I'm exhausted. I just want to leave.

[CupidNeedsANewJob]

Single parent to a 5 month old. Split up with partner last month but he works away anyway so never really was around to help. Live with my mum but she's been away on holiday since Wednesday.
Just found out I'm pregnant while being on the pill, in no position to bring another child into this world especially not by my ex
But today at this very moment I feel like giving up. Running away, hurting myself or just laying on the floor and crying. I've cried pretty much everyday for the past week.
DD wants entertained constantly and only naps 3 times a day for 20-30 mins.
I. Can't. Do. Anything.
She's crying for attention constantly. My mind has gone, I'm so tired I can't even think. Plus all the extra stress from this unwanted pregnancy. Plus I am looking after 2 dogs and a 13 year old while my mum is away.
I can't cope. I'm literally about to snap. I want some time to just relax but I can't. DD wakes every 3 hours at night, even when she goes to bed at 7 I have to then make dinner for my brother and then take the dogs out, then wash up after dinner, then wash all DDs bottles.
I just want to have a bath and watch a film and sleep a whole night without waking up. I'm not coping and I also have to go to the clinic for a termination on Thursday. Which is something I never wanted to Do.
I'm fed up of my child. I don't even think I want to be a mum anymore. I hate my life. And right now I hate my daughter. And I hate myself for thinking this.
I'm just not coping and I'm worried I'm really going to hurt myself. I've just punched a wall already cos I can't take it anymore. She screams and I don't know for I look at her and I hate her. I never wanted my life to be like this, I never planned for my life to be like this. I hate it.

Sorry you're struggling, OP.

Your little brother is old enough to be helping you out here! He can walk a dog and wash up, surely? It's small, but it's a start.

And please speak to your GP/health visitor ASAP.

Do you have a plan for going back to/starting work? You clearly need a break or change in routine.

Who looks after baby whilst take dogs out?

Rosiesyellowdress I carry her with me. Unless I have taken them for a long walk in the day then I just take them for 10 minutes outside the front of the building while my brother sits in the room with her. That way, he can shout me from the window and I can come inside.

Letsgetouttahere he's old enough but doesn't do anything, he won't take the dogs out as past 2 days he didn't wake up til 3pm. It's a struggle to get him to sit in the room with the baby for 10 mins while I take the dogs out the front just to do the toilet.

I want to start back to work, I have to figure out what days I can do as my mum will be my childminder.

I will go to the GP. Thanks

That's not acceptable. You need to sit him down and explain that he has to pull his weight. Or call your mum and get her home to him. You have already hurt yourself!

You are tired, and have too much to cope with. Get your brother to help.
Do you have friends who could come and help with making dinner, or watching your daughter? Will it get a bit better when your mum is back?
Is your baby definitely crying for attention? If she cries constantly could it be reflux or something? It won't always be this bad or this hard.

I can relate to hating you life and it not being as you wanted. My life has completely gone down the shitter. I cannot believe I am living THIS life. I have become the type of person with the type of life that I always used to feel sorry for, give it a little shudder and be so glad it wasn't me.. However, it is what it is and I know I need to do what I can with it. It is very very hard though. You have my sympathy OP.

He doesn't listen much, my mum is home tomorrow night, she can deal with him

I don't know if it's just all the hormones at the moment that's making me like this, but I used to be a very calm person. I had alot of patience but recently I have none.

Cupid I’ve reported your post to MN as I think given what you posted you need some direction towards some urgent help/advice now.

Long since I had a baby and I don’t know what services are available these days other than GP, which won’t be open now.

Alwayssaynever I don't have any friends nearby as I have worked away every summer for the past 5 years, and moved around alot. I have people that I know but not well enough to ask that sort of favour.
It will get a little better when my mum is back but I still have to deal with the stress of this pregnancy, and also that fact my life ended up like this, it's shit isn't it.
I always said I never wanted to be a single mum, my mum was because my father died when I was young and I saw how hard it was. I was with my ex for 6 years and my daughter was unexpected(also on the pill again, it doesn't work for me we have established) I just found out he's been cheating, alot. And now he barely even asks about his child.
I don't hate her, I love her. I'm just in a terrible place and need time to breathe. I Just feel like I've lost control.
DDs crying is not a proper cry at first, it's for attention because if I give her it she stops. I play with her as much as possible, but she wants to be picked up alot. And I can't find time to eat or tidy up or anything. I have t left the house in 3 days to do anything nice (apart from taking the dogs out). Maybe I will try to go out tomorroe, maybe it will make me feel better.
I'm sorry for you also. Life is shit.

Rosiesyellowdress. Why? I thought the whole point of this website was to be anonymous and just for advice I am not going to hurt my child. And right now I am calming down as she is napping. I can go to my GP in the morning which I wad needing to do anyway

Do health visitors still not do fortnightly/months appointments up til 6months. As worth seeing about constant crying as at that age usually something else not attention ie one of mine cried soon as put down ended up being something to do wind even though I’d wind them.

The waking up every 3hrs is common it’s know to be exaggerated perceptions by some of the phase ‘baby sleeps thru night’

Yes they do come, but they are not very good in my area. I waited 6 weeks in between appt because they don't have enough staff apparently. I saw one last week, she came to the house but this was before I found out about being pregnant again and also before my mum went away. Like I said I was needed to go to the doctors in the morning anyway, so I don't know why you reported me

Where is your mum? Can you ask her to come home . Stop doing for your lazy 13 year old brother. He can sort himself out.

Take the dogs and baby out and get some fresh air .

Is there a baby group nearby. Talk to he too. You sound exhausted

OP Sounds horribly, horribly tough. But it WILL pass. Every day is a step towards things improving. A step towards your baby sleeping better, settling, and towards you feeling calmer and stronger. It may not feel like it now but you will get there.

To the posters suggesting your brother help, he is 13, he must be aware you’re going through something and may be frightened/feeling helpless, so don’t try to put any expectations on him, but by all means tell him a little bit - that you’re sleep deprived and struggling and need his help walking the dogs etc.

Sounds a good idea to go to the GP. Also enlist the help of your health visitor.

Hang in there.

OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed and down at the moment. Sending you a big hug.
Trying to be positive, things are going to get better fairly soon, aren’t they? Your mum will be back from her holiday, so she will share the chores and babycare, and be a comfort for you. She can also tear a strip off your brother for being so lazy and selfish!
Once you have had the termination you will not be dealing with pregnancy hormones or the tiredness and nausea that accompany them.
Your daughter will soon be much more fun - it’s less than a year until she’ll start walking and talking, and once she’s sleeping through the night you’ll be much less tired and irritable.
At the moment, you’re still in the tough bit of motherhood, but just hang on in there and it will improve, I promise. I was widowed with two babies and was exhausted, grieving and miserable, but my daughters are now my greatest joy.
Take care, OP. Be kind to yourself, and I hope you soon feel happier. God bless.

Firstly you’re not alone. Felt like I was reading about myself when I came across this post. On & off with my partner as work always comes first with him, 6 month old baby, mums away, and two child-like dogs, oh and(!) no friends/money.
I absolutelllyyy understand how this drives you (beyond) up the wall. Baby needs something and then one of the dogs and then when you’ve done that the other dog, and then you’ve walked away so babies crying again and then this and that and this. Drives you Insane i know.
Sometimes I feel like my hands are shaking from stress/anger or I just want to explode.
BUT although totally shit atm, this will pass.
Twice a day I take a long walk with baby & dogs to breathe at least. Your mum will come back soon.
Take your dogs for a long run off the leads so they’re tired, put baby to bed and then go and have a bath.
Honestly it’s so hard and so depressing but what can you do?
I believe in you

Oh this sounds shit.

My son is 13 and if I'm poorly or tired he has a sandwich or toast for tea with a yoghurt and an apple, he will do me a plate too. It's not the end of the world and it's good for them to help themselves and their family members. So this evening say it's a sandwich or toast tea. One less task for you.

I know you said you don't know anyone well enough to ask for help but even someone I don't know super well I'd happily hold baby while mum had a bath in peace. Don't be afraid to reach out to people.

Hope your GP appointment tomorrow goes well. Do be pushy if at first they say no appointments. Be clear it's urgent. Good luck OP.

Go and see your GP, it seems to me you have PND. I’ve had it twice, severely both times. Medication really helped me. Therapy wasn’t an option as I had no babysitters and tbh I was bordering on suicidal from it so I desperately needed meds.

I'm glad some of you understand. DD just woke up and I've given her a bath, now about to give her her supper before bed. She's smiling and cooing and I feel incredibly guilty because i know it's not her fault.
It's my fault, but I'm hoping in a few weeks my hormones will be settled, I can be back into a routine and my patience will return.
I will try to relax tonight, my mum is home tomorrow night Nd she said she will have DD for a night when she gets back so I can sleep. Hopefully things will get better. I was just angry at the time with how I'm not coping.

It's not your fault either.

And Rosie didn't report you because she doesn't support you. She just wanted MNHQ to help, maybe by signposting you to some organisations that we're not aware of. No one here is judging you, OP.

Ok, I wasn't sure if it was because she felt I was going to hurt my daughter or something.
I have spoke to my brother and we're going to get a takeaway, so hopefully DD will sleep soon, and I can chill for a bit before her first wake up

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like you are having a really bloody rotten time at the moment but you know what - things can only get better.

Your mum is back tomorrow and that will be a BIG help. Once you have had the termination you should feel like a huge weight has been lifted and your hormones should get back to normal. Once you've settled down after that have a chat with your mum about when she will childmind and look into making plans to go back to work. Just having a break from your baby even to go to work will help you feel like the old you again and should help you enjoy the quality time you will have with her when you're not working.

Glad to hear you're going to the GP tomorrow for some help. In the meantime we are here to be an ear and a shoulder to cry on. Or even if you just want to chit chat - use this thread. You've got this OP and things WILL get better soon.

Oh Christ OP! You’re doing amazingly - whatta plate full! Do call Samaritans or similar if you feel at crisis point. Well done for calming down - you’re a hero!

I remember this feeling of being totally overwhelmed.

Take one day, or one hour, at a time. It does get better I promise. My GP gave me antidepressants and referal to talking therapy. Hopefully yours will be helpful too x

This is so many things at once to deal with you are doing incredibly to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going well done! You are a bloody hero as a previous poster said. Anyone of these things on their own would be massive to deal with (breaking up with a partner/ learning their betrayal/ unexpected pregnancy/ small baby/ no sleep/ demanding dogs and brother) so don’t underestimate how well your doing. You are there for your daughter every hour of the day and that is amazing,
It’s so hard to be so strong and care for everyone else but that’s what you are, strong! This will mean you can and will have an amazing life after the dust settles from all this.

Your post made me cry, I can really relate to it. Even if you get out with the baby and meet one of your local sort of friends for a coffee it can make a huge difference. Big hugs xxx