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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Weekends are hell

53 replies

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:18

Every weekend for years is ruined by my ex. I’m at my wits end what to do. Tried every approach and nothing changes. He turns up at my house every Saturday and Sunday when he likes, hangs around not doing much with the kids. If I force him after a horrible argument to take them anywhere he does but at most for a couple of hours. I can never spend time with them or take them anywhere. I also can’t go out or if I do he just sits in my house on his phone whilst they watch tv. I’m so upset again at this never changing.
Feel completely trapped in this hell. The kids aren’t happy with it either and my eldest visibly shaken up every weekend by the chaos.
I tried reasoning with him to make proper arrangements, I’ve tried not allowing him to see them ( although I know this isn’t possible long term ) and nothing changes.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 08/09/2018 16:23

You’re being a bit passive and letting him dictate what happens every weekend, OP. I would plan fun activities or trips out with your kids for every second weekend, and tell your ex he can choose what he does on the alternate ones. If he turns up on the wrong weekend, just stick to your guns and go out anyway - tell him it’s all arranged and you’re not going to disappoint the kids. Up to him if he tags along with you or not.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:29

He refuses to do every other weekend. Can’t deal with him tagging along especially if he’s displeased! He’s quite abusive. Could try that but would still have alternate weekends hanging around my house making everyone miserable.

OP posts:

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/09/2018 16:33

er - don't let him in?

Or tell him he can come every other Saturday or Sunday. You will be going out. He cannot come in the house. The children will be ready at the door. Give him a list of suggestions.

Make plans for your Saturdays with the kids. Go out and do stuff. I wouldn't invite him along tbh.

ChuffingNorah · 08/09/2018 16:34

Don't allow him in your house OP. You don't have to. Of course he has a right to access to his children but he needs to take them out or to his home and then bring them back. Tell him very firmly what the new arrangements are and then do not let him across the threshold.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/09/2018 16:35

Well equally then you refuse to do every weekend. He is using this to control you and make you unhappy. The current arrangements are clearly not in the kids best interests.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/09/2018 16:35

He cannot expect to spend all of his weekends in your home. It is not his home any more.

corlan · 08/09/2018 16:36

He refuses to do every other weekend
That's tough - it doesn't suit you or your kids. Every other weekend is fair.

How old are your kids? Why can't they go to his house when he wants to see them?

SleepyMcEdie · 08/09/2018 16:37

This is ridiculous, why are you allowing it? Decide between yourselves what contact is going to be (probably every other weekend) and organise for him to collect kids at 6pm Friday and return them at 4pm on a Sunday etc.

Why on Earth is he hanging around in your house?

RosiesYellowDress · 08/09/2018 16:38

How old are the kids?

Have the ready with coats on by the door, don’t let him in.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:38

I really want to be able to do this but I’m frightened of what his behaviour will be. I have on a few occasions had them ready to go and not let him but he cries then or is abusive at the door and it’s really upsetting for the kids and me. He still on those occasions won’t give times or stick to timed arrangements. Plus the kids invite him in so it’s easy for him to take advantage. Hard to have them ready when I don’t know when he’ll be here or how long he’ll have them.
Having said that I’m desperate to claw back some control and make things better for the kids and me.

OP posts:

RosiesYellowDress · 08/09/2018 16:39

Do you have a friend or family member that could come round? Give u bit of back up.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:41

They can’t go to his house, he lives in a guardian property which is a bit like legal squatting for cheap rent. Children aren’t allowed there under his contract and it’s not a safe building for a few reasons.
They are 4 and 8.

OP posts:

OkPedro · 08/09/2018 16:41

What would happen if you refused to answer the door and allow him in your home?
You need to be firm and TELL him how its going to be from now on.
He can see them when he likes but he won't be hanging around your home or ruining your weekends with your dc

HairyAntoinette · 08/09/2018 16:42

Is it worth getting a court arrangement order so it's the "court's decision" rather than just you "being difficult"?

I'm going to research this option myself as I'm always scared to confront my ex due to his explosive nature.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:42

My mum has been here a few times for that reason but every weekend Saturday and Sunday mornings and afternoons would be too much to ask anyone. Plus I never really know timings.

OP posts:

OkPedro · 08/09/2018 16:44

Xpost with you op
I second a pp can you have someone with you when he calls?
I'd also be calling the police if he was being abusive at the front door

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:45

I have told him several times different arrangements I thought would work and several times disallowed him from coming in but it’s a constant battle and he ups the abuse when I do that.
I’ve thought about meditation and court orders but am really short of money yet don’t think I meet legal aid criteria plus I very much doubt he would stick to anything formalised or not.

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Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:46

Yes I’ve often said I’ll call the police but he’s gone before I can but not before a torrent of abuse and the kids in tears.

OP posts:

RosiesYellowDress · 08/09/2018 16:47

I think you need to also seek some advice that is no way to live that you are frightened.

My battery going so haven’t done proper search but give gingerbread a call they be able to point you in right direction or here’s a link to some other advice lines (one I know u can email)

www.gingerbread.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Support-for-children-and-young-people.pdf

It give list for parents not just for children

MJandKB · 08/09/2018 16:47

tell him he can have the kids for 3 hours on a sat & sun every other weekend and if he doesn't arrange something or want to take them no problem they can stay with you, don't allow him into your HOME! If he gets abusive ring the police. Your KIDS don't deserve to see this and if he isn't a Good dad why do they need him in there life ??? This is clearly effecting you and sounds like you would all be better of without

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/09/2018 16:48

I would get some legal advice and support

But you need to get serious about not letting him in

If he cries you shut the door and go out the back

If he is abusive you note it and call the police if necessary

The timings are the times you give him. Give him half an hour's grace. And hour if you must. If he fails to turn up, make a note of it, text him and say as you have failed to turn up I have taken the children with me and go out.

He'll have to take them to his family's, to macdonalds, the park, the cinema if he is choosing to live somewhere inappropriate for them to visit.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/09/2018 16:49

The while thing is a massive abuse/control thing. Try to see it for what it is. It will help your resolve.

sanssherif · 08/09/2018 16:50

Tell him he takes them out or doesnt see them.
Youre being too passive. Nobody makes you let him in except you.

grasspigeons · 08/09/2018 16:51

I really feel for you.

I don't know if you can look at contact centres and the children have their contact their instead of at your home?

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:53

Yes I can see it’s all about controlling me and ultimately stopping me have any kind of life.
I think that’s all good a dive and I’m thinking every other weekend a good idea but I’ve suggested this and he’s refused saying he wants at least one day each weekend.
Tbh the 3 hour slot every other weekend seems the best arrangement as it won’t mess up the whole day/weekend if it goes wrong but he’ll never argue to that.

OP posts:

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