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Original poster

Ex wants to use my house for access visits

38 replies

BelleBoyd · 11/09/2018 14:20

Following on from a thread I started on Saturday. I’ve told my ex that he can’t spend his time visiting the kids at my house anymore. He had been doing this every Saturday and Sunday and Ive now said he can see them every Saturday but has to take them out.
He lives in a place that children can’t stay or visit. He’s arguing with me that my house is the children’s house not just my house and he should visit them there where it’s comfortable for them and come wintertime he won’t be able to take them out as it will be too cold!
I’ve given him suggestions on what he can do but he’s adamant that he sees them at mine.
I just can’t get him to agree to taking them out. I’m going to put my foot down this time and insist he takes them out or doesn’t see them but this all seems madness. He doesn’t seem to understand this is unreasonable.

OP posts:
stoneriverpuddle · 11/09/2018 14:28

Stick up your guns you are doing the right thing. It is YOURS and your children's home, nothing to do with him. Let him spit his dummy out, if he really wants to see his children it doesn't matter where is happens.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 11/09/2018 14:38

He’s now saying he wants access to be 2 weekends with Saturday and Sunday and alternate weekends Saturdays. So that leaves me with 2 Sunday’s a month only with my kids. He won’t do weekdays.

OP posts:
SimplyPut · 11/09/2018 14:45

Offer a weeknight and a day at the weekend or alternate weekends. He can't have it all ways.

penisbeakers · 11/09/2018 14:57

He's being a prick. He should take his kids out, and just because it's cold outside doesn't mean he can't take them out. Oddly enough, there are restaurants and the like with central heating. He's being a skinflint arsehole.

stoneriverpuddle · 11/09/2018 15:00

Tell him no that's not fair, you both need equal weekends with the children. Offer every other weekend and a mid week visit.

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 15:12

You just say no. It is your home and he doesn't have the right to set foot in it.

The DC have the "right" to a relationship with them and you need to make them available for contact.

Stop pandering to him, stop discussing it with him. It is his CHOICE to refuse weekdays not your problem.

Offer in writing 3 Saturdays per month and one weekend at evening of his choice to be fixed (not changing his week) he can take you to court if he's not happy to accept this.

His CHOICE to live somewhere what're they cannot visit him.

Go grey rock issue your offer and he can accept or decline. Stop feeding him a way of manipulating and controlling your life.

You need a full weekend with your DC each month.

Rebecca36 · 11/09/2018 15:13

The children might not want to go out and you wouldn't send them out in a blizzard would you?

I don't understand why he cannot come to your home to visit but not both days at a weekend, just one. If he doesn't have a proper home to take them to he is a bit desperate really. He's your children's father and as such deserves some consideration regardless of what has gone on between you. Try and put yourself in his position.

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 15:18

If you've read the previous thread this man was controlling of Op hence he should not be allowed in her home any longer.

There are lots of inexpensive things to do at the weekend, walks, library, museums, drive - lots of options.

He could take them to McDonalds for "tea" once per week but refuses because he wants to invade ops personal space every weekend.

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 15:24

Put a bolt/chain at on the front door too high up or stuff/difficult for your 8 year old to open the door to him.

When he kicks off call the police out every time.

He turns up and hangs around at yours doing nothing with the DC as he doesn't want to be in his home....

Seniorschoolmum · 11/09/2018 16:06

I let my ex use my sitting room between 9&6 on Sunday’s but only because he lives 85 miles away and if I didn’t, my ds would spend every Sunday in a car on a motorway.
But that’s my decision and to be fair I usually go out or spend time gardening/running so I don’t see ex much.

If you aren’t happy, stick to your guns.

Mrsramsayscat · 11/09/2018 17:07

You CAN say no to him, and you don't have to care if he doesn't like the answer. That is what defending your boundaries looks like. It's a great habit to get into, and a good example for the children.

It's shocking that he seems to believe he can tell you what IS happening, as though you are one of the children yourself. He can do one.

Heartstones · 11/09/2018 17:20

It's up to him, not you, to provide a reasonable environment from which to parent his children.

If he's chosen to live somewhere the children can't be, then that's his decision which then impacts his contact.

He doesn't get dibs on your home.

