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Original poster

Quick help on how to respond to latest message from ex?

57 replies

Melody1234 · 05/09/2018 18:38

Hi, I need your help on how to respond. My ex was very controlling and has continued to try to be controlling since we split a year ago. I try to keep the communications limited to the minimum required regarding LO, but even within that he is aggressive and pushy and I have to keep re-asserting my boundaries.

Today is my birthday, and I got this message:

"Happy Birthday Melody! I hope your best years are yet to come. Life and times move on, but the happy memories of times spent with you will remain permanently etched in my heart. Have a great day!!"

I know you may feel I'm over-reacting, but honestly, this message ruined my day. I didn't want to have to think about him today, let alone this ** about his heart and memories. How would you write back to say please don't send this stuff, just keep it limited to what we need to communicate regarding LO? I can't find the words...

OP posts:
cantstandmenow · 05/09/2018 20:06

Don't send that. It literally tells him that he's been successful in making you uncomfortable! Ignore him, 100%

mooncuplanding · 05/09/2018 20:10

Please don’t send that

Just ignore! After all, you are busy having a great time for your birthday aren’t you?

cactusplant · 05/09/2018 20:13

I have an ex who is exactly as you describe.
From experience I would either ignore completely or reply "thanks" and leave it at that.

NoLeslie · 05/09/2018 20:16

Oh he is such a loser. Definitely ignore.

And happy birthday, and I am quite sure your best years are ahead without that dickhead around!!!

doodleygirl · 05/09/2018 20:19

listen to the advice, just ignore. You create drama by answering.
Happy Birthday

RandomMess · 05/09/2018 20:25

Noooooooooo

Read up about "grey rock technique" ignore ignore ignore he will eventually get bored.

Cupoteap · 05/09/2018 20:27

No he's testing if you have nothing better to do than text him

fuzzyfozzy · 05/09/2018 20:29

Don't send that!

cornishmumtobe · 05/09/2018 20:34

Oh my god do not send that message. It says you've spent waaaayyyyy too much time thinking about it and he'll be able to tell straight away how much he's got to you.

Ignore the message. If he asks you about it say you got it but would rather he kept future communications limited to necessary comms about DC. Be breezy!

cornishmumtobe · 05/09/2018 20:34

In case you missed it...

DO NOT SEND THAT MESSAGE.

Grin
flyingsaucersherbet · 05/09/2018 20:34

Oh god no! Don’t send that! If you have to send anything literally just reply “thanks” but I still say ignore!

bastardkitty · 05/09/2018 20:38

Happy Birthday. No don't send that.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 20:39

Think about why he texted you OP.

He didn’t text because he genuinely wants you to have a lovely birthday, he carefully thought out that text to make sure it prodded all the right buttons in you to stir up old emotions. He likes having the power to still be able to do that to you. If you respond, he gets paid. That’s his pay off- knowing that his text did get to you.

So you have some control here. You can reward him for his devious efforts and give him exactly what he wants - a response. Outcome- he gets his buzz and does it again at Xmas/mother’s day/valentines day because it works.

Or you can decide that he has no power over you anymore and that you don’t need to send him any response. Because you don’t actually need to. He needs you to, but you get to decide what you do for him. What do you want to do for him? Play his games or end it now?

HappyHedgehog247 · 05/09/2018 20:40

Noooo don’t message back! He’s attention seeking.

SuperstarDJ · 05/09/2018 20:42

I really wouldn’t send that message. It gives him much more potential ammunition than ignoring him would. Your proposed response will just lead to him responding back which is what he wants.

I honestly would ignore the message and try to forget about it.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 05/09/2018 20:42

Honestly don’t send that message. You are confirming to him that you have given him headspace. Say nothing. Who cares if he accuses you of being rude. It was rude and inappropriate of him to send that text in the first place.
The one thing I got from mumsnet when I left my controlling ex was that you cannot control other people but you can control how you react to them. It was the beat advice I was given. When I was finally able to take that step back and stop reacting to him he wasn’t able to control me anymore. He could only keep that up as long as I kept confirming he was pushing my buttons.

runbeerrunbeer · 05/09/2018 20:43

Another one here saying nooooooo don't send that.

Ignore ignore ignore or if you must say anything, just say thanks.

You're out having birthday fun, not sat home dwelling on ex's message. Please. Don't let him have the head space or attention.

He'll not bother next year if he doesn't get the response he wants!

Benjaminbuttonschild · 05/09/2018 20:49

I'd actually milk it a little.

Light and breezy "Thanks, I'm having a fantastic day. Yep you're right, the best years are yet to come. Cheers 😊👍🏼"

That way you're not being rude but your also showing him you're life is better without him in it.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 05/09/2018 20:50

Any more replies back from him I would ignore though.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 20:52

How does replying to him benefit you? I can’t see a benefit.

MadeForThis · 05/09/2018 20:54

Don't send that message

mooncuplanding · 05/09/2018 21:10

You sent it didn’t you op? 😀😀

Monday55 · 05/09/2018 21:15

I'd just reply with "Thanks" nothing more, nothing less. ignoring might just be giving him reasons to pick at you and it's rude. Don't stoop to his level, be civilised.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 21:17

Of course she did moon Grin

marthastew · 05/09/2018 21:24

Ignore. Delete.

When you have a minute look up 'grey rock' as a way of dealing with manipulative people.

Have a lovely birthday x