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Original poster

Can't get past Xs girlfriend

32 replies

clare3009 · 11/06/2007 06:05

Am having another moan, have been up since half 4 as can't sleep.
My X refuses to speak to me, when he brings DD home he refuses to get out of the car. He's "authorised" his girlfriend to speak to me about DD. The only problem is I can't stand her and don't see why i should have to discuss my daughter with her. I think it's really unhealthy for DD to see her dad talking through a PA, and not being able to see her parents talking rationally to each other.
All this because i told him to get a job...
She told me last night that they were sorting contact out and to wait for a solicitors letter. Which i don't get because he has contact, I'm genuinley terrified they'll apply for joint custody and take her away from me.
His behaviour is so childish and immature (he's 33 soon), and I'm struggling to cope with it.
I really lost my temper with them last night, tried to talk to him and couldn't get past her... so lost it even more. I know i shouldn't have but am at my wits end with it all.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 11/06/2007 07:22

He sounds incredibly immature and I wouldnt worry about him just back off a bit and dont speak for a while yourself. Dont try adn talk except if it is urgent.

As for joint residency what would your daughter want

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 07:25

My DH has a son and refuses to speak to his X. He doesn't like her and told her he only wanted her to contact him by text and not by telephone or face to face. This was 3 or 4 years ago. It may not sound like an ideal situation to you but from our point of view it has kept both family lives harmonious. She wasn't happy at first but now they correspond by text and only when its absolutely necessary. Obviously if it was serious they would speak. By communicating by text there is no sniping or strained conversations (i.e. get a job) which IMO would be worse for your DD. Don't know how old your DD is but she doesn't need to know that you don't speak to your X unless you tell her.

Original poster
clare3009 · 11/06/2007 07:43

She turns three soon and her speech is quite delayed. I'm already concerned that we're affecting her speech and this is just making it worse.
I've tried to communicate via text but she answers them as well.
I just don't see any need for it at all

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 11/06/2007 07:48

I am not sure why it matters who you communicate with really. So long as there is a channel open it should be kept to a minimum. Having said that I wouldnt want to communicate with Xs partner as she is a complete idiot with kids and knows nothing about them, but if it prevented me from ever having to speak to him again it might be worth it.

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 07:49

I don;'t see there's a great deal you can do here TBH. There's no way that I would respond by text to my DH's X. Even when he asks me to do it I feel uncomfortable. Do you really have a need to text him about anything, if contact and everything is sorted, is there a need?

persephonesnape · 11/06/2007 08:41

is there no other intermediary, like exes mum or somesuch? i don't think you're being unreasonable at all, he's being petty - and he should get a job!

BrothelSprouts · 11/06/2007 08:47

I think you're right that it is not great for your DD to see that her father will not speak to her mother.
Do you have anyone that could take your DD to your X's house for contact, and pass on any messages? Maybe a friend or relative - it would be great if it was someone impartial though.
I really wouldn't worry about threats re solicitors letters - particularly as you are already co-operating with contact between your X and your DD, and you are clearly a loving mother who is putting the needs of her child first.
He does need to get a job, and he does need to stop acting like a spoilt child, but that may never happen, so maybe it would be worth thinking of someone who can bridge the gap between you both - and who will make the girlfriend's clucking and meddling irrelevant because you won't need to deal with her.
Good luck to you and your DD.

moopymoo · 11/06/2007 08:51

ive found the least stressful way for all concerned is to rise above and not get involved with ex's pettiness. Why do you really need to speak to him? i realise you want to discuss developmental issues etc but as he seems to immature to deal with this then he prob wont be much help anyway. you sound (understandably) angry , and dd seeing this anger and you stressed is best avoided. i have just resorted to smiling sweetly at my ex when we do 'hand over' and moving on. once a pillock, always a pillock, youll never change him now. just try really hard to be civil to his gf, whoever, and distance yourself. easier in the long run.

Original poster
clare3009 · 11/06/2007 11:05

I've been trying to figure out why it bothers me so much and it's her. Before she was on the scene, we were quite amicable and very civil. She didn't want him to speak to me a couple of months ago and now she's got her own way.
I usually do rise above it and ignore them, but yesterday I just lost the plot completely. I hate childish behaviour in adults and avoid it at all costs. He wasn't like this when I was with him, and now I've got to for DDs sake. I'm just really struggling.
I asked him if he wanted to bath her before he brought her home in the week (I'm bringing her bedtime forward as her sleep patterns are changing) and his reply was "not makin any decisions till i see the solicitors letter". FFS. I only ever contact him if it's about DD. I don't want a bloody conversation with him

OP posts:
kel4mum · 11/06/2007 11:19

Hang on a minute, you had a child with your ex not his new girlfriend. You should be able to talk to him. He is just being immature. Tell him to grow up. I cant stand my ex and he was abusive, but i still talk to him reguarding the kids, there is no way that i would go through his new girlfriend. If you cant speak to each other cos of hostility then i would suggest that you go through a family member. Grandparents maybe.

anniemac · 11/06/2007 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anniemac · 11/06/2007 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 17:49

I'm sorry but I still don't see why you do need to speak to him, unless its urgent.

OrmIrian · 11/06/2007 17:50

But why shouldn't she babyblue? It seems extraordinary. If you share parenting of a child surely you have to be able to communicate on a reasonable level.

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 22:00

Yeah have to when really need to, I was merely asking what the OP really needed to speak to him about, is there an ongoing issue that needs communication or is she wanting to have communication randomly, I don't know, for example, if DD does something funny, or manages to do something on her own. I wouldn't have thought that would warrant communication.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 11/06/2007 22:09

Um, she needs to communicate with him because the only reason he is still in her life is because they have a child together. So they need to communicate directly about their child. That's what adults do.

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 22:12

Don't patronise me i'm not stupid and i am actually in a situation myself where DH has a son who lives with an x and as i said previously they only communicate by text when absolutely necessary, which is zero really. Like I said I was merely asking the question, which was to the OP and not you.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 11/06/2007 22:13

Ooh, temper temper

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 11/06/2007 22:13

Ooh, temper temper

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 22:14

Well don't annoy me by jumping in so quick with sarky comments.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 11/06/2007 22:15

Loon

babyblue2 · 11/06/2007 22:16

Can't be arsed to communicate with someone who passes judgement on someone who they clearly don't know. Hope the OP gets the answer she's looking for.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 11/06/2007 22:17
Speccy · 11/06/2007 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyblue2 · 12/06/2007 07:24

Speccy-initially when they first broke up but that was because she still wanted him and the discussions were not about their son. No for the last 3 or 4 years its been kept to a minimum. She sends school reports etc through the post and texts are just along the lines of 'x can't come at the w'end cos we're away etc'. DH does not like her and i don't know her feelings toward him. If they had to speak whether it be on the telephone or when DH picks him up it would be amicable. This is what works for us, though may not work for everyone. DSS has a family at home, someone he calls dad, mum, brothers and sisters.

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