Can't get past Xs girlfriend

[clare3009]

Am having another moan, have been up since half 4 as can't sleep.
My X refuses to speak to me, when he brings DD home he refuses to get out of the car. He's "authorised" his girlfriend to speak to me about DD. The only problem is I can't stand her and don't see why i should have to discuss my daughter with her. I think it's really unhealthy for DD to see her dad talking through a PA, and not being able to see her parents talking rationally to each other.
All this because i told him to get a job...
She told me last night that they were sorting contact out and to wait for a solicitors letter. Which i don't get because he has contact, I'm genuinley terrified they'll apply for joint custody and take her away from me.
His behaviour is so childish and immature (he's 33 soon), and I'm struggling to cope with it.
I really lost my temper with them last night, tried to talk to him and couldn't get past her... so lost it even more. I know i shouldn't have but am at my wits end with it all.

I am in agreement with babyblue here really. There is no reason to communicate unless contact times need changing or the child has a problem that will interfere with contact.

My communication with x is kept to an absolute minimum for very good reasons and is only around details of contact and by email alone. We never speak and I never see him.

i talk to ex on phone every other day for a general chat. i check what they're having for tea when they're at his house and vice versa so they don't get pizza two nights in a row ( not that they'd complain) we generally get on ok, unless he's being tho9ughtless and pisses me off, but i tend to get over myself so teh kids think we have a erasonable relationship.

it's shit when you think your parents loathe each other. mine did.

I would rather never ever speak to him ever again. I can't stand him. BUT we have DD and she is far more important than my feelings about him and vice versa. She's potty training at the moment and her speech is delayed.
My ideal siuation would be along persephonesnape's line because I think it's a sensible image to project to her, and that's what I used to have until his gf came on the scene.
He won't tell me if she's eaten, he won't say what accidents she's had, if any. Unless of course I ask his gf and I really really don't see why I should when DDs father is quite capable of talking for himself. It's such a childish image for DD to see and he's not showing her properly how grownups deal with their hangups, in that he's not being grown up. What is she supposed to learn from him?

Two people made, two people bring her up.

Clare, of course i'm sure in an ideal world anyone would love to have a situation where both adults can act in a mature way like that described by persephonesnape but if only one parent is capable of that and the other isn't then surely the best thing would be to lose any potential for animosity in front of your DD and find another way to communicate. I know you say you need to know things, but (and I don't mean this in a horrible way), don't you trust him to feed her and don't you trust him to tell you if there had been an accident? Surely if something had 'gone on' they would tell you. There is a possiblity that gf may become a more permanent fixture in your lives and although you say that you think it unhealthy for DD to see you talking to his gf rather than her dad, it probably doesn't even occur to her. She may have to learn her maturity skills from you but IMO I think you have to rise above any tension and either continue to speak to gf or dad if he's available or by text if you find that easier.

Babyblue, I do understand what you're saying I honestly do but there's a lot more to it.
He's just dropped her off after refusing to pick up her bag from my childcare provider(because he doesn't need it). Fair point however, DD has eye drops, savlon and a fungal cream in her bag. It's her property that she carries around. He knows what I keep in her bag and when I reminded him he told me to go fetch it myself.
Trying to score points over me again instead of putting her first. There is no need for it. I haven't been told what she's eaten (sometimes her appetite dips and she eats nothing), I've not been told if she's had any accidents. This is a civil courtesy between seperated parents and I'm sick of having to deal with it.
Sorry don't mean to rant but am really wound up. The tension makes me ill, I've already been on anti depressants because of his behaviour, and unless I can learn to cope with it another way I'll end up back on them.

I'm very sorry for you clare, i really am, but he isn't going to change is he. Don't let him get a rise out of you, the tension will stay until one of you relaxes a little and it really looks as though its going to have to be you. I really hope you can work it out and someone that is perhaps in a more similar position can give you some advice . Keep happy.