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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Torn between partner and teenage son

26 replies

6b9ketlh · 27/06/2018 21:11

Hi all. This is my first post and I need some advice.

I'm a single parent to a 17 yr old son. I was single until he was 14 when I met a wonderful man who I'm with for the last three years. He has 2 children to previous relationship.

The problem is that my partner is from a City 125km's away from where I live with my son. The first year together he worked and lived in his city. Things were difficult in that I visited him on the weekends. My son took this badly, accusing me of leaving him behind. My son stayed with my mother and father when I visited my partner. He had his children at the weekends and my house is too small for them to visit and stay. I would bring my son with me for weekends but he seemed miserable on these visits and would barely talk. He is super shy and reserved. I tried everything to reassure him but nothing worked.

In the second year of the relationship, my partner got a job nearer to where I live so he could stay with me during the week. He still kept his house in his City, he rented a big house with rooms for all the kids, so they would all feel involved and welcomed while each having their own privacy.

I would still go down on the weekends, sometimes my son would come, others he wouldn't. I allowed him to stay with his grandparents. (I should say, my sons father only met him once, he lives on the other side of the world, doesn't provide support, etc, etc)

This summer, my partner and I want to spend a month in the house in his city, the plan being for us to all be together as we feel we are fragmented.

I told my son of the plans, we arranged a part time job for him for the month and he seemed to agree to it.

Now, two days before we go to my partners City, my son pulled a wobbler. He told me he doesn't want to go, that he's unhappy, that he doesn't see me as his mother, that I just do everything for my partner, that I go off and leave him, etc.

I'm totally torn between trying to form some sort of bond between my partner, his children and me and my son and doing what my son wants me to do, I.e not to go to another city for a month. My son is so quiet, nearly passive aggressive......

I do everything for my son, all the usual things like cooking, cleaning, etc. He is spoilt by me and my parents. He has been on multiple holidays, has everything he ever wanted, etc.....

I feel I have damaged him in some way because he is so angry about moving away for a month. I know he'll miss his friends. I explained to him that it is only for a month, that he'll be busy working and I told him that I would drive him home to stay with my parents on days off, etc.

I'm so heart broken. I can't talk to my parents about this as my mother is not very supportive of my relationship with my partner.

I love my son and would never do anything to hurt him, I'm at my wits end.

My partner is so good to us, he brings us on holidays, treats us, supports us financially... My son does like my partner, but my son is so quiet and uncommunicative with us that I don't know what is going on in his head.

My son will be going to college next year and my partner wants me to move to his city when this happens so he can be with his children more, this is also stressing me out because I want to be with my son.

I'm so upset writing this, 💔

I would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:

hmmwhatatodo · 27/06/2018 23:57

Not what you want to hear I imagine but my children will always come first. Seems that it is your son who has all the upheaval and not his (doesn’t make any difference how
Many holidays you have taken your son on). He had told you how he feels. Why doesn’t your mum feel happy about it all? Will your son go to college near Home next year?

BlueAnemone · 28/06/2018 00:02

I love my son and would never do anything to hurt him

There's your answer. And if your partner is really such a good guy, he'll appreciate that your son comes first. You can always review things in another year.

BlueAnemone · 28/06/2018 00:04

I didn't intend for the strike through formatting, hopefully that's clear

Kingsclerelass · 28/06/2018 19:01

Your son is 17. He is old enough for you to explain that he will come first but equally you are entitled to a life.

Have you asked him if he can suggest a compromise?

In the end though, if he is really unhappy, I would be there for him for the whole of this last year before he goes to college. And spend it teaching him to make an omelette, use the washing machine and make his own bed.
If your dp is a good man, he will wait one more year.

Branleuse · 28/06/2018 19:05

I think it's not a great age to be making big changes like that. He's probably feeling quite insecure about his place in your heart

bertielab · 28/06/2018 19:08

Wait one more year.

Holiday next year.

ReadingRiot · 28/06/2018 19:09

It's really hard but I'm afraid I can see where your son's coming from, I suspect your mother does too. Your son being withdrawn etc is more likely down to his unhappiness than his character. It's hard when they're almost adults but I actually think this is when they need you most, just not in such an obvious way.

TBH I don't think your partner's request is reasonable at this stage in your son's life.

Petalflowers · 28/06/2018 19:11

I think it’s quite usual,for teens to be angry at this age, especially if you are suggesting something theyndon’t Want to go.

You said in your final,paragraph that your son will be going to college, and you partner wants you to move to his city. Where will your son be living then? At college, or at home? If he is moving away, it will be quite unsettling for him if his home disappears. If

BoneShaker · 28/06/2018 19:18

Your plans so far seem to have been centred around what's best for you and your partner.

When your son was unhappy about the weekends with your partner, your solution was to keep going but leave your son behind?

And now you want him to leave his home for a month so that you can be with your partner. Would your partner and his children up sticks for a month to be closer to you, do you think?

I would leave the big plans for at least another year. It sounds as though your DS needs a bit of security right now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2018 19:21

Short term, can your son stay back with his grandparents? I know you say your mum isn’t keen on your relationship or your partner but that way he won’t miss his friends or where he lives and you can still go? Longer term I’m not sure what the answer is but long and short term are too different issues right not.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/06/2018 19:24

I think a job he did not choose, in a city where his friends are not, in a house where he is not loved/appreciated/proper part of things sounds very miserable tbh

It feels like he is a burden holding you back, he may feel this too.

I feel sad for him

You and him are a family, make decisions TOGETHER, not FOR him

RedPandaFluff · 28/06/2018 19:35

See, I'm of a slightly different opinion to you all, but maybe it's because I don't have kids. He's 17, not a child, and it sounds as though OP has been a caring and loving mother. OP's DP, her son, and her DP's children are pretty much a family now and perhaps decisions need to be made for the good of the family as a whole. Maybe the best thing for the family unit is to be together.

Sadly it's probably not the first time in OP's son's life that things change or he doesn't get what he wants. And it's only a month . . .

ReadingRiot · 28/06/2018 19:38

17 is a really vulnerable age, so many opportunities for it all to go wrong. A really awful time for your mum to decide she'd rather be with another family, tbh that's hard for anyone to take, but as proper adults we can rationalise it. I'm not sure that's a reasonable expectation of a 17yo.

YourHandInMyHand · 28/06/2018 19:48

Oh I really feel for your son reading this TBH.

I think the fact your mum doesn't approve of the relationship is also rather telling.

Would your partner and his kids come live in your town for a whole month??

I have a loving partner now after years of single mum to my DS. I set out my stall from the start that my son's life was in this town, that I'd always be staying close to his school, his dad, his gran and cousins, etc. My partner wouldn't dream of creating situations where I had to chose to uproot my son (sending him to grans or staying somewhere that's not home) or choose one or the other to spend time with, he's always been 100% on board with the fact that he'll always be second to my child. Given your son's dad is a complete non entity in his life then you are his whole world. Yes even at 17. You're his stability, his anchor, his security - or should be.

Most kids don't leave home at college age? Are you expecting him to?

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 28/06/2018 19:52

If your partner is the decent person you say he is, he will realise and understand that your son has to come first. He will be grown up and independent before you know it. For now he has to come first.

Runninglateeveryday · 28/06/2018 19:58

If i told my DD we were off to the city for a month she would hit the roof , she'd miss her friends etc. I think you need to reach a compromise somehow a month is ages at that age.

ReadingRiot · 28/06/2018 20:01

I have a 17yo and I'm actually feeling very upset for your son. I think his early apparent compliance was down to saying what you wanted to hear. No child should feel the need to do that for his mother.

Ragwort · 28/06/2018 20:11

I also have a 17 year old son and agree that it is a very vulnerable age; not what you want to hear but I think you should focus on your son and put your relationship 'on hold'.

There are many things I would love to do with my life but I don't at the moment because I made a decision to have a child and I have to do what is best for him for the next few years - such a tricky time for teenagers/young adults.

HollowTalk · 28/06/2018 20:15

Sorry, but I agree with the others. Spend more time with your son. Put him first. He'll soon be off living as an adult and you'll be able to do whatever you want them. I'm sorry as it sounds as though you've found a decent guy, but your duty is to your son.

Voda · 28/06/2018 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BananaHarvest · 28/06/2018 20:22

Yes absolutely you should sacrifice your partner for your child; if he loves you he’ll understand and wait. You need to spend time doing things with your son not for him.

bionicnemonic · 28/06/2018 20:22

My mum put me second behind her partner. It damaged my self esteem. Please wait.

Arum51 · 28/06/2018 20:23

You're looking forward into next year, and seeing new beginnings. You'll all get closer, move nearer, it'll be great! He's looking forward into next year, and seeing endings - he'll be leaving school, his friends will disperse, and his mum's buggering off with another family.

I feel very sad for the poor lad.

Torn2018 · 28/06/2018 21:23

Thank you all for your comments. everything you have said is what I’m feeling tbh, just wanted independent advice.

@redpandafkuff explained what we are trying to do better than I could. We are trying to build some sort of family unit.

My son and I have spoken and discussed options for the month and we’ve come to a compromise. When he’s not working I told him that I’d drive him home to see his friends, etc.

The extende family will visit us also, etc.

I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere next year either.

Thanks again, I
Appreciate you all taking the time to answer me.

WonderfulWonders · 28/06/2018 21:27

You've not been a great mother.

You've prioritised a man over your child. Leaving him with your parents so you can do your own thing from the age of 14.

Your poor son.

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