Is it a good idea? Feeling guilty.

[Cemkg123]

I am a single mum to a 5 month old baby girl, I was with my ex boyfriend for 5 years before accidentally falling pregnant on the pill, when I fell pregnant it was obviously a shock to both of us, and last year was supposed to be the last year I spent with the ex as he lives in a different country and his family will not accept me because I do not follow his religion. But my little girl happened I thought we could make it work, he didn't want the baby but said it was my choice and I didn't want to terminate, being 27 I'm not a child and thought everything happens for a reason. Anyway a few weeks after being pregnant I found out alot of things of the (ex) boyfriend so we split and he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but still insisted on talking to me. Never once asked about the pregnancy.
She was born in April, I told him he didn't say much. Then I took little one to his country as I have other friends there, i text him to let him know I would be there and if he wanted to come see her I wouldn't stop him. He did and bought her some gifts, and spent some time with her. I also went back to his country again last month and he spent more time with her and he was asking about her everyday while was home.
This time time we were flying home from a different place which meant we had to get a boat across. The boat leaves from near to where he works, some of his relatives also work here and is also the town next to where we were staying. The boat left at 4 and check out was 12, so because we had time to kill we got a taxi to the harbour left our suitcases and decided to go for a walk and get something to eat. He told me his family knew about the baby, so when I saw his relatives I didn't stop to talk but they waved and said hi. Next thing the ex is call in going crazy saying I planned to cause trouble, turns out not all of his relatives knew about the baby and he wanted to keep it that way but I wasn't aware as he told me they knew. Any way we had a big argument he told me not to text him and he hasn't text to ask about the baby once.
Thing is, I was supposed to be taking the baby out to see him before he goes back to his hometown for winter, flights and hotel are booked and a friend was also coming.
My mum and friend suggested I go without the baby for 10 day holiday while my mum looks after the little one, to have a break and be myself for a bit as I am raising this baby all alone and have no time to myself, which I'm not complaining about, it's my choice. I live with my mum so the baby would be in her usual surroundings and she is very used to my mum as she sees her everyday. But I feel really guilty leaving her, I've only left her once for about 12 hours since she was born, and I don't know how I feel about leaving her. I've had a really shitty, stressful year, with problems with the ex and friends... so the idea of having some me time sounds great but I'm just worried, because I don't just be down the road either. Plus, what if the ex wanted to see the baby? I feel bad taking away time spent with her dad although since saturday he doesn't seem bothered about her and all effort for him to spend time with her initially was all on my part.
Anyone have any advice?
Should I go without little one and just have some fun and not worry about the ex as he's not really made the effort anyway. (If he wants to continue seeing her I will take her there a few times next year)
Or do take little one just incase dad wants to see her.
Thanks for your help.

Two separate issues

1. forget about your ex. He isn’t interested in parenting his child, stop bending over backwards so he can make a show of being a great dad twice a year. I wouldn’t go back to his country either TBH.

2. it’s fine to have a break if you think 10 day is too long then take a shorter break. Maybe somewhere closer to home. You’ve got great support from your mum.

If he wants to continue seeing her I will take her there a few times next year

Umm no, if he wants to see her, he can make the effort to come to the country she lives in and see her.

Or do take little one just incase dad wants to see her.

Just incase? just incase he wants to see his child? You would lug a baby round the world for someone who may or may not be interested in seeing her? That’s not how parenting works and is a really shitty message to give your child. That dad gets to pick and choose whether she is worth seeing or not and that she should turn up “just incase” he does. Horrible. No, you do not bring your baby just incase he wants to see her. You’ll know if he wants to see her by the fact he contacts you to arrange coming to your country to see her.

@ifiwasabirdidflyin2aceilingfan don't know if I'm taking it the wrong way but that came across as pretty aggressive. Which I feel is uncal2led for.
First off, I wouldn't be lugging her around the world, it's a 3 hour flight, I have friends there with babies so it's not like I'm taking her purely for him anyway, she gets to go swimming which she really enjoys and play with friends babies who are roughly the same age. She is very content there and gets lots of attention.
Second of all I don't appreciate how you seem to be making me feel like shit just because I was willing to take her just incase. At the moment she isn't old enough to understand anyway and I'm pretty sure I will give her the right messages throughout her life, I will never stop him from seeing her or make it difficult so she can make her own mind up about him and can see that I did all I could.

