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Lone parents

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Original poster

New man in life and his involvement with my kids

37 replies

confussedchica · 30/07/2018 08:26

My new partner has said that he is in our relationship for me and not my kids. He has said that he doesn't want to be a father figure nor take part in any parental role or do "family things". I haven't had the best track record with guys and this is the first time one has been so straight and said this. Normally they say they love the kids and don't mind becoming part of the family. Am I being paranoid? I know definitely he doesn't want marriage and kids of his own and I know we'll never live together because I don't think I could cope with that although he has said as well that he couldn't live with anyone anymore either. We're both set in our ways too much.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense. I'm just so confused and need an outsiders point of view. Part of me is screaming that this is as good as it'll get with him and we'll only ever date rather than be secure together

OP posts:

BumblebeeBum · 30/07/2018 08:29

How long have you been together?

Can you try to express what exactly
Is making you confused? Is it that you do want him to want to be part of your family?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 30/07/2018 08:29

What are you confused about? He has been very clear.

You say you don’t want to involve him either. Are you just telling yourself that? Is that where the confusion comes from?

MeanTangerine · 30/07/2018 08:34

At least he's being honest. You'll be a single-mum-with-a-boyfriend rather than a family. For some people that would be the ideal. Maybe it suits you, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it suits you for now. What do you think?

Original poster

confussedchica · 30/07/2018 08:46

We've been together for over a year. When I said I didn't want to involve him I meant I didn't think I could cope with living with him, not with the kids

OP posts:

lulu12345 · 30/07/2018 09:01

If you're thinking of leaving your children to live with this boyfriend, just be ready to accept that your children will resent you and probably never get over it. Seems exceptionally selfish to me.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 30/07/2018 09:19

Lulu Op had no intention of leaving her kids no idea where you got that from.

OP you don’t need to involve him with your kids. Why would you?

Original poster

confussedchica · 30/07/2018 09:21

Where did I EVER say I was going to leave my kids??? I would NEVER do that!!! I'm their only parent. I think your statement speaks volumes about you.

OP posts:

Original poster

confussedchica · 30/07/2018 09:21

@AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale Thankyou. I don't know why I would have to, isn't that what we're meant to do?

OP posts:

lulu12345 · 30/07/2018 09:23

Sorry if I misunderstood, I thought this comment meant OP was weighing up whether to leave children to live with boyf...

When I said I didn't want to involve him I meant I didn't think I could cope with living with him, not with the kids

Reading it back now I can see it might have meant something else. In which case my comment can be ignored.

lulu12345 · 30/07/2018 09:26

Where did I EVER say I was going to leave my kids??? I would NEVER do that!!! I'm their only parent. I think your statement speaks volumes about you.

Sorry OP, I misread your previous comment. I think what it says about me is that I need to concentrate better when I'm reading posts

Coolhotsummer · 30/07/2018 09:27

Is it possible to raise your children and keep them completely separate from your boyfriend? I would have thought that was hard eg family events, birthdays, Christmas, weekends.

Chocolatecake12 · 30/07/2018 09:29

I can only speak from my own experience but my bf of two years has fitted right in with my family. For the first 6 months we dated then I introduced him to the children. He doesn’t live with me and it will stay that way for a while yet. But we loads as a family including going on holiday together this year.
It works for us and you need to ask yourself what you want and what will work for you. It sounds like he only wants to date you - would you be happy with that long term?

Urbanbeetler · 30/07/2018 09:30

It’s fine to have a bf who doesn’t live with you - better for your kids in many ways.

But the long term impact of him having nothing to do with them (and I admire his straight forward honesty about that - he’s done nothing wrong) is that you will always be holidaying with them on your own, and it will restrict the time you have with him. Are your dcs dads/ dad around? Do you have lots of time without them anyway? Otherwise I would imagine this relationship could become a bit frustrating. But as long as it suits you to compartmentalise your relationship from your family , which loads of people successfully do, than where’s the problem?

LaLaLongwhiskers · 30/07/2018 09:30

What do YOU want though, OP? Are you happy to continue for years in a relationship that wilfully excludes your children and will never progress beyond dating (ie, you'll never live together, do family holidays etc) or do you want a relationship where your partner gets to know/is involved with your kids?

NC4Now · 30/07/2018 09:32

I think it is very hard to keep your partner and kids completely separate. At some point you’ll feel you have to choose between them.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 30/07/2018 09:36

Thankyou. I don't know why I would have to, isn't that what we're meant to do?

Who says? Personally I think the more people that keep their DC out of their dating life the better. Unless you and he actually want to marry and live together then there is absolutely no reason to involve your children in this relationship. Just date him, enjoy him, enjoy being a couple.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 30/07/2018 09:39

I think it’s ok. I’d be doing exactly the same.

I take it he would come for the odd meal etc with them?

VioletCharlotte · 30/07/2018 09:45

This would put me off. Of course it's a good idea to keep things separate for a while and not introduce him to the kids until you're sure about him. But if it's going to work long term, I think you would want him to be a part of yours and your kids lives. Otherwise surely you'd be leading two, separate parallel lives? I think I'd be ok with that if it was a casual, short term relationship, but not long term.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 30/07/2018 09:47

You know what OP If you like him, which I assume you do after a year, then I would just carry on dating him but be honest with yourself in that if your feelings change and you think you do want a live-in relationship you will tell him and allow him the option of ending the relationship. Otherwise just carry on as you are. Enjoy him.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 30/07/2018 09:49

Remember that kids aren’t kids forever. Depending on their ages it might only be a few years before they are off to university or at least teenagers that give you a lot of free time to date.

Adviceplease360 · 30/07/2018 09:50

Sounds a decent straight up guy.
Wish more parents kept their partners apart from the kids really, statistically speaking biggest threat to kids is mums new boyfriend.
So keep going I'd say. Just don't have any expectations

TwitterQueen1 · 30/07/2018 09:51

This isn't going to work OP. He's been honest about his feelings, which is good, but long-term, how are you going to have a proper relationship? He won't be interested in hearing about what your DC did this week, how they're getting on at school, how awful/lovely they're being, so your conversations will need to be totally child-free, which is impossible...

When it's a nice, sunny weekend and you to the park / seaside / shopping mall with your children, he won't be coming with you. Alternatively, you go out with him for the day and what happens to your DC?

If you're happy with a FWB relationship - fine, but if you want something more I don't think he's the one.

Wuss2018 · 30/07/2018 10:00

This sounds perfect to me. Personally I wouldn't want another man involved with my children.

Butterflykissess · 03/08/2018 13:31

Same as Wuss tbh. Im not looking for a new father for my children though so depends what you want.

Original poster

confussedchica · 03/08/2018 14:07

I'm not looking for a father for my children either. I would just like to not feel split between my children and my partner.

OP posts:

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