New man in life and his involvement with my kids

[confussedchica]

My new partner has said that he is in our relationship for me and not my kids. He has said that he doesn't want to be a father figure nor take part in any parental role or do "family things". I haven't had the best track record with guys and this is the first time one has been so straight and said this. Normally they say they love the kids and don't mind becoming part of the family. Am I being paranoid? I know definitely he doesn't want marriage and kids of his own and I know we'll never live together because I don't think I could cope with that although he has said as well that he couldn't live with anyone anymore either. We're both set in our ways too much.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense. I'm just so confused and need an outsiders point of view. Part of me is screaming that this is as good as it'll get with him and we'll only ever date rather than be secure together

I think he just means he doesnt want to take them on as his own. My mums boyfriend was like that growing up. It was made very clear he was not a father figure/step dad. I thought it was fine.

I guess it depends how you see your family unit. I was never looking for another father for my children, but it would have been nice to enjoy family days out, holidays etc.
I wanted those things and didn’t want to choose between doing them with my husband and my children.

So what do you plan on doing with the baby you're trying to conceive together?

I haven't had the best track record with guys and this is the first time one has been so straight and said this. Normally they say they love the kids and don't mind becoming part of the family.

This says a lot. How many have there been?

Eh? I thought he didn’t want children.

in a previous thread she's ttc

@CrochetBelle not that I have to explain myself to you but yes we were trying to conceive but aren't anymore because he said all of this. Hence why I'm so confused. I'm sure you'd agree it's a situation that would mess with anyone's head! Why not support instead of attack?? Is the whole reason for this site not to get advice from others?? Just because people have posted one day about one thing on here doesn't mean that it will forever stay that way. Thanks for the support!

It sounds like this situation is all over the place with the TTC, and you expecting him to slide into your children's lives.
Prioritise the children you have now, and your own life and happiness.
Often, children don't want what is more or less an acquitance to them moving in and involved in everything, holidays days out etc, regardless of what their mothers wishes are with their partners.
Although obviously it works out for some, and stepfathers can be amazing, but this chap is telling you he doesn't want it.
There's nothing wrong with having a relationship you enjoy just for yourself. The children don't HAVE to be involved.

Do yourself a favour and get his guy out of your life. Seriously. You were TTC with a "new"'partner who now doesn't even want to live with you or be involved in your kids lives?

Take a few years off.

I think a lot of posters have been very sympathetic and given good advice, but are now thinking 'wtf??' Why on earth would you be trying to conceive with a new partner who you don't even live with? Your poor kids!

Did he seem on board with the ttc op? Seems odd you were planning a child just a few weeks ago and now it’s no children whatsoever.

Until your update I was about to day its fine. Therr is more than one kind of 'proper' relationship. I have a serious relationship of two years and we have absolutely no intention of combining our lives / families /finances. I am a single mum with a boyfriend. It works brilliantly and if it doesn't work out my kids won't really be affected by any fallout. However, from your update it seems like there is a lot more going on so fgs don't get pregnant accidentally or otherwise!

Agree with TwitterQueen.

My now-ex said the same thing, then after two years he said I needed to “get rid” of ds more often if our relationship was to progress.

The great thing about an ultimatum is it makes things really easy to decide. Life is much nicer now.