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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Weekends are hell

53 replies

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:18

Every weekend for years is ruined by my ex. I’m at my wits end what to do. Tried every approach and nothing changes. He turns up at my house every Saturday and Sunday when he likes, hangs around not doing much with the kids. If I force him after a horrible argument to take them anywhere he does but at most for a couple of hours. I can never spend time with them or take them anywhere. I also can’t go out or if I do he just sits in my house on his phone whilst they watch tv. I’m so upset again at this never changing.
Feel completely trapped in this hell. The kids aren’t happy with it either and my eldest visibly shaken up every weekend by the chaos.
I tried reasoning with him to make proper arrangements, I’ve tried not allowing him to see them ( although I know this isn’t possible long term ) and nothing changes.

OP posts:

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 16:57

Yes thought of contact centres too but am thinking he’d have to agree to that or I’d be taking them there and him not showing up etc.?
He’s not shown up before to collect them when I’ve tried to arrange pick ups outside the house and it really upsets them but I know this all sounds like excuses. I need to make a stand and stick to it.

OP posts:

MJandKB · 08/09/2018 16:58

Tell him if he's not happy with YOUR arrangements then he can take you to court, a judge would laugh in his face he has no rights because he can't even provide a safe environment for an over night stay let alone every weekend! Tell him you sick and tired of the BS and you want to start living your life and not have it revolve around him!! Remember OP you have those children full time you are the person raising them and paying for them if he doesn't like it he can find someone else to bug at weekend

Ginger1982 · 08/09/2018 16:58

Tough. You've told him every other weekend so make next weekend his first weekend. Has he seen them today?

MJandKB · 08/09/2018 17:00

Don't tell the kids he is coming if he shows up it's a pleasant surprise if he doesn't then no ones upset. My sister never showed up for contact with her 3 DC so we stopped it all together. She hasn't seen them for almost 2 years youngest was newborn last time she saw him......

bastardkitty · 08/09/2018 17:01

You have completely allowed him to do this. That's the only reason it's happening. I understand you may feel you've backed yourself into a corner and he's difficult. You just need to tell him, preferably by text or email, that he's not having contact in your home any more and for him to arrange contact away from your home in advance. If he comes round, you call the police. Every time. Until he stops.

HairyAntoinette · 08/09/2018 17:03

I'm wondering if you can phone women's aid on Monday who might be able to offer advice or at least point you in the direction of a friendly local family lawyer to get everything in order.

If he doesn't show at the contact centre his loss. As PP said if he doesn't like it he can take you back to court... And will be reminded of initial agreement which he chose to break.

You can't live in feat and it sounds utterly shit that you can't even say "right kids, wellies on - it's bush tucker Saturday and we're going brambling" because you never know when his Highness will deign to drop by!

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 17:09

Yes agree with all of that. Will make it happen. He’s out with them at a playground eldest wanted to go to that’s quite far away and he was pissed off I refused to let him take my car!.. anyway they’ll be back soon.
I know I sound like a pushover and perhaps I have been but he’s a very manipulative as well as abusive and it’s hard to get out of these situations when you’re in them without upsetting the kids. Eldest suffers a lot from anxiety and I can’t bear to see her upset so that often stops me from putting my foot down. If it wasn’t for her I’d have done him some damage by now!

OP posts:

grasspigeons · 08/09/2018 17:10

yes if he doesn't show up at the contact centre, its not your fault. You did your best. I appreciate you have disappointed children to deal with, but have back up ready. At least you don't then have to deal with being abused and him hanging round your house.

bastardkitty · 08/09/2018 17:11

I understand that it's complicated and he's very manipulative. It's a really good idea to get some support for yourself to make these changes.

RandomMess · 08/09/2018 17:15

I would just give him a time slot fixed each week (school evenings for a couple of hours?) and tell him you will make the DC available for collection for him to take them out and that if he doesn't like it to get a court order for contact.

He will kick off he will probably fail to turn up but he has no right to enter your home. Tell the DC he is not allowed to come in due to how nasty he has been to you and he has to take them out.

Speak to your local domestic violence team so you have their direct number And use it!!! Ignore texts and emails etc. You can do this and it is necessary

Ginger1982 · 08/09/2018 17:17

Have ready what to say when he comes back about whether he gets to see them next weekend or not.

RadioBiscuits · 08/09/2018 17:19

You likely split up because he is an abusive git and he's still abusing you. What was the point in splitting up? To minimise the abuse to 2/7 days instead of 7/7?

You need to make big changes.

He will HATE them. But after a while, if you're consistent, he will get over it.

Email/text him. From now on, document everything.

Tell him that he will have contact every other weekend as this is what is best for the kids (from what you've said). If he has an issue with this, he can be the one to pay to get it settled in court.

Tell him that his contact will no longer be taking place in your home. He can either arrange to take the kids to somewhere like soft play or a familiar family member/friend's house, or contact just isn't happening.

Meet him at a neutral place for handovers. Don't do handovers at your home.

Arrange for him to call the kids every evening if he and the kids want this.

Is there any reason why he can't rent out a decent home where his kids are actually allowed?

Do you trust them with him unsupervised? Sounds like he really upsets them tbh.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 17:20

Ok will do this. He refuses to do weekdays. So I’ll email him the arrangements and stick to them at my end and ignore the abuse!

OP posts:

grasspigeons · 08/09/2018 17:25

keep yourself and your children safe - speak to womens aid or similar before saying anything/ making changes and have some support in place.

isaterror · 08/09/2018 17:25

This is awful poor you. You really need to take control, first of all sit down with your kids and explain to them that what Daddy is doing isn't fair to any of you - of course no need to be horrible - just explain it in such a way that they can understand - and that you are going to try to make things get better. Then tell him your new terms - i'd suggest meeting him somewhere outside from now on where you can hand over, like in the park perhaps? and then explain to him what you are doing and why you are doing it - its your children's and your own mental health at stake at the end of the day - and you need to take control otherwise nothing else will ever change. Good luck. Be strong. Sounds like you have a mum who is around so draw on her support. It will get better but not until you take control x

RandomMess · 08/09/2018 17:25

Why does he refuse to see them weekdays? Unless he's at work then tough give him the contact that suits you as he won't turn up anyway!!

I'd offer Friday evenings because if he does turn up he'll no doubt puss about and return them late.

Sarahandduck18 · 08/09/2018 17:33

You are exposing your children to domestic abuse. This is causing them emotional harm.

Stop contact.

Let him go to court.

If he’s at the door and won’t go call the police.

headbangez · 08/09/2018 17:41

Go out early Saturday/Sunday morning and have a day out. Make it a regular thing.

Also I would suggest putting cameras up to record his behaviour, or use your phone, it could be very useful to have this if things do go to court.

He is your ex for a reason, you aren't expected to spend time with him. If you feel it's safe to do so leave him with the kids, return hours later.

He will never move on a get a life of his own with this ongoing situation and neither will you!

expatinspain · 08/09/2018 17:41

You don't have to take threats or abuse, you keep a log of it and take it to the police and they will give him a warning to start with.

You really need to get this situation under control and quickly. You should be having no contact with him apart from via email. Offer him what you deem reasonable and if he doesn't stick to it just withdraw access and let him take you to court. You'll have to go to mediation first and he'll get laughed out of there.

Be reasonable, firm and polite in all of your correspondence with him and don't get drawn into anything. Keep evidence of every correspondence and of each time he lets the kids down. If he ups the abusive behaviour towards you, report him to the police straight away.

You don't have to live with this, he is your ex, he can't control, manipulate and mentally abuse you anymore unless you let him. Be strong and get your life back. I have been there and that's exactly what I did. I let it go on for far too long and was deeply unhappy for years, now thankfully I'm free of him and his mind-games.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 08/09/2018 17:44

He won’t do weekdays at all. He used to insist on weekday mornings at 8am and take eldest to school but half the time didn’t show up or came late making her panic about being late for school. At least I put an end to that but that was a battle. Yes I’m aware it’s really bad for the kids that’s why I’ve been absorbing all his shit to protect them but not entirely I realise.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/09/2018 18:13

Make it a time and day that has least impact on you and DC.

Eg 10am Sunday's so if he hasn't turned up by half past you can go out.

He's a nasty abusive d*ck which is why he's an ex.

You say he refuses to do weekdays - that sounds like a result to me. You offer it knowing he won't turn up, he is then out of your lives unless he takes it to court... I really think in those circumstances he is best being absent in their lives until an enforceable CO is in place (I mean pier of arrest if he doesn't return them).

Marmaladegin · 08/09/2018 19:29

He sounds awful. but op you must be more proactive and take control of the situation. I know it's easier said than done but the situation as it currently is cannot be good at all for a child who suffers from anxiety. She needs security, and would be greatly reassured by seeing that her mother had it all under control.

Starlight345 · 08/09/2018 19:52

I do also suggest you ring women’s aid .

I know this will upset your Dc, however sounds like they are continually upset by current situation. Go out Saturday’ s whether you go do the shopping go to your mums or the park.

He is still abusing you.

MJandKB · 08/09/2018 19:53

I have bad anxiety due to watching my parents argue my entire life constantly being told one thing and then them doing another. It's not healthy for your kids, set a schedule, don't tell the kids he's coming and tell him he is only aloud to come to your front door when invited if he even starts to moan within half a second tell him straight I'm not taking your crap anymore and if you even dare to try and pressure me again I'll ring the police get a restraining order and a family member will have to meet you from now on....

stoneriverpuddle · 08/09/2018 20:05

How old are your children?

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