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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I hope I am right

40 replies

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 21:14

Evening all.

I hope I have posted in the right place. Apologies if I haven't. I have posted about the children's father before but this I think is the last straw for me. Quick summary so I am not rambling:

Kids go to their dads every other weekend. Have done for years. Saw the kids the first weekend in August as normal. Then when he brought them back moaned about how the kids behaved down there and that they needed to respect things and other. The kids are 6 and 7. They know right from wrong. They aren't bad kids but they do push their luck. Show me kids that age that don't. I just yeah fine I'll have a word. Then he made every excuse to not have them until Friday just gone. So what's that, 8 weeks since he saw them. But whatever. His choice.

I've never ever stopped them going down. No matter what he says or does to me I've always made sure contact was kept up with. More for the girls than him.

This afternoon he texts saying I should of warned him about youngest and her bedwetting. She has done it twice in months so never felt the need to. I always have a mat on the bed just in case. Kicks off at me saying she has ruined a mattress and she sat on the couch but never said nothing. I never texted him back because he would never listen anyways. Kids come back and we start talking about their weekend away. To which my youngest breaks down in tears. Like hysterical crying. She said her dad had smacked her for wetting the bed. Then my eldest pipes up that it was 5 times and then he threw her into a corner and she banged her head. I calmed her down and explained I would talk to her once she was calm. She went into the living room and watched the telly. Eldest says that she felt sorry for her and it made her sad. Well that was my heart in pieces. I had to walk off before I cried in front of her. Something I have never done.

After a while I went and spoke to the youngest and asked her what happened at dad's this morning. She then went on to tell me her dad hit her on her bum 3 times and her legs twice and finally hit her head before making her bang her head when he put her in the corner. She said he asked her if she done it on purpose to which she said yes (which is bull because she's never done that on purpose she's just a very heavy sleeper and she forgets to go the loo in the night) and that's when he's gone for her. She also said she was sick once on Saturday and they had a day out then he made her go to bed and never fed her anything till sunday morning for breakfast. But fed her sister. Which yeah if she was sick all day i would of brought her home not done a full day out then had her have light things to eat and plenty of fluids but I would never starve her.

He has confessed to me before that he has hit the youngest while she was sat on the toilet for wetting the bed in the past and I told him if was to ever do it again I would stop them coming down altogether and he would see them in a centre for the rest of their lives. He said he never would.

My question is, well not a question but would I be wrong to stop them going down. He's always favoured the eldest child and pushed the youngest out and now he's had a new baby he's doing the same with pushing the eldest out too. Not doing anything with them when they go down. Making them stay in their room all day. He told me they are out of control. They need fucking sorting. His words. What road do I go down. I'm going to find a solicitor but I don't know who to speak to regarding his incident. Please help. I'm desperate to protect my girls and if that means I have to do so from their own father then by christ almighty I will.

Thanks for reading xx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fruitshot · 07/10/2018 21:29

What a crappy situation.

My instinct is to tell him next time he wants contact that he can jog on.

The rational part of me says you need to ask him to give you a call when he is free so you can discuss the weekend just gone.
Calmly, I would say to him that the kids have come back and are upset saying there was an "incident" and get him to tell you (do not lead him) what happened.

You know him better than we do, if you smell bullshit and you can't see any holes in the story from the girls,you again, calmly, explain that the girls have both recounted to you a totally different story, and based on that, you are ceasing the current contact terms whilst you decide what you want to do next.

Then it's up to you. If you don't feel that they are safe, then don't let them go. End of.

Sorry OP, this sounds bloody horrible.

fruitshot · 07/10/2018 21:31

You have the option to speak to child services about the incident. They can launch an investigation into your ex.
This would probably be a good avenue if you feel the girls are being truthful.

Not that I disbelieve your children, but just make sure you understand the impact on making the decision to go down that route.

indisdress · 07/10/2018 21:32

No, it wouldn't be wrong. To do anything otherwise would be wrong. I'm sorry your youngest experienced that, and that your eldest witnessed it, but it's good that she did.

What a disgusting excuse for a man, never mind a father.

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/10/2018 21:35

Wtf that is disgusting. Does she have any marks on her body? How hard did she hit her head? She may well need checking by a doctor to make sure there is no injury.
I would not be letting him anywhere near them.

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 21:45

Thank you for your replies. He's not the kind of man now to approach about said subject. He would try and turn it around on them or try saying it was a tap on her bum or whatever. She is marked and I have got pictures of her leg. It looks like 3 finger marks at the top of her leg. I can upload a picture if you would like and you can give your opinions on what you think it is. There is no breaks in the skin or bruising just red marks. I took them just before I put her to bed at 8.15 and she said it happened this morning. So I would say a fair wack for the marks to still be there this late in the day. Xx

OP posts:

indisdress · 07/10/2018 21:52

Where's the new baby's mum in this? Do they all live together? I wonder if she realises what he is.

flapjackfairy · 07/10/2018 21:56

I would report him to soc services because not only are your kids at risk so is his other child. This was way beyond acceptable .

fruitshot · 07/10/2018 21:59

Then, I think, if you have decided he is a write off, take the steps to make sure he can't hurt your girls again.
Go with your gut.

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 22:01

She was in the living room and this incident happened in the dining room. She does live with him along with her 2 kids from previous relationship/s. She is very prim and proper and likes things to be perfect so my kids I think annoy her. They aren't allowed down if they have a cold just in case they pass it on to the other baby. It's gotten worse since new baby arrived.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/10/2018 22:03

Personally I’d be contacting the police and social services. This isn’t just a parent losing their temper and smacking a child, he has repeatedly struck her with enough force to leave a mark and then shoved or flung her against a wall in such a way as to potentially cause a head injury.