Also he can't get a visa to come here. So almost impossible for him to come here to visit

Oh do whatever you want then. Why ask for advice? You don’t want any.

I asked for advice, not judgement

Man tells you he wants nothing to do with the child he created.

Never once asks about the pregnancy

Says very little when she is born

Calls you going crazy because you dared to wave at his family that he has hid his child from. Accuses you of trying to cause trouble.

Tells you not to contact him and hasn’t asked about his child in a month.

But yeah, sure, plan your holidays on the fact he might want to see his child.

Christ alive.

You got advice!! You just didn’t like it.

I can only imagine how tough this is for you with your child, but to be honest with you I personally feel that you are chasing after a man who will never want to openly acknowledge his daughter. I would cut off all contact with him, as why would you want to talk to a man who does not show any interest in your child. Continue to travel to his home country as you said you have friends there but I certainly wouldn't be chasing him to show him his daughter. If he was interested in making a relationship with her and you, he would be the one doing the chasing. As i've said this is my opinion and only you know how you feel or what you want to do, but you could waste years chasing this and still be in the same position. I'd be looking to make a life here for yourself and your child and move on.

The holiday was planned already, I'm fully aware that he's a dick and is not being a great father.
This is my first child and not how I planned my life but I'm trying my best to do it as best I can.
I'm making it easy for him to see his child because after all he did spend time with her when he could, ok it's not the greatest but it's better than nothing.
I want my daughter to know that I was the bigger person, I am the one who tried so she can appreciate I tried for her, if he decides he wants nothing more to do with her then I won't take her back, unless he asks. I am not one for stopping the father having contact just because they are useless, yes it will be upsetting for her if he lets her down but I will raise her to realise that she has so much love here at home that even if he does let her down she will understand that he is not worth it and that she will be strong to realise that any effort made by him is a bonus.
That's my way of thinking, nobody is perfect in their methods. If you don't agree then that's fine but maybe you need to chose your words wisely. As someone thinks suffering from depression, having a very hard time, your words didn't exactly make me feel the best. I appreciate advice but the way you said it feels like you are judging me by trying my hardest.

That is a bit harsh imo

The dad made a bit of effort the last few times so I can see why you are a bit confused. However he has been really out of order blaming you for his relatives finding out, he could have just said it’s not his baby?
You have done the right thing by allowing the (pretty shitty) dad contact with your DD, however if he now decides he’s going to throw a tantrum then let him be the child he is.
I would go on the holiday with your friend, it will be a nice break for you, and it sounds like your DM and DD have a great relationship.
If the dad complains then you have the proof that he initially said he didn’t want anything to do with the baby and hasn’t been in contact.
It will teach him that you and the baby are not going to jump through hoops for him, and he need to step up if he wants contact.

Go on the holiday, and leave the dad to grow up a bit.

Thanks smurfie12. I already said to myself I will not do chasing but as I had planned to take her I wasn't sure if I should as he knows I'm supposed to be taking her. He's quite childish in some sense and I wasn't sure if he was just in one of his moods, as Saturday was the last I heard from him. I will continue to take my daughter next year, she will be older and enjoy more anyway, plus I get to see friends and she can see hers. If he wants to see her I will never say no though. If he wants to ask I will never ignore him. But I won't be the one making it easy anymore. I just wasn't sure of leaving her or taking her as he already knew I was supposed to be taking her

Thanks Nessie, I appreciate the kind words. Maybe I will take the holiday then.

if he decides he wants nothing more to do with her then I won't take her back

He has already told you that. He told you not to contact him and hasn’t asked about his child in a month. That’s as a big a message as you need!! How more obvious does he need to make it?

unless he asks.

So basically if he clicks his fingers you come running.

