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Original poster

Any experiences of living with XP?

72 replies

used2bthin · 21/05/2007 20:44

Am sort of in the middle of a split I think, its all still quite bitter, him saying HE wanted it to work but ending it cos he doesnt feel i do although its far more complicated than that and its only recently that he's wanted commitment and i think for me i've just run out of steam. Anyway for financial reasons he has to stay here for a bit. I'm finding the whole thing completely exhausting and we had a lot of stress to start with so just wondered if anyone has any experience of/opinions on living together after deciding to split?

OP posts:
LittleWonder · 21/05/2007 20:49

Being in the same space after you have split is not only like walking on egg shells, but breathing them. It is hard. "This too shall pass" is about the only thing you can think. I assume you have DC's if you are on here - they are the reason you need to bite your tongue, which is also hard.
I am sure a lot of people will give you good advice. Best of luck and there really will be light at the end of the tunnel.

aardfark · 21/05/2007 20:50

I did it for two months. It was hell. Unless you will be completely financially crippled by separate houses don't do it. I'd rather live in someones shed than live with my XP once we'd broken up.

Original poster
used2bthin · 21/05/2007 20:53

Thanks. He keeps changing his mind about what to do and is very angry atm. I feel awful that this is happening and sad for DD who is just a baby btw but the reason i really don't want a tense atmosphere. Its so hard cos in an ideal world it'd all work out but how long do u put yourself and child through it?

OP posts:
Original poster
used2bthin · 21/05/2007 20:56

aardvark i hope if/when(?) the split is definate it'll only be a couple of months like u. Were u pleased when he left? I feel like maybe its the right thing but scared i'll regret it!

OP posts:
aardfark · 21/05/2007 20:57

MAKE HIM LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. He can't monkey around with your OR your daughter's feelings. When I stayed with my ex for two months he kept trying to convince me to start things up again and it was hurtful and annoying because the relationship broke down for valid reasons which hadn't changed.

Tell him to go for two months and then you can meet up and see whether you feel the same way. If you do, then you can try again.

Good luck - it's a horrible position to be in.

aardfark · 21/05/2007 20:59

I left. I gave him the house. We were married and giving away a house was the only way I could see to get rid of the bugger. He was a form of pestilence of the highest order! I can laugh about it now but he drove me UP THE FICKING WALL, across the ceiling, down the other side and then underneath the carpet with his whining (not that I'm bitter [grin).

If you absolutely have to do this - make a deadline and stick to it and count down the days. Spend as much time as you can out - visit libraries with your daughter or go to playgroups/friends, have nothing to do with him and move on with your life as much as you can. Otherwise you'll go mental!

Original poster
used2bthin · 21/05/2007 21:02

thanks, i just hope it resolves itself amicably. It is very hard! its reassuring to hear of someone who has survived it though! He's same, says he wants to get back together one min the next seems to hate me!

OP posts:
aardfark · 21/05/2007 21:03

He sounds like a treasure - bury him in the garden. Seriously, do you honestly think you deserve to take this sort of crap? No you don't. You need to get a bit angry my dear and tell him how it is going to be. He can get his scrawny bum down to the council for rehoming if he really can't figure out how to find somewhere else. You have a baby to look after, so it's not your problem.

LittleWonder · 21/05/2007 21:12

aard is right - it will not resolve itself as you say. You need to be proactive. Aard's advice is good.

aardfark · 21/05/2007 21:14

Ah thanks Littlewonder

Seriously, KICK HIM OUT (and his crap record collection too)

Bet he has one

lou33 · 21/05/2007 21:19

i did this

it doesnt work

it was awful, get him to go asap

Original poster
used2bthin · 21/05/2007 21:19

thanks! Argh can't wait to have a normal life however it comes about!

OP posts:
Original poster
used2bthin · 21/05/2007 21:22

lou33 how long did it last for you? am thinking it will be awful!

OP posts:
lou33 · 21/05/2007 21:59

he wasnt supposed to be with me at all, but noone could put up with him for v long , and i used to feel sorry for him, so he would come stay

but he stayed way too long and he would not keep out of my private life, he went through my things, harrassed people he thought i was seeing, intimidated me, called me awful names to the kids etc

aardfark · 21/05/2007 22:35

lou33 - you know it's time to change the locks when you actively start working out ways to kill the buggers!

Tell used2bthin will you, she really needs to kick him out pronto!

lou33 · 21/05/2007 23:02

i ended up calling the police to get him out

then he came back when they had gone adn slept in the garage

i didnt know he was still there in the morning, and he started trying to be nice and wangle his way back in, when it didnt work he got nasty again, started hurling abuse at me, getting the kids upset again, texting me and generally harrassing me

he still blames me for everything, tho sometimes he tries to be nice, but it is with ulterior motives

he left me in a lot of debt thanks to him using a cc i was about to take his name off

now he wants to come back to the uk in july and seems to think he can work from my house

over my dead body

he used financial reasons btw, take no notice, it's all a play for your sympathy

lou33 · 21/05/2007 23:03

also one night i woke to find him with his hands between my legs, trying it on

that wasnt v nice

NuttyMuffins · 25/05/2007 14:26

My ex carried on living here for a few weeks after we split as he had no where else to go.
I cannot tell you how ill those few weeks made me feel, I was so stressed and on edge.

startingover · 26/05/2007 11:26

In the middle of it right now and some days it is hell, some days it is almost normal and so, it is all a bit surreal. Ideally, I would just like it to be all over.

I vent - long phone calls, good friends and now here, having lurked for about a year. I do the Oprah thing (I think someone on here suggested it): in 10 minutes my life will still be the same, in 10 months, I hope to be in my own place and in 10 years I hope to be happy with my life.

Hard? Yes, but for finance reasons, there is little choice and that will really impact on my/our (me and 2 ds) future.

isheisnthe · 26/05/2007 11:44

I am doing it now too - its killing me - Ijust burst in to tears cos the boys are watching tom and jerry ands a christmas episode - remembering that their christmas's will never be the same made me let the dam go that I have been holding back all week

Pinkchampagne · 26/05/2007 11:50

I did this for nearly a year due to ex H refusing to budge until our house sale completed & it was just the hardest thing ever.

Pinkchampagne · 26/05/2007 12:06

I agree with starting over about the some days it's hell, some days it is almost normal & other days it is pretty surreal. You get to a point where you just have to get on with it, but occasions like birthdays, Christmas, new year & wedding anniversarys can tip you over the edge when you are separated but still living together.

The final incedent that led to the end of my marriage happened a year ago today, and I have actually been in my own place for 3 weeks now!

isheisnthe · 26/05/2007 13:23

COngratulations PC on your new home - I can not wait to b in the same position!

startingover · 26/05/2007 13:38

Me, too - looking to the future helps me keep going, when it doesn't scare me rigid, that is .

isheisnthe · 26/05/2007 14:03

im with you there SO