You need to keep this man away from your children as he has zero control over his anger and there is the possibility that next time she doesn’t come back to you.

This is a crime and needs to be treated as such so that you can ensure he doesn’t get unsupervised contact again.

indisdress · 07/10/2018 22:07

And what do they do with her other two kids if they have colds??

Your daughters are so much better off out of that shit show.

And yes. Report him. For the sake of the other kids who have to live there. If I was the other kids dads, I'd want him reported and out of my kids lives where possible.

Powerless · 07/10/2018 22:21

Log it with police then cease contact. Then if you find yourself in court over custody, you have a paper trail.

Definitely keep them away from him x

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 22:22

That's what scares me the most. One day is he guna go too far with either or both of them. I've been angry with both to the point where I'm guna lose it but not once have I ever struck my kids in temper let alone left a mark. I wouldn't forgive myself knowing I'd done something like that. The only thing I'm sort of worrying about social services is I have a history of mental health and I wouldn't want that used against me if that makes sense. I fought depression for years but them girls were never neglected or abused. I maybe wasn't the most maternal mother back then but I sure met their needs every single day. I even took myself off meds because I felt I wasn't in my own mind. Never looked back since. I have the odd day where I'm down or fed up but I think that comes with motherhood and plus I work 2 jobs working 6 days a week and 3 nights to make sure they are supported financially. I thank you all for your replies so far and I am glad I am not being called out for wanting them to not go see him anymore xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 22:22

I'm not sure what happens with her two kids if they are ill.

OP posts:

MO2x · 07/10/2018 22:31

Poor girls hope their okay. Keep them safe with you!! Your not in the wrong at all your putting your baby's first.
Ring social services they can help you and put you into the right direction and sometimes (depending on your situation ie income etc) they can help fund solicitors and sort the paper work for you so your not stuck having to deal with this on a weekend and not sleeping when their at his because it isn't nice he only has contact when he can be arsed making time for the girls!!

I'm a woman with 2 baby's and if I'm in a deep sleep and dreamt I'm on a toilet I have wet the bed also (not often and is embarrassing) but we've all done it!

MO2x · 07/10/2018 22:35

And don't for a second think mental health can be used against you. Helps more your girls can speak for themselves an will openly admit your the best mum you can ever be for them. Also it was in your past and you delt with it, they are their to help not go against you an by the sounds of things youve worked pretty damn hard to overcome depression deal with a dickhead ex an STILL be reasonable over seeing the children and also work every hour god sends to provide for your family. Your a strong woman don't over think it xx

hiddeneverything · 07/10/2018 22:36

I wouldn't send them again as they are at risk of (further) harm

Pigletthedog · 07/10/2018 22:42

it is completely unacceptable to physically strike a child for wetting the bed.
It is not considered 'lawful chastisement' in any circumstances for an adult man to hit a 6 year old child so hard that 12-24 hours later she still has a mark
There is never any need to repeatedly hit a child on the head and body

Please report this to school in the morning and ask them to make a safeguarding referral (which they will anyways) to social services and the police.

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 22:44

I will get the number and give them a ring tomorrow after work. Speak to them and see what they say. I definitely won't be sending them again. I don't think youngest will want to now. To say his own kids are out of control what's that about. But whatever. It wouldn't surprise me at this moment in time if he never even fought me. He has his perfect family now and he doesn't have to travel to see them. Just go home at the end of the day. Which solicitors would I go see. I'm all for a paper trail and making sure I have as much evidence needed. Does legal aid still exist or is that called something different now? Xx

OP posts:

skintbutok · 07/10/2018 22:46

If somebody did that to me in the street, I would be contacting the police as I would have been assaulted.

If a stranger did that to your child you wouldn't be hesitating to report him, it's no different because he's her dad.

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 22:46

I think I will speak to the school aswell in the morning. Because I know she will say to her teacher what happened. They have an idea he is a pain in the arse. It's not the first time I've had to speak to them like that. She has had a few injuries while in his care like falling down an escalator because he never held her hand (she was 3 at the time) and last year he took her to a friend's garage and she fell down metal steps and needed her head gluing. So I have always took her the doctors and had a record there and told the school aswell. Xx

OP posts:

Jagblue · 07/10/2018 22:48

Hi maybe if you suggest they don't visit for a while as you would prefer to get the bed wetting sorted as she is a sound sleeper.
Just give excuses, they have a cold etc. Your ex may want to keep away and you are giving him an out.
I will take your dd to the gp with the excuse of bed wetting and log the incident about him smacking her.
I wouldn't let my kids go again unless it's court ordered. It doesn't sound safe.
Also depression isn't a black mark on your parenting.
Talk to the girls about how they feel about the visits with their father.

Original poster

Stressymam · 07/10/2018 22:49

Yeah I see what your saying about contacting the police. Would they see it as assault or just tell me to go to social services and let them deal with it. I'm still so angry but heartbroken aswell. I know it's abuse whatever way you look at it. And I feel shit I sent her there for that to happen.

OP posts:

Pigletthedog · 07/10/2018 22:51

It's an assault.

There would be a joint investigation by child protection police and social services.

Pigletthedog · 07/10/2018 22:53

It's not your fault at all, but now you need to deal with it appropriately; tell school, ensure they make the referral, work with social care and police, follow their advice about contact while they investigate, and then seek legal advice for long term

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