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Original poster

Dad wants to change contact, where do I stand?

63 replies

Croatia2018 · 22/09/2018 21:25

Can anyone help me please.
Myself and ex aren’t together when I was pregnant we arranged for him to have LB every Friday night as with my job I have to work a lot of hours after normal office hours and during this one night a week Friday 6:30 to Saturday 1pm I can get all my work done and then spend quality time with LB. ex has now informed me that he wants to have LB every other weekend, ex states that LB does not see enough of his siblings (who he has every other weekend) I’ve always told ex he can have LB all day on a Saturday so he can spend more time with siblings, ex sees his other children on a Monday and Wednesday at his nans house I’ve also told ex that he can take LB there as well so he can see more of his siblings which he has never done. Ex has not said that from next week he will be having LB every other weekend and basically like it or lump it. Where do I stand on this, if ex has LB every other weekend this will really impact upon my ability to do my job. Every Sunday and Saturday afternoon is mine and LB’s time together where I do not work if this changes I won’t be able to spend quality time with my LB every week as I’ll still have work to do in mine and his time, legally where do stand?

Help please!

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Original poster
Croatia2018 · 22/09/2018 22:40

If that’s the case this is going to impact upon my time spent with LB as it will go from 1 full day every week to 1 full day every other week? I’ve always said to ex that he can have him on a Monday and Wednesday when he’s sees his other children so they can spend more time together however he has never had him then

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Original poster
Croatia2018 · 22/09/2018 22:43

So if I went for EOW and 1 night per week he would be responsible for childcare? Would a court say no because he has to find childcare and I theoretically already have childcare in place?

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Doyoumind · 22/09/2018 22:54

No one can give you definitive answers as it comes down to the judge/magistrates on the day. They are unlikely not to award contact on a particular day just because he doesn't have pre-existing care in place.

You could propose Friday night, Saturday day, Monday night and Wednesday night. It doesn't sound like a great solution for a young child though, being passed around so much.

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 22:55

Once again - this is shit BUT it really isn’t what’s best for you.

You have a kid. And now you have to hash out what’s best for the child with both patents. It’s shit.

Go through the courts and get a situation that’s fair to all

Quartz2208 · 22/09/2018 22:57

The Friday/MOnday/Weds proposal is not what is best that would have him never spending more than 2 nights anywhere

One night in the week (say Weds) and EOW is feasible.

I suggest you say that to him if its EOW he needs to do the Weds (would that solve your work issue)

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 22/09/2018 23:12

That’s what I’m thinking if he has him 1 night in the week that will solve my childcare/work issues on my weekend and he would have to arrange childcare this might free my mum up for 1 day as well as she also works but is helping me out because childcare fees are so expensive

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Quartz2208 · 22/09/2018 23:13

Then say if he wants it that is what you want and if not you think it should go via court. EOW and one week night will get signed off

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 23:17

Why do you think he needs to do best for you? Confused

He doesn’t need to do anything in your favour. Get used to it quick!

Dona compromise or set it in stone with court. You don’t own your son

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 23:17

Do a **

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 22/09/2018 23:30

Thank you everyone, that’s what I will say to him, I don’t think he needs to do what’s best for me I think he needs to what is best for our son, I have never kept our son from him and have said to him multiple times he can have him on the other days when he has his other children, if it goes to EOW I will go from seeing my LB one full day a week to one full day every other week however if he has him during the week this will free up a day at the weekend one full day every other week would impact upon my child who has had this arrangement in place from him being 6 weeks old. I’ve never once said I own my son neither does my ex partner, I have given him multiple opportunities for our son to spend more time with him and his siblings however he has never taken these opportunities. Nor do I need to do anything for him this is a two way street, if he was to have him during the week as well as posters have previously said is usually what a court agrees this would allow me to spend the FULL weekend with my son which I know he would love

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Graphista · 22/09/2018 23:31

As a social worker how did you not already know this was standard contact arrangement?

What time does your son go to bed? Can you work in the eve when he's in bed? Are you managing your workload as efficiently as you can if you're effectively having to do an extra day every week? Are you needing more support from work?

I know there's problems with a shortage of social workers in some areas, unfortunately a court/judge won't look at it from that perspective, they'll look at it from what's best for the child and a lot of to and fro is not what's best for the child.

Graphista · 22/09/2018 23:35

Would ex having him eow and Monday's be an option? And on his weekends has him overnight takes him to childcare and collects him for Monday eve and you collect him Tuesday eve as usual thus giving you Sunday eve to work too be any help?