I don't know if it's possible but what about a local contact centre? Is that an option?

naccc.org.uk/

Heartstones · 11/09/2018 17:24

Also he doesn't get to dictate the terms of contact when he can't even provide a home for them.

If he went to court he'd be sent back with his tail between his legs.

If he wants contact he needs to facilitate an environment where that's possible.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 11/09/2018 17:56

I’m saying every Saturday and once a month a weekend at his mums with the kids. Although this will probably turn out to be a weekend every 6 weeks or so in reality.
I think this is more than fair.
He won’t discuss weekdays even though I’ve offered them.
He’s saying he wants them 9-5 and I am worried about them being out for that long but if I let him use my house to lounge about on his phone with them watching tv nothing will change and I just can’t cope with that. I did suggest 2-6 thinking that time would be more manageable but of course he’s arguing with that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/09/2018 17:59

Stop arguing/discussing it with him.

You make the offer if he doesn't like it tough he can take you to court!!! Stop engaging with him.

What about you having the DC one full a weekend/6 weeks are you never going to want to take them anyway?

Offer him Saturday contact that you think is best for the DC and tell him he is welcome to mid week contact if he changes his mind. Statement of fact not negotiation!

Pebblesandfriends · 11/09/2018 18:04

I can agree. He's playing a game. Don't we negate. Stick be to our offer and engage a solicitor if he tries to get you to change again.

Starlight345 · 11/09/2018 19:35

Offer what you think appropriate.

Then leave the ball in his court tell him to take you to court if he doesn't agree.

Offer him what is reasonable which is the EOW on the off chance he gets himself sorted. It can be increased much harder to decrease it even if he doesn't take it up.

RomanyRoots · 11/09/2018 19:41

Reasonable s eow, don't communicate with him unless by email to discuss kids. Why is he even in your home.
What's the point in splitting if it stays the same, you've gained nothing.

Thebluedog · 11/09/2018 19:42

Stop arguing with him, stop giving him reasons or excuses

Just say no! Give him your terms, one day during the week and a Saturday or Sunday, or every other weekend, pick up Friday after school and drops off Sunday tea time. Whatever is best for your dc.

It’s up to him to decide, and not your job to fit in and around him or his circumstances. It’s not your job to provide a location for his visits to happen. If he doesn’t like it tell him to get a solicitor and you’ll let a judge decide. If he turns up outside of your given times, don’t let him in and tell him ‘no’ rinse and repeat. If he kicks off phone the police - rinse and repeat

Stop letting this man control you!

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 11/09/2018 19:48

He can’t have the kids at his place. He refuses weekday evenings.

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/09/2018 19:51

Just say no.

He should find a child friendly place.

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 19:53

What he WANTS is irrelevant you offer something reasonable that works for you and DC he can accept that or take you to court who then award him something like EOW and midweek...

RandomMess · 11/09/2018 20:04

Your obligation is to offer regular reasonable contact.

Tell him you have sought legal advice, tell him that the DC will be available for contact every Tuesday/Wednesday (which ever suits you best) and EOW Sat 10am until Sunday 5pm.

It is up to him to accommodate the DC. He can refuse to turn up.

However if he takes you to court (doubt he'll bother) they will see that you offered a very reasonable schedule and he didn't bother to have contact with the DC.

The girls have a right to weekend time with you without him. You need to think long term what is best for them.

Thebluedog · 11/09/2018 20:14

@belleboyd

He can’t have the kids at his place. He refuses weekday evenings

Just say no!!!! It’s not your responsibility anymore to sort his shit out for him. Tough didums if he can’t have them at his place or weekdays. If he won’t agree to what’s best for you and the dc (eow or one day a week and one day during the week) tell him you’ll let a judge decide’ DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN YOUR HOUSE EVER AGAIN! If he insists call the police and keep doing it and keep saying if he doesn’t like it, take you to court. Stop letting him control you like this. your dc need stability and routine. If he doesn’t turn up or has no where to go then he doesn’t see them. End of story.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 11/09/2018 20:29

Yep I’m sticking to my guns this time. No more access in my house. Agree with everything said above. His only choice is to agree to my (reasonable) terms or not show up. The rest is just posturing and bullying.

OP posts:
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