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Original poster

He's run off with all the &€£¥# school uniforms

54 replies

Hullabalooo · 24/09/2018 03:17

My DC started school three weeks ago. I bought the school uniform including 7 shirts, 4 school jumpers, 5 pairs of trousers and umpteen school socks.

His dad has him one night a week and EOW and in such a short time due to him not returning stuff we're now down to three pairs of socks, two jumpers and two shirts and three pairs of trousers.

I cannot afford to buy more yet want to avoid communication with ex if possible as he's been so unpleasant in general. What do I do? Anyone else had this issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabalooo · 04/10/2018 14:09

Thank you all for this. I haven't gone quiet on it. I'm just thinking through all the replies and working out what to do.

I've mentioned it to the school and planning to 'place mark' with a domestic abuse solicitor for reference. I need to think further about it all really. Ex has gone very quiet so I'm wondering if he's planning to take me to court god knows why though but that would change things for me and dc anyway.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 04/10/2018 14:16

Are you taking a photo of him and
Listing what he has every day he goes to school that ex collects?
I agree it’s neglect, I’d be doing the letters etc then withdrawing contact weeknights with a written explanation , assuming I could manage yhe additional childcare .
Poor child, poor you Angry

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 06/10/2018 08:29

Thanks @timeisnotaline

OP posts:
Starlight345 · 06/10/2018 08:37

I would at this point refuse to allow him to collect from school . Meet at a mutual place and inform him why .

I know you don’t want the stress but this is full of stress too with no ending

drspouse · 06/10/2018 08:41

Can you send non-school clothes in their school bag (nothing precious) - would they be old enough to change quickly before pickup?
(And if they are like my DS, leave every one of their 3 school jumpers in their tray).

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 06/10/2018 16:22

Dc is too young to change himself at school unfortunately. I will start photographing what he's wearing though. Ex has stopped emailing or responding to emails so have asked for legal recommendation to consult.

OP posts:
Cachailleacha · 06/10/2018 16:34

How does he change for PE? Wouldn't hurt for him to wear old clothes he is growing out of, as long as they are still warm, clean and comfortable, to go to his dad's.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 06/10/2018 17:13

They haven't started pe yet in his year as so young. I do aim to put him in the older stuff for the days he goes from school too ex house.

OP posts:
Frouby · 06/10/2018 17:28

It's fucking shit and have been there. Won't bore you with the details but he used to collect dd from childcare and once kept my new Mcclaren pushchair for 2 weeks, just to be a cunt.

After that incident I stopped leaving it at nursery. He was raging having to walk a 2 year old all of across the road for the bus home. Nursery was a 20 minute walk from my house and 6 fucking times I had to walk there and back for the 2 weeks he had it.

He also kept every item of clothing I sent her in for a month of collecting her, returning her in aged 12-18 month old clothes.

In the end he got a solicitors letter stating he needed to return all my clothes, and provide his own for his contact time. He never did so I bought a stash of charity shop clothes for contact times and then when they ran out, sent her in clothes she was growing out of.

As he collects from school I would tell him to either return the uniform or he will have to collect from you or someone else, and provide his own stuff.

It's really really shit and a very common problem. But eventually at about age 4 or 5 dd started complaining to him about having nothing to wear while at his and he was forced to buy stuff for his contact time. Make it his problem, not yours. And eventually dd stopped seeing him as she saw what he was doing.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 07/10/2018 13:15

@Frouby sorry to hear that.. that sounds really tough. What is it with these men and control!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabalooo · 07/10/2018 13:17

Just screwed up the courage to email ex about returning school uniform to me and have received a response accusing me of antagonistic half truths and denying any issues.

I know I'm always triggered by contact with him but I find this really upsetting. What am I supposed to do with this?

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 13:45

Ignore everything personal.

Reply saying "I'm not engaging in an argument. This discussing is related to school uniform so keep it within that". Then include a list of each uniform piece which has not been returned, and tell him to return it by X time.