There's also the possibility if your ex asked for it, that a court could award 50/50 contact. That's becoming more common.

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 23/09/2018 00:36

Social workers do not deal with private law (family law) only public law it isn’t the job of a social worker to be involved in custody matters between parents. CAFCASS deal with private law. I do work in the evening for a couple of hours even then there is still work to do, this is the job of a social worker. The majority of social workers work evenings and weekends to keep on top of their cases unfortunately there isn’t enough social workers in the country to deal with the high volume of children and families that need social services interventions. I would be more than happy for ex to have LB 50/50 however I don’t think ex would want this, I also don’t think ex would want to have him 1 night during the week just every other weekend, I’d be more than happy for ex to have him EOW as well as any night in the week as this would allow me to spend time with my LB for a full weekend however I don’t think he would agree to the 1 night in the week, I think he may find finding childcare to difficult

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pumkinspicetime · 23/09/2018 01:38

Find another job OP, I say this as an ex front line social worker. It isn't a job that works with young families unless you have a lot of support. There are other more family friendly choices out there, what your ex is asking for is pretty standard.

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 23/09/2018 10:34

Does anyone know what courts usually grant on birthdays, Christmas, special occasions etc?

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Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 10:36

Few cases actually get to the judge giving orders - most are sorted out by the barristers and people involved and then they sign off the orders.

So its about what is best for the child whilst remaining fair and equal and compromise on both sides

Doyoumind · 23/09/2018 10:50

As PP said, the process in court is usually that you negotiate your way through the details outside of the actual court room and the court will rule only on what you can't agree on. You don't turn up and say "start from scratch and come up with a detailed plan please judge". You have your own ideas and proposals about what you want and where you will compromise organised in advance. What do you think is fair for your DS? If it's truly fair either your ex or the court will agree.

SD1978 · 23/09/2018 11:03

Unfortunately access is granted but can't be enforced. What he requests is what would be granted. You can't force him to have his child, but you can be forced into contact that is beneficial only to him, allegedly in the best interest of the child. I find the EOW set up pathetic. Congratulations on seeing your child a whole 2 days. Go you dad of the year.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 11:09

I find it odd that as a social worker you dont know that. Family Court will often have 5 or 6 cases listed in a day but only one will actually be evidence in front of the judge the others will be direction hearings when the negotiated orders are signed off

I have to say I always think EOW and one night a week is a good plan - one parent gets 4/14 the other 10/14 - the child knows where he lives and is resident at but still get consistent contact with the other. If it could be 1 one week and 2 the next even better

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 23/09/2018 11:14

This is how is feels that it’s more beneficial to him than our son, 1 night a week was what we agreed when our son was 6 weeks old, I’ve always asked him to spend more time with our son however he never has, I’ve always said to him that I wanted our Lb to spend more time with his siblings but he’s never wanted to have him on the other days/evenings when he has his other children, if it was to go to EOW he would be only seeing his son every other week, our son is quite young how can it be better for a young child (under 12 months) to only see his dad every other week. In regards to what is fair I think my interpretation and the legal process and what is usually granted are very different so I have no idea what would be classed as ‘fair’

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Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 11:16

BEcause it should come with a one night a week

To be honest I think you have to say its EOW and one night in the week for him or nothing

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 23/09/2018 11:21

A social worker does not deal with family law (private law) at all it’s like saying a person who designs houses should also know how to build houses, if I have to go to court with work I’m usually in front of a judge, a social worker isn’t a solicitor

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Doyoumind · 23/09/2018 11:22

What is generally thought of as fair is: EOW plus a night or two during the week, alternating Christmas in some way - either half of Christmas Day each or the whole of Christmas Day alternating, some kind of contact for NRP for birthdays, share of holidays once they get to school and before that a couple of full weeks a year.

It's not just about when you or he can fit DS in, it's about taking responsibility for his care. If you want your ex to step up and take more responsibility push for it.

I don't agree with PP who says that fathers always get what they ask for as some ask for things which aren't seen as fair for the child and get put in their place. They do usually get what they've asked for if they are pushing for more than 2 nights in 14.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 11:28

A person who designs houses would have an idea of how the house was built though even if they couldnt build it, when designing it they would take into account materials etc. If you are at county court you would be around all of this going on surely?

What do you actually want though I cant figure it out

Original poster
Croatia2018 · 23/09/2018 11:28

Id be more than happy for ex to have DS more during the week,I’ve always said to him that I want him to spend more time with DS however I think he will say he just wants him EOW with no nights during the week

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