Seriously, don’t raise your daughter to be another woman with no self respect.

No he told me he wanted nothing to do with her when i found out I was pregnant if you read what i said again, after meeting her he hasn't said this and he has spent time with her, also he hasn't not asked about her in a month, he hasn't asked about her since Saturday! Which is 4 days. Last month was 5 days ago.
And excuse me? You're telling me I have no self respect? Clearly I have more than you and alot more compassion. Don't judge til you have walked in my shoes. She will grow up to be a much better person than you because I will teach her not to judge, and to be kind. Also I have self respect as I don't stop the father from seeing her. I don't use my child as a weapon and she will make up her own mind when she's old enough, for now I will give her the love she deserves so she won't be missing anything from her dad anyway. Seriously, you really need to be kinder.

I don't think you want advice OP.

I have heard many stories of men (boys) not wanting anything to do with the baby while the woman is pregnant but after seeing that the baby is real, everything changes. It's easier for the men to pretend it's not real as the baby isn't growing inside them.
I gave him the chance and up until now he has shown interest and made an effort when I was there.
This is why I wasn't sure as to whether to take her with me. Like I said he can't come here as he doesn't have a visa. So yes I have to go running there even if he was the best dad I would still have to go running there for him to see her.

after meeting her he hasn't said this and he has spent time with her, also he hasn't not asked about her in a month, he hasn't asked about her since Saturday!

You said this OP
“Any way we had a big argument he told me not to text him and he hasn't text to ask about the baby once.”

Which happened last month. Did you mean 5 days ago?

I wanted advice, not harsh words or to be judged.
To imply I have no self respect is harsh as she doesn't know me.
To say it's a shitty way to raise my daughter is also harsh.
I asked whether it was a good idea to take her, you don't think so? Ok say I don't think it's a good idea.
Think is shoukd go without her? Ok say yes it's not a bad idea and don't feel guilty. Parenting is hard especially alone, I just wanted some reassurance that I am not a bad parent for thinking about going away without her, and taking possible time away from her dad even if he is a dick. But it seems you can never be a good parent according to others.

It happens last month yes, I went there for the last 2 weeks of last month. Which was 5 days ago. Maybe i should've been clearer about the time frame but I didn't realise it would've been such an issue.

Whether or not he can get a visa, it doesn't sound like he's prioritising your child at all. Which would be the deal breaker for me. Especially when it's to the extent that he hadn't told his family about her.

I understand you're not in the best headspace right now but PPs are right in what they're saying.

Ask yourself...

A) Do I really believe he's doing the best he can for our daughter?

B) Would I decide to take her with me if I knew for a fact that he wouldn't see her?

Don't judge til you have walked in my shoes.

Maybe I’m giving you the benefit of my well walked shoes.

I assume he has a phone? So he can call every day and ask about his child? If he isn’t doing that between now and your holiday, that tells you what you should do.

Seriously, if someone wants to be in your life, they’ll find a way to do it. Repeat that mantra to your daughter as she grows.

Is he paying child support? Regularly?

I'm not saying any of the PP's are wrong, I'm just saying they could have been a little less harsh with their words. There's ways of puttin an opinion across, in this world nobody seems to consider anyone else's feelings, only care about gettin their opinion across. I understand the situation may make me look like an idiot in other peoples eyes, and that's why I came to a forum where it's kind of anonymous to be judged less. Because I can see how harsh people can be. I'm trying my best, and in the long run my daughter will see I did what I could. If I didn't have my daughter I would have stopped talking to him a long time ago after find everything out.

OP, if he really wanted to be in his daughter's life he would be, regardless of the Visa issue. He would be calling, FaceTiming etc. Everyday. The very fact that he is picking and choosing when he is interested says a great deal to me.

Don't run around so he can have contact any longer. You are doing it and not getting anything back from him.

If you continue this your daughter will grow up having to deal with the fact that her father keeps on disappointing her and putting her last. She won't be a priority and that will be devastating for her.

I honestly think he is better out of her life and you choose to focus on the people who are there for her and love her, and build these relationships.