If he replies to that with anything other than "yes" then you go back to your solicitor and have them request the return or the charge for the amount.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 13:45

*discussion

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 13:48

Or, if someone can go with you, tell him you will be coming round at X time to collect it yourself.

sunsunsunsunsun · 07/10/2018 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 07/10/2018 21:54

He's just returned two shirts, two jumpers, three pairs of school socks, a pair of school shoes and three pairs of trousers via a family member. He tried to convince them I'm mad at the same time. Really disheartening. But good to have clothes for school tomorrow.

OP posts:
MintyJones · 07/10/2018 22:01

A couple of points worth considering ... is school uniform absolutely compulsory at your primary? They're generally not. All I'm thinking is that on the days his father collects him, you put him in, i dunno, very cheap straight joggers in the same colour as his uniform trousers. Think of swaps that look similar but aren't his uniform. You could speak to the school and advise them too

I'd also consider popping up the school on the days his dad collects him to just quickly pop him into other clothes. This all depends on a few factors though - how close you are, whether you want to do this and if you think it'll just cause confusion

You could also stockpile a few second hand bits. Ask on your local selling fb page or go into the school - they often have second hand sales with very cheap bits and pieces.

Alternatively just send him very matter of fact messages stating uniform you have missing and please could he return it ASAP - probably the best one in the circumstances.

butterfly56 · 07/10/2018 23:01

Good for you OP standing up to him about the school uniform.
Try to get angry with him instead of feeling nervous or anxious.
It's a mindset thing....and it's really empowering once it kicks in!

This happened to me once I had had enough of being totally reasonable with him and just being on the receiving end of his vile behaviour.
I thought well if he's treating me like shit I might as well give him a proper excuse....so I started being far less reasonable and refused to talk to him except via sparse email and only about things to do with the divorce.

It drove him mad that I would not talk to him by phone(I used to get an ear bashing that lasted for hours). I got my landline taken out.
Bought another mobile and put my old sim card in an old phone and left it switched off.

When he cottoned onto the fact that I was not picking up his messages I told him that I had lost the phone!!

I know you need to be in contact for handovers of DC but stick to email only no phone calls....that way you have a written record of everything that has been said and he cannot wriggle out of it.

Join wikivorce website...it's a great forum for helping people going through divorce. It will give you some confidence to deal with it all.

I understand how stressful it is but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Good Luck OP you can do this! Flowers

mathanxiety · 07/10/2018 23:25

That is a good outcome.

Is that all the clothes?

Send an email 'memo' to him acknowledging receipt of what you have. List each item, colour, size.
You can use the wording
'This is to acknowledge receipt of:
x,
y,
z...'

Then tell him you want the rest (if there are more items) and that you expect delivery asap.
Again, list each item that is outstanding.

Be prepared to send a solicitor's letter and also to suspend visitation.

Try to find out details about bedding, toothbrush, other clothing and footwear for DS when with his father.

As Starlight345 says, I know you don’t want the stress but this is full of stress too with no ending

drspouse · 08/10/2018 10:15

is school uniform absolutely compulsory at your primary? They're generally not.
Yes, they generally ARE. Maybe you are lucky enough to live in a town where they aren't but I don't know many that are "not absolutely compulsory". In our area, we have one village one-form-entry where they aren't and then at least 10 other schools with 1, 2 or 3 form entry where they are.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 10/10/2018 17:54

The uniform is compulsory at this state school so no way round that. I've labelled everything but doesn't seem to make a difference. God it's all so bloody stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabalooo · 10/10/2018 17:59

He's just requested 50% custody on top of all that!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 10/10/2018 18:03

tbh Your ex doesn’t know how much school uniform you purchased / so just send a letter advising you have no school uniform left so unless he returns the items ds won’t be able to wear uniform to school and this will cause problems for ds

Then EOW get ex to take him in on Mondays and overnight on the weekday

That way he has to send him back to school in uniform

ivykaty44 · 10/10/2018 18:06

Glad you have clothes back

I would seriously do the Friday after school to Monday morning and one night mid week that way he will do more and you don’t have to worry about the uniforms going walkabout

mathanxiety · 11/10/2018 05:47

You will need to talk to a solicitor and wait to see what else he says on this matter. He may be blowing hot air to teach you a lesson.

Do you still have that photo of your DS in the clothes that were several sizes too small?

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