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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex partner wants to stop me taking kids abroad

58 replies

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 20:01

Just spoken to my exp,(horrible man)told him that i was planning to take our ds and dd on holiday next year as have been invited to a wedding abroad. My new dp's mum is getting married in Cyprus and he is giving his mum away. Of course we want to go and my dc are very close to his family and she would like them to be pageboy and bridesmaid. After telling ex our plans he went mental at me, saying that i couldnt take children abroad without his permission, and to make sure that it is not possible he will apply for a passport for dd as she hasnt got one yet. Ds has passport already. Is this true, need help, what do i do?

OP posts:

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 22:24

I hope so Aloha. I would hate to have to force my dp to do something that he is not comfortable with. tbh i am stilled scared of my ex. I dont want to have to go to court and dreg up the past. My ex once claimed that he could make my dp take a blood test to check if he did drugs. My solicitor said that he could ask but we could refuse but if it went to court then even though the would not make him it may go against me. It would look like i had something to hide. My ex knows all this as he has been through court for another child.(he was abusive to her too)

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 22:35

a lot of absent parents talk like this.... if he does go to court they will consider your dc's interests as the most important thing..... a lot of this stuff he is saying is probably just bluster. your job is to stay calm and firm re what is best for your dd. try not to let him bully you after you've done so well to escape his abuse. good luck.

Aloha · 10/06/2007 22:56

The courts take a very dim view of partners (esp abusive ones) who use the courts as a way of harrassing their ex. really, they do. My dh's ex got really ticked off for trying to deny him parental responsibility (his dd actually lived with him after they split up!). I think a judge would be able to see he was just on a power trip and chuck him out of the courtroom and award you costs. But that is clearly a lot of hassle
If he is serious about trying to stop you, apply for a residence order for your child which gives you the right to take your child abroad for up to a month without asking anyone's permission. See a solicitor.

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:00

Thats the thing he's always banging on about my dd he forgets that he has a ds. I cant believe what an arsehole he has been. I worry so much about my ds (7) he feels that his dad has forgotten him. He never wants to see his dad at all. My ds was also a target of verbal abuse. I dont know what to do about him. I have tried, I have been fair. I have never stopped them from seeing their dad but there is part of me that is scared that i wont be able to pick up the pieces after he messes up. My dp and i were talking last night that out of all my kids of which there are four, he will be the one who like me will most proberbly get depression. Ds is so sensitive and with having to watch what i went through must of been awful. I was so ill with depression that i was unable to protect them. I feel so crap about it, this man has destroyed the lives of all his kids and he will carry on doing so until they are old enough to say f* off. Wont it be to late by then? sorry i was rambling

OP posts:

kittycats2 · 10/06/2007 23:06

Hi i went throught this with my ex and i rung citizens advice and they told me that i didnt need his permission,but if i was going longer than a month then i did,she also told me just to tell him what my plans were and when i was going ect to to keep him up to date,she told me that he could take me to court but he would have to have a very good reason to,
ring citizens advice and they will send you a information pck on it all just for peice of mind.
hope this helps and dont worry about it just go and have a good time xx
re the passport it is only the person that has custardy(cant spell) of the children/child can sign for it as my ex a passport to take my daughter to disney land and i had to sign it and send it off he couldnt.

colditz · 10/06/2007 23:06

He hasn't destroted their lives - you intervened, you stopped him, and your kids nowe have a good life because of you. Hold your head up.

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:12

I am planning on ringing my solicitor tomorrow but i know that she is going to ask me to try and resolve this prob myself as ex has the fact that i took od's against me, even if they were brought on by his behaviour.

OP posts:

Aloha · 10/06/2007 23:14

tbh I think you need a new, harder solictor. Your current one sounds useless! if he's tryign to stop you taking the children on holiday, then you can apply for a residence order. Don't let him carry on bullying you you are worth more. leaving an abusive relationship is an act of huge courage, rescuing your children from it is heroic. You deserve a bloody medal!

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 23:17

you did that because at the time you were ill and suffering from his abusive behaviour?? how is that going to help him re objecting to your plans for a holiday?? he didnt contest that the children should be with you when you split up did he? if not then he can hardly turn round now and say you are unfit / not able to care for them can he..... or why would he leave them with you...... unless he is a bad father. dont get sucked into his crap. stay calm and firm.

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 23:17

hear hear aloha!

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:18

Can i apply for a residence order without provocation? Doesnt he have to be threatening me or something?

OP posts:

Aloha · 10/06/2007 23:19

Well he is threatening you - he's refusing to let you take your children on holiday!

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:23

He is always saying that i am an unfit mother for what i did. He called ss on me because of it. They didnt do much but interviewed the kids. They now keep an eye on our family. He called the police an got them to raid the house of his other ex(mother to his 3rd child) because he said that her new fella was a druggie. The police search her childs nappy. God knows what he would do to me if i anger him. This man is capable of anything.

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 23:24

no. you can just apply for one. a residence order is simply and order that specifies with whom a child shall live. a court would need to decide it was in dc's interests for an order to be made (yes, because it would settle the question and provide stability and would mean that as their primary carer you can take them on holiday.....).
all i would add is that if you apply for a residence order that may lead to consideration of the ? of his contact arrangements with the children..... but perhaps it would help them and you if that was settled too.....
good luck. you have no reason to fear his bullying now.

Aloha · 10/06/2007 23:25

He sounds appalling! Are you scared he will be violent to you? At the very least I would ask your solictor to write to him saying unless he gives his agreement for the holiday, you will go to court for a residence order. You can't let him prevent you going on holiday as a family. It's awful! You have clearly been very brave.

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:31

Thank tou for your support. I hate arguing with this man. I think that i will ask my solicitor about a residence order. I also think that i will ask the court to help sort out contact as my dc do desperatly need stability in there lives. Does anyone know or experience themselves of going to court for access when the non residence parent doesnt have set days off work. Can the court ask for him to see kids for weekend once a month say and his place would have to agree this? This is his excuse see to why he doesnt have regular contact.

OP posts:

Aloha · 10/06/2007 23:32

Court cannot make him do anything re contact, sadly, or impose anything on his workplace. Good luck with it all. I think the more there is set in stone by the courts, the less he has to bully you with, and that can only be a good thing.

controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 23:36

agree. and you staying firm and going to court may take the wind out of his sails and make it a little easier for you not to believe his bullying talk.

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:40

I will tell you something that only my dp and my ex dh know. When i say that this man is capable of anything i am not joking. I was still with ex, when i met up with dp. No i didnt cheat, we were friends. Ex didnt believe this so when i got rid of ex and he found out that i was now with dp , he told me that i deserved to be punished, so he raped me. God i cant believe that i said it. I havent told anyone else. It was a long time ago and before anyone asked i didnt report him cos he threatened to hurt dp, who i love so much. This was a long time ago. I know i was stupid not to do anything about it but i dealt with it in my own way, either way i cant prove it now. Please dont write anything horrible now as i dont think i could cope with it.

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controlfreaky2 · 10/06/2007 23:51

why on earth would anyone write anything horrible???
you poor thing. what a terrible terrible experience. no wonder you are afraid of him still. have you anyone in real life to talk to about this (apart from dp who may be too closely involved / feel bad himself about what happened to you)?
its never too late to report such a serious offence to the police you know but i wouldnt expect much good to come of it (sad but true). if he does anything at all to threaten / harm you or your dp now or in future you shouldnt hesitate to do so and / or to seek legal advice about getting an injunction to protect you / dp from him. you cant spend rest of your life / your dc's childhoods in terrible fear of this awful violent man.

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:56

Thank you controlfreaky2. I had to go and cry as ive never told anyone else before. Its such a relief. I was scared that people would say that i am a bad mother for still allow him to have contact. I would love to stop contact and have him out of my life for good but the kids want to see there dad and he has never laid a finger on them. No excuse i suppose, This man doesnt deserve children....

OP posts:

Original poster

kel4mum · 10/06/2007 23:58

Oh i have never spoken to dp about it, just told him what happened. He wont talk about it fullstop. You understand why these two shouldnt meet?

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 11/06/2007 00:04

of course they shouldnt meet.
how old are your dc's?
do you really believe thay are ok when they are with him as opposed to just hoping they are? would they tell you if there was a problem of any sort? are they scared of him?
what handover arrangements do you have? dont let him come to your house if you can possible arrange otherwise... why should you let a man who has behaved like this to you near your home.....
am feeling really really angry on your behalf now.
what a horrible horrible violent evil bully.
you must do what you think is best for your dc's..... but i'm sure you know that alkready. you've obviously been v v brave to get this far.
must get to bed now.... dont want to leave you high and dry.
are you ok?

Original poster

kel4mum · 11/06/2007 00:07

Yes going to have fag now, thank you so much for support, wish me luck with solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 11/06/2007 00:12

lots and lots of luck tomorrow.
is he / she a specialist family solicitor (are they member of solicitors family law association (resolution) / on children's panel?? (you can ask or look on letterhead).
can you talk to them freely and frankly and feel listened to? do you feel they are "fighting your corner" appropriately?

you need a good specialist solicitor to deal with a twunt like your ex and ideally one that you can confide in re your awful experiences..... doesent mean they will have to use this information (would need your permission) but unless they have the full picure it's hard to give proper advice.....

again. good luck. let us know how you get on??

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