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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is it a good idea? Feeling guilty.

39 replies

Cemkg123 · 05/09/2018 09:32

I am a single mum to a 5 month old baby girl, I was with my ex boyfriend for 5 years before accidentally falling pregnant on the pill, when I fell pregnant it was obviously a shock to both of us, and last year was supposed to be the last year I spent with the ex as he lives in a different country and his family will not accept me because I do not follow his religion. But my little girl happened I thought we could make it work, he didn't want the baby but said it was my choice and I didn't want to terminate, being 27 I'm not a child and thought everything happens for a reason. Anyway a few weeks after being pregnant I found out alot of things of the (ex) boyfriend so we split and he told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but still insisted on talking to me. Never once asked about the pregnancy.
She was born in April, I told him he didn't say much. Then I took little one to his country as I have other friends there, i text him to let him know I would be there and if he wanted to come see her I wouldn't stop him. He did and bought her some gifts, and spent some time with her. I also went back to his country again last month and he spent more time with her and he was asking about her everyday while was home.
This time time we were flying home from a different place which meant we had to get a boat across. The boat leaves from near to where he works, some of his relatives also work here and is also the town next to where we were staying. The boat left at 4 and check out was 12, so because we had time to kill we got a taxi to the harbour left our suitcases and decided to go for a walk and get something to eat. He told me his family knew about the baby, so when I saw his relatives I didn't stop to talk but they waved and said hi. Next thing the ex is call in going crazy saying I planned to cause trouble, turns out not all of his relatives knew about the baby and he wanted to keep it that way but I wasn't aware as he told me they knew. Any way we had a big argument he told me not to text him and he hasn't text to ask about the baby once.
Thing is, I was supposed to be taking the baby out to see him before he goes back to his hometown for winter, flights and hotel are booked and a friend was also coming.
My mum and friend suggested I go without the baby for 10 day holiday while my mum looks after the little one, to have a break and be myself for a bit as I am raising this baby all alone and have no time to myself, which I'm not complaining about, it's my choice. I live with my mum so the baby would be in her usual surroundings and she is very used to my mum as she sees her everyday. But I feel really guilty leaving her, I've only left her once for about 12 hours since she was born, and I don't know how I feel about leaving her. I've had a really shitty, stressful year, with problems with the ex and friends... so the idea of having some me time sounds great but I'm just worried, because I don't just be down the road either. Plus, what if the ex wanted to see the baby? I feel bad taking away time spent with her dad although since saturday he doesn't seem bothered about her and all effort for him to spend time with her initially was all on my part.
Anyone have any advice?
Should I go without little one and just have some fun and not worry about the ex as he's not really made the effort anyway. (If he wants to continue seeing her I will take her there a few times next year)
Or do take little one just incase dad wants to see her.
Thanks for your help.

OP posts:

RedPencil · 05/09/2018 10:32

Further to the above, I think you have tried. A lot. It is his fault that he doesn't have a proper relationship with her. Your daughter will know you tried your best

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:37

No-one helps you be in your daughters life OP. No-one checks with you to find out if you want to see her. No-one needs to prove to her that they tried very hard to make sure you saw her. Do they? I doubt it. Because you just do it. Because you want to. I’ve never had to be encouraged to be in my children’s lives either. I’m in it. Every day. That’s what parents do.

llangennith · 05/09/2018 10:37

OP you may not like the home truths you are hearing but you are getting seriously good advice from IfIWasaBird.

autumndreaming · 05/09/2018 10:44

Just imagine OP if you did everything your ex is doing. About the things you would think of a mother doing this to her child.

It's exactly the same. He is her father and it is up to him. And he's failing. Time to save her from this disappointment.

Silentnighttwo · 05/09/2018 10:44

Wow, some really harsh responses here.

I can see why the OP is torn, she wants her DD to have a DF so is trying to facilitate that. Also she doesn’t want to give ex any opportunity to claim (later down the line) that she stopped him seeing his DD.

I would take your DD if I were you OP as it’s all arranged. Let her DF know that she is there and leave the ball in his court. If he doesn’t see her, you will know that you did everything you could and will have to accept that he is not worth it.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:52

I’m sorry OP. I have been too harsh. Don’t want to make excuses but life experience and too much mumsnet exposes you to a lot of stories like yours and sometimes I find it frustrating. No excuse though. It’s not your fault. I shouldnt have visited that on you.

I can see you are trying to do the right thing. Tune into your gut instinct and know when you’ve tried hard enough. People rarely change and when they tell you who they are, make sure and listen.

Original poster

Cemkg123 · 05/09/2018 10:52

Yes we can all say that if it was the other way round and the mother was doing it, it wouldn't be acceptable. And I agree, i don't like how fathers can run away, pretend their children aren't real and not be in their lives. But that's life, that's the society we live in unfortunately, people are trying to change it but it's not gonna change anytime soon, is it? And because he is in a different country it's even harder. If it was like this with someone closer to home then definitley I wouldn't try so hard. But because the only way for him to see her is for me to take her there, then it's hard. If I don't take her, he can't see her. Yes I know he should be texting but he's quite childish with his moods and he's in a mood because I shouted at him in public. Also that's not an excuse but I know he's embarrased and I know what he's like. Anyway, I came for some friendly advice as I'm very down and my head is all over the place. I didn't want to be made to feel like I had no self respect, raising my daughter to also have no self respect and as if I'm raising her in a shitty way. I have no friends here because I've been working away every summer, I only have my mum and she is currently on holiday in Poland. I just wanted some friendly help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cemkg123 · 05/09/2018 10:56

Ifiwasabird it's fine, I get some people have strong opinions. And yes it's frustrating when you see the same sort of stories, I also get frustrated because men shouldn't be allowed to pick and chose when to see their children. Now I am in this position though, I feel like I don't know what to do. Before when I would hear this sort of thing I always thought I would know what I would do. And my father died when I was very young and I missed him alot and I always wondered how it would be if he was still her. I just wanted my daughter to at least know her father and be able to call him to hear his voice if she wanted.

OP posts:

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 10:59

Well it’s just a personal anecdote but I tried very hard for 12 years to make sure my DCs dad was in their lives. I should have given up a lot sooner and saved them years of disappointment and heartache. I kept giving chance after chance because I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I hadn’t allowed him to see them. When I finally made the decision to stop chasing him for contact he hasn’t made any effort at all and hasn’t seen or even asked about them in over a year. That tells me all I need to know.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 11:01

Btw make sure he pays child support! It’s the very least he can do.

fearfultrill · 05/09/2018 11:11

I personally think that the disappointment and rejection of off and on contact would be worse than no contact. It's just prolonged pain

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 11:14

It’s certainly heartbreaking to watch it happening to your children. I won’t go into details but it has left a huge impact on my DCs that will certainly be long lasting in at least one of them.

Original poster

Cemkg123 · 05/09/2018 11:16

I'll try for the child support, but because he lives in a different country I don't know how it works, I'll look into it.
Yes probably the on and off contact would be worse, but since meeting her and up until the fight 5 days ago, he was in contact everyday and asking about her, and spending every other day with her when we were there. I guess I wasn't sure if he was just in a mood cos of me shouting at him in public (women dont do that to men there) and it would blow over. I guess I will wait to see how he is. If he makes no contact by the time I go, I won't take her and I will have some time with friends, if he does then I will take her. She is booked in anyway so it's not going to cost me any extra.

OP posts:

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 11:18

Just tell him he needs to send you money! He should really know that children cost money.

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