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Original poster

Advice needed re ex turning up for contact after 22months

29 replies

Anon2601 · 23/10/2018 17:02

My ex has not seen our 13yr old for 22months, I don’t have an address or contact number for him, he got the hump and cut off all contact with us in Jan 2017

He’s very controlling and manipulative, the last 3 months he’s been phoning children’s services making up allegations about me stopping him seeing his son etc, he did this again on Friday and social worker spoke to my son on the phone and asked if my son wanted to see his father and he said no

Today I had a message passed to me via ex’s father, that he will be round on Friday to see my boy, no contact details were left

I’m concerned over what’s going to happen Friday, If he turns up at my home on Friday what can I do? He’s already been informed by social worker that son doesn’t want to see him, what do I do?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/10/2018 18:27

Can you go out on Friday? If not, keep the door locked and phone the police if he starts kicking off.

MumUnderTheMoon · 23/10/2018 23:26

Tell your ex's father that if he wants to see his son then he must contact you directly. Send your son to a sleepover on Friday night and if your ex turns up then tell him that your son isn't in and you will make a legal arrangement regarding access. Get in touch with the social worker to get the ball rolling on a contact centre you have to be seen to be acting in your child best interests do not say no outright as your ex could try and claim that you are alienating your son from him. Tell the social worker that your child was hurt when his father stopped contact and that he doesn't want to see him as a result and that you wouldn't feel secure sending your child off with someone when you don't have their phone number or address.

Original poster
Anon2601 · 24/10/2018 05:42

Thanks for your replies, I received a Facebook message last night from him, via a 3rd party stating he will be at my home at 2pm to collect my son for overnight contact and will return him Saturday

I don’t finish work til 3, I’m really not comfortable talking to him face to face as he’s been violent in the past, there’s no reasoning with him, in his message he’s threatening me with police and social services,

OP posts:
ghostlygal · 24/10/2018 05:46

Yikes he sounds like a dickhead. Could you contact social services yourself and tell them you're scared of what will happen if he turns up? Your DC has already said they don't want to see him

FruitCider · 24/10/2018 05:58

If he's been violent in the past ring the police stating this and that you fear for your safety. Go out and stay overnight somewhere that day, he's trying to execute power and control over you so do not let him succeed. You have no contact details, no address, he's violent, it's not safe for your son to go!

Rogueone · 24/10/2018 08:10

Ignore his threats- it’s not a police matter and SS have already spoken to you and at -13 your DS can say no

Call Social services for advice - they have already spoken to your DS who has said he doesn’t want to see him. Ask them for advice on what to do now
Speak to the police as there is a real risk the situation will escalate when he turns up

Speak to your son again and ask if he has any interest in going with this man overnight- if the answer remains no then that is the message back to your ex. Nice and simple have discussed with ? and does not want to see you or go away with you so please do not come to my house

Any man that thinks he can simply send a message telling you that they are coming to pick up there son they haven’t seen for nearly 2 yrs without any discussion really doesn’t have his DC interests at heart he is doing this to show you he is still in control. He sounds like my dad who would suddenly appear after a year at our house and try and take us.....

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 24/10/2018 08:23

You have PR and the right to exercise this. You can just refuse contact and state that he seek legal advice and pursue through the courts if he wishes. The courts will not look kindly on someone who stopped contact for nearly 2 years and at 13 will very much take on board child's views. Also if the violence was directed towards you & documented you could be eligible for legal aid. However in reality I think it would be unlikely he would go to the efforts of court he's just wanting to control and manipulate you.

Social care do not generally get involved regarding private law matters they have absolutely no authority to direct parents regarding contact issues only court can do that (I'm surprised a social worker phoned your son). So let him threaten you with police & social care - if your account here is correct they will do nothing, please don't worry (I'm a social worker).

On a practical level as previously suggested here either lock the door and contact police if you feel threatened by his presence (they regularly attend what they would class as emotional domestics over contact where one party feels threatened). Or make sure you and your son are out of your property at that time.

MumUnderTheMoon · 24/10/2018 08:53

Will your son be home alone at 2? If so send him somewhere else or arrange to be home yourself. Contact the police and show them screen grabs of the message and any others you have and explain past history of violence. Also get in touch with woman's aid. If your son is usually home at this time and you aren't then it sounds like your ex thinks he will be able to get his way by putting your son on the spot while he has no back up. This is what worries me the most tbh.

Starlight345 · 24/10/2018 10:33

Won’t your Ds be in school at 2pm ?

Can you meet him from school and go out ?

Does he have pr? If so I would also speak to school.

I would also speak to solicitor. You should be able to get a 30 minute free appointment.

At 13 the courts will listen to Ds.

Original poster
Anon2601 · 24/10/2018 12:49

Thanks for all your advice, Son is on half term this week but have arranged for him to be elsewhere on the day, have spoken to police, who are sending someone out to speak to me,

OP posts:
Rogueone · 24/10/2018 13:20

Anon2601 glad the police are being responsive. Sounds terribly stressful for you and your poor DS

DiaryofWimpyMum · 24/10/2018 14:33

I'm pleased the police are being helpful. My ex used to turn up now and again but now one of my sons is 18 he gets the message that he's not wanted.

Hopefully your ex will do the same

rainingcatsanddog · 24/10/2018 15:24

I'm pleased that the police have responded quickly. 
I hope that they can contact him and make sure he stays away.

Rogueone · 24/10/2018 18:24

Was all ok Anon2601

Original poster
Anon2601 · 24/10/2018 18:40

Police not turned up Rogueone, they did say on the phone either today or tomorrow, but not holding my breath!

OP posts:
Rogueone · 24/10/2018 19:51

Well I hope they get round tomorrow

sparklepops123 · 25/10/2018 06:40

What a dick thinking he can just turn up nearly 2 years after no contact and thinking he can call the shots. Don't let him tell you what's happening,he has no right.

Starlight345 · 25/10/2018 12:18

Hope Police have visited and been helpful

rainingcatsanddog · 25/10/2018 15:31

I hope that you've heard from the police OP.

notapizzaeater · 25/10/2018 15:44

Can SS Tell him no?

Original poster
Anon2601 · 25/10/2018 16:08

Thanks for all your concerns, i’ve not heard from the police, I’ve had more messages today from him, told him ds doesn’t want to see him and to take me back court

OP posts:
Rogueone · 25/10/2018 17:39

I would call the police again and say your concerned for your safety.

MumUnderTheMoon · 25/10/2018 21:50

Don't just call the police go to your local police station and say that you'll wait until someone comes to see you tell them you have phoned and that no one has been to see you that you understand that they are busy but that you have concerns for your safety and your child's welfare and and you want to file a report. Show them all the messages you have received. If you can get someone to accompany you then do that call women's aid and ask if someone there can help you with the police.

Rogueone · 26/10/2018 10:43

Hope things don’t get out of hand today and your ex stays away

Starlight345 · 26/10/2018 13:15

Hope he keeps away today