a long time to come round to the idea, but I think he deserves to know that he has a child.

ThursdaysChildHasFarToGo · 06/11/2018 03:37

FWIW I had a friend who has a son, didn't know she was pregnant (or completely blanked it out until she went into labour) and didn't know who the father was. Her son seemed fine, had a good job etc and at 30 suddenly went off the rails and blames her completely for how she raised him and him not knowing who his father is. They are now NC and she's devastated.

Rachelover40 · 06/11/2018 04:35

That is such a sad story, ThursdaysChildHasFarToGo. I can imagine how devastated your friend is. However, her son is 30 which is, of course, 'grown up', but a few more years may result in him being more understanding. When you've been around the block a few times, you learn that not everything is black and white or fair and humans are just that, human.

ArnoldBee · 06/11/2018 04:48

Do you want maintenance from him?

Notacluewhatthisis · 06/11/2018 07:05

I don't think you need to go into the ins and outs of it with him, your parents or your child in that case.

I think that's a bit unrealistic. Her parents think some bloke got her pregnant, broke her heart and fucked off and left her and their child.

They are going to understandably angry and confused if he tips up and all seems well. They did be worried it will happen again.

I also imagine they will be hurt to have been lied to. If OP is going to pursue this course (and I think she should) she is best been honest. Her child is old enough to ask questions and wonder why their dad wasn't around.

MrsRhettButler · 06/11/2018 07:10

You can tell your parents you were ashamed it was a ons and so lied about him hurting you.
You really don't have to admit that it was on purpose. Everyone makes mistakes and you were 15! A child yourself.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 06/11/2018 07:26

You really ought to tell him. Both for his sake and your child's. They have a right to know about one another, and to build a relationship with one another if they both want to. To deny them that opportunity would be wrong.

You made a mistake when you were 15. What you did was very wrong, but we have all been young and made mistakes. You aren't 15 any more, so the choice that you make now is a critically important one - who do you want to be, now that you are a fully grown adult and a parent?

anniehm · 06/11/2018 07:58

If you have the details of him, there's a chance he knows about the child. He should be told but you need to be clear about what you are saying, offering, wanting. Do you want him in your lives? Is it a case that you lost contact or have you been able to locate him for years - why the change now? He will assume it's for money unless you have your story straight. It is the right thing long term but consider the impact on your dc

ThursdaysChildHasFarToGo · 06/11/2018 08:38

@Notacluewhatthisis Agreed. I am referring to the 'planned pregnancy aspect' of the ONS not the ONS itself IYSWIM.

Original poster
Lizadork · 06/11/2018 11:21

I never lied about protection or was underhanded with it in anyway, simply we did not use anything. I had not gone out with the plan of sleeping with anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizadork · 06/11/2018 11:25

The comments are helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 06/11/2018 11:35

So he doesn’t even know he has a child? Wow that’s harsh. Of course you need to tell him, your child has a right to know who the dad is as one day they may want to find him/know him or was the plan to lie to your own child forever about who the dad is? Imagine telling your child when they are an adult you never told dad about them, that would make you sound awful

It won’t be easy but it needs to be done as soon as possible

Original poster
Lizadork · 06/11/2018 12:42

What has changed is the fact I grew up. I see things differently. Time, life and education has given me perspective. Honestly, I thought hiding from what I did would make it go away but every so often something will niggle at me about it. I regret.

A while ago ONS came up on my facebook friend suggestions too. We had lost touch.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 06/11/2018 12:54

Well hopefully when the ops child is an adult they may realise that 15 year olds don't always make the right decision.

That, that shouldn't define who they are for the rest of their lives and learn that sometimes you have to face bad decisions years later.

Pinkyyy · 06/11/2018 12:58

I think it would be a good idea to try and connect them, but of course this will be a shock to him and you'll need to allow him the time he needs to be able to process the information. He may well be delighted, but if he isn't interested in knowing his son (or you) then you can carry on as you have been

minmooch · 06/11/2018 13:29

Does the ONS know that it resulted in a pregnancy and that he now has a 7 year old child?

Do you want him to be involved in the child's life?

Do you need/want his financial input?

Original poster
Lizadork · 06/11/2018 15:18

ONS does not know about child. I don't know if I want him involved right now. Financial help would be useful. I think I'm a bit numb in what I want because I've suppressed the issue.

OP posts:
universe00 · 06/11/2018 16:18

@Lizadork it's not really your choice to make!
You can't suddenly pop up and tell him just because financial help would be useful to you. You need to do it for your child and more importantly because it's the right thing to do. Your denied this man of a child for many years he has the right to know and so does your child. I can't believe how selfish you have been it's not about you is about a child and their dad.