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Original poster

Ex has decided he'd rather pay bills.

41 replies

Herja · 07/09/2018 12:31

Ex has decided that rather than pay maintenance money he'd rather pay bills directly. He feels this would be less divisive. I am not happy with this, I would prefer that he continues paying cash rather than choosing bills, but I can't quite put my finger on why.

I think it possibly feels infantilising? Also I'm not sure I actually trust him to pay the bloody bills on time - it was never his strong point.

He hates paying money as he feels I may use it for seeing other people (I don't. I stick it in savings for Christmas, birthdays, holidays, school uniform etc), so I can see why he'd prefer this, but I don't bloody want him too!

Help me form aan argument against it, that isn't just "I don't want you to" ?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 07/09/2018 12:33

I think it's controlling and a power play. Say no and manage your own finances.

Joe66 · 07/09/2018 12:34

You need the certainty of a regular amount coming in each month in order to budget. Child maintenance is to assist with the costs of raising children. It's up to you what you spend it on, not him.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2018 12:36

Tell him no way. Go through CM if necessary. How would he like it if his boss paid his bills instead of his salary?

And it's nothing to do with him what you spend it on. In fact, if you won the lottery and spent all year on a bloody yacht he'd still have to pay the same amount. Don't let him control you.

AnyName1 · 07/09/2018 12:37

It's controlling. I like to send a text to my ex thanking him for my cocaine money. Keeps my spirits up.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 07/09/2018 12:41

It’s very controlling, and he isn’t even trying to hide it.

Side step him completely and go through the CMS. If he refuses to go through them they can take it directly from his wages before he gets paid.

ChuffingNorah · 07/09/2018 12:48

Under no circumstances allow him to do this. In no time he'll be complaining about how much you have the heating on as he pays the bill, when it's NON OF HIS DAMNED BUSINESS !

headinhands · 07/09/2018 12:52

It's the dying groans of a controller trying extract the last drops of manipulation. Ignore refuse etc

Original poster
Herja · 07/09/2018 12:59

I'm currently going with refusal but I feel as if I need a valid reason. I guess I don't really and can just say no?

My bills don't even come to half the amount of maintenance money as I pay everything possible in full at the start of the year. The only solution to that I could think of is to stick the other half on a supermarket gift card, but that feels even more absurd.

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 07/09/2018 13:01

You absolutely do not need a “valid” (valid according to who? Him I assume? He gets to decide what is valid?) reason to insist on receiving child maintenance in the same way as every other family who gets it. Honestly, who does he think he is? He doesn’t own you, he doesn’t get to decide how you spend your money on your children.

pastabest · 07/09/2018 13:02

You want the bills in your name for ID purposes (I.e you need to be able to prove you live there) and if they are in your name you want to be responsible for paying them as he has form for forgetting and you don't want your credit rating to be impacted.

Also what Chuffing says about him monitoring your energy usage - I would almost be tempted to put it to him in those terms 'it's great I will be able to have the heating on as much as I like through winter without worrying about the cost if you will be covering it' and watch him back track.

Ultimately it's just about control. I'd save yourself lots of time and stress and just go through CMS from now on as you already know he's going to end up messing you about.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 07/09/2018 13:02

Don’t even engage with him on it. Talk to CMS.

milienhaus · 07/09/2018 13:03

Absolutely not - there may be a time when you’d rather leave a bill a bit late and meet another expense instead (eg food) in the short term. You need flexibility.

ourkidmolly · 07/09/2018 13:03

Just no. No explanation required. Totally unacceptable suggestion. How is maintenance decided now?

CrochetBelle · 07/09/2018 13:05

Are you in receipt of any benefits? If so, and his name is on the bills, it could look like he is living with you.
Would he take that as reason?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 07/09/2018 13:06

If you went out and spent the maintenance on crates of beer he would have no say whatsoever. You don’t have to justify it to him or anyone else. It’s unlikely his contribution pays half of your costs for raising a child anyway. The fact is that maintenance goes in to the family pot and whether directly or indirectly is spent on the dc and their living costs.

Original poster
Herja · 07/09/2018 13:10

Maintenance is currently done against cms rules, but as a private arrangement paid weekly (I'd prefer monthly). He has only ever missed one payment, but is disagreeable about it.

For clarity, the break up was my fault. I tried to leave him for someone else, he wouldn't be left and so I had an affair. However he has a new home, new girlfriend and I agreed contact time with the children to exactly what he wanted. I think it is a form of control, but I don't see why he wants to do it.

When we were together, it was rare indeed that a bill was ever paid on time. I feel much happier in charge of it.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 07/09/2018 13:12

If bills are less than half of the CMS amount then just say that.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 07/09/2018 13:19

I think it is a form of control, but I don't see why he wants to do it.

Grin you’ve answered your own question there! It’s just so he can hold onto a tiny bit of control.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/09/2018 15:40

Why is he paying weekly? Why make extra work for himself to pay four times a month instead of once? It’s seems an unnecessary way of contacting you an extra three times a month when once would suffice. I wonder if it’s to keep you on tenterhooks week in, week out of whether he pays or not - again maintaining control/power over you. I’d see a solicitor and get what you want in writing if he gets arsey.

Original poster
Herja · 07/09/2018 16:05

I think that is indeed why Thatwouldbe. I save it all anyway, so it doesn't make much difderence to me.

Well, I have refused his suggestion and he says he will no longer be paying until forced through an attachment of earnings order, so I'd better get on to cms I suppose. I'll give him until tomorrow morning to calm down before I start. What a stupid bloody mess.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 07/09/2018 16:12

If he's paying bills would they have to be in his name? Would that not make it looked like he lived with you and then he would have a claim on your home?
Don't do it, too risky! X

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 07/09/2018 16:16

Get on to them this afternoon before they close for the weekend. Honestly, waiting for him to calm down is just giving him another chance to string you along and call the shots.

TrueLoveWays · 07/09/2018 16:59

Get on to them today
He is trying to be controlling
He has right to insist on this

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/09/2018 17:11

Second getting onto CMS today. Even if it means less maintenance (thankfully you said you can afford to) it’ll be worth it to keep him as detached from your life as possible. Keep to emails and text for future communication as men like him have a habit of taking it up a notch when they think they’re losing control and you might need it as evidence.

Original poster
Herja · 07/09/2018 17:47

My issue with cms is that he has said if I go through them he will require me to pay half of the mortgage we took out to clear his (previous life, not to do with our family) debts. He has been paying this (£134 pm), while I have been paying a loan back for the family home (£400), which I now live in alone with the children. The loan is secured and legally binding, but to my grandparents - they will never chase him to pay his half. If I have to pay him £67 pm towards the mortgage, I will have to cut back the amount to my grandparents, which I also don't want to do.

It's a bloody mess.

I've also now been on the phone on hold to income support for over half an hour; I know maintenance isn't classed as income, but I think payment of bills on my behalf might be.

I don't know why he's bloody doing this. It has been absolutely fine for ages, until I asked for him to pay the maintenance money today.

OP